February 2009

Sunday 1st February

I pulled one! I actually pulled one! Obviously I didn’t do anything with her, but she wanted to and even suggested we go up to my room. I so could have banged her! Her name was Lou and she was a friend of one of Panda’s female friends. She wasn’t tarty-looking like most of the girls that came along, she actually looked quite normal, which I find far more attractive than too much make up and stupid clothes that are barely there.

I was making her laugh a lot. I can’t remember what I was saying but she seemed to be enjoying it. I must have been talking to her for a couple of hours, but it didn’t seem that long and there weren’t any awkward pauses.

I’m not sure what time it was, but I could tell she wanted me to make a move on her. There’s no way I would have done it, but the thought that I could have certainly gave me a semi as we sat on the sofa, her leg occasionally knocking into mine.

She said: “Shall we go to your bedroom?” and that’s when it all fell apart, because I had to say no… well, I didn’t have to say no… I wanted to say no, because I love Hannah, and Hannah’s all I want.

I don’t know if she was embarrassed or annoyed but, after that, the whole flirting thing was over and we drifted apart. I then hid in my room and didn’t come out again until the morning. Even then I had to make sure she hadn’t slept over.

Panda really has the best chat up lines. I heard him say to one girl: “I’ve got six testicles and you’re getting at least three of them.” “Six testicles?” She asked, confused. “Yeah, I’m like Doctor Who.”

I’m not sure if she was a sci-fi fan, but he ended up sleeping with her. He proudly announced this morning that he “nailed that one. Fucked her then came all over the outside of her pussy. I call it lip-gloss.”

Sometimes you can share too much.

Monday 2nd February

Snow on my birthday. Magical!

29. I can be pleased with the fact that I’m not 30, I guess. Ed got me Ever Decreasing Circles on DVD – I love that show! Panda obviously wanted to match the generous gift I got him, and so presented me with ten Wham Bars wrapped up in kitchen roll. The thought really doesn’t count.

Everyone at work insisted on singing happy birthday and then I got presented with a cake and card. I hate all that – you always have to cut the cake up and deliver pieces to everyone in the office like some kind of baked-goods slave.

What made it worse was I could have escaped the humiliation of it all had I not slipped up and said to Martyn that Hannah was coming over to give me a present. He obviously spread the word and they hastily threw a celebration together, acting like they knew all along.

Everyone was saying how they love chocolate cake. Tom The Contrary made it clear that he doesn’t, obviously.

Hannah’s staying over tonight. Her mum’s going to drop her off. I wonder what she thinks about that? She must know that she’s bringing her daughter to her boyfriend so that he can have sex with her multiple times (If I have the energy). She’s pretty much acting as a pimp. Must be weird.

I hope she wears the special knickers (Hannah not her mum. I wouldn’t like to see her mum in any kind of underwear).

Tuesday 3rd February

Best night ever. She wasn’t even wearing the knickers and yet it was amazing.

I wish we lived together, then we could do it all the time. I wonder what she’d say if I suggested it?

Wednesday 4th February

Why does the last hour and a half of work drag on so much? I think it would be better to start earlier and finish earlier. I look around the office at that time and everyone else seems to be working hard, but are they actually, or are they just pretending like me? I’m sure I’m going to get RSI from the mindless clicking I do between different web pages and documents just to look busy.

Thursday 5th February

Tom The Contrary was having trouble with the door again. I didn’t bother to help this time. He got it on the ninth attempt.

Martyn wants to go out for another pint. Surely it’s James’ turn?

Friday 6th February

Got accosted by a mad woman in the little shop. As I was picking up my Lucozade she said to me: “Don’t ever cry in court. You won’t be focussed.” I thanked her for the advice, put down the drink and left before she had the chance to stab me.

Saturday 7th February

Went to Mum and Dad’s for a birthday meal and to receive their present, well, the card with money in it.

Mark and Emma were there. Mark’s still single, thank God! I was worried he’d go back to that bitch, Diane, again. Hopefully he’s realised that if he was getting hit, then it really wasn’t the best relationship to be in.

Sunday 8th February

Was supposed to be seeing Hannah today but she’s had to cancel. I’m at a loose end now and don’t know what to do. Ed’s out and Panda’s still asleep… or dead. One day it will be dead.

Decided to tidy my room. I managed a small corner before I got distracted looking at all the things I unearthed.

Panda still hasn’t come out of his room. It’s been hours.

What is wrong with Panda?!! Ed banged on his door and asked if he was OK. There was no answer so we went in. At first I thought he had actually died, but no, he was just asleep, completely naked, face up on his bed. We averted our eyes and threw a shoe at him. He woke up and we quickly retreated from his penis.

It was huge.

Monday 9th February

Saw Jenny in town. I made sure she didn’t see me. Even after all this time I feel awful. I wonder if she still thinks about me? Probably, but not in a good way. Definitely in the top five cunty things I’ve done. I wonder what would be number one? Too many to choose from.

I need some new shoes, my work ones are falling apart.

Tuesday 10th February

Bought some new shoes at lunch.

Wednesday 11th February

It disgusts me how Panda can mix two different cereals together in the same bowl.

I’m sure someone’s signed my work email address up to some dodgy sites. I’m getting a lot more spam than I used to.

Thursday 12th February

Tom The Contrary has as much sense of urgency as a dead worm. Thank God he’s out of here soon. I asked him to staple a load of documents together, which he said he’d do but, by the end of the day, had they been done? Had they cocknuts! Had to stay late and do them myself. I hope he gets run over on the way in tomorrow. He’d probably argue that getting run over is good thing, just to be different.

Snowing at the moment.

Friday 13th February

Friday the 13th. Sally was shitting herself, especially when I told her that I saw someone get hit by a car on the way in. I don’t understand what power she thinks the number 13 and a Friday have, and why it only manifests when they are put together.  Every day is a miserable, unlucky curse as far as I’m concerned.

Saturday 14th February

Valentine’s Day. Went over to Hannah’s with some flowers and a card. I’d booked a table at The Blue Strawberry for lunch and after that she came back to mine and sucked me off. She got to enjoy one of her favourite things, and then I did. Equal opportunities.

Sunday 15th February

Had a dream sequel last night. Just like with films, it wasn’t as good as the original.

Monday 16th February

So bored of work. The day really dragged on. I think I might have to actually knuckle down and do some work just to stop me killing myself.

I need a new job.

Tuesday 17th February

Found the best birthday present for Ed. The Tripods series one and two is being released! He’ll fucking love that. Annoyingly it doesn’t come out until March, so I’ll have to print a mock up of the box and give that to him with a note saying ‘I.O.U. Tripods.’

Wednesday 18th February

Bought a grapefruit. Haven’t eaten a grapefruit for ages.

Thursday 19th February

Had the grapefruit after dinner. Such a faff. Need one of those special, curved grapefruit knives ideally. Don’t think I’ll bother again. It was nice, but with the amount of sugar I put on it, probably not the healthiest pudding. Might as well have had a choc-ice.

Friday 20th February

Tom The Contrary’s contract ended today. I think everyone in the office was secretly celebrating his departure, but it didn’t last long. After lunch he happily bounced around telling people he’d been extended until the end of the month. I don’t think he’ll survive that long. If Greg Egg doesn’t kill him, Tessa will.

Saturday 21st February

Ed’s out on a date. I smell rebound!

Sunday 22nd February

Ed managed to seal the deal with whomever he was out with last night. When I went downstairs I could hear them having sex through his door. Two bowls of Start and a phone call to Hannah later, I went back to my room and they were still at it, so he must be pretty into her… balls deep into her. Either that or she’s not very attractive and he was finding it hard to finish.

They hadn’t emerged by the time I went to Hannah’s, so I didn’t get to see what she looked like.

Monday 23rd February

Went to lunch with James and Martyn. It’s annoying how Martyn looks up to him. James was talking about how much Sally wants him and how, if she’s lucky, he’ll let her have a ride. Martyn was hanging off every word. If James was that confident he’d just ask her out, but no, he’s scared of women just like the rest of us.

Tuesday 24th February

I need to start eating more healthily. A grapefruit drowning in sugar once in a blue moon doesn’t exactly fill my five a day quota.

I need to live with Hannah, that way I wouldn’t make do with a cheese sandwich for dinner. If I had to cook for the two of us I’d be more inclined to push the boat out, ingredients and effort-wise. At the moment it’s even too much effort to put milk on cereal.

Wednesday 25th February

I can’t wait for bootsale season to start. I love looking through people’s old shit.

Panda asked Ed if he was still seeing that girl he was fucking. Turns out no. I never even got to see what she looked like. I should install a hidden camera in his room.

Thursday 26th February

Two months into the year and I’ve achieved nothing. That’s another resolution blown.

Friday 27th February

Much warmer today.

Hannah’s out at a work drinks so I’m going to spend the evening playing computer games, eating Chinese food and drinking. If I can get her to come round after, then it might be my perfect evening.

Tom The Contrary has got another week’s work! How is this happening?

Saturday 28th February

Ed’s birthday today. He loved The Tripods DVD, although I think he was slightly disappointed when he saw it was a mock up and not the actual thing. Even more annoyingly he admitted he already had it on pre-order, but he was very pleased and did say that he can cancel his order now and wait for mine. If it was me, I would have said nothing, cancelled it and been a bit more grateful. Cunt.