Wednesday 1st September
Keep trying to think of excuses to text her. I’ve come up with nothing. Problem is that I don’t know if just asking out of the blue how she’s feeling will seem suspicious at all. There’s no reason for her to suspect I played a part in the demolition of her relationship.
Thursday 2nd September
Texted Hannah. I told her it was good to see her the other night and I hoped things at work were better now. She texted back: ‘Still shit! But thanks for texting! X.’ I got a fucking kiss at the end! That’s an improvement on the situation.
I tried the spare cinema ticket tactic on her and mentioned someone had blown me out seeing The Expendables and did she want to come along? She said no initially, but I highlighted the merits of cheesy 80s-style action when you’re feeling down, and I soon won her round.
First date! Although she doesn’t know it’s a date.
I can just picture us after the film tomorrow when I make a move and she tells me she’s going to give it another go with Rob.
Friday 3rd September
Off to pick up Hannah. It will be weird seeing her folks again when I’m picking their daughter up to go on a date. Scarily like old times.
I hope the film’s good.
Saturday 4th September
Had sex with Hannah last night. It was a rebound thing, obviously a rebound thing, but I was happy to let her rebound all over me.
During the film, she kept her phone on and was constantly texting Rob. I tried to read as many of them as possible, whilst making it look like I was engrossed in the film. The upshot was that they were over and she hates him.
We went for a pint after the movie and that turned into a few glasses of wine for her. She wasn’t hammered, but the booze definitely loosened her up and she jumped on me when we got to the car. We kissed and felt each other up for about ten minutes before I suggested we go back to mine. I went all light-headed when she agreed and then drove us home in record time. She had her hand on my cock through my trousers for the entire journey and fixed me with a pouty-lipped, slightly drunk, ‘I want you’ stare that was so intense I could hardly meet it.
We went straight up to my room and tore into each other.
I’d waited so long to touch my lips against her soft flesh and I wanted to make every moment last. Hannah, on the other hand, had other ideas, and wanted me inside her as quick as possible. We didn’t even use jonnies, but she’s still on the pill, luckily. God I hope she doesn’t have AIDs.
We very quickly slipped back into the rhythms of how to please each other.
I didn’t want to spoil the moment at the end, but made myself ask: “What about Rob?” “There is no Rob anymore,” she replied. I asked her what had happened, knowing full well exactly what had happened. She didn’t say he cheated on her, probably because she felt like she couldn’t judge someone for doing exactly what she did to me. She said: “It just didn’t work out.”
We lay naked and intertwined for about an hour, my fingers stroking through her soft hair and over her mole-free back. I could have remained like that forever, but she eventually said she should be getting home. I didn’t try to convince her to stay, but I did ask what this all meant. She didn’t know. I told her that if it’s some kind of rebound thing I need to be told, because I still have feelings for her and can’t spend another year wishing she was mine. She said she didn’t know again – come on love! Fucking think about it!
I dropped her home and told her to text me, but only if she wanted to. Now I’ve just got to wait.
I’m back in a hellish limbo now, not knowing where I stand or what to do. If she doesn’t want me back, then at least Rob hasn’t got her, and at least we got to make love one last time… it will have all been a complete waste if she doesn’t take me back though, and I may as well have been in a coma for the last year.
Still no text or call from her. Looks like it’s over again.
Expendables was shit.
Sunday 5th September
Hannah texted! She asked if I wanted to meet up. Obviously I do, so I’m leaving to meet her in town.
Back. Hannah began by apologising for last night, saying it wasn’t fair on me. I thought that with that comment as her opener, the conversation was going to go downhill from there on in. She went on to say though that our time together made her realise how much she missed me. I was so happy I could have punched her!
We talked for quite a while. I had so many thoughts that I actually found it hard to take in what she was saying. She suggested we take things slowly. I agreed but joked she should feel free to rip my clothes off any time she liked, which made her laugh.
We held hands on the way to the car. I was nervous so my palms were glistening with sweat, she didn’t seem to mind though.
I’m next seeing her Wednesday night. Can’t wait. I cannot wait!
Monday 6th September
Texted Rachel to let her know the good news. She seemed pleased. I should get her some flowers for all her help… she should get a medal really as I couldn’t have done it without her.
Tuesday 7th September
Been texting Hannah all evening. It’s nice to finally be able to text her because I want to, and not have to think of an excuse.
I haven’t told anyone we’re back together (other than Rachel), people can just find out whenever.
Wednesday 8th September
Going to the pub with my girlfriend. It’s nice to write that again.
Had a nice evening. It was just like old times, although she had the fish, something she never used to do. I guess not everything can remain the same. I didn’t suggest she come back to mine, but I did say that on Saturday she could stay over if she wanted, to which she said yes. We’ll be able to take our time this time, not feel like we’ve got to rush through it.
Thursday 9th September
Hannah was a little bit distant on texts this evening. Hope she’s OK. I guess she’s going to be a bit fragile after what she’s been through… after what I put her through. I suggested she come over, but she said she was watching a film with her parents… she’s probably actually fucking another guy.
Friday 10th September
Jack wants to go out tonight to get laid. I’ve told him I’ll come for a bit, but as soon as he gets anywhere I’m going home.
Going to meet him at The Fleece. I don’t like The Fleece, brings back bad memories.
Saturday 11th September
Saw Rachel in town last night – she was holding hands with fucking Rob!!! Didn’t take him long! Or her! I didn’t say hello, would have been weird. I take it Joe’s been given the elbow… or I guess she could be cheating on him. Annoying. What’s she dating him for? Why can’t he leave the people I know alone? He’ll start banging Panda next! Mind you, Panda would probably like that.
Need to go to Sains and get something for dinner tonight. Panda’s DJing and I’ve managed to convince Ed to go to Lisp’s, so Hannah and I will have the whole house to ourselves.
Hannah’s dad’s dropping her off, so I’ve been able to start drinking and do a bit of tidying in the bedroom. I’m panicking a bit that I should be cooking a new recipe rather than one she’s eaten time and time again with me. Kedgeree’s an old classic though, so fingers crossed it will go down well… and then she will.
Sunday 12th September
I’m still annoyed about Rachel and Rob. She can do better than him… he’s a fucking cheat! But then again, so is she, it turns out.
I feel a bit down, even though I shouldn’t. Had a nice time last night with Hannah. Food was nice. Sex was nice. It all feels a bit weird though. I think I was just hoping that once we were together, it would be like the previous year never happened.
I want her back, I really do. When we were having sex, I was so into it, and afterwards, to have her in my arms, it just felt so right. For some reason though, I can’t leave the bad times in the past where they belong. Images and feelings keep popping into my head.
Hannah’s so pretty. I look at her and I see the girl I fell in love with, but at the same time it’s like I don’t even know her at all anymore. It looks like ‘Gareth and Hannah’ on the outside, but it feels different under the surface.
For so long there was a voice in my head screaming: “Must get her back, must get her back!” but now that I have, I feel confused by the silence.
…I think I hate her.
…What’s worse is I think I like Rachel.
Monday 13th September
Fuck Rachel. Cheating whore. I’ve spent so long trying to get Hannah back that I’m not going to tear it all to pieces before it’s even started… re-started. I’ve got to stop drinking booze when I’m alone, it makes me all depressed and I can’t think straight.
Went round Hannah’s last night. Her dad was cleaning the oven. “Hello Alan!” I said. “Mr. Muscle, loves the jobs you hate,” he replied without even looking up.
Hannah’s mum was watching TV and her brother was out, which meant we could have sex quietly in her room.
I hadn’t been in her bedroom since that one stray-shag just after she’d dumped me. It was like entering a parallel universe where everything’s the same apart from certain details. The room hadn’t been decorated, and the furniture was in the same place, but the television, which used to be an old box one with a built in VCR was now an LCD with DVD. I wonder if Rob had bought it for her?
Pictures and photos she had on the walls and around her desk had changed. I casually (and by casually I mean thoroughly) studied them. There were no pics of Rob, but then there weren’t any of me either. She could have put up some of the old ones of us together… but then would that have been weird?
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be treating this relationship. Is it a fresh start, so if people ask: “How long have you been together?” I say: “8 days,” or do I have to tack on: “But we were together for about four years before that.” Or do I add them together and say: “About 4 and a bit years.” Or do I punch people who ask in the face and scream at the top of my voice: “We’ve had problems alright you fucking cum ball!!!”
She’s been teasing me how I’ve put on weight since we were going out last. She’s been doing it in a nice way, and says I look good with it, but I can’t really believe she means it. She’s right though, if I carry on the way I’m going I’ll no longer be able to call Beth a fat pig without a certain amount of pot-kettle blackness.
During her little jokes about my escalating waist line I managed to refrain from commenting on her expansion problem, because I’m pretty sure her pussy’s a lot looser than it was when I left it. Which can only mean that: (a.) Rob’s hung like a brick wall and stretched it out beyond all recognition. (b.) she’s stepped up a size on the vibrator scale, or (c.), when women get older those bits naturally bag out.
Whenever we have sex, I keep having to snap out of thinking: “Did she prefer it when Rob did this to her?” I’m sure thoughts like that will pass with time. It’s like when you first hear about tonsil stones – to begin with you’re traumatised and can’t stop making it worse by watching videos of them being removed. After a while, though, you’re like, “whatever.” Actually it’s still pretty horrific.
I’m so twisted up about her having been with Rob that I woke up at 4am this morning and had to Google: ‘How long does it take for sperm to die inside the vagina?’ Turns out it’s about 5 days, 7 tops. According to my maths, the last time they could have had sex was the 29th of August (before I split them up that evening). I had sex with her on the evening of the 3rd of September, which is five days after they could have last done it, well, five and a half if they did it in the morning. Since we’ve been back together, we haven’t been using johnnies because she’s still on the pill, which means that she wasn’t with Rob either, which means that during that first rebound shag we shared it’s very likely that I was stirring the tip of my cock around inside his dead jizz. Disgusting! I hope none of their lifeless bodies floated up the hole. Fucking disgusting.
I can’t believe that in between being dumped by Hannah, and then being taken back by her, I’ve only kissed three girls, where as I’ve had two men’s semen either in or on my body. Three if you count mine.
Just googled: ‘What happens to sperm when it dies in the female body?’ It sort of disintegrates, which doesn’t put my mind at ease at all.
Hopefully in a month’s time things will have settled down. I’ll start losing weight, Hannah will tighten up a bit, all of Rob’s cum will definitely have vacated her body and the harrowing images will be a distant memory. The main thing is I’ve got her back – I need to remember that. For once I got what I wanted. Maybe I should just kill us both now before it all goes wrong.
Tuesday 14th September
Simon texted, asking when I wanted to meet up again. I told him I’d let him know. This is the point where I could just not get back to him, and maybe he wouldn’t contact me again and that would be that. I think I’ll give it another go, though. If things can get back to how they were with Hannah, then maybe they can with him.
It’s now known amongst the office lot that I’m back with Hannah. Beth was really excited and has invited Hannah and I round for a double date dinner party, with her and Martyn. I was tempted to say we were busy doing anything else, but instead I told her it was early days and I’d have to leave it for now.
She kept going on and on about how it would just be a casual thing, lots of fun, no pressure, just some friends hanging out and blah blah blah. In the end I told her that I’d do it if Jack could come with a date, to make it a bit more free and easy. She had to go back to her desk pretty soon after that. Yeah that’s right, you better run!
Wednesday 15th September
Jack’s annoyed that I’ve chosen Hannah over him on Friday night. He says ‘bros before hoes’, I say grow up.
Popped round Mum and Dad’s. Used the opportunity to weigh myself – just under 14 stone! I’m so screwed.
Has anyone, when they’re a kid, actually had a midnight feast at midnight? Whenever I thought I might, when camping with friends or at some kind of sleepover, it never happened. You either eat the stuff way before then or, when your alarm goes off for it, the last thing you wanna do is wake up and have a picnic.
Thursday 16th September
Dunno why I suddenly thought about midnight feasts last night, but whatever the reason, it’s given me an idea. I think I need to shake things up with Hannah. She’s never said what it was about me that caused her to want to end it all, other than ‘wanting to be single for a while’, so I need to take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
I think the best plan of action is to be a little more spontaneous. If I’m being honest, I think we’d got into a rut before, it was pretty much every day the same for a long while, and whilst I was happy with that, perhaps she wasn’t. I think I also need to reinstate ‘Confident Gareth’ again. Not to the same degree as before, but certainly be a bit more proactive and decisive. There’s no denying that she was into me when I was playing him.
Ed and Panda are out Friday night, so I’m going to cook for her – a dish I’ve never done before, and then we’re going to camp out in the garden! She won’t be expecting it, and I think that’s the kind of thing that will stop her leaving me. We’ve been camping loads of times and she loves it, so even though it’s not that warm at night, it should be fun. Need to decide what to cook.
Spent most of work online looking for recipes, but have since changed my mind about wowing her with some new, fancy dish. We’re camping, so we should have camping food! Beans, sausages, jacket potatoes wrapped in foil cooked on the embers.
Jack’s managed to convince Martyn to be his wingman on Friday night. I can tell Beth’s not happy, but she can’t say anything. She ate an entire pack of chocolate fingers for lunch. I love chocolate fingers.
Friday 17th September
Hannah’s coming over soon. Got back from work and quickly put the tent up. Luckily it was still in good condition having sat in our loft for ages – I was worried that bugs or something might have got in it.
Cut the lawn first to make it all neat and then dug out all the fairy lights and stuff we’d got in the sales ages ago. Unfortunately the batteries had been left in a lot of them so they’d leaked, but they still worked with fresh ones. My fingers were covered with the stuff, but hopefully they won’t dissolve off as the night progresses.
They’re all on and the camping stove is ready to go. I’ve made it all cosy and romantic in the tent, and even got sleeping bags on the grass so we can lay down and look at the stars. Luckily the sky’s clear at the moment.
Saturday 18th September
Amazing night last night! Hannah was really into the whole idea and seemed genuinely taken aback and moved when she saw all the lights and candles… although most of the candles had blown out.
I opened a bottle of wine and poured us a glass. It wasn’t a cheap bottle of wine but it still tasted like piss to me. I could have had beer, but drinking wine seemed like the thing to do.
I had some music playing and I got her in a sleeping bag on a chair to keep her warm as I prepared dinner. I’d made a little fire earlier on and put the potatoes in the embers to cook. They weren’t quite a write-off, but you certainly had to select the most edible bits.
I asked how her day was, but she kept conversation about her work as general as possible – it only serves as a reminder that she still works at the same place as Rob.
After the food, we lay in our sleeping bags looking at the stars, which was a bit boring to be honest, but she was squeezing my hand and giving me little looks every so often, so I didn’t want to call an end to it – even if by that point I was absolutely gagging to do her.
It turned out I had a wingman last night – or lots of wingmen – slugs, millions of the twats, crawling all over the lawn. Hannah accidentally touched one and screamed, we got up and it was like that scene with the snakes from Raiders of the Lost Ark… only with less Nazis.
We had to get out of the bags and carefully leap from clear spot of grass to clear spot of grass until we were finally in the tent. I was tempted to go and get the salt and burn the hell out of every single one, but Hannah found it funny and before I knew it we were kissing.
It was quite cold in the tent to begin with, so covers was a must, but once we were in the same sleeping bag, the confined spaced meant taking each other’s clothes off proved problematic. In the end we opened both sleeping bags right up and got in between them.
I was hard before she’d even touched me, so she went straight under the covers and sucked me. I could have spunked immediately but managed to last out a couple of minutes before stopping her and returning the favour. She lasted much longer than me and I had to stop when my neck felt like it might actually snap.
We started out in missionary but things soon hotted up and I moved behind her. I couldn’t believe it when she told me to push my finger up her arse! It’s a place I’d visited before but never at her request! She came pretty quickly after that, whilst panting and telling me to “push it in”. I didn’t know if she meant my nob or the finger, so they both got a bit of extra force and very quickly she and I were done.
Possibly one of the best nights of my life.
We did it again in the morning, just spooning because we were both a bit hungover as we couldn’t be bothered to go in the house to get drinks of water after all the wine. I did suggest after the sex that we take swigs from the hose, and for a moment she thought I was serious.
Might leave the tent up – it would be nice to have a repeat performance.
Sunday 19th September
Got an erection thinking about Friday night. Considered taking a pic of it and sending it to Hannah, saying: ‘look what you do to me! Xxx’ but decided against it. Knowing my luck her dad would see it
Just been round the lawn with the salt and doused about thirty slugs. Awful things.
Panda’s in the tent smoking weed.
Monday 20th September
Had lunch with Jack, Beth and Martyn. Martyn kept going on about what a player Jack was and how he got with this girl that was turning other guys away. Martyn was so impressed! It was a pretty awkward lunch actually, for everyone except Martyn.
The lawn looks like it’s been slimed. There’s trails of dead slug-matter where they’ve dissolved all over the grass. Disgusting.
I wonder if Hannah told me to finger her arse because she used to say that to Rob? She’d never really been one to request things before. I could do pretty much anything I liked, but I had to initiate it.
Tuesday 21st September
I wonder if Hannah likes things up her arse? She’s never stopped me doing it, but on the flip side, until Friday night she’d never asked me to do it. She always seemed to enjoy it, but maybe she was just doing it for me, because she knew I liked it. Maybe that’s why she asked me to do it in the tent, because she knew it would get me off and wanted to please me. But then I’m sure it got her off too, because it didn’t take her long to cum after that.
I bet Rob used to do it to her and he had a special knack which she found amazing, and now she’s asking for it and I’m probably not doing it as well as he did. Maybe I could get her to do it to herself and show me how she likes it. That would be great!
Maybe it’s a power thing. Perhaps she’s trying to show that she’s in control of the relationship this time around and we’ll do what she wants… but then I never felt like I was in control before, and if it was a power move by her it wasn’t very effective, because I was the one wielding the finger, whereas she was on all fours with a digit rammed up her butt.
Had an urge for Crackerbread and butter so drove all the way to Sainsburys to get some. Did half the box before going to bed.
Wednesday 22nd September
Simon texted again. I texted him back in the end, told him we should hook up at the end of the month. I guess I’ll have to now.
Booted up the Amiga emulator and spent most of the night playing Lotus Turbo Challenge and SWIV.
Thursday 23rd September
Hannah commented that she hadn’t heard me play the guitar for ages, so I bought new strings at lunch. The ones on there hadn’t been changed for ages, possibly even dating back as far back as the very last gig.
Just been playing for the last hour. I need more practice if I’m going to play anything to her.
Had boiled eggs for dinner. We still haven’t replaced the egg cups Panda broke, so I scooped the insides out onto the toast and had a boiled/poached egg thing going on.
Friday 24th September
Hilary was saying David Wilson’s had another heart attack. Probably brought on by too many tits. Tessa organised a get well soon card and trotted it round the office. What are you supposed to write? In the end I put: ‘Get well soon!’ Inspired! Despite not knowing him, Jack wrote: ‘Sorry about the heart attack!’
Hannah’s seeing her grandad tonight, so I’ve stupidly agreed to go to the pub with the office lot. At least Jack will be there.
Saturday 25th September
So hungover. I haven’t felt this pissed after a night out for a long time.
Just got back from Jack’s. I hadn’t planned on staying at his, but as my vision worsened from the booze I couldn’t face the prospect of crawling back to mine.
His sister wasn’t going to be there so he said I could sleep in her bed, so long as I left no trace. It was a nice bed and even with the room spinning there was something a bit horny about sleeping in it. I guess the smell of a different girl on the sheets and in the air was kind of like I was cheating on Hannah.
Maybe that’s what people should do if they’re tempted to play away – just sleep in a stranger’s bed for a night and get a thrill that way. You could run it as a business set in a hotel. You could call it ‘Faithful Philander’ and have different rooms all set up smelling like different women. You book in, get a key to a room which contains a female’s (or I guess male’s) personal possessions and general smell, and then you just get off on being in there. You could have a wank if you want… a posh wank if you really want to make it authentic! Then afterwards, in your own time, you can book yourself into an STD clinic safe in the knowledge that the AIDs test will come back negative. Pitch that on Dragons’ Den!
Sunday 26th September
Yesterday was a write-off. I even cancelled on Hannah because I felt so awful. Seeing her tonight though.
Despite drinking too much and wishing I was dead, it was actually quite a fun night. It’s funny how Beth’s aversion to Jack continued right up until the point where she’d had 4 pints, and then she was snuffling round him like a pig trying to dig out a truffle. Jack encouraged it of course – he says he’d love another go on it. I shudder to think what they’d get up to if they did.
Monday 27th September
Had a nice time with Hannah last night. Watched TV in the nude under the covers. Started off all cuddly and ended up all penertraterly. No fingers up the arse this time. Wasn’t sure if I was just supposed to do it, or if it’s a thing that she needs to initiate. Maybe next time I’ll just go for it and see what happens – that’s what I’ve done in the past, although I did it far more gingerly back then.
Beth is back to avoiding Jack.
Had an entire box of fish fingers for dinner and nothing else.
Tuesday 28th September
I’m regretting the fish fingers. It’s moments like this that make you think fingers up arses and so on really isn’t a good idea – it’s a mess in there!
Wednesday 29th September
Falling behind on work and don’t have the energy to catch up. I really need a new job. I might buy the Essex Chronicle this week and see what’s out there.
Simon texted asking what day’s good to meet up. He suggested Saturday so I said yes. It’s like meeting up with an ex girlfriend. I’ve done enough of that lately.
Thursday 30th September
Hannah’s out with friends on Friday night so I invited Jack round mine. He used to have an Amiga 1200 so we’re gonna drink vodka and play the emulator.
I should download Jetstrike!! That was such a good game. I always wanted the full version but could never afford it. Now I can have it all!
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