September 2009

Tuesday 1st September

Coke is such an overrated drink.

“Thought you were dead!” Martyn said as I walked in the office. “Did you not get my text?” I asked. He did get it. “Then you knew I was alive?” He looked a bit embarrassed before saying: “Sorry, it’s just what people say.” He then went back to his desk. I felt a bit guilty and emailed him later on asking if he wanted to get some lunch. He was having lunch with Beth but said we could tomorrow.

“Sorry Fi doesn’t like you,” Sally said as she walked past. “That’s fine, I don’t like me either,” I said. She wasn’t sure how to take that and quickly walked on.

She’s got really great tits.

Wednesday 2nd September

Went for lunch with Martyn. I was dreading it, expecting a load of sleazy comments about how much he’s shagging Beth. Surprisingly, he was relatively normal (for Martyn), much more like the old Martyn I used to know, and possibly liked. He has put on a lot of weight. He had a burger and chips for lunch. I had a club sandwich with salad on the side. I think Beth’s a feeder.

He asked if I was upset about Fi. He caught me at a moment of weakness and I told him I was gutted.

Why did I go over and see Hannah? I keep kicking myself. What’s also annoying is that I keep getting angry with Hannah, even though it’s my fault not hers. I didn’t have to talk to her. Idiot. Fi was so pretty.

Might go on holiday with Panda.

You know you’re depressed when even wanking is a chore. I’ve never stopped half way through before to do something else.

Thursday 3rd September

So hot today. Martyn was really suffering; he had great big sweat rings under his arms. So did Beth. The heat did mean that all the girls in the office wore 50% less clothing, which was great… well great when it’s Sally, but when it’s Joyce – that amount of eczema covered flesh puts you off your cereal bar.

James is going out with Sally and her friends again this weekend. He says Fi’s going and that he’ll put in a good word for me. That would fill me with hope if James’ idea of putting in a good word didn’t run along the lines of: “Go on, go out with him, sure he’s a bit of a dick but at least he’s never killed anyone…that we know of,” which is something he actually said in an attempt to hook Martyn up.

Friday 4th September

Woke up at six and couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s half seven now, been staring at the ceiling for an hour and a half thinking about everything. The fact that I’d rather have gone and spoken to Hannah than hang out with Fi obviously means Hannah is more important to me – even if my initial reason for going over was purely to make her jealous. Fi was beautiful, and we got on well, but it would have been pointless being with Fi if things weren’t clear in my head with Hannah.

I love Hannah. I love her so much that to not be with her is killing me. I’m certain she still has feelings for me, but I can’t understand why she’s ended it. If she’d found someone else, I’d understand – I’d fucking hate it and probably kill the pair of them, but at least I’d know there was no chance of me and her.

We were happy right up until the breakup… she’s such a twat.

Maybe I should have asked her to move in with me? Maybe she wasn’t getting enough signs of commitment?

Martyn and Beth were having an argument in the corridor when I came back from lunch. Didn’t hear what it was about, but it seemed that he was cross with her over something.

Been texting Hannah for the last half an hour. Mika’s on Jonathan Ross, so I sent her a message saying: ‘Quick, BBC1 now! Steve’s on TV!’ She came back with: ‘LOL, it’s creepy how alike they look.’ Since then the texts have been flying. Haven’t had any XX’s from her, but the most important thing is that I’ve managed to resist sending some.

She’s got no plans this weekend. She asked what I was up to, so I lied and told her I’d bought a new camera and was going to Hylands Park to try it out. I knew that would get her, she loves photography and she asked if she could come! Fucking yes you can come!!!

Need to buy a camera tomorrow. Picking her up at one.

Saturday 5th September

£550 lighter after a trip to Jessops, but one Canon 500D heavier. Now I’ve got to work out how the fuck to use it before I see Hannah.

Had such a great day! Picked her up at one, her mum opened the door and seemed genuinely pleased to see me. Had a quick drink and a chat to catch up and then Hannah and I headed to Hylands. I kept the conversation really informal and chatty and even put on my CD of music she hates so that it didn’t seem as though the whole day was one big set up to win her over.

She was so excited by the camera, she’s only got a really old SLR and has been dying to get a proper digital – take me back and it can be all yours Hannah (I only thought that, managed to resist saying it).

We parked up and walked to the weird, boarded up old house that stands at the top of the first field. Managed to get some great shots of Hannah looking gorgeous. She was wearing a really cute white skirt that blew in the breeze around her sexy legs and a top with little flowers embroidered on it. With the sun coming from behind she looked like an angel – unfortunately in the photos she looks like a black blob because I had no idea how to compensate for back-light.

We moved on and in the garden bit she had a go of the camera, which is what she was after really – she doesn’t mind having her photo taken (I’ve got those naked shots to prove it!) but she prefers being behind the camera. I was more than happy to be her model for the day, although it didn’t end with her taking naked shots of me, sadly.

It did end, however, with a pub lunch at the Horse and Groom, sat in the beer garden in the sun. I managed to keep my cool and didn’t ask her to take me back, tell her I’d changed, or cry.

Such a good day. I printed out some of the pictures I’d taken and emailed a selection to Hannah. I left off the XX’s, but she replied back with three! I wanted to say: ‘Let’s do it again soon!’ But managed to resist – I think there’s more chance of doing it again soon if she doesn’t think I want to.

Sunday 6th September

Such a hot day today. Panda pulled the old paddling pool out of the shed and filled it up. Fucking freezing! We had to top it up with about fifty kettles before you could put your toe in. Unfortunately he didn’t clean it before filling it, so there was a thick layer of old cobwebs and dead spiders that had to be skimmed off the top. There was also a large amount of dirt, sand, dust, bits and pieces and god knows what else sat on the bottom.

We set the barbecue off and climbed in the pool with a beer each. The novelty quickly wore off when we realised that three fully grown men really couldn’t fit into a very small paddling pool comfortably, unless we wanted to get to know each other in a more intimate way, which none of us want… except possibly Panda.

As we filled ourselves with more beer, overdone sausages, underdone chicken and some wine, we soon made our way back in the pool… who cares if it looks gay!

It was Ed who suggested throwing one of my bootsale bath bombs in, it was my idea to throw them all in. The result wasn’t as exciting as we had all hoped. We sat waiting for an eruption of foaming water, what we got was 30 bath bombs slowly fizzing away around us, turning the water green and filling the air with a scent so pungent that Ed and I leapt from the pool to escape it whilst Panda threw up his guts into the dissolving cocktail. I don’t think the perfume was the only cause (he’d had a large amount of beer and wine), but it certainly pushed him over the edge. We had to drag him to dry land to stop him drowning.

I’d managed to get some good photos throughout the day, although I did just leave the camera settings on auto. If I want to impress Hannah I must learn what all the buttons do. Real men go manual.

Monday 7th September

James spoke to Fi about me – she definitely doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. So that’s a good start to the week.

Been thinking about my plans to win Hannah back and decided that a new job could certainly help things – it would show I want to make something of myself. Decided to stop being so lazy about it and next week go all out finding decent work.

Martyn and Beth had KFC for lunch today.

Panda’s refusing to empty and put away the pool. He says that as he set it up, Ed or I should pack it away. I told him I’m happy to do that, but he has to get rid of the sick first – it’s like an oil slick on the top.

Tuesday 8th September

Martyn and Beth had McDonalds for lunch.

Wednesday 9th September

Actual work was put to one side today as I concentrated on looking at photography websites. Found some helpful YouTube videos that are more interesting than trying to decipher actual words. I’m desperate to text Hannah and ask her when she wants to go on another photography expedition, but it’s imperative that she contacts me first.

Martyn and Beth had McDonalds for lunch.

Thursday 10th September

Not heard anything from Hannah. I bet I’ve spunked over £500 on this camera and she’s already lost interest.

Martyn and Beth had Burger King for lunch. I don’t understand why they always have to bring a doggy-bag of it back to the office – just eat it all when you’re in there… it stinks!

Invited myself to Mum and Dad’s for lunch on Sunday… I’m bored of going hungry at the weekend because I’m too lazy to cook, but too health conscious to have a takeaway every night.

Friday 11th September

James asked me if I’d noticed that Martyn had put on a bit of weight since he started going out with Beth. I admitted that I had and reeled off the list of what they’d had for lunch so far this week. Even as I was telling him, I realised that my detailed knowledge of their eating habits was a bit creepy, and James rightfully backed away, calling me a stalker.

I’m possibly focussing on other people’s problems so that I can avoid my own – still, the first step to recovery is admitting it.

They had KFC today. Beth waddled in with her bag of chicken pops, or whatever they’re called.

No word from Hannah… must not text, must not text.

Still haven’t texted.

Panda better empty the fucking pool tomorrow, the puke’s gone a horrible dark brown colour amongst the green of the water. There’s no way I’m going anywhere near it, Ed feels the same. God knows what we’d catch.

Saturday 12th September

Didn’t hear from Hannah but thought I’d better take the camera out anyway. Ended up just walking round town taking close-ups of anything that caught my eye – broken bits of wall, flowers, shop signs, shadows. As I looked back at them on my computer, I realised I’d never seen such a boring collection of photos. Who wants to see a picture of a man’s shadow next to a cycle path road marking?

Panda and Ed are going out tonight, they asked me if I wanted to come, but I didn’t fancy it.

Sunday 13th September

Woken up at 3am by Ed and Panda ‘creeping’ into the house. They tried their best to keep quiet, but in the end it was the repeated bashing on my bedroom door and Panda screaming: “Wake up you fuck!” and then laughing hysterically that roused me from my slumber. Arseholes. I’ll get them back.

God Dad cooks a great roast. I really need to go round more often. Stayed until about 5 before heading back. Emma and Mark had planned on coming too but couldn’t make it in the end. Mark’s met someone new, called Liz. She sounds like a nightmare. Out of the frying pan and into the fire – nice one Mark.

Monday 14th September

Set my alarm for 3am this morning. Got up, turned Ed and Panda’s bedroom lights on and went back to bed as they both shouted abuse through the wall. Don’t dick with me fellas!

Spilt Lilt over my keyboard at work and now the ‘H’ doesn’t work. Can’t report it because you get a bollocking for stuff like that. It means that now, every time I need an ‘H’, I have to copy and paste it from one that already exists. Who would have thought it was possible for me to halve my productivity?

Tuesday 15th September

I never knew the letter ‘H’ was in so many words. Nightmare… see, there’s one there!… and another two!… they’re everywhere! Argh!… Jesus I’m drunk.

Wednesday 16th September


Got in early and swapped my keyboard with Beth’s. I was rather disappointed when it was replaced without a fuss later in the morning – I was hoping for a bit of a standoff between her and Andrew. Why did she get away with it when Richard was humiliated in front of the whole office after he got avocado in his CD drive that time?… mind you, that was fucking stupid what he did.

Had a text from Hannah. It started off with: ‘Hi Mr Photographer! Taken any good shots lately?’ I’ve chosen to believe it was meant with a very sexy tone. I texted back with: ‘Plenty thanks Got to love the 500D.’ She replied with: ‘Well, if you ever need a model, you know where I am.’ – bingo! My new ‘win her back’ regime is coming along nicely. I even managed to respond to that with: ‘Sure, I’ll let you know,’ instead of a pleading message for her to see me this weekend. Now I’ll just wait until Friday, then text her pretending that Panda was going to model for me but let me down at the last minute and did she want to come along and pose for a few shots? With any luck, we’ll be in bed by that evening.

Thursday 17th September

James sent an email asking Martyn and me out for lunch. After we both said yes, I got a reply just to me, saying: ‘We’ve got to talk to him about his weight.’ That’s the thing about James, despite the cocky bullshit, he does care about other people. I, on the other hand, don’t, and would be delighted to watch Martyn grow and grow until he popped. That’s not to say I don’t like him, or wish him harm. It’s just fun to watch someone’s life spiral out of control – takes your mind off your own meaningless existence. Still, James wanted to intervene and as it’s pretty much guaranteed that I’m seeing Hannah this weekend, I was in a good mood and went along to help.

As Martyn tucked into a bacon burger with cheese, James danced around the thorny issue of his increasing waistline. It must have been after James’ fourth subtle attempt that I stepped in and said: “Martyn, you’ve got fat. Stop eating so much you fucking pork chop.” “All bought and paid for,” he joked, grabbing his gut, but when we headed off, I noticed that he’d left the majority of his chips. He also kept checking himself out in shop windows on the walk back to the office. If I save just one life, then my work on this earth is done.

Friday 18th September

Texted Hannah the lie and she was all over it, like Beth’s over an iced bun. We’re going to Hedingham Castle. It’s not too far to drive, we should get some nice shots, and, more importantly, there’s a really good pub called The Bell where we can have some food. We can laugh in the sun, she can drink, we can drive back to mine to look at the pictures on my computer, we can drink a bit more and then maybe my penis will accidentally fall inside her.

Martyn had salad for lunch. So did Beth, although she did have one of those family-sized pork pies on the side.

Saturday 19th September

Picking Hannah up at eleven. The scattered cloud is really putting a dampener on my imagined blazing hot, romantic day in the sun. So long as the cloud doesn’t put an actual dampener on it, then I guess it’s OK.

I’m knackered. Was up half the night trying to get to grips with the camera. I’m a bit more knowledgeable, but still got loads to learn. I really must try to have a play with it during the week. At the moment I’m only picking it up when I’m seeing Hannah. It’s in danger of becoming a very expensive paperweight.

Time to go.

Well that didn’t go to plan. Not a disaster, but I’m not balls deep in her either. Rain held off and the photos went well. She was wearing a top and jeans with the pink bra that I like underneath. I took pictures of her and she of me. She loves using the camera and even suggested a different lens I should get, so she obviously plans on spending more time with me.

There was a really annoying guy in a wheelchair who kept getting in my way. I think he was doing it on purpose. Cock.

Pub lunch was nice. I’d rate the scampi seven out of ten – big pieces but too few.

I thought I was definitely on when she agreed to come back to mine to look at the pictures. I stood beside her as she sat at my desk, clicking through the images. When she leant forwards, her top fell open at the neck and I could see down into her bra. Looking at her soft nipple was like seeing an old friend after too long apart. I was hoping that it wouldn’t be long before her top and bra were off and the nipple was in my mouth, but, when she got to the last picture, she said she’d better get going, so I drove her home. She did give me a kiss before she got out of the car, but it was one of those rubbish kisses where she basically touched her cheek to mine and kissed the air.

Still… I didn’t embarrass myself, so I can keep working on her. The other plus side is that I had a nice mental picture of an old friend that I used to my advantage as soon as I got home. Take that Hannah!

Panda still hasn’t emptied the pool.

Sunday 20th September

£400 for that lens Hannah suggested I get! You can fuck right off!

Found a second-hand one on eBay for £250, so bought that instead. £400 is stupid money for a lens. I don’t love her that much.

Monday 21st September

Got cornered in the kitchen by Greg. Man that guy is a fucking toolbox. He likes to think he could be Stephen Fry – unfortunately he lacks the wit, charm and intelligence. Regurgitating facts learnt on QI does not make you a genius you complete shitting bell-end.

Tuesday 22nd September

Martyn’s still continuing his effort to eat more healthily, as is Beth for that matter – although she doesn’t look happy about it.

They all want to go out again this Friday. I really can’t be bothered. Beth pointed out that Fiona might be there. I had to point back that Fiona being there is more of a reason to dissuade me.

Maybe I should go. I could invite Hannah! Say I want to get some interesting night shots – long exposures to make the lights do that funky neon-trail thing… a real photographer would have a proper name for it, instead of just ‘that funky neon-trail thing.’ Must get better.

Wednesday 23rd September

I was caught walking behind Beth up the stairs when I got to work this morning. Usually she takes the lift, so I assumed it was broken. Turns out no. She must be taking this losing weight thing seriously.

She’s got such a big arse. Some men like a big arse – Martyn loves reeling out his pathetic little rhymes like: “More cushion for the pushing,” “more rump to pump,” and “more cheek for the week.” I look at her arse and want to throw up. Disgusting… “More arsehole for my pole” – that’s a better one, I should tell it to Martyn, he’ll love using that.

Thursday 24th September

Went to the pub with Ed and Panda. I’m not really one for looking at another guy’s cock when I’m at the urinal, but whilst I was taking a piss I could have sworn the guy next to me was wanking off. Took a sneaky glance out the corner of my eye, and he wasn’t wanking, he was pulling hairs out of his ball-sack! Pissing and plucking. He was pulling them out and flicking them off his fingers into the urinal. Fucking disgusting!… He had a bright-red helmet. What on earth causes a bright-red helmet?

Told Ed and Panda what had happened. For some reason, I came across as the weirdo.

Friday 25th September

That guy with the bright-red helmet might have Balanitis. The downside is it can be really uncomfortable, the plus is that he can use his bell-end as a torch.

Can’t decide if I should go out with the guys tonight or not. Might see Fi, but also might get rejected by her again.

Went out with them in the end as it was only a night in the pub rather than a big bar/club thing.

Martyn was on the JD and diet cokes. Beth was drinking pints. “She’ll drink another pint when I get her home,” Martyn commented with a wink to James and I – either Martyn’s got some beer in the fridge or he’s gonna shoot… I don’t even want to finish that sentence.

Saturday 26th September

If we don’t move that paddling pool soon, it’s gonna kill the grass under it.

No word from Hannah, but I’m being good and not contacting her. Not having her to text and email really makes the week drag on. Must start looking for another job on Monday.

Sunday 27th September

That lens better turn up tomorrow. It’s been a week now.

Still nothing from Hannah. If I had the lens I would have an excuse to text her. I wonder what she’s up to today?

I’m confused as to why Fi didn’t come out on Friday. Sally was pretty sure that she would, and even warned me to leave her alone. If she didn’t come out just because of me then that’s mental, it’s not like we’d been going out for years and I cheated on her… we’d just met that night and had a few kisses. Maybe she’s a psycho, one of those clingy types – maybe I’ve avoided having another Kathryn in my life?! No way I’m going through that again, nutjob-freak. I wonder where Kat is now? Prison… mental institution… dead… I’d be happy with any of those.

I don’t think I’ll worry about Fi anymore. Besides, I’ll be back with Hannah if all goes to plan. Which it probably won’t, but I’m really going to try. I love her to much not to try.

Monday 28th September

Martyn had a pack of fruit for breakfast. Beth had a Cadburys Flyte – she’s kind of getting the diet idea, it is a lower calorie chocolate.

I’m so tired. Should have gone to bed early rather than stay up with Ed playing board games. There’s a twisted irony in that we were playing the Game of Life and I lost.

No lens. I emailed the seller.

Tuesday 29th September

Got an email back from the seller. A load of moaning old bullshit about how her kid was ill so she hasn’t been able to post it. Says she will today.

What makes it even more annoying is that Hannah texted asking if she could borrow the camera for work tomorrow night, which is fine, but it would have been more impressive if I’d got a bit more kit together – show her that I’m taking this whole photography thing seriously.

Wednesday 30th September

Beth actually ate healthily today. Didn’t see her stuff anything bad into her fat gob… unless she did it out of sight.

Hannah’s coming over shortly to pick up the camera. I need an excuse to get her up to my room, so took a long exposure shot of myself making a sandwich in the kitchen. Looked quite good, kind of like a ghost making a snack. Anyway, I’ve put it on my PC and hopefully she’ll come up to see it. I tidied my room – well, stuffed stuff into cupboards and drawers.

She came upstairs and seemed genuinely impressed by the photo. Nothing else happened after that though, she just took the camera and left. Nice to see her though. She’s had a hair cut. Nothing drastic, just a bit shorter. She has such soft hair. I miss its smell.


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  1. Gareth's Club Sandwich says:

    2nd of Sept – I’ve had that problem before HAHAHAHAHA. I love this site, but you need to update it more often – can’t you give us a new day everyday?

  2. Sally's Great Tits says:

    I’m obsessed with this website. More more more!!

  3. Panda's puddle of pool sick says:

    Keep up the good work mate some of these entries are hilarious! I can see this site catching on big time- you may have to disconnect the internet at your place to stop Gareth clocking on!!

  4. Gareth's Expensive Camera says:

    Love the entries so far – I feel so bad for Gareth though, if only he would move on!!

  5. Beth's Chicken Pops says:

    Gareth!!!!! Stop chasing that cow you used to date!!!!

  6. beth's pork pie says:

    Totally addicted. Twenty four years at the tap end nothing on this!

  7. Martyn's Bacon Burger says:

    Nice to see Gareth feeling a bit positive about things for a change!

  8. Hannah's soft nipple says:

    Brilliant. More regular updates please!!!

  9. Gareth's Dad's Great Roast says:

    Loving this, don’t care if it’s real or not. Genius either way.

  10. Gareth's £400 Lense says:

    Whenever I want to laugh I read this site, its brill, I too don’t care if its real or not, its brill. Love 24 years at the tap end, but this is a whole few levels higher! Thanks

  11. mike says:

    This is such an easy read, love it.

  12. Bclarke says:

    Brilliant concept. Poor Gareth tho! He’s def my favourite. Drawing on page three girls is brilliant!! Can’t wait to read more

  13. Old Guy in the Wheelchair at the Park says:

    Nearly $1500 US in cameras for his ex. How depressing. I hope Beth loses a ton of weight and becomes the hottest girl in the office.

    1. angie says:

      HAHAHAHAHA thats what i keep thinking about Beth. I kind of feel bad for them ALL actually.

  14. Martyn's Stolen Suit says:

    I’ve just been told about this site and I am 100% invested into it. Ed, thank you so much!

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