January 2009

Thursday 1st January

It’s midday and I’ve already broken three resolutions.

1. Be out of bed by 7:30am.

2. Do exercise every morning.

3. Don’t break any resolutions.

I was convinced that by adding that last one I’d be more likely to stick to them. Might as well break all the others now, the whole thing’s ruined.

Even before I’d broken those three I was losing. Last year my only resolution was to never make resolutions again, can’t even stick to that.

Awful time last night. Why are people so annoyingly happy when the year is about to increase by one number? No matter what the date is, people are still going to have to put up with 365 days of their shit lives.

Panda’s asleep on the sofa with that girl he pulled. How comes I can talk to a girl all night and not have them show a shred of interest, whereas he can tell one that he sees dead people and before you know it their sucking each other’s faces off? If I didn’t have Hannah I doubt I’d ever have sex again.

Friday 2nd January

Really glad I didn’t take today as holiday like everyone else. Pretty much had the whole office to myself, and as Andrew wasn’t in I could get away with doing absolutely no work. It’s not like I’m going to get a promotion anytime soon, so why should I care? They should have just fired me.

Ended up spending most of the day gluing the word ‘Friday’ over all the days on my desk calendar. Now, whenever I look at it, it’s a little fix of calm because it’s Friday. Always Friday. I’m going to do the same thing at home – Sunday nights will never feel the same again.

Off to pick up Hannah. Bought her some flowers on the way home from work. They got a bit crushed on the cycle back, but the thought’s there.

Saturday 3rd January

Hannah hasn’t broken any of her resolutions. I told her I hadn’t either. I also told her that one of my resolutions is to watch her play with herself until she cums. She refused so that’s four resolutions broken now.

She says one of my resolutions should be to decorate my room.

Took Hannah to a fancy, new pub-restaurant place in Boreham called The Lion. Really nice food was ruined by a family of posh twats sat on the table next us. One of the kids was called Tobias, another called Teddy. There was also a really ugly girl and another boy that was a moon-faced Rick Astley lookalike who I truly believe will grow up to be the ultimate cunt. Their mum asked: “so how are you finding the new nanny?” the Rick Astley turd said: “we just look for her around the house and there she is.” He thought he was so fucking funny. The mum looked at him like he was a delightful wit when he said: “I really make you laugh don’t I, Mummy?”

The girl was complaining that she could see dust in her lemonade. She told the waitress to go and make her a better one. Her mum and dad looked on smiling at what a rude piece of shit they had spawned. I hope they all burned in crash on their way home.

Sunday 4th January

There was a book called ‘The Standing Pool’ in the bookshop window. When I initially glanced it I thought it said ‘Poo’ instead of ‘Pool’. I wasn’t interested after I did a double take and realised my mistake.

Smashed another resolution by not calling at Mum and Dad’s at the weekend.

Ed came back today. He had a worse New Year’s than me – broke up with Sarah. He put on a brave face but I could tell he was pretty cut up about it – especially when I listened through his door and heard him crying. He needs to man-up. They were only together a year or something.

Monday 5th January

Snow! Not masses, but enough to make it exciting yet dangerous on my way to work.

Everyone was back today. Something was wrong with my emails so I had to wait an hour for them to fix it. This place really puts the ‘Sh’ into I.T. support.

Martyn seemed sad. What with him and Ed moping about, I’m actually feeling pretty good about myself. If only I could crush Panda’s spirit in some way, then I’d be three people happier – haven’t had that in a long time. I should call Simon – with the size of his depression I’d be boosted into double figures! On the negative side though, I’d have to speak to Simon, so that would bring me right back down again.

Tuesday 6th January

Ed’s still down, but at least I can talk to him now without it looking like he’s going to start sobbing in front of me. I just have to be careful not to mention the opposite sex, otherwise it could set him off.

How is it that at the age of 28 I’ve only just realised ‘be careful’ is two words, not one? It’s like when I discovered that February had two ‘r’s in it… mind blown!

‘In deed,’ that’s another one… two words, rather than one.

Just Googled ‘Indeed’.  It is one word!  So I’ve gone from spelling it right, to spelling it wrong, and am now back to spelling it right again.  Maybe I’ll just write infact instead.  Although I’ve no idea if that’s one or two words either.

It’s two.

Wednesday 7th January

They’ve installed a new air freshener in the toilets at work. It has a timer on it and automatically counts down before spraying. Because the ceilings are so low in there, they couldn’t place it very high. I got a face full as I entered before lunch. I can still taste it now.

James spent the day mocking me for all the Fridays on my calendar. When he was at lunch I smacked his pencils on the floor to break all the lead within. Good luck sharpening those buggers!

Thursday 8th January

Spent the day testing myself against the air freshener dispenser. It sprays every 21 minutes and 13 seconds, according to the countdown timer when it re-starts the cycle after spraying.  When I was in there I looked at what remained on the countdown clock, and added that to two lots of the 21 minutes and 13 seconds it takes to do a full cycle.  My plan was to walk in there exactly as it’s spraying, ducking to avoid getting it in the face as I did so.

It was hard to do the maths because I suck at maths, especially time maths, and it doesn’t count down whilst it’s spraying and that takes a few seconds  But around 45 minutes later I went in there to see if I would achieve my goal.  I didn’t.  Infact I was out by quite a bit, so the challenge continues.

Friday 9th January

Still not managed to beat the air freshener. Had a stopwatch running on my phone and everything, counting up to the point when it’s done a few cycles and I expected it to spray. If only I could apply the same level of attention to my actual work, I might finally get a promotion.

Not seeing Hannah tonight now, they’ve got welcome drinks for some people at her work who started this week. She asked if I wanted to go but I really didn’t want to, so I told her I wasn’t feeling well.  I don’t think she believed me because rather than being sympathetic, she ended up in a pissy mood.

Saturday 10th January

Met Hannah in town as she wanted to go clothes shopping. Had to pretend I was now feeling better. She got some smart new work clothes in the sales. I bought her a pair of really skimpy knickers that have ribbons you can undo at the sides. They’re amazing. It was so hot having her naked in bed apart from those – undoing one side and then the other before slowly peeling them open. She really got off on it too. Maybe I should make some boxer shorts that do the same thing and wear them for her as a joke.

Sunday 11th January

Caught my foot-elbow on the dishwasher. Absolutely killed.

Panda asked if I would change my name to ‘Hand Job’, for a hand job. I initially said no, but when he stated that it could be from any female of my choosing, I changed my mind, but said only if I could change my name back again once it was over. He said that was allowed, but not until all official documents had stated the new name as ‘Hand Job’. He also said that the hand job would not happen until the name change was deemed (by him) to be official. Thinking about it now, I’m not sure why I humoured him with an answer.

He said he would, and he’d get Lea Thompson to provide the hand job – but not modern day Lea Thompson, Lea Thompson as she looked in Back To The Future (not with all the prosthetics).  I told him that if I was able to time travel, then getting a hand job would be pretty low down on the list of things I’d want to do.

Monday 12th January

Martyn wants to go out with me this weekend. He really needs a girlfriend, that way he can stop pestering me for company. I told him I’d go for a couple of pints after work on Friday, then I’ve done my bit and he’ll hopefully leave me alone for a while. The other reason to go is I could get Hannah to meet me afterwards, get her nice and tipsy and have a saucy cuddle whilst her inhibitions are numbed.  That sounds quite rapey.

Still not nailed the air freshener challenge.

Tuesday 13th January

James keeps flirting with Sally. He then keeps trying to talk to me about her. I found it hard enough to get a girlfriend of my own, so I really don’t want to go through it all with someone else, especially when I won’t even get to sleep with them.

Wednesday 14th January

Panda’s finally got rid of the last of the charity shop stuff from the living room. Ed asked him not to take anymore, which is stupid because now Panda will do it just to spite him.

Thursday 15th January

Panda keeps sneezing. Knowing him he’s probably picked up some form of plague. I told him it’s pathetic how much of a slave he is to his nose and he needs to show it who’s boss. He couldn’t.

Friday 16th January

Bit warmer this morning. Still fucking cold, but not as bad. Got to go for drinks with Martyn after work. It’s always fine when I’m there, but the thought of it bores me to tears, plus I guess I owe him, although he doesn’t know that.

Saturday 17th January

Martyn’s so terrible around women, and coming from me that’s quite the insult. I know it’s easy to say “just go and talk to her!” when you’re not the one who’s got to go and do it, but if he won’t even consider it then he’s never going to get any action.

Met Hannah afterwards and got some cheap food and even cheaper booze.

Panda wasn’t DJing so we all watched The Dream Team. He’d stolen some vodka from a club and I had two big bottles of Lucozade, so I’m now off my balls on alcohol and glucose… alcose… glucohol!

Sunday 18th January

Panda’s really hungover. He didn’t even make it upstairs to bed. He’s not dead – I had to check that, but he was sick on the floor by the sofa. He’d managed to drag the bin over to him, but obviously keeping it upright was a struggle as it was on its side and covered in puke. Points for effort at least.

I don’t feel too bad. I must have drunk a small pond’s worth of water to dilute the vodka.  Always drink a pond after boozing – that’s my new motto.

Monday 19th January

A new temp started today, just for a month to do boring paperwork stuff that no one else wants to do. He’s called Tom and is the stupidest and most annoying person I think I’ve ever encountered – and I’ve encountered some right tools.

I had to help him with the photocopier because every time he copied something the text on the document would be cut off. He wasn’t placing the original against the ruler edge markers, where it says A4! He was just plonking it down in the middle of the glass and pressing go. Even if you’ve never used a photocopier before, surely it doesn’t take more than three brain cells to put two and two together?

What made it even more annoying is that he wouldn’t accept that he was doing it wrong, he just complained that it should be designed to automatically judge where the edges of the document are and frame accordingly.

Tuesday 20th January

Tom is still being a complete dicktard. He had to take some teas into the meeting room. When he came out it took him about 20 goes to close the door. Admittedly the door is hard to close, because the latch doesn’t align unless you really pull it really hard, or ideally slam it.

If it was me, I would have worked it out after the third or fourth failed attempt and tried one big slam, but he just tried lots of little goes, each time leaving the door to open partially as he tried to walk away. In the end Andrew had slam it from the inside. Of course he kept on about how it wasn’t his fault, it was the door’s, which is technically true, but if something’s not working you have to adapt.

Wednesday 21st January

Had to come to Tom’s rescue again. He was struggling with the meeting room door and after three attempts just stood there holding it, fixing those around him with panicked eyes.

I really wanted to just leave him there. It would have been great if Andrew had come out after an hour to find him still holding it, but I relented, took the handle and pulled it shut as hard as I could – click!

I think people are starting to assume that I have some kind of bladder problem, as I’m constantly getting up to go to the toilet. Most the time I don’t even do a wee, I just look at the countdown clock on the air freshener and swear when I realise that I’m either really far out with my timings, or I’ve just missed it by two seconds.

Thursday 22nd January

Was talking to James and Martyn about Back To The Future. Tom decided to join in the conversation. How the hell can he not like Back To The Future?!!! Apparently he doesn’t like time travel films because the science of time travel would never actually work, so he just can’t believe in it. What an empty joyless life he must live.

Friday 23rd January

Annoying light-pissy-drizzle rain today. Shouldn’t have cycled in but I hate the thought of walking with a brolly or getting the bus more. It’s also boring having to strip out of wet waterproofs and then put them back on at the end of the day. I wish they had a free car park I could use.

I want to punch Tom in the head. I don’t know if he’s purposefully trying to wind people up, or if he’s just a dick, but if he is hoping for his contract to get extended at the end of his four weeks, he’s going to be really disappointed. Maybe he wants to get fired, and that’s why he’s acting like such a twat.

Apparently he refused to go and see Iron Man because he doesn’t like Marvel because they sold the film rights to loads of their characters. How is that a reason for anything? I tried to explain that it really doesn’t matter and the film’s amazing, but he wouldn’t budge. He’s seen the first X-Men film, but didn’t like it because Hugh Jackman’s too tall for Wolverine. I’m sure he says half this shit just to wind people up. I won’t be helping him with the door again, that’s for sure.

Saturday 24th January

I love Hannah so much. She bought me a box of Kelloggs Start because I was saying how nice it is and haven’t had it for years. We both had some for lunch – she’s now a convert. Best cereal ever.

I started dropping hints about Ricicles. Will save me a couple of quid if she takes the bait and gets me a box.

Panda’s birthday on Tuesday. Went into town and bought him some fancy headphones. I normally wouldn’t spend so much but I’m hoping he’ll take to using them rather than playing his music incredibly loudly at all hours for us all to hear. If I just got him some cheap ones there’s no way he’d put them on. It’s for the greater good.

Sunday 25th January

I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I’m so bored of it. I need to look for a new job. I can’t believe I fucked up a possible promotion.

Ed’s still moping about. He’s not as bad as he was, but still pretty tedious.

Monday 26th January

Why is egg so sticky? It’s like the stickiest substance known to man. They should use it in manufacturing instead of welding. Bean juice is another one. If you don’t rinse off the bean juice and egg matter before it goes in the dishwasher you’re going to have to rewash that fucker by hand. And if it goes through the dishwasher still on the plate it’s twice as hard to get off by hand because the drying phase bakes it on.

Tuesday 27th January

Panda’s birthday. He hates getting older. I think the only thing that gets him through it is knowing that Ed and I have a one year head start on him. Gave him his headphones – he liked them! Hopefully he’ll see them as a way to really hear the clarity of his songs, and not a desperate attempt for me to get him to shut the hell up.

He’s having a party on Saturday and only females are invited, so apparently Ed and I have to get out the house. We told him that’s not going to happen. He did the usual “my house my rules” thing, but he knows that never works.

Wednesday 28th January

Heard Tom talking to Sally. He thought he was such an intellectual when he told her that nothing rhymes with ‘orange’. He may be right, I doubt he is, but the one big detail he’s forgetting when it comes to that whole ‘what rhymes with orange’ thing is who fucking gives a shit?

Luckily Sally managed to confuse him when her response was “is that the same with any fruit?” I don’t know if she’s that stupid or just wanted him to go away. It worked if that was her plan, because he headed back to his desk after that.

Thursday 29th January

Nailed the air freshener challenge! It sprayed just as I entered the door and I managed to duck down to avoid it. I felt like an action hero. I probably looked like an idiot. Still, at least I’ve done it.

Friday 30th January

Tom doesn’t believe in recycling. He says he shouldn’t be forced to recycle when the real problem is huge polluting businesses, such as energy and water companies, which continue to do nothing. He was telling Hilary and I in the kitchen that if we really cared about the environment we’d petition the government to force change upon the real culprits of pollution, rather than blindly accept their bullshit policies that are purely imposed to distract us from what’s really going on and give the impression that the government cares, when really they don’t want to upset the apple cart and their rich mates who run those places. Kill me.

Needless to say that when he left the room I fished his coke tin out of the bin and placed it in the correct receptacle. I swear he says this shit just to be different. No reasonable person can possibly believe that recycling isn’t worthwhile, surely? And I still don’t believe anyone could hate Back To The Future. He just enjoys saying the opposite to what normal people think. He’s gonna get punched by someone one of these days… possibly Hilary. She was furious!

Saturday 31st January

I’m hiding in my room as the girls arrive. I was really excited at the prospect of it, but then about half an hour before they were due to arrive I realised that I’d have to talk to a load of girls. Considering my skills in conversation are pretty low when it comes to the opposite sex, well any sex actually, I’m keeping my door closed until the last of Panda’s stolen vodka (which I stole from him) kicks in.