March 2009

Sunday 1^st March

Hannah came round.

Monday 2^nd March

Karen’s handed in her month’s notice.  I could not be less bothered.  No doubt she’s finally saved up enough money to buy all the cats she wanted and will now sit at home talking to them, whilst also scaring the local kids.

Sore throat.  I hate having a sore throat.  I’d rather break my arm.

Tuesday 3^rd March

Was looking up flats to rent to see if I could afford one.  No chance!  Not even if Hannah and I pooled our money.  She’s destined to stay at her parents’ and I’ll forever be Panda’s bitch.  I wonder if his gran would agree to me paying less rent so that I can save up quicker?  Knowing Panda, his gran probably said Ed and I can live there for free and Panda’s pocketing the cash.

Sore throat getting worse.  I hate having a cold.

Wednesday 4^th March

Bought some Ricicles.  I’m sure the cover design isn’t as good as it used to be when I was growing up.  It was a much better drawing of Captain Rik.

Just been Googling it – I was right.  I might stick the old him on a T-Shirt.

Tom The Contrary wanted to come out to lunch with me.  I’m surprised he eats lunch and doesn’t use it as an excuse to tell people they are just being slaves to the shops that sell the food.  Or slaves to their rumbling stomachs.  Tool.

Thursday 5^th March

I’m sure I’m putting on weight.  I wouldn’t be surprised if I was, other than the relatively short bike ride to and from work, I don’t do any exercise.  I’d like to go swimming more often, but it’s so much more effort to have to go somewhere to do exercise and, of all the exercises, swimming is one of the most preparation intensive ones, what with all the getting undressed, and washing, and drying and getting dressed.  We need a pool in the garden.

Friday 6^th March

Tom The Contrary has gone.  I was worried they were going to offer him a staff position.  He asked to swap numbers before he left.  I gave him a fake one and deleted his as soon as he was through the doors.

Went round Hannah’s for a cuddle.  How does she get her neck to smell so nice?  I would happily smell it forever.

Saturday 7^th March

Went for lunch at Mum and Dad’s with Hannah.  Emma was there too.  Went in the loft to look for our old Amiga 500.  Couldn’t find it anywhere.  They say they haven’t got rid of it, but I don’t have it, and Emma and Mark say it’s not them, so something fishy is definitely going on.  I bet Mum’s sold it at one of her bootsales.  I have a massive urge to play Turrican II.

The cold’s got to that annoying hacking up green stuff phase.  I’m no good at doing that so end up half choking on it – unable to bring it up fully, but too disgusted at what’s in my mouth to swallow it back down.  It ends up just loitering at the back of my throat, like a legless octopus, slowly suffocating me.  Gross.

Sunday 8^th March

Coughed up a horrible bit of slime on the way to Sainsburys.  Didn’t fancy flobbing it out the car window, so had to dribble it into a half drunk bottle of Ribena.  Went swimming with Hannah in the afternoon and as I returned to the car with the parking ticket found her swigging from the bottle.  I didn’t say anything, neither of us would come out of that conversation happy.

She looks nice all wet.  Tried to give her a cheeky snog and feel up in the changing room but she wasn’t up for it.

Monday 9^th March

It’s such a chore having to get from one end of the day to the other.  I think Hannah was bored of it too as we spent the whole day texting each other.

According to the spam I had in my inbox, hot girls are waiting to fuck in my area.

Tuesday 10^th March

Foolishly agreed to another pint after work with Martyn on Friday.  It’s Hannah’s fault – she’s got drinks with her team so I won’t be able to see her.  In future I must make sure I don’t accidentally reveal to Martyn that I don’t have any plans.

Wednesday 11^th March

Panda seems to have given up with the headphones.  Waste of money that was.

Thursday 12^th March

I need to start going to bed earlier, was so tired this morning.

Friday 13^th March

Friday 13^th.  I told Sally that the person I saw getting hit by a car last Friday 13^th got knocked down right in front of me again.  She didn’t believe me.  Worth a try.

Went for the Martyn pint.  Somehow it turned into a Martyn, James, Sally and, bizarrely, Gregg Egg pint.  What was supposed to be one ended up as one too many and I started to do that spinny-dizzy thing that’s really hard to shake off.  I don’t remember much of it, other than asking Sally if in the future we’d be able to text a smell to someone.  I can’t remember what she said, but I can picture her bemusement.

Saturday 14^th March

Went into town and got Hannah her presents.  Some I had to freestyle on, like a scarf, cardigan thing and bracelet.  Others I’d made a mental (and then physical) note about when she casually mentioned she liked something whilst browsing in a shop, like the expensive jacket and the earrings.  I don’t even want to think about how much I’ve spent.  She’s worth it though, usually.

Sunday 15^th March

Mark came over.  I’d said that I’d try and cook us a roast, but when writing the list of ingredients I realised that it would be far easier to not have to, so we had Babybels instead.  Effort is wasted on Mark anyway; he doesn’t have the social skills to be thankful enough.

Monday 16^th March

David Wilson has had to go into hospital.  Not sure why, I only caught the tail end of the conversation Hilary and Tessa were having.  It at least means The Sun’s safe for a while.

A card came round for him in the afternoon.  I hate it when that happens, it’s such a pathetic statement of sentiment.  It’s like when people leave flowers at the scene of a road crash.  Pointless.  The council should bin them up.  I’ve made Hannah promise that if I die in a road accident then she’s not allowed to gaffer-tape flowers around the nearest lamppost in my honour.  If she wants to make a fitting tribute, she should touch herself whilst thinking of me… but not at the side of the road.

Tuesday 17^th March

Can’t wait for the weekend, although Hannah wants to go into London and that’s a bit of a bore.  Expensive, effort and she wants to go to Madame Tussauds.  Eugh.  I think I went there once when I was about ten, and even then I knew I was above it.

Wednesday 18^th March

Hannah’s sleeping over on Friday and then we’re heading off into London from here.

Bought some wrapping paper from M&S.  Expensive but she’ll like it.  Panda asked why I didn’t wrap them in kitchen towel like normal people.

Thursday 19^th March

Panda’s DJing and Ed’s seeing friends tomorrow night so I have Hannah and the house all to myself.  She’s gonna get bummed so hard.

Friday 20^th March

So glad this week’s over.  Now the weekend of birthday fun can start!  Annoyingly Hannah had to work late tonight, otherwise the fun would have started this evening.  Instead it will commence forthwith tomorrow morning when I pick her up.

Saturday 21^st March

Got round to Hannah’s at about nine.  Her mum, dad and brother had gone to Sainsbury’s to do the big shop.  She answered the door in her dressing gown.  We went straight upstairs and I banged the living hell out of her.  Annoyingly I couldn’t get her to cum, so that was her first present ruined.  Hopefully I’ll do better tomorrow, that’s when it counts, on the actual day.

She had loads of flowers from work.  My work didn’t get me any flowers.

Got the train into London.  There was a man who kept staring at Hannah.  Sure she looked hot, but come on!  When we arrived at Liverpool Street, I made sure that he got off first.  I didn’t want him checking out her arse as we walked to the barriers.

I don’t get the point in Madame Tussauds.  I wouldn’t want to walk around that place if it were the real celebs, let alone some wax imitations of them.  Sure they’re well made, but who gives a shit?  Actually I know who – Hannah.  She now has enough photos of her posing with lumps of plastic to impress… absolutely no one, unless they recently suffered a brain trauma.  Obviously I didn’t say any of this to her.

Went to Oxford Street, Carnaby Street, Covent Garden and a few other places that I had no idea where we were, but Hannah seemed to know her way around, so I just followed her.

Sunday 22^nd March

Hannah’s birthday today.  It’s a shame that fucking the hell out of her isn’t considered a birthday treat for her in the same way it was when it was my birthday.  Why is it that incredible sex is only a luxury for the man?  Women really do hold all the power.  We had great sex, but whereas I’d be happy for it to be my only gift, she’d be pretty miffed if there wasn’t something to unwrap as well, and I don’t mean her vagina in the knickers with the bows.

Went back to The Lion Inn for lunch.  Didn’t have to suffer unbearable twats on the neighbouring table this time.  The food’s so good, but they really need to turn on a few more lights.  Even in the daytime it’s dark.

Hannah really liked all the gifts.  “You’re really knocking these presents out the ball park,” she said.  I couldn’t help replying with “you can thank me by knocking one out of my ball park later if you like?”  She did as well, just a quick one whilst we waited for her dad to arrive, all over her boobs and neck.

Monday 23^rd March

Ed’s Tripods DVD arrived.  He was very excited.  We’re going to watch it this weekend.  I’m quite looking forward to it.  I don’t have many memories of it, other than a red Tripod in some woods, and a bald bloke with some metal in his head.  I’ll put money on it not holding up anymore.

Tuesday 24^th March

Hilary was wearing quite a low-cut top today.  Martyn was staring at her tits.  He’s like a cartoon character… or a seedy rapist.

Wednesday 25^th March

Just heard a massive smash from downstairs.  Got in the kitchen to find the top rack of the dishwasher off its rails and broken glasses, mugs and other bits and pieces scattered all over the floor.  I was going to ask Panda what the hell was going on, but because he stormed off shouting “Fucking cunts!” I kept schtum.  I’m not sure who the cunts were that he was referring too, but he’s never liked our egg cups, so I’m guessing it could be them.

Luckily the dishwasher rack was easily fixed.  The glassware had to go straight in the bin though.  I did my best tidying up but, as I couldn’t find the dustpan and brush, the kitchen floor is a bit like that scene in Die Hard.

Thursday 26^th March

My toe hurts.  Don’t know why.  Checked it for glass, but it was fragment-free.

Friday 27^th March

A card came round this morning for Karen.  She’s leaving today.  I signed it with the heartfelt message: ‘Gareth’.  They’re going out for goodbye drinks tonight.  I was asked if I wanted to go along and foolishly said yes.  I don’t know why, I’ve managed to pretty much avoid her all this time, so there’s no point getting to know her now.

Saturday 28^th March

Spent the whole day watching the first series of The Tripods.  Pretty poor.  If I didn’t have the mildly nostalgic element to the viewing, then I think I would have done something else.  Like a lot of early sci-fi stuff it just doesn’t stand up, either in storytelling, special effects or acting.  No matter what any of those obsessive freaks say, television sci-fi could not cut it back then.  Most of it can’t even cut it now.

Sunday 29^th March

Series two done.  They didn’t make series three, I can see why.  Ed says the books are much better – they’d have to be.  They certainly couldn’t get any worse.

I told him that, just like AIDs, TV sci-fi was a terrible part of the eighties.  He DID NOT like that!

Monday 30^th March

Hilary was saying how sad it is that Karen’s gone.  I hadn’t even noticed.  An email was sent round.  Her replacement starts on Wednesday.  I hope she’s fit – all we’ve got is Sally, and Hilary if you like an older lady, the rest of them look like they’ve passed through a sieve.

Tuesday 31^st March

Andrew’s slightly less shitty with me these days than he was.