August 2009

Saturday 1st August

Bored and boring day for both myself and Panda. We spent the majority of it lying on the sofa, trying to work out what we could do that we’ve never done before. By 9pm we had decided to sell all our old stuff at a bootsale tomorrow. It’s gone midnight and we’re still trying to load up the car with all the shit we want to get rid of.

Sunday 2nd August

Arrived at the bootsale at 6am – it opened at 7. Despite it not being open, weird scumbags and gippos were hanging around and as soon as you opened your boot they were in there, rummaging around saying,: “Got any phones, got any swords?” Swords?! What the fuck are they planning to do? I had to tell them to fuck off away from the car before I slammed their arms in the boot.

Got set up and then it was just a case of standing in the blazing sunlight until we either sold everything or collapsed from sunstroke. Big sellers were shoes and our old toy cars. I also managed to shift my two broken DVD players by promising the buyers that they were fully working. Less successful were the VHS tapes. We priced ourselves out of the market by starting at £3 each and by the time we’d reduced them to 3 for 50p, the bootsale was drawing to a close.

Ditched all the remaining shit at a charity shop.

Monday 3rd August

Spent all evening trying to find my binoculars – the bootsale sort-out un-earthed its lens cap that had been missing for about 2 years. After a couple of hours, Panda revealed that he had put it in one of the boxes to be sold! Arsehole! He couldn’t remember if it sold or not, so tomorrow I’ve got to go to the charity shop to see if it’s there.

I don’t think Hannah had much fun with her friend. Sounded miserable on the phone. That’s why she should only ever hang out with me.

Tuesday 4th August

Went into the charity shop – there were my binoculars sitting on one of the shelves. I explained the situation to the old lady we gave the stuff to on Saturday and she said she couldn’t give them back to me as she didn’t remember me bringing any stuff in! I’m not proud, but I called her a fucking arsehole and stormed off. I then had to send Martyn in later to buy them back – £10! Ten fucking pounds for my own binoculars. Panda’s away until Friday, but I’ll make sure he gives me the money when he returns!

I am a little bit proud I called her a fucking arsehole.

Wednesday 5th of August

Hannah’s just dumped me. Cunt.

Thursday 6th of August


Friday 7th of August


Saturday 8th of August


Sunday 9th of August

Will go into work tomorrow. Didn’t even call in sick last week. Probably going to be fired for not turning up. Fuck them.

Monday 10th of August

It was worse than I imagined. Called into Andrew’s office as soon as I got there – the fucker was nice to me. Really nice. Even after everything. He was worried more than angry. Wasn’t expecting that at all and ended up crying in front of him. What is it about people being nice to you that opens the floodgates? I’d rather he was a cunt.

Was told to go into town and get a coffee and comeback when I was ready. Returned at about half ten with a face as strong as steel. Wasn’t long before Martyn, James and Beth were over asking what was going on. Told them what had happened and that I didn’t want to talk about it. They kindly imparted the shittest pieces of advice I could ever not want to hear: “Plenty more fish in the sea” – Martyn; “You can do better than her” – James, and “What’s meant to be is meant to be” – Beth… erm, no there aren’t, no I can’t and what the fuck are you talking about your stupid fucking twat! They left me alone after that and I didn’t reply to any of their emails.

Currently sitting on my bed. Ed offered to make me some dinner – I’m so hungry, have hardly had anything since Wednesday. Told him I’d make something later. Not sure he believed me as it’s nearly midnight.

I love her so much. Why has she fucking done this to me? I fucking hate her.

Tuesday 11th of August

Fucking coward did it over the phone. She spent the evening at mine. She was quite quiet but didn’t really give any signs that she was unhappy – we just watched TV in bed like we had done countless times in the past… maybe that’s why she dumped me – not exciting enough.

Drove her home and parked up outside her parent’s house. Gave her a kiss and a hug. That was the first moment I could tell something was really wrong. She didn’t really commit to the kiss or the hug. She said night, got out and walked up the drive. I wound the window down and said “love you”, but she didn’t say anything back. Stupid thing is, when she was in the house I called her every name under the sun as I sat in the dark. I even said to myself: “I hope we fucking split up if you’re going to be a childish bitch.”

Called her when I got home. Asked if everything was OK because she didn’t say that she loved me. “We need to talk,” she said. Everyone knows what that means, unless they’re a child or complete div. Apparently she’s been feeling like this for a while. She said it’s not me, but then she didn’t say it was her either, so fuck knows whose fault it is, especially as she promised there was no one else. “I just feel like I need to be single for a while,” – that might sound like a nice let down in her head, but essentially she’s saying: “I’m sick of being with you, so from now on will not be with you.”

I told her I could change as I cried down the phone, but she pointed out that I had done nothing wrong. I told her she could change, but that just made her snap back with “It’s not my fault either!” If I had any sense I’d have come back with “Well until you decide whose fault it is, why don’t you just fuck off.” Instead I cried some more and told her how much I love her. She told me she needed to get to bed and she’d call me in a few days to check I’m OK. It’s been 5 and not heard a word from her.

I miss her so much, I don’t know what I’m going to do?

Wednesday 12th of August

I wish everyone at work would stop asking if I’m OK. Martyn played the good Samaritan (in his head) and told me that when I’m ready, he’d help set me up on one of the dating sites he used. Technically that was a nice thought, although somewhat spoilt when he mentioned that if I say he recommended it to me, he gets £20 cashback.

Hannah just called to see how I was. How does she think I am? The girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with ended a relationship that I thought was pretty damn perfect. She still wants to be friends. I asked her if she still loves me – apparently not in that way anymore. I ended up in tears again. We’re going out for a drink on Saturday night. A friendship building exercise in her eyes, I guess. In my eyes it’s a chance to try and get her back.

Thursday 13th of August

Walked into the office kitchen to find Martyn kissing Beth, well, it was more Beth devouring Martyn, if I’m honest. I guess all that’s still going on then. They both apologised like I’m some kind of emotionally damaged retard who can’t stand to see other people happy. I told them it was fine, which wasn’t true, but not for the reasons they’re thinking – I don’t care that they’re happy in a relationship, I just don’t want to see two people sharing bodily fluids and groping each other next to the biscuits.

The James and Sally saga is going from strength to strength as well. Just me who’s miserable then.

I’ll take Hannah to our favourite pub on Saturday, it’s where we had our one month anniversary meal all those years ago.

Friday 14th of August

Texted Hannah to say where we’d go on Saturday and that I’d pick her up at 7:30. Nearly texted her last night but was able to resist it – my ‘give her some space’ rule crumbled this morning. She texted back saying: ‘We’ll just go somewhere in town, get me at 7.’ Decided I wouldn’t text back straight away. An hour later sent ‘OK x.’

She didn’t even send a kiss.

Saturday 15th of August

FUCKING CLARE GROVER! Why does she insist on bumping into me in town?!!! I’m sick of having to have stilted conversations with that stuck up Nazi.

Bought some new clothes for tonight, got trousers, a zip up hoody and some trainers.

Just about to leave to go and pick her up. Had a shower and put on the new clothes. Half an hour later changed into my old clothes as I was worried that she’d think I was making an effort to try and win her back. I’ve made sure I’m wearing old clothes she likes though.

Here I go. My heart feels like it’s trying to be sick.

Back. Her mum answered the door. She was super polite and smiley. Even her dad had refrained from doing any vacuuming. Hannah and I chatted in the kitchen – painful small talk. Her mum’s eyes were very watery and she had to leave the room after a few minutes. Wish I could have.

We went to The Plough. I made jokes and she laughed. She did the same (although my jokes were actually funny). I can barely remember what we talked about – I was too busy concentrating on not ruining things. She had a couple of glasses of wine, I had a pint and then a shandy. I offered to pay, but she insisted on buying the second round.

As we walked back to the car, the subject of the shattered pieces of my heart came up – “I know it’s weird now, but it will all be OK.” I didn’t really know what to say to that, and as my eyes were beginning to water and my throat felt like I’d swallowed a snooker ball covered in gravel, I just made a non committal sort of croaking sound. “It feels so strange to be walking down the road together and not hold your hand,” she said. I told her that we could hold hands one last time, it doesn’t have to mean anything. We did and we walked like that to the car, my heart trying to kick its way out of my ribcage.

We got back to hers and I went in for a drink. Her parents were out seeing friends. Normally we’d go straight up to her room, but this time we watched TV in the lounge, our legs touching slightly as we sat. After about an hour, I told her I’d better let her get to bed. I wanted to hold her so badly, so I said: “give me a hug you big bloody idiot,” and dragged her onto me. She rested her head on my chest and I put my arms around her. We lay like that for some time. I began stroking her back, first through her clothes, but then I lifted up her top and stroked her skin. She told me my heart was beating really fast and I said it was because I wanted to kiss her so badly. At that point, she slowly pulled the bottom of her top back down and sat back on her own on the sofa saying: “We can’t, Gareth.”

I didn’t argue with her, despite having many reasons why we could. I just told her I’d better be going and took my rapidly pooling eyes back to the car. Cried all the way home.

Miserable. Going to sleep now – will probably have miserable dreams too… perfect end to the day.

Sunday 16th of August

Didn’t dream about any of it, thank God.

I made it to 1pm before I texted: ‘Was good to see you yesterday. I can’t believe your dad wasn’t vacuuming the car when I arrived.’ I left off a kiss at the end so as not to seem too keen. She texted back at 7pm: ‘He probably nipped out there with it as soon as we had gone, lol.’ Couldn’t decide what was best to text back after that – in the end I went for: ‘Captain Dyson rides again!’… I’m an idiot. She didn’t text back – I wouldn’t have texted back to that either.

Monday 17th of August

Didn’t get much work done today – too busy checking my texts and refreshing my Hotmail, hoping for something from Hannah. Nothing.

That fishing shop around the corner from the office is closing down.

Tuesday 18th of August

Beth was off sick today. Martyn was like a puppy without its owner – just aimlessly walking round the office unsure what to do with himself.

James dragged me out for lunch with him. I tried to resist because I didn’t want him asking relentless questions about Hannah, I should have realised that if there’s one person in the office self-involved enough not to care about my worries, it’s James. He didn’t ask me a single question, just kept going on and on about Sally, analysing every microscopic detail of their relationship. I didn’t really listen to what he was saying – too busy checking my emails (nothing). I just threw in the occasional “yeah” and “no” to pretend I gave a shit. The bit I did hear was: “Honestly mate, she could suck a golf ball through a hosepipe,” – which is such an old analogy that it’s not even funny, and, if it’s true, the last thing I would want is her sucking me off… ‘suck a golf ball through a hose’???? – your kidneys would end up in her mouth.

Wednesday 19th of August

Seeing Hannah Friday night! Collected up some of her bits from my room and texted her last night asking if she wanted them. She does and she has some things of mine. Going to hers at half 7.

Beth was still off sick.

Thursday 20th of August

Beth was back today – she had a tummy bug. If I’m honest, that’s all I needed to know about it (actually, I didn’t even need to know that), but if she wanted to give a reason for her absence, just saying: “I had a tummy bug,” would have sufficed. She broke the news by saying: “I was having constant runny moments on the toilet and thought it would be awkward going through that at work.” Why the hell did she say that?! Why does someone who gets embarrassed when she sneezes not bat an eyelid when it comes to describing her bowel movements? For fuck’s sake.

Get to see Hannah tomorrow. The thought of it’s making me feel sick.

Friday 21st of August

Went to Hannah’s, we handed over the stuff. My bits for her consisted of a few things I picked up from around my room – there’s still plenty more back at the house. The box she gave me pretty much said ‘I’m wiping you out of my life.’ She even gave me back the little Lego figures I made to look like us both.

Her family were out again, so we sat side by side on the sofa and watched TV. After a while I did an obviously fake yawn, stretched my arm up and put it around her. She looked at me and smiled, so I sort of reclined back slightly and pulled her with me, so her back was against my chest, with my arm still round her. “You always loved my moves,” I said in an overly confident manner – which made her laugh.

We stayed like that for quite a while. I was scared to move, worried that she’d edge away, but I eventually started stroking the hem of her top between my fingers, occasionally touching the bare flesh of her belly underneath. Within about ten minutes I was stroking my hand all over her stomach (although not under her top), edging higher and higher. She wasn’t stopping me so I went for it and started gently stroking across her right breast, finally cupping it with a soft squeeze. I didn’t mean to say anything, because that’s what fucked me over last time, but I ended up whispering to her how much I missed her. There was a moment of silence as I caressed her body before she jumped up, grabbed me by the hand and led me up to her room.

She quickly got my trousers and boxers off before lying on the bed and taking hers off too. I climbed on top of her and we started doing it. I tried to kiss her but just as she started kissing back, she turned her head away.

The sex wasn’t particularly sexy. It definitely wasn’t romantic. When she led me upstairs, I wanted it to happen more than anything, but when we were in the act, it wasn’t how I had imagined the reunion to be – it was quick and kind of awkward. A little eye contact would have been nice. Don’t get me wrong, it was effective – for me at least, but after I had finished, I tried to cuddle her – she pushed me off, saying: “It was just sex.”

Afterwards, we awkwardly got our clothes back on as we attempted to lighten the atmosphere with some dubious attempts at humorous banter. Despite the small laughs, I don’t think either of us really found what we were saying funny. I was glad when I left. I think she was too.

I’m trying to work out what this means. I love her so much, I just want her back – does she still love me? I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to make this happen.

I’ve got sore eyes. I’m tired too. Sick of it all.

Saturday 22nd of August

I thought she’d text today. I haven’t texted her. Don’t know if I should.

Had two boiled eggs for dinner. It wasn’t until after they were cooked that I remembered Panda had broken the eggcups. I had to put them in a drinking glass each – which looked ridiculous and made dipping almost impossible. Took a photo of it to send to Hannah – that would have made her laugh. Didn’t send it to her in the end – wouldn’t have achieved anything. I did send it to Ed and Panda though, with a message saying: ‘The egg cup situation has reached breaking point.’ Ed texted back with: ‘I’ll get some in the week.’ Panda texted back with: ‘Hahahahah, you fucking Benny.’

Sunday 23rd of August

For the first time in ages, Ed, Panda and I had no other plans. We went to a bootsale and all chipped in for a Sega Saturn. We spent pretty much the rest of the day playing Daytona, taking it in turns on the endurance drives, purposefully crashing every now and then to make it more of a challenge.

We ordered in pizzas and Panda cracked open a bottle of Malibu he nicked from a club.

Work tomorrow. Boring.

Monday 24th of August

Went into the fishing shop, which is closing. No idea why, I have absolutely no interest in fishing – left almost immediately. I’ve only been fishing once – sat on the bank of a river for about 5 hours with a friend and caught one small gudeon. Pointless.

I can’t look at Beth without disgust now… well, more disgust than normal.

Just had a text conversation with Hannah. I couldn’t take it anymore and asked her what Friday meant. She said: ‘It was just really nice goodbye sex.’ – It certainly was ‘goodbye sex’, it was me saying goodbye to my pride.

Despite me trying to persuade her to take me back, she made it clear that we’re definitely over and it’s for the best if there’s no more cuddling, holding hands or any other funny business, ‘otherwise neither of us will be able to move on.’ I DON’T WANT TO MOVE ON YOU FUCK! She did say, however: ‘Who knows, many years down the line, when we’ve both had a chance to grow, things may change. But not now.’ So there is hope! Or is there? Fuck that fucking fuck. I don’t know anything anymore.

Tuesday 25th of August

Can’t walk properly. Stamped on one of Panda’s Akira videos last night that he got from the bootsale. Well, repeatedly stamped on, I should say. I was angry with Hannah, it was asking for it by lying on the floor, I had no shoes on, the plastic shattered and dug into my foot. Now it hurts when I put weight on it. I deserved it really. I was the one who fucked things up.

Not sure what’s more exhausting at the moment: being heartbroken or pretending to mum that I’m not heartbroken so she doesn’t worry about me.

James, Martyn, Sally and Beth are taking me out on Friday night to, in their words: ‘Get you back on the horse.’ I told them there’s no point, the horse is dead, but they wouldn’t take no for an answer. It was going to be my choice of where we go, but as soon as that was offered, Sally said: “No it’s my choice, I’m the best at having a good time.” I dread to think where we’ll end up.

As the others headed back to their desks, Martyn leant into me and quietly said: “I’d let you have a go on Beth to help you out, but once you’ve had fillet steak, you don’t want to go back to hamburgers.” He then sidled off across the office. I’m not sure I like Martyn having a girlfriend – it’s turned him into some kind of sleazy pimp. Besides, what he said isn’t true, I know for a fact that he and Beth have been to an Angus Steak House and got a McDonalds on the way home. Martyn’s turning into a bit of a dick… and he’s putting on weight.

Wednesday 26th of August

“Two days!” James said to me as he bowled into the office. I replied with: “Then you’ll know if your tests are all clear?” He ignored that and told me Sally’s bringing a load of her fit mates down and one of them’s bound to wank me off. I asked if they were as stupid as Sally: “Oh yeah, they’d have to be to wank you off.” I couldn’t think of a come back to that one, so he won – this breakup has really thrown me off my game.

Why is everyone having sex but me? Ed and Panda both at it tonight (not with each other). Ed’s one sounded like she was having more fun, but Panda went on for longer (disconcertingly longer, actually) – so I’m not sure who wins out of those two.

Thursday 27th August

Left before Ed and Panda’s birds got up, so didn’t get to see which was better. If I was a betting man, it would be Panda’s, whenever he DJs there’s always a swarm of unbelievably fit (although slightly slaggy) girls crowded around his booth. On the other hand, I’d probably find it easier to have a conversation with Ed’s one, as there’s more chance that she’d have read a book in her life.

“One more day ‘til the big night out!” James chirped this morning. I told him that technically one more day would take us to 9:30 Friday morning, and there’d still be another ten hours before we went out. He’d be better off saying: “34 hours to go!” He came back with: “You’re right, specifics, that’s what turns girls on the most, glad to see you’re working on your chat up techniques.” He then shook his head and walked away as I stood in silence trying to think of a way to turn it back on him… I think Hannah’s taken all my powers!

Haven’t heard from her since Monday. Hope she’s not dead… or do I? No, I don’t think I do. Although it would stop anyone else putting their cock inside her…, well, it would stop most people, there are some sick fucks out there – why am I writing this?

Friday 28th August

Went on the ‘big night out’. I was stuck in an email chain during the day with the others, all talking about the night’s forthcoming events. I didn’t reply to any of them, even when asked a question. When work finished, the girls went and got changed. Sally looked properly fit in a really tight, black dress. Beth looked like shit in an even tighter black dress. James, Martyn and I just wore our work clothes, although Martyn did change his tie.

First we went to the pub. I offered to get the drinks in, which was taken as the nice gesture that it seemed. I didn’t tell them that the twenty quid bill was a small price to pay to not have to talk to them for five minutes. As we sat there listening to Sally babble on, I realised that essentially I was gate-crashing a double date. I was the pathetic single friend that the others had taken pity on. I necked my beer and ordered another on the way back from a piss.

Martyn and Beth are planning to go away for the weekend together. That led Sally to chirp up with: “Ooh, James, we should have a weekend break!” I couldn’t help laughing at James’ reply: “A weekend break sounds great, but where will you go?” Sally didn’t get that: “No, I mean we’ll go together.” “Oh right, OK. Sounds great.” he said, giving me a sly wink. Since when did James become such a joker? I should have been the one to say: “I’m sure James would love a break, but where will you go?” I’m really, really off my game.

We all finished our drinks and moved on to the next pub along – the aim being a mini pub crawl on our way to the bar where we’d meet Sally’s mates. As Martyn got more and more beer inside him, he became more and more affectionate towards Beth. It started with loving looks across the table and a bit of hand holding, and ended with me spotting him grabbing her arse and telling her “I want to burst inside you.” Disgusting.

Fucking disgusting.

I hate bars – noisy, sterile, up their own arse, shitholes full of twats. That said, they do attract some hot girls. To say Sally’s mates were stunning would be like describing Beth as a bit of a porker – they were so much more than that (and so is Beth). They all had perfect hair and nails, long legs and each had an arse so wonderful you just wanted to climb inside it and go to sleep. As we headed over to their table when we arrived, James whispered in my ear: “Told you.” “Yes you did,” I replied, quickly choosing my favourite of the girls in my head. We all sat down and James, wanting to show off and flash some cash, offered to buy the table a round. He timed it well though as Sally’s friends already had drinks, so it was just us to buy for.

I’m not sure how long we all sat there talking for, well I say talking, mostly someone would say something that was drowned out by the noise, so we’d all have to ask them to repeat it. Martyn offered to buy the next round, wanting to show off to Beth. It was badly timed though and everyone wanted a drink. He winced as the orders came flooding in.

I eventually worked my way around the table until I was sitting next to a girl named Fiona. She wasn’t my initial choice when we walked into the bar, but as the night progressed, Fiona was giving me the most eye contact, so I figured my best shot was with her. Despite us both having incredibly dull jobs (she is a secretary at a solicitors) the conversation came easily and didn’t dry up. For some reason, at one point, I began telling her exactly how to fillet a mackerel. She seemed interested though and there must have been a reason for me to bring it up – I hope there was a reason.

I was getting Fi, Martyn and myself a drink (no one else, I’m not made of money – I only got Martyn one because he overheard), and this prick and his mate sat at the bar were saying some fucking horrible things about Beth. It was soon obvious that they didn’t know her, that they’d just spotted her across the room and decided to take the piss. It was mainly for being fat and squeezed into a tight dress, which I had to let them have as it was more a statement of fact than a verbal ribbing, but when they started shouting across the bar: “Ehy fatty, when’s your litter due?”, then I quietly bent down behind one of the guys, opened the flap on his poncey leather bag that was sat under his stool and poured in the contents of Martyn’s pint. When I returned to the table and handed Martyn the empty glass, I said: “You’re welcome,” but that was met with confusion. I didn’t bother telling him what I’d done.

Dukes was next on the cards and if there’s one thing I hate more than bars, it’s fucking clubs. I walked with Fi behind the others and, as we headed up Duke Street, she pulled me into the doorway of a shop for a kiss – well, a lot of kissing. I immediately got an erection, but it had been so long since I’d pulled anyone that I’d forgotten the etiquette – do girls like it when you push it against them? Or does it creep them out? I decided to play safe and angled myself so my hip was pushing against her rather than my boner. Not sure how long we kissed for, probably only about 5 minutes, but by the time we got to Dukes the others were inside.

I hate dancing. I’m too self conscious for all that crap. Fi didn’t seem to mind me flapping around beside her though, like a seagull who had been caught up in a dredging line. Also, to take the sting out of the dancing, every now and then we’d get off with each other.

It was about half one when I saw Hannah. She was sat on the other side with a load of her work mates. She gave me a big wave so I told Fi I just needed to say a quick hello to someone and I’d be right back. Hannah was annoyingly cheerful. I was hoping that seeing me with another girl would make her jealous but she chatted to me like old times. Even when I told her I was there with Fi and a few from work she didn’t bat an eyelid.

She offered to buy me a drink, so I accompanied her to the bar (I also offered to pay but she insisted that she would, and to be honest it’s the least she could do). She told me all that she’d been up to since I last saw her – there wasn’t a single mention of any other guys! I told her how I’d spent my time, although I decided to substitute the word ‘crying’ for ‘swimming’ which led to her to say: “I never knew you liked swimming so much.”

It was so great to talk to her and we sat there with our knees touching. She’d bought a new dress and looked so fucking sexy, I just wanted to jump on her there and then. I told her not to go without saying goodbye and went back to the others… Fi had gone. James called me a “Fucking bell-end,” I’d only been over there half an hour but that had been enough for Fi to get the hump and fuck off. Oh well her loss.

…Only it isn’t her loss. It’s mine. I went back over to ask Hannah for a dance and she said it’s probably best if we don’t. Bitch. I went home after that. Didn’t even bother saying goodbye to anyone. I’m sat on my bed now watching Ever Decreasing Circles and drinking a pint of water. Fucking loser.

Saturday 29th August

Had texts from James, Martyn and Beth this morning, checking that I wasn’t dead. Didn’t get one from Sally. I texted back: ‘Where were you guys last night? You disappeared on me.’ James texted back with: ‘How was waking up alone this morning? If you hadn’t acted like a prick, you’d have Fiona beside you right now.’ I asked him if he could get Fi’s number from Sally. He said he’d ask her.

Going to spend the day washing the piles of clothes that have built up around my room. Usually Hannah is the motivation to look crumple-free and not smell like the bottom of a bin – not the case anymore though. Now I’m just alone.

Found five pounds in the pocket of a pair of trousers – free money!

Been out and bought 5 lottery tickets.

Didn’t win the lottery. I have no fucking luck.

No text from James with Fi’s number. She hates me. I hate me.

Sunday 30th August

Went to a bootsale with Ed. He decided we should start at opposite ends, and then, with a budget of £2, buy each other the best/worst gift we can find by the time we met in the middle. I got him an old Blue Peter annual in which, on the majority of the pages, someone had drawn the most detailed cock and balls I had ever seen. He got me a box of 30 fizzy bath bomb things.

Had a sausage, egg muffin from McDonalds afterwards. Why is it those things taste so good?

James texted, he asked Sally to ask Fi if I could have her number. Fi said no. So that’s the end of that.

Texted Hannah to say it was good to see her on Friday. She texted back: ‘Same.’ Lovely, thanks for that Hannah, great to engage with you.

I love her but hate her for not loving me back. It’s a really weird feeling.

Monday 31st August

No better way to spend a bank holiday than with your head in your hands weeping.


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  1. Captain Buckyohyeah says:

    5th August – No! What a bitch!

    1. Sue says:

      @Captain – she’s allowed to leave him if she doesn’t love him anymore!! Would you rather she denied herself happiness just to spare his feelings?

      1. Alan says:

        No. girls should not be fickle. 86% of divorces are instigated by the female.

        1. Sue says:

          @Alan – instigated by females because the man’s been unreasonable and probably slept around.

          1. Rodrigo says:

            Shut up bitch

  2. Mags says:

    15th:- I wouldn’t have held hands with him. That was mean. And the cuddle. If you’re unhappy in a relationship then end it, but don’t lead someone on.

  3. Nemo's Missing Again says:

    Why did she bang him again? That’s cold-hearted.

    1. Captain Buckyohyeah says:

      Like I said… Bitch.

  4. Hannah's dad's vacuum says:

    Poor old Gareth! Weird to think this actually happened years ago.

  5. Panda's Broken Eggcup says:

    22nd – I wanna see that pic, lol!

  6. gary says:

    any more updates???

  7. Katie says:

    Gareth! What are you playing at?! Forget that witch you used to date.

  8. Hodgissimo says:

    Poor Gareth, I can actually sympathise with the guy’s feelings over this cold-hearted siren. Had one of those myself back in the early 2000s!

  9. Beth's Tight Dress says:

    I’m going to substitute the word ‘crying’ with ‘swimming’ from now on.

    1. Jenelle says:

      Mighty useful. Make no mistake, I aprtaciepe it.

  10. gareth's boner says:

    I always press my hard on into the girl – it’s flattering to them. 😉

  11. Gareth's Fizzy Bath Bombs says:

    28th of august was epic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    gareth’s life is only slightly less tragic than mine. just as well i don’t keep a diary.

    keep up the good work ed.

  12. Lonely says:

    Ah poor Gareth his life narration was like the perfect beginning to a romantic comedy, he has a great girl a dull jobs while he plays pranks on his workmates. Suddenly the girl turns cold and his life sort of crumbles now that his only real light left. I hope it turns around.

  13. Sam says:

    5th of August felt like a punch in the stomach. I’m dead serious I shipped them so hard and I loved from the beginning how he talked about her and I just had to stop reading for a few minutes and cry because of how badly I felt.

    Ugh I’m too emotionally invested and what makes it worse is these people exist.

  14. Penny says:

    It’s so hard to remember they’re real, probably because i’ve read a few books written like journals. I loved Gareth and Hannah, but if she keeps leading him on I hope she just gets lost

  15. Jez says:

    Nice on Ed – your girlfriend sounded like she was “having more fun”

    1. Ed (The Ed) says:

      Yes she did.


  16. ags says:

    ah fuck ! you are not only Ed but THE ED, that changes the game somewhat, i must re-read the last three months sober, i always read this shit-faced, so you live with him, not work with him ! i wondered how you had such easy access to his flat, fuck, i’m a drunken retard !

  17. angie says:

    lmao im a goose, avoid the previous question in the previous month.

  18. angie says:

    i actually cried. Poor bugger, then again he was an asshole. Guess thats what you get ey.

  19. Alex says:


  20. your mums chest hair says:

    poor bloke. funny to think this all happened years ago and I still feel bad for the guy

  21. Irish says:

    This is a story that is very tragic, I don’t know whether to feel bad for Gar or Hannah. I’ve skipped ahead and seen some of the later entries. It’s very concerning. I hope he’s alright.

  22. severity says:

    Why am I shipping random internet people from back in 2009? Also I didn’t know he somewhat cares for Beth. I actually feel really bad for him and Hannah though. Again this was 2009 what am I doing?

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