Wednesday 1st December
Hannah texted at lunch, checking we were seeing each other this evening and mentioning she had something for me. Took a few minutes but I suddenly put two and two together and realised it was an Advent calendar. Had to rush into town and get one for her in order to prevent a major crisis. Can’t believe I forgot. We always get calendars for each other. What a bell-end.
Obviously hadn’t told Hannah about my plans with Rachel this evening, so had to cancel her. I think we’re destined to never meet again.
Glad I’m going out. Panda’s with a girl in the living room and I just know they won’t make it upstairs before they start banging.
Thursday 2nd December
Had such a nice evening with Hannah. I was going to drive but she fancied sharing a bottle of wine, so despite the snow I cycled. Still technically illegal to be in charge of whilst drunk, but there’s far less jail time if you get caught.
For wine, it wasn’t that bad. Still horrible, but once it had killed my taste buds and the alcohol had kicked in, I didn’t need to cringe as much every time I swallowed.
We swapped calendars. Mine had a Christmas wreath thing in it, hers a Christmas tree.
We lay on her bed, under the duvet but with our clothes still on, her nestled up against me, our legs wrapped together. We didn’t even snog, but it was the closest and most in love I’ve felt with her since we got back together. Not that we’ve been distant since we reunited, and not that I don’t love her, it’s just been hard. I think we’re finally getting back to how we were before the break-up… well, we’re getting back to the time before she started fucking someone else behind my back.
As it was the first of December, she fancied getting Christmassy, so we watched the Christmas special of Father Ted. I love it when she laughs. She has such a cute giggle.
I wished I’d shagged her now. I’m so horny. Ed’s in so can’t even go into his room and ogle at Lispy’s pants. Might fire up the USB with the nude pics of Hannah on. You know you’re in love when you still masturbate to the person you’re going out with.
Friday 3rd December
Still snow everywhere, although didn’t snow again today. I haven’t been excited about it at all. It’s more of an annoyance. I hope this isn’t one of those boring things about getting older, like Christmas day actually being a massive drag. Hopefully being with Hannah again this year will make it better, but it’s never going to return to the halcyon days of when you’re six and you get the M.A.S.K. Boulder Hill playset.
Just spent about an hour watching old M.A.S.K. cartoons. Not actually as good as I remember it, although the theme tune does still kick arse. Be great to do a heavy cover of it at a gig – the three or four people who remember it would go nuts. Surely it’s due for some kind of reboot, like everything else that’s more the two years old.
Saturday 4th December
The Ghost in a can arrived. Life is complete. I can die happy. Actually I can’t because I always wanted that M.A.S.K. jeep that has a speedboat hidden inside it. Will have to keep living for a bit longer.
Off to meet Simon. I’d really much rather stay in the warm.
The Simon beer went well. Still no signs of cuntishness. I don’t think things will get back to normal until I stop expecting signs of cuntishness, though.
Carried on drinking after I got back – vodka and Lucozade, and now vodka and apple juice. Vodka’s much nicer in something fizzy. Don’t know why. Need Appletiser.
Trying to convince Hannah to come round but it’s not working. She doesn’t want to go out in the cold. I said I’d warm her up this end but it didn’t work.
Ed’s in his room with Lispy, no doubt having sex. Panda’s alone in his room, no doubt masturbating. I’m alone in mine doing neither.
Sunday 5th December
The snow’s on its way out. Just brown mushy shit, like a Slush Puppie gone wrong.
Is it wrong for a man of my age to wear long johns? It’s freezing and I hate it. Long johns and a vest would solve the problem, but it just feels like a weird old man step to take.
Been looking on Google, I could get some black long john legging things, and a black vest top – that has less of an old man vibe, but it’s still not great.
The thought of wearing them also makes me feel like a bit of a coward – “Oh you can’t handle the cold? Poor you. Wrap up nice and warm then. Fucking pussy.” Might ask Hannah what she thinks. It would definitely throw an unsexy spanner in the works if we got down to it whilst I was wearing them, although not if it was the other way round, bizarrely. I’d find it quite cute if she was wearing them and I had to peel them off her – then I’d have to be the one to keep her warm.
I really want to have sex.
Fuck me just tried Ed’s bacon! Amazing! He sliced me off a couple of bits and fried them. So good! Greyer than shop bacon is once it’s cooked – not sure if that’s because shop bacon is pumped full of chemicals, or if Ed’s bacon is riddled with some kind of arse-vomitting bacteria. Even if it is and for the rest of the night I’m emptying my body, in that moment it tasted great.
Monday 6th December
Wasn’t sick out of my arse, the bacon is safe. Really want to try some in a bacon sandwich – well, make a bacon sandwich with some – not add some of that bacon to a bacon sandwich that has already been made with other bacon.
I can’t wait for Center Parcs. Just me and Hannah… and hundreds of other people we don’t know… but when we’re in the little house it’s just us. I really hope she lets me bum her. It’s sort of a tradition when we’re there.
I still really want to see Lispy in her swimming costume. Maybe I will ask Hannah if I should invite them. We’d still have four days where it’s just us two… well, two full days and two half days. Hannah might want to then invite a couple of her friends on one of the days though, and before you know it the whole holiday has been invaded. I’ll just stick to looking at Lispy’s knickers when they’re out. Get my weird sordid fix that way.
Tuesday 7th December
Texted Rachel to arrange meeting up. She hasn’t got back to me.
Jack’s coming round on Friday night. He’s never watched The Dream Team so I said I’d dig out my VHS.
Wednesday 8th December
Lispy’s round again. They’re practically living together. He should propose. I might suggest it, possibly in front of her to make him feel awkward.
I really want some more of that bacon, but if I cook it, he’ll smell it and probably have a go at me. I could cook it on the camping hob thing outside, but it’s far too cold to sit out there. This is why I need thermals – for secret bacon cooking.
Thursday 9th December
Been texting Rachel all day. We’re going to try and go for a pint on Saturday. Something will happen that means one of us has to cancel, though.
She’s so funny.
Panda’s room stinks of sperm again.
Friday 10th December
I’ve fucking had it with Jack! The cunt opened my canned ghost!
He thinks he such a funny practical joker and that gives him the right to ruin my stuff. I’m so fucking annoyed. 21 years that can has been kept sealed, then less than 21 minutes after he arrived it was opened and the fake ghost had escaped.
What’s even more annoying is even when I was slightly pissy with him about it, he didn’t say sorry or anything – just kept laughing and said: “it’s only a pressurised can! You open one every day when you have your Lucozade and Redbull!” I told him I’d only just bought it and he just acted like I was the one being a prick about it. He didn’t even offer to buy a new one for me!
He laughed heartily as we watched The Dream Team. I sat there fuming and planning my revenge. He has become more annoying recently. Ever since he screwed Beth I’ve kept seeing a really snidey side of him.
I hope he fucking dies of AIDs the cocking fuckshit.
Beth’s desk looks like some tinsel has taken a shit all over it. Not a single surface is free from the stuff.
Saturday 11th December
Met with Rachel! She’s so pretty. Why the hell didn’t I try to kiss her during my Hannah downtime? Now she’s with Rob and seems annoyingly happy. Might have to cut her out so I don’t have to deal with how content she is. Don’t think I’d be able to split them up first, she’d know it was me having seen what I’m capable of.
We went to the Royal Steamer for a couple and ended up in McDonalds getting a burger and milkshake. It’s the last thing my waistline needs but Rachel suggested it and I didn’t want to come across as a namby pamby who’s scared of a few calories.
Still fuming about my Canned Ghost. I should throw it away – every time I look at it I want to stamp on things.
Sunday 12th December
Woke up annoyed about the Canned Ghost. Luckily Hannah came over for a cuddle so that took my mind off it. Lispy was round too so we all played Game of Life. I won!
Lispy was wearing a skirt. She had tights on when she arrived this morning, but I guess her and Ed had had a shag at some point because by lunch the tights had gone and just the skirt remained. Despite sitting opposite her, I didn’t manage to catch a quick glimpse of her knickers, although I did try.
I’ve become really obsessed with her pants. I was so drunk and horny thinking about them that by the end of the game I took Hannah to bed and fucked her with her knickers still on. I wonder if I could get Hannah to wear some of Lispy’s somehow? That would be really hot for some reason.
Now Hannah’s gone and I’m back to being annoyed about the Canned Ghost.
Monday 13th December
Left for work this morning and an old woman holding a Zimmer frame was waiting outside her house at the end of the road. She asked if I could knock on the door of the house two down and opposite and ask the lady who lives there to come over and help her.
Knocked at the door and a man answered. I gave him the message and then he got his wife. I gave her the message. She was annoyed and said she had to be somewhere and was running late – what did she want me to do about it? I was only delivering a message, no need to get shirty. I left after that. I told the old woman someone would be over shortly and continued on my way. Wish I’d found out what was wrong now. She wasn’t still there when I returned from work, so either the lady across the road helped her or she died on the street waiting and the body had been removed.
Jack didn’t say anything about the Canned Ghost. Nor did I. He’ll get what’s coming to him.
Tuesday 14th December
Wish we were at Center Parcs already. It’s boring waiting.
Need to get Hannah’s Christmas present. I think the reason I’m putting it off is because it’s so much money. I want her to have something really special, because she’s really special, but also I want to spend my money on me. Need a new phone. Fuck it, I’ll just get her it. Will go into town at the weekend.
Wonder what she’ll get me, nothing will beat the camera, so whatever it is, I win. Hopefully she’ll cry when I give it to her. It’s nice when she cries. Maybe she could get me another Canned Ghost. Jack should get me one really, but he’s a massive wanker who can’t ever admit he’s done something wrong.
Wednesday 15th December
Greg was being such a bore today. I wonder what his wife looks like. I like to think she also looks like an egg.
Thursday 16th December
I’d had enough of the cold today so went into Debenhams and bought some long john/legging type-things and a vest. Haven’t worn them yet, they’re sitting on my chair, daring me to try them on. They only had white ones, which was a shame.
Just tried them on, they look ridiculous, but no one needs to know, except Hannah. Sent her a picture of me in them and said: ‘I am now officially an old man.’ She came back with: ‘You were an old man a long time ago :p.’ I then sent her a picture of me completely naked and said: ‘would you prefer me like this?’ She said: ‘I would, but you might get a bit cold.’
Regret sending the pic now. It turned me on at the time, and I hoped it would lead to her returning the favour, but she didn’t and now I don’t like the thought of a naked pic of me floating around. Luckily I framed out my head. It’s the vodka’s fault. Everything’s a good idea on vodka.
Friday 17th December
Old man or not, thermal underwear is the way forward! Other things that could be seen as boring and old but are actually amazing are dressing gowns and slippers. I’ve reached the stage where I just want to be comfortable and warm, and don’t care what I look like. Maybe it’s time to stop sleeping in boxers and get some pyjamas.
Saturday 18th December
More snow. Piss-loads of it. Made myself go outside and enjoy it, which was easier to do in the thermals. Picked Hannah up and dragged her around on a sledge. Didn’t have a real sledge, but luckily there was a large cardboard box in the garage that I could adapt. Hannah had fun being pulled around, but it didn’t last that long as the bottom of the box slowly got wet and disintegrated.
I made Hannah try on my thermals under her clothes. She loved it. I was right that she’d look cute in them, dragged her into bed whilst they were still on her, pulled them down just over her bum and did her from behind. She’s gone home now and I’ve got them back on. The thought of her wearing them whilst I shagged her, and me now wearing them is making me incredibly horny.
There’s some new knickers in Ed’s drawer. One pair is especially nice, has little flowers on them.
Sunday 19th December
Had an argument with Panda because he ate the last of my Start and emptied his bedroom bin into the kitchen bin leaving a load of used Johnnies for us all to see. Either he uses them more than once or he creates an unusually large amount of spunk, because they were unnervingly full.
You can never win an argument with Panda so I just ended up getting more and more furious before storming out of the house. Ended up walking around town for a while but didn’t have my thermals on so nearly froze to death. In a moment of madness decided to go to The Ship and hang out with Rob and his friends. They weren’t there. Probably for the best.
Bought Hannah’s camera. The huge dent in my bank balance will be worth it on Christmas Day.
Getting a cold.
Monday 20th December
Ridiculously cold today, and I have a cold, so that’s great. It was so freezing that even Beth was suffering, and she’s got a 10ft wall of flab surrounding her. Wore the thermals all day. Got a bit sweaty in the office, but I couldn’t be bothered to keep stripping in the toilets to get them off and on.
I wonder if it will snow on Christmas Day?
Christmas work drinks on Friday. Really don’t want to go to that, but at least we all get to leave at lunch and not come back.
Jack’s acting like everything’s cool with us. Oh how little he knows me.
Tuesday 21st December
I’ve given up with work. Literally achieved nothing today. It can resume in the New Year. Possibly.
I hate having a cold. Sore throat is the worst part. I’d rather break my leg. I’m sure having a sore throat makes the throat swell up so that air gets trapped in the windpipe. How else do you explain me burping more? I should Google it.
Wednesday 22nd December
If there ever comes a day when they stop manufacturing Crackerbread I’ll be absolutely gutted.
Thursday 23rd December
Was drunk and feeling sentimental about Hannah so watched a live performance of Glorious by Andreas Johnson. He looked like Crispin Glover.
Wrapped up all the presents, such a boring job.
Had fallen behind so had a load of Advent calendar doors to open – another sign of the unending melancholy life becomes as you get old. Why is it that things that you once held dear turn from a joyous part of life into an inconvenience? Things that used to be really important are banished, becoming nothing more than memories, no matter how hard you try to hold onto them.
I still have hopes for Christmas day, but I know by lunchtime I’ll be asking myself where the magic is. It’s gone, never to return. I wonder if there will come a day when I don’t even have the high hopes. I suppose there will.
Why is it that all the things you once really loved leave you but nothing, other than worry and cynicism, fills their place? I wouldn’t mind no longer enjoying an Advent calendar if something new came into my life to replace it, but it doesn’t. The happiness to emptiness ratio slowly grows in favour of emptiness. No wonder Dad’s always miserable. At his age, he must be a husk.
Friday 24th December
Work drinks were a washout, thank god. Bottles of sparkling wine were opened and people milled around chatting. I like neither of those things so avoided the wine and tried mainly to talk to Martyn. Couldn’t even be bothered to try and flirt with Hilary. Jack was trying to get somewhere with Mena, but although she seemed to be enjoying the game, she left the pub at five along with most people, including myself.
Off to Hannah’s now.
Saturday 25th December
Christmas Day. Come on Gareth – be positive.
Not a bad start. Got downstairs and three stockings were hanging by the fireplace. One for me, Ed and Panda. I left them alone to begin with, unsure who the culprit was and what nasty surprise lurked within. To my amazement, when Ed and Panda joined me not long after, it was revealed that Panda was playing Santa. Inside was a bottle of booze for us each. We both know he stole it from a bar, but it’s the thought that counts. Turns out he stole the stockings too: “They were reduced, so I reduced them further.” I may enjoy today yet. Off to Mum and Dad’s now.
I’m in trouble. Jumped on the scales at Mum and Dad’s. 14 stone 6. 14 stone 6! How did that happen? In my head I was about 13. I want to be 12, or at the most 12 stone 7. I’m so overweight.
As if that was bad enough, a horrible awful realisation has hit me – in sixteen days Hannah and I go to Center Parcs and everyone is going to see me in just my swim shorts looking like shit. Even though Hannah says she likes me the way I am, I’m worried that being amongst men who are in considerably better shape than me will really open her eyes. Also, there’s loads of gorgeous girls in swimming costumes at Center Parcs that I like to secretly check out, so I really don’t want to look repulsive for them. Not that anything will happen with the gorgeous girls (except Hannah), but I’d feel so much better about myself and have a much better time if I wasn’t becoming the male version of Beth.
Got to go all out for the next couple of weeks. Luckily I hadn’t eaten anything before I got on the scales at Mum and Dad’s so I could start straight away without thinking I’d already screwed it for the day. Stayed right off the booze and didn’t pig out like I usually do. Seemed like a bit of a waste of a Christmas Day, but I reasoned that Christmas Day is shit anyway, so what’s the problem?
The annoying thing is I’ve still got the tale end of this cold, and when you’ve got a cold all you want to do is pig out and not do any exercise. Still, it’s only a couple of weeks. It’s not like I’m off these things forever. When I’m in Center Parcs I can treat myself to all the bad stuff. Just got to earn it.
After the revelation, I had two bits of toast to tide me over until lunch. Put butter on them, well, that Lurpack stuff Mum and Dad have. Tried to be a bit thrifty with how much, but I did find myself thinking: ‘It’s only butter. It’s booze and sweets I need to be really careful of.’
If I can get to 13 stone 7 before Center Parcs then I’ll be vaguely happy. If I can lose another stone after that, I’ll be delighted.
Went to Hannah’s in the afternoon. As I wasn’t drinking I could drive instead of walk. She bought me an iPhone 4! I was in desperate need of one – my old one was like a slug. She bought it outright too, so I’m not a contract slave and can reduce my tariff.
Considering I’d spent £500-odd quid on her camera, I’m glad that I wasn’t just unwrapping a DVD and a new T-shirt. Her generosity took the edge off mine and I think that’s what stopped her crying.
When I got home installed some exercise apps on it. Got one for doing interval running which is supposed to help you lose weight. Tried it straight away and was quite fun. Better than just normal running because you get to stop and walk every few minutes. Will do it every other day, so that my body has the chance to heal in between – that’s what someone on the internet suggested. Tempted to do it every day, as this is an emergency, but I don’t want to injure myself and then not be able to do any exercise for the next 16 days.
Need to get some running shoes really, don’t think my normal trainers are cut out for it.
Sunday 26th December
14 stone 5 pounds! I’ve shed 2 pounds already! The running app must be good. I’m going to cut out carbs too, and do a bit of fasting. Did some research on the web last night – and by that I mean I read about 2 articles. Think I get the idea though.
Went into town this morning and bought some scales. Fancy ones with a digital read out, like Mum and Dad’s. Loads of people pushing each other around as they tried desperately not to lose out on the best sales bargains. What they don’t realise is that they’re all losers.
Been really good today. No booze, sweets, no bread, potatoes or any of that stuff. Just mainly meat and eggs.
8pm. Stopped eating for the rest of the day and it’s now time to fast. Will next have something at midday tomorrow. It’s going to be hard though – one of the highlights of my life is secret cereals at about 10pm.
Monday 27th December
14 Stone 3 pounds! It’s falling away! It’s good this no carbs shit, even if I’m not entirely sure what has carbs and what doesn’t.
Bank Holiday. Nice.
Went and bought some running shoes. The shop had a treadmill set up where they analyse your stride so they can fit you with an overpriced shoe. I put a pair of shoes on, got on it and starting running. The staff guy behind, who was supposed to be analysing me, was laughing! Felt a bit self-conscious but carried on. When he stopped me I said: “I’m already exhausted. I’m not used to running.” He said: “I can see, it was very funny.” Fucking arsehole!
He said I have displaced hips, which is why my right foot sticks out at an angle all the time. He also said it’s a problem which you only usually see in women, particularly after childbirth. I don’t know if he just felt like winding me up or what, but I’m inclined to believe him because there’s definitely something up with it. My right foot does tend to swoop out sideways a bit when I’m running, rather than going back and forth in a straight line. I asked if there was anything I could do about it. He said yoga or Pilates might help. I’m not doing yoga or Pilates just to stop me looking like a spaz when I’m running along.
The shoes the computer, or possibly him just guessing, assigned me were some ‘neutral’ ones that would offer me the right amount of maximum-mid-sole and medial support and cushioning. What a load of old wank. All I know is I’ve paid a hundred quid for a pair of Brooks shoes, a make a I’ve never heard of and is probably reserved for gullible twats like me who go into running shops to buy them and end up getting laughed at as they stomp along a treadmill being watched by a slim, good-looking dickhead.
Took the new shoes out for a spin when I got home. I may have paid over the odds, but they are comfortable when running. Also bought some running leggings, shorts and a running top whilst I was there. Expensive jaunt out. That’s all the Christmas money gone. Still at least I look the part – and the part is an overweight man in his thirties, squeezed into tight lycras, running along the road with one leg side-swooping out to the right of him.
Got really bad sugar and, I guess, carb cravings. Can you get carb cravings? No idea. Even when I was full of meat and vegetables I was still desperate for one of those huge tubes of Jelly Tots and a sandwich. Had some yoghurt to take the edge off. Is yoghurt allowed? It is low fat, but then does have sugar in it.
Had some Ikea meatballs at 8pm. Won’t eat anything else for 16 hours.
Tuesday 28th December
14 Stone 2 pounds! It’s still going down! Did two sessions on the running app today. It puts you on an 8 week course. I won’t be able to do the whole thing in two weeks, but I can double up and hopefully speed up the process. Was out for over 5 miles. Burnt 838.6 calories. Was knackered afterwards, but I did get through it. Maybe I’m not as unfit as I thought.
Will make sure I do it every other day from now on. Think I’m pushing myself to hard and at this rate I’ll end up with an injury, especially If I’m going to double up again.
Scrambled egg, bacon and avocado for lunch. For dinner a chicken kiev and some vegetables. Shouldn’t really have had the kiev because of the bread crumbs, but it needed using up and I wasn’t going to scrape them off like a mental case.
Stopped eating at 8pm again. Wasn’t in the mood for something substantial, despite thinking that I really should to keep me going until tomorrow. All I had was some cauliflower and taramasalata, tinned peaches and cream (not in the same bowl). Should I be having cream? One article said to have full fat cream, and fat on meat’s good. Good fats are good. But if I want to lose weight should I have them? I could easily look this shit up, and then I’d know.
Wednesday 29th December
14 Stone 2 pounds! How have I not lost any weight after the mammoth session yesterday?! Honestly thought I’d be in the 13 stones today. Starving hungry and it’s only 8am. Knew I should have had more than cauliflower, taramasalata, peaches and cream for my 8pm feed. Maybe it was the yoghurt and cream. I really thought it was OK to eat those things in moderation, especially when you’re cutting out carbs? I’m going to read more about what’s actually allowed and not.
Had some more cauliflower and taramasalata as there is no way I’m making it to midday without some food. Should I be eating taramasalata? It’s got carbs in it, but I’m not sure what’s too many carbs and what’s fine. Really should look it up. I wish someone could just tell me – someone I wouldn’t have to pay.
Will have to do some kind of workout if I want to be lighter tomorrow.
What a ballache.
Hard to stay healthy at work. Chocolates and fizzy drinks are my usual way to help the time pass more pleasantly. Not to mention an egg bap from across the road.
Not many people in today. Using up their holiday. It’s nice when the office is empty, I don’t actually have to do anything because no one is watching.
Did enough researching into the diet to discover (according to this one article) that you shouldn’t drink beer – which is fine, I know that, I’m not – but you could have vodka, so long as it’s not with sugary drinks. So I’m drunk. Had it with apple juice. Which does have sugar in it, but it’s natural sugar. Does that count?
Thursday 30th December
14 Stone 3 pounds! What in the shit is going on? I’m being so good, apart from a bit of booze.
I can only think it’s either the yoghurt I’ve been having (not in a gay way), the taramasalata, or the booze. Or all 3.
I’m hoping that because of the running I’ve put on some muscle in my legs. They say muscle weighs more than fat, so maybe I’ve lost fat but gained muscle. Can you gain muscle that quickly? Again, it’s one of those things I should really look up.
Just had a very quickly look. It’s not new muscle. It must be the booze, or yoghurt. I’ll cut out the yoghurt. The need to lose weight wasn’t as strong as the need to get drunk this evening, so I had some vodka with a sugar-free Redbull and then with apple juice. Then I had a bit of port because Ed opened the bottle Panda stole him.
Is it alcoholism when you don’t have to have a drink, but you’d really much rather that you did?
Didn’t go for a run because Hannah came over. Burnt off some calories in bed. I was glad she was making me do all the work this time.
Stopped eating at 8pm. Had some ribs. Delicious.
Friday 31st December
14 Stone 2 pounds. This is so annoying. I was doing so well. At least it’s gone down again… like I did on Hannah last night.
Went on another mammoth app double session. First was 2.57 miles and burnt 451.4 calories. The second was 2.56 and burnt 421.4.
Thought I was going to die after. Got back and have felt pretty ill since then. Weighed myself again and was 14 stone 1, that’s probably just through sweat though, so I won’t count it.
Beth was going on about New Year’s Eve. I really want to just stay at home, but Hannah wants us to go to her work friend’s party. Luckily Rob won’t be there, that would be awkward. So annoying that I have to keep pretending to be the outgoing party animal that I portrayed as Confident Gareth. He’s gone Hannah. Get used to it.
Having a preemptive vodka and sugar-free Red Bull – it’s the only way I can handle a social engagement. Vodka isn’t many calories, and nor is a sugar-free Red Bull, so other than the artificial sweeteners, or other weird things in the Red Bull, I can’t see how it would screw over the diet.
Like what you’ve read? Then ‘Like’ it below!