May 2009

Friday 1st May

Friday today but I couldn’t even be bothered to summon the energy to piss about with the security guy’s gears. I blame my lack of effort on not seeing Hannah tonight – that always puts me in a bad mood. I miss her on a Friday night.

Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl invited me out tonight for a booze up. I reminded her that as a recovering alcoholic I found it easier to stay dry by avoiding pubs and clubs. She texted back with: ‘Makes sense. Sorry 🙁 x’

Saturday 2nd May

Woke to deafening sounds coming from Panda’s room. Apparently whenever inspiration hits him and he gets an idea for a new tune he has to record it there and then. My request for him to use his birthday headphones was met with the response: “Headphones increase bacteria in your ear by 700 times,” which is bullshit – I looked it up and it’s only 11 times, and it’s not even a problem anyway!

Hannah’s on her way over, she’s not staying round but we’ll still get to watch a film in bed.

Sunday 3rd May

Managed to convince Hannah to stay round, it meant her using my toothbrush, which I’m not sure if I find sexy or not. On the one hand we’ve shared every sort of bodily fluid going, so this is just an extension of that, on the other hand we had pork in our Chinese last night so if it got stuck in my teeth, it sure as hell got stuck in hers.

Went into town and bought Hannah a toothbrush, texted her a picture of it next to mine and said: ‘Now my toothbrush has a girlfriend! xxxxx.’ Luckily she saw it as a sweet romantic gesture and not a way to avoid some kind of hideous stomatitis mouth party.

Monday 4th May

Another bank holiday. I hate bank holidays – too much pressure to make the most of it and when you don’t you feel like a failure. That’s how I feel right now.

Tuesday 5th May

Bored, bored bored. Not sure if I can make it through another week of this bullshit.

Can feel one of my back teeth has a chip in it – not sure how that happened… I’m falling apart! Booked in at the dentist for Thursday, hopefully that woman’s still filling in for Mr. Collings – last time I went her breast was pressed directly against my face as she peered into my mouth – I fluctuated from turned on to queasy as she pushed her tit harder against me and scraped the plaque off my teeth at the same time.

Beth the new, fat, ugly girl was in McDonalds at lunch time but when she returned to the office she purposefully pulled an apple and banana out of her bag. At the end of the day I left via her desk and saw them in the bin.

Might get an iPhone.

Wednesday 6th May

Went into town with Martyn at lunch, he has a date on Saturday and wanted me to help choose some clothes for it! I thought it might be fun to convince him to wear something outlandish or awful, but as he explained that this was his first date in five years I couldn’t go through with it. In the end we chose some trousers and a shirt. They weren’t my cup of tea but he seemed into them.

He asked me not to tell anyone about the date, especially not James – he met her on the internet and thinks that will lead to ridicule. I wonder if he’s a virgin. He’s twenty-five and hasn’t been out with anyone for five years so it’s possible.

Thursday 7th May

Had a filling. Didn’t hurt, but the drilling sound rattling about inside your head is a real killer!

Had a lot of fun eating a sausage roll afterwards… trying to judge if something is chewed properly when you have no feeling in the teeth that are chewing it was an experience, and not an unpleasant one.

Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl, gave me some extra strength nuro-something pill things, I don’t think they mixed with the injection too well – I drew a square on a piece of paper, roughly coloured it in and showed it to Martyn before bursting out laughing… he wasn’t sure what to say.

Crossed the road without looking at lunch – nearly got hit by a car. I’m glad I don’t bother with drugs.

Friday 8th May

Hannah emailed at lunch to say she had to work late. Accidently let that slip to James who whined like a bitch until I agreed to come out to Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl’s drinks. Quite a large turnout for someone so fat. I always had it in my mind that fat people are unpopular – perhaps they should be, that way they would lose weight to try and fit in.

After my third pint an angry looking Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl dragged James away to “have words.” He came back wanting to know why he’d been told off for forcing drinks down my neck against my will. I told him I’d seen her going into the local schizophrenia clinic and my friend who used to work there had said she was medically declared “brain-fucked.”

It was later, when I started to embellish the story and told him I had seen her eat a pencil at her desk, that he called my bluff and I had explain the origins of my alcoholism. All in all, however, it was a good night. The highlight was seeing James throw-up on an Astra.

Saturday 9th May

Woke with no hangover… I knew it was worth drinking a litre of water before bed.

Jesus Christ! What is wrong with the people in Phones 4 U? Due an upgrade on my Motorola. Innocently entered the shop and browsed for 20 seconds before a girl comes over demanding to know if she can help. Two minutes later I’m upstairs at her desk and have had every possible personal detail written down – I’m surprised she didn’t shove a finger up my arse and check my prostate! All I want is a new phone – I felt like an interrogated war criminal.

Turns out the Nokia N85 isn’t available on O2, and never will be. The nearest rival for features and size is the Sony C901 – a good phone and decent camera. I think I’ll just go for an iPhone in the end, even though they do kind of make you look like a tosspot.

It’s embarrassing how desperate the staff are to make a sale. After saying I was going away to think about the Sony C901, I had the manager on the verge of a breakdown saying,: “What can we do to make you take this phone away now?” I told him he could throw in a free laptop. He thought I was joking and then I left – some people really aren’t cut out for business.

Went into the O2 store and got an iPhone.

Sunday 10th May

According to the old e-web a new version of the iPhone is coming out in July! If that’s true I’m gonna smash up the O2 store for selling me the shitty, old one under false pretences. I’m so annoyed.

Monday 11th May

Most of today was taken up with talk of Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl’s, birthday drinks: who was the most drunk, who pulled who. Turns out James was the most drunk and he pulled Sally – there, I’ve talked about it in nine words, how everyone managed to stretch it out to nine hours is beyond me.

Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl was in her element about it, seeing herself as some kind of matchmaker because it was her birthday drinks. I pointed out that some people find love in prison; it doesn’t mean that the judicial system is a form of dating service. She didn’t get my point.

James constantly confided in Martyn and me about what it meant and if Sally had said anything to us. Martyn seemed worried by the whole thing – I was indifferent… she’s a prick tease and nothing else.

Martyn’s date didn’t turn up on Saturday. He didn’t want to talk about it.

Tuesday 12th May

Hannah came over last night. She was strangely quiet… which was nice.

Sally asked me if James had said anything about her. I told her he’d said nothing and asked if he’d said anything about me. She didn’t get the joke.

Got cornered by Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl, in the kitchen. She was still going on about how exciting it is having an office romance. I pointed out that they only kissed for two minutes and since then neither has said a word to the other one.

She ate four hobnobs whilst we were talking and then took another three back to her desk.

Wednesday 13th May

Wednesdays are always such a non-event. Everyone always seems so depressed that only two days have gone and there’s still two days to come.

James and Sally still haven’t spoken.

Thursday 14th May

James sent me an email: ‘Do us a favour. Email Sally and ask her if she wants to meet me for dinner after work.’ I did and she replied: ‘OK, where?’ He told me to reply with: ‘He doesn’t mind. Pizza Express?’ I actually replied with: ‘He says anywhere you like, he’s paying.’ She came back with: ‘Wow, OK. There’s that new Italian place. How about there?’ I told him where she wanted to go. He came back with: ‘Fuck me! Why so expensive? What’s wrong with Pizza Express? Cheeky bitch. Do girls still like paying half? Equality and all that? Tell her we’ll go after work.’ I let her know. When they left at six I heard her say: ‘Thanks for this, really nice of you.’ I couldn’t help laughing as they walked through the door. Martyn looked worried.

Friday 15th May

James emailed me as soon as he got in this morning. ‘Bitch! Nearly 100 quid that cost me. If women want equal rights they should fucking pay!’ I didn’t tell him I had been the one to offer his money so readily. Turns out she didn’t put-out either, not even for a kiss. That’ll teach him to chase after girls with no moral fibre. Hannah always offers to pay half, that way I get to refuse. Everybody’s happy. Sally does have a great arse though.

Saturday 16th May

Woke up at eleven this morning. Ed had been up since half seven – what’s wrong with him?!

Spending the afternoon with Hannah and then staying over hers tonight – her parents are away for the evening so I won’t have to sleep on the sofa.

Went into town after breakfast, bumped into fucking Clare Grover again! “How are you?” I asked once more. She needs to tie a bell round her neck so you know when she’s coming.

Went into Superdrug and bought some black hair dye: 29 years old and apart from having it cut I’ve never experimented with my hair. Dark brown to black isn’t exactly a brand new me, but it’s something.

Sunday 17th May

Hannah liked the hair! Even went as far as saying it was sexy – although not sexy enough to have sex with me. I thought that’s what we did when her family was away? She likes doing it in her bed. To think I missed a bootsale for that. Oh well, fuck her!

She had friends to see for the rest of the day, so I went home and shot Russians on the PS3.

What’s her fucking problem?

Monday 18th May

If anyone at work carries on with this “are you going grey?” bullshit tomorrow, I swear I will either resign or piss in the kettle – it doesn’t bother me, I don’t drink hot drinks. Absolute bastards!

Emailed Hannah, she seemed in a better mood today. Won’t be seeing her until she’s finished her… well I don’t know exactly what the project is, but something big at her work finishes this week, so hopefully on Saturday she’ll be her lovely, normal self again.

Everyone was excited because a man was sitting nude at a desk in one of the flats opposite. You’d think these people had never seen a cock and balls before… I certainly have (my own!).

Tuesday 19th May

I swear I saw a bird as big as a dog today – a medium sized dog.

Everyone had grown tired of the “going grey” gag today, everyone except Beth, the new, fat ugly girl who slipped it into every email and every conversation we had. Well it’s never really much of a conversation, she says words at me and I ignore them.

James and Sally haven’t spoken since their ‘date’.

Signed up to Interflora and sent Hannah some flowers at her office. She rang back and cried. Not exactly want I wanted, but at least it means she liked them.

Wednesday 20th May

There are more ‘th’s’ (as in 20th) than ’st’s’ (as in 21st), ‘rd’s’ (as in 23rd) or ‘nd’s’ (as in 22nd) in any given month. 4th to the 20th May – that’s 17 ‘th’s’ in a row. 24 ‘th’s’ in May in total, compared to 3 ’st’s’, 2 ‘nd’s’ and 2 ‘rd’s’… fuck me I’m bored. What am I doing with my life?

Thursday 21st May

James sent me an email this morning: ‘Want to do something for lunch?’ We did and he spent the whole time explaining to me that he and Sally had split up. I tried my best to argue that they were never going out but he was having none of it. He says she cheated on him – got off with some guy in a bar last night. I told him he needed to somehow try and get on with the rest of his life, possibly move away and start again.

Friday 22nd May

Hannah’s coming over soon. All her work should be done by now so hopefully my normal, beautiful girlfriend will be back and this imposter will have vacated her body. Treating her to a meal tomorrow night and will buy her something when we go shopping in the day.

James excitedly informed me that he and Sally are going to give it another go. They didn’t say a single word to each other all day, so looks like it’s going well!

Saturday 23rd May

Had a great day with Hannah, screwed her brains out last night and this morning and had a romantic time for the rest of the day. Bought her a bag and some shoes. She insisted I shouldn’t but she really wanted them so I nipped back to the shop whilst she was looking at the home department at Debenhams. Once she’d stopped crying we could get on with our day.

She couldn’t stay over tonight which was annoying – her friend’s boyfriend has gone away and wanted the company (the friend not the boyfriend).

Sunday 24th May

Dogs really are stupid. Was driving down the A1114 and saw the cars up ahead were slowing down. Belting down the grass verge ran two dogs, one chasing the other in some kind of game. They ran past and, in my rear view mirror, I saw one of them run out into the road, get knocked down by a van, then get up and carry on chasing the other one around its wheels. Imbeciles!

Monday 25th May

The iPhone’s great, but every time I use it I can’t help seeing it as an inferior version that will soon be replaced. There’s some big Apple conference on the 8th June and everyone’s expecting the new one to be unveiled then. I hate O2 – thieving, lying, bastards trying to shift their crappy stock on to me to make room for the new stuff.

Tuesday 26th May

James and Sally were talking today, not sure if that means they’re still together or not – he wasn’t pestering me so I guess it means it’s on.

Spent lunchtime at my desk as it was pissing with rain – big mistake as I was hounded by Beth the new, fat, ugly girl… although she’s not so new anymore and I guess I’ve become accustomed to how fat and ugly she is because it no longer seems so offensive. It’s just like having a big ball in the office. I guess it’s like when you put aftershave on, after a while you get used to the scent and can’t smell it anymore… not that I want to smell her.

Wednesday 27th May

James and sally weren’t talking today which meant he came over to me about every fifteen minutes to moan about her.

Got a text from Simon, hadn’t heard from him for ages, not since his mini breakdown. He’s still miserable. Was moaning that he walked past his old school and could see himself as a boy, his whole life ahead of him, but now he’s wasted the last fifteen years: ‘I’d give anything to go back.’ I warned him that time travel was a risky business: ‘look what happened to Michael J. Fox… he got Parkinsons.’ I didn’t hear back from him.

Spent the day trying to convince Hannah to come round for the night because Ed and Panda are out, she wasn’t having any of it though, so now I’m bored out of my brain.

I was watching Beth through my gap in the monitors this morning – she arrived with a McDonalds breakfast, ate half the hash brown and then put the rest in the bin. She looked like she was going to cry but no one said anything. At lunchtime she pulled it out and finished it off. What a pig.

Thursday 28th May

Had to tell James today that unless he and Sally are getting married I don’t want to hear anything else about their ridiculous relationship. He seemed genuinely shocked that I didn’t care and walked off in a huff. Saw him chatting with Beth later, she then emailed me all the details of the James and Sally saga… I can’t get away from it!

Friday 29th May

Once again Beth invites me out. Martyn says she’s very open about how ‘hot’ she thinks I am… that’s all I need. Oh God I hope she doesn’t think about me when she’s alone at night…. or do I? I probably do, but when I picture her doing it I’ll give her a better head.

Seeing Hannah tomorrow night now instead of tonight – I’m sure the prawns I bought on Wednesday for our dinner will be okay for one more night. If we end up puking out of our arses I can blame her.

Saturday 30th May

The prawns smelt a bit strange this morning, but I wasn’t sure if that was my paranoia playing tricks on me. I made a sandwich with some of them and gave it to Panda for lunch. He felt fine by the evening so I tipped the pack into the kedgeree with a clear conscience.

Hannah had been shopping all day with her friends and bought me Little Big Planet on the PS3. I think she felt guilty about blowing me out last night, either that or she just loves me – either way I got a free game.

Sunday 31st May

Spent the morning in bed with Hannah watching the most appalling trite on TV. She’s just left now but I’m seeing her later for dinner at hers.

Panda pulled last night. At lunchtime he emerged with this unbelievably fit girl who was wearing nothing but one of his t-shirts and a pair of knickers. We couldn’t help sharing a smile as she bent over to put her bowl in the dishwasher.

I sometimes miss the thrill of trying to pull someone, but then I love Hannah so it’s a much better exchange. Also, I was terrible at trying to pull, so it wasn’t that great anyway.


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  1. Maccys Hash Brown says:

    Beth is great, I hope she does get thin from her dieting and pineapple protein shakes. I love when she takes the hash brown from the bin, and I love how harsh Gareth is to her. 😀

  2. Sophie says:

    This is fabulously entertaining!

  3. Ron says:

    “At lunchtime she pulled it out and finished it off.”


  4. Cam says:

    Aww poor Martyn.

  5. Jayde says:

    I fucking love this site. Brilliant entertainment.

  6. Jasmine says:

    when is he going to do it with Hannah?????

  7. lenior says:

    Gareth is a piece of crap wow

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