January 2011

Saturday 1st January

14 stone 4! Fuck’s sake!!! What is going on? I know what’s going on. It’s the third of a bottle of vodka I drank last night because it was stupid New Year’s Eve.

Hadn’t really done the maths until now. A third of a litre bottle is 333 millilitres. A standard shot of vodka is 25ml. That means I had 13 shots of vodka last night, or thereabouts, it’s actually just over that. 55 calories in a shot of vodka, so that’s nearly 800 calories in all. Plus god knows how much from the apple juice I drank it with. It’s a hell of a lot, but doesn’t make sense considering I burnt over 800 calories yesterday on my run alone, and didn’t have any other carbs and ate healthily. Stupid.

No more booze before Center Parcs, I mean it. I can get drunk when I’m there.

So annoying. Pathetic reliance on alcohol.

The New Year’s Eve party was a washout.

Sunday 2nd January

14 Stone 3.  Somebody shoot me!  Didn’t drink today, but I might as well have. I’ve screwed it all up. I should be in the 13 stone region, but I’m not. I’m still in the obese region. Really hard not to just give up and go mental with the unhealthy stuff – Panda’s got one of those big tubes of Jelly Tots downstairs… and that’s not a euphemism.

Monday 3rd January

14 stone 3 still. Annoying but expected worse, especially as I did the whole of Panda’s tube of Jelly Tots last night. Felt really ill afterwards, probably because I’d eaten so many and also my body wasn’t used to having so much refined sugar in it. I think that the exercise has caught up. Imagine how light I’d be if I hadn’t had all the booze? Tomorrow morning is going to be a horrible time on the scales when the Jelly Tots have caught up.

Didn’t exercise today, my knee’s a bit achy, probably because I’ve been over doing it. Don’t want to make it any worse.

Tuesday 4th January

14 stone 4. That will be the Jelly Tots kicking in. It’s made me all depressed, so I’m drinking vodka and Red Bull. That will be another pound added on tomorrow.

Wednesday 5th January

14 stone 6.  This is all going so wrong, but because I’ve broken it so much, by drinking and eating sweets and so on, I’m feeling depressed and have had more booze.  Tried to go for a run after work but my knee’s hurting too much, so I had to give up.  I give up on life.

Thursday 6th January

14 stone 6.  Started the day with good intentions by going for a long walk and eating some fruit and veg. Ended it with a box of chocolate fingers and a bottle of Iron Bru. I’m going to look a mess at Center Parcs.

Friday 7th January

14 stone 5.  That will be yesterday’s healthy start kicking in.  The unhealthy finish will soon catch up.  Dunno why I’m bothering to weigh myself, the whole thing is screwed.

With it being screwed, and the realisation that I’m destined to become one of those fat guys, I embraced it and went to the pub after work with Martyn.  He wants to move in with Beth but is too scared to ask her.  Join the club!… not that I want to live with Beth!  Eugh.

Carried on drinking with Ed and Panda when I got home.  We watched Poltergeist.  Still holds up!  What did the little girl do when she needed a piss whilst on the otherside?  They don’t cover that.  We’re going to watch Poltergeist 2 when one of us can get hold of a copy.  Must only be a couple of quid in HIV.  Poltergeist 3 after that.

Saturday 8^th January

14 stone 6.  I’ve given up.  There’s nothing I can do in two days to rectify it, so I’m drinking, eating Chinese and will mash a load of brandy snaps and ice cream for pudding.

Sunday 9^th January

14 stone 7.  Back where I started.  Great.  I’ll probably get stuck in the flume tomorrow.  Hannah’s so sexy and thin – we’ll spend the entire holiday getting looks from people that say “why is she with him?”  Miserable.

Monday 10^th January

14 stone 8.  I managed to beat my score by one pound.  Way to go Gareth.  Off to pick Hannah up now.

Great day.

Tuesday 11^th January

Great day.

Wednesday 12^th January

Horrible day.

Thursday 13^th January

Finger up her bum.

Friday 14^th January

Home.

Wasn’t much time to write whilst away, and Hannah’s only just left late, so will write more tomorrow.

Saturday 15^th January

Overall a good holiday.  Couple of moments where I was muttering under my breath that I hoped Hannah would drown in the fucking wave pool, but other than that, it was good.

Completely screwed up arrival.  Forgot that you need to go down the SECOND row to get access to the park.  Like a mug I followed others down the first, and then had to queue all the way down, then all the way back up, and then all the way down the second.  Added about 30 minutes onto our journey because the rows are so bloody long.

Got to our little shack and unloaded the car.  Was exciting to have a shack and not be in the hotel – made it extra special.

Hannah put our things away whilst I drove the car back to the carpark.  Remembered that it’s best to go to the end and then all the way back to the entrance because there’s always a space there.  That made getting the car at the end of the holiday much easier.

I love Center Parcs so much.  We headed off straight to the swimming and spent a few hours doing the rapids and the flumes.

I like how it’s world-known that drinking alcohol and swimming is a really dangerous, yet they have a bar right next to the fucking pool!  I had 3 pints and Hannah had 2.  We only headed back to the shack when the exertion of getting out the rapids landing-pool with a stomach full of beer was so much that we both nearly puked in it.

Called in at the Parc Market and bought some snacks and stuff for breakfast.  It’s ridiculously over-priced, but you don’t go to Center Parcs expecting a bargain.

Hucks for dinner followed by a trip to the Pancake House.  Then it was back to the shack and a bath together with the bubble jets on, which is fun, but the air that blows the bubbles out is cold, so it’s not as pleasurable as it could be.

Quick shag and then sleep.

On the Tuesday did a couple of activities.  The rope climbing thing through the trees was great, although some little kid pussy got scared halfway round and we had to wait about 20 minutes for them to get him down.

Had lunch in the Sports Cafe and did bowling in the evening.  Ended up going to bed at nine as we were exhausted from all the walking around, swimming and climbing.  Didn’t even have sex.

Panda’s just got back and is making a racket.

Can’t be bothered to write more today.

Sunday 16th January

Wednesday was a shit day.  Started badly when Hannah started wanking me off but I couldn’t cum – sometimes it’s tricky in the morning, alright?!  After breakfast I was ready for round two and asked if Hannah fancied a quick one, but she just wanted to get to the swimming.  That put me in a bad mood and the entire time we were in the tropical paradise I was suffering from ejaculation frustration.  I managed to keep it hidden from Hannah whilst we were in the water, but I had another attempt at some action in the changing room by standing behind her and pushing my quickly forming hard-on between her legs.  She said it was weird with kids and families around, I told her I wasn’t expecting them to watch.  She said we can do it when we get back to the shack, I grumbled, she got annoyed and the rest of the day was spent being pissy with each other.  Went to bed following the number one golden rule – always go to sleep on an argument.

Luckily in the morning we were both fine and Hannah gave the hand job another go, this time with a squirt of her moisturiser in her hand.  She used this new technique where she didn’t actually rub all the way down until the very end.  She just concentrated on the helmet.  It felt fucking amazing, although I nearly didn’t get there because I kept thinking: ‘another little trick she learned with Rob.’  Thankfully it felt too good for the image of them together to stay in my mind, and shortly after there was physical proof all over my chest of just how much she turned me on.

The activities of the day were archery, which she was crap at; badminton, which I was crap at and holding owls, which is hard to be bad at unless you accidentally kill one.

The main event of the day though was the bedtime sexiness.  We went to bed and got undressed, but before she put her pyjamas on she popped into the bathroom.  Naturally your first instinct is: ‘oh she doesn’t want to do it with a full bladder,’ and very possibly she did urinate, but her main reason for slinking off was to put on the sexy pink nightie that opens at the front and the matching little knickers.

Obviously, with my brain being my brain, my first thought was the usual ‘I wonder if she ever wore that for Rob,’ but luckily she looked so amazingly gorgeous that horniness pushed that thought away.  We had sex with her on top and the knickers pushed to one side.  She played with her breasts through the lace and when my fingers started caressing her bum, and then one stroked up and down the length of her bum-crack, gliding lightly over her arsehole, she leant over the the bedside table, picked up some moisturiser, squirted a little onto her finger, then rubbed it onto herself so that my finger could enter more easily.

I honestly don’t think I have ever been as turned on as I was in the moment.  I don’t think she’d ever been more turned on either… although I’d have to consult with Rob to know for sure.

She came first and then we moved to doggy, with the knickers pulled down a bit and the nightie pulled up onto her back so I could see my finger inside her as I came.

Man I love Center Parcs, it truly is the holiday the weather can’t spoil.

Monday 17th January

Really want a repeat of the Center Parcs fun, but not sure if it’s something I’m allowed to initiate.  I told Hannah I want her to wear the nightie again and I want us to use her new camera to take pics, and she told me we could if I was a good boy… which may have been a joke.

Spent the whole day thinking about my finger in her bum… even when I was talking to Martyn.  When you break it down, it’s really strange that I wanted to do that and also that she wanted me to do it (and I’m pretty sure she wanted me to – that it wasn’t just a case of her literally ‘taking one for the team’).  It’s such a private part of her that it excites me to see it, let alone put my finger in.  What I find really amazing though is how in that moment you’re able to completely ignore the actual function of the anus and find it a turn on.  Then again, if you really think about it, putting your finger in their pussy, let alone your cock is pretty gross.

Odd.

Tuesday 18th January

Why’s she more into the kinky stuff since dating Rob?  We used to have anal sex every now and then, and by that I mean very infrequently, and occasionally she wouldn’t mind if I gently played with her arsehole, but now she’s actively encouraging it.  It really takes the shine off it all if it’s because Rob gave her some kind of sexual awakening.  But then what else could it be?  But also, maybe I should be grateful – I’m certainly enjoying it.

I haven’t talked to Rachel for ages, but maybe I should arrange to meet up and then can somehow steer the conversation round to sexual fetishes.

Even better, I need to get Martyn to.

Wednesday 19th January

Lispy’s sleeping over.  Her and Ed are making pancakes.  I want a pancake.

Thursday 20th January

Going for drinks with Martyn, Beth and Rachel after work on Friday… well, Rachel is supposed to be coming, but if our recent attempts to meet up are anything to go by, one of us will have to cancel.  My plan is to get everyone drunk and surreptitiously steer the conversation round to sexual kinks and perversion.  Invited Jack along knowing full well he had plans.

Ed and Lispy had left some pancake batter in the fridge, so I cooked up some pancakes after work.  Felt guilty afterwards so made some more batter to replace it.  Didn’t know what went into pancake batter though so I just mixed up some flour, milk, sugar and an egg white until it sort of looked right.

Friday 21st January

Didn’t get the details I needed out of Rachel regarding Rob’s sexual preferences.  I do now, however, know far more about what Martyn and Beth like.

Had too much to drink.

Rachel is so cute.  I love her.

Saturday 22nd January

Hungover.  Was sick in the toilet.  When I came out the bathroom I could hear Lispy and Ed in the kitchen discussing how the pancake batter looked like it had fermented.

Went back to bed until one.  Feel a bit better now.  It’s my own fault for not drinking enough water when I got home.

Pub with the others started off fun.

Sunday 23rd January

What a waste of a Saturday!  Even had to tell Hannah not to come over I felt so rough.

Writing made the headache worse, so had to abandon it yesterday.

Pub with the others started off fun.  I got in a couple of rounds to aid the flow of honest conversation.  Rachel asked for a single but I got her a double, Beth asked for a double so I got her a triple.  They both commented on how strong the drinks were – I just said: “They always pour stronger here.”  Martyn and me both had a pint and once I’d quickly finished my drink I got another set of drinks in – they objected but I needed the evening to start off right, so I told them I’d won 50 quid on a scratch card.  Within about half an hour of entering the pub, we were pretty far gone.

I’d told Martyn earlier in the day that I’d seen a documentary last night about people with weird fetishes.  I mentioned this one guy who was obsessed with anilingus, another couple that did cucking, and a girl who liked dressing up as a gimp.  All made up, obviously, because as far as I’m aware there was no such documentary on, but it was enough to pique his interest.  As planned, later in the evening, when he was drunk enough, I dropped a memory bomb on him by mentioning gimps and from there he led a conversation about fetishes whilst I casually shared ‘typical Martyn’ eyes with Rachel.

Martin tried to play it cool, but when you start with the phrase “now I’m not saying I’ve done it,” and then share knowing looks with your girlfriend, it’s pretty obvious that you have done it.  So it turns out Martyn and Beth have tried fisting and food play… of course they bloody have.

What with those and what Jack got up to her with, I’m really getting a picture of just how dirty Beth is.

Martin did try to get us all to admit our kinkiest experience, but when Rachel’s answer was “I think this conversation,” I knew the game was over and just went for ‘docking.’  No one knew what that was, not even Martyn and it was described in that book I got him.

I’ll have to find a different way to get some answers out of Rachel.

Monday 24th January

Haven’t got Panda a birthday present yet.  Dunno if I’ll bother.  Maybe I’ll just sellotape some pound coins into a card like Nan used to.

Jack keeps being all pally with me.  I go along with it because I don’t want him to suspect me when I get my revenge.

Tuesday 25th January

Hannah’s coming round. I asked her to bring the nightie.

She didn’t bring the nightie, but we did watch Commando, so it wasn’t all bad.

Wednesday 26th January

Panda’s birthday tomorrow.  He’s promised he’s not having a party at the house, which means he definitely is.  After the trauma of last year’s party I asked Hannah if she fancied a night in a hotel, my treat.  She did, but when she asked if I trusted Panda’s friends not to go in my room, even if I did lock it, I got scared and instead invited her to stay at ours – less romantic, but better than me getting home and finding some drugged up loser has shat all over my bed and burnt my clothes.

Thursday 27th January

Panda’s birthday.  Ed and Lispy gave him a new beanie.  I gave him a Calippo and a dead arm.

Hannah came over but a Panda party failed to materialise.  She brought the nightie – to take my mind off it if there was a party, but I refrained from the bum action – don’t want to seem too keen.  I was hoping she’d bring her camera but no such luck.

Friday 28th January

No party today either.  Panda’s gone out with some of his more ‘illegal-inclined friends.’  He did invite me, but also said I’d hate it, so I politely declined.

Ed’s got Lispy round.  I keep popping to their door to see if I can hear them having sex.

Saturday 29th January

Panda came back with a girl but luckily they made it to his bedroom.  I listened for a while but grew tired in the end.

Sunday 30th January

I need to lose weight.  14st 8!  Maybe once my birthday is over I should get back on it.  Can’t do it before because we’re all going for a Chinese and I want to be able to eat my weight in chow mien and Szechuan prawn.

Monday 31st January

Noticed Martyn’s hands for the first time.  They’re really quite big.  How on earth do they fit?