Friday 1st October
Beth has a new bra. I know because Martyn told me. Even if he hadn’t told me I would have known though, because her tits were so wedged up she could have used them as a table.
You could tell she wanted the attention they brought. I refused to give her the satisfaction.
Jack told me she’s got massive nipples. I didn’t want to know that fact and now I keep picturing them. I swear he does it to wind me up.
Saturday 2nd October
Jack’s just left. He was pissing me off last night by constantly belittling the Amiga 500 I used to have when he had a 1200. It was a funny comment to begin with, but for some reason he kept bringing it up. I dunno if he was in a bad mood or something, but whatever it was, he felt the need to take it out on me.
Oh shit, I forgot I’ve got to meet Simon. He just texted checking we were still on. He said he’d like to get some lunch too, so we’re going to The Bay Horse. It was supposed to be just a quick drink, how comes I’ve now got to eat with the fucker?
Had a nice time! I was in a bad mood when I turned up, probably because Jack had been a prick. If I’m honest I arrived looking for a fight and was hoping he’d be a cock too, so I could finally say all the things I wanted to, and possibly twat him for good measure. There was no mention of it though, he was funny and friendly and didn’t do his thing of acting weird to get a rise out of me. Perhaps things can get back to normal – it worked with Hannah… well, a sort of normal, at least.
How is Pope and Smith still in business? Surely it’s exactly the kind of shop that would have been run out of town by bigger chains? I don’t think I’ve been in there since I needed a mouth-guard for school rugby in 1991.
The Imperial Chinese Buffet, that’s another one. I used to go all the time a few years back, how is it still going? I wonder if that waiter who looks like a mole is still there.
Hannah’s coming round in a bit. I’ve been thinking about taking her away somewhere, but don’t know if I should just book somewhere as a nice surprise, or ask her first. I should probably ask her first.
Sunday 3rd October
Just stabbed myself in the cock. Hannah brought round a needle and thread so that I could sew up the pocket on my dressing gown which has been ripped for what must be about two years. I was doing it on my lap and pushed it through the material. Unfortunately I pushed it a bit hard and the point poked me in the nob. It didn’t draw blood, but it was a stark reminder of just what a delicate thing the penis is.
Didn’t ask Hannah about going away. I think I’ll get some suggestions together first.
Monday 4th October
I half expected Jack to still go on about the fucking Amigas today. Luckily he seems to have cheered up.
Beth’s still parading round with her tits strapped up. Dopey bag.
Tuesday 5th October
Still not decided about the holiday. I could always suggest going to Center Parcs with Hannah, we both love it there. I could book us a chalet instead of a hotel room, that will impress her! She’s coming round tomorrow for the night, so I’ll see if she fancies it.
Wednesday 6th October
Ended up getting drunk last night and texted Rachel. Hannah wasn’t answering texts due to some family thing and as I hadn’t heard from Rach since the big bang, I decided to get my fix of female interaction with her. She didn’t reply either. I wonder if she’s still with Rob?
Waiting for Hannah to arrive. I jokingly told her, in an ‘I’m not joking’ kind of way, to wear something really sexy. I hope she does.
Thursday 7th October
Things didn’t look promising when Hannah arrived in her regular clothes last night. I had visions of her in a long coat with only some very skimpy underwear on underneath – not in old jeans and a thick jumper.
Luckily my fortune changed when we went to bed. Normally we just get undressed in my room, but this time she went to the loo clutching her bag.
She returned in her dressing gown but, as soon as the door was closed, that fell to the floor revealing her in a pair of tiny pink knickers and a pink bra/nightie-top thing that came down to just below her arse. Not sure what you’d call it. It was like a nightie, but more transparent and split down the front so it could be flapped open revealing her stomach. Whatever its name is, she looked fucking sexy! She looked so hot that after all the foreplay I didn’t even take any of it off, just pulled the pants to one side.
I wonder if it was new or she’d had it for a while?
The other great thing is she’s up for Center Parcs! We’re going to go from Monday ‘til Friday. She’s going to let me know what dates are best. Very exciting – I haven’t been down the rapids for ages.
Rachel texted back. She apologised for not getting in touch sooner and suggested we meet up for a drink to catch up. I know that seeing her is a bad idea, but I suggested this Saturday lunchtime anyway. We’re going to meet at The Riverside – it’s not a pub I can see me accidentally bumping into Hannah, plus Hannah’s got to visit her grandad in hospital anyway, so I think I’m safe.
Friday 8th October
Just seen Lispy in her underwear! I’ve never really had a handle on what her body was like because she never really wears particularly tight or revealing clothes. I’ve got a handle on it now though! Very nice!
It’s Ed’s fault I saw her. Firstly, he didn’t tell me she was round, so I didn’t know she was in his room. Secondly, after asking yesterday if he could have one of my beers in the fridge, I saw today that he’d drunk them all, so I stormed upstairs to confront him and burst through the door.
I quickly apologised and left the room when she screamed, but by that point the image of her standing there in her mismatched bra and knickers was burnt into my retinas. Hannah’s definitely sexier, but no doubt I’ll end up masturbating over the sight when I’m drunk and alone tonight.
Saturday 9th October
Ed bought me some replacement beers and apologised for drinking them all. He actually gave me eight when he only drank six. In return, I apologised for walking in on Lispy. I didn’t mean it because, to be honest, I was glad it happened and if I can manufacture some way for it to happen again then I will. I wonder if I can ‘accidentally’ surprise her in the shower? Or I could just hide a camera in there.
Sunday 10th October
I swear I’m not drinking again. Not that much anyway. Ended up ejecting my guts into the toilet about six times before lying on the floor with a bad case of cold shakes.
It was Rachel’s fault. Met her at The Riverside and obviously she looked great, and obviously she’s still with Rob and obviously I fancy the tits off of her and obviously she’s really happy and obviously that highlighted my concerns about my feelings for Hannah but obviously I had to pretend I was really happy and obviously that made me feel worse and now I wish I was dead.
She seemed really nervous when she told me she was seeing Rob. I don’t know what she thought I would think, or what reaction she was hoping for. I didn’t tell her I knew already, having seen them out. I just smiled and acted like it was a good thing, joking that she was going beyond the call of duty to make sure he was distracted from trying to win Hannah back.
I was so miserable when we parted company that I went back inside the pub and had another couple of pints. Jack texted and when I told him where I was he came to join me. I was so pissed by that point that I ended up telling him about the whole thing, including my latest feelings for Rachel. Luckily Jack didn’t bat an eyelid at the madness of it all; in fact he seemed rather impressed. I can imagine others would think I was some kind of nutcase going to those lengths to get Hannah back. Jack just laughed and said: “The muff is always sweeter on the other side of the flaps.” He’s right of course, even if the way he phrased it doesn’t particularly make sense.
Rach’s face is so cute, and she’s got such a fuckable arse.
Apparently Rob and the others keep wondering why I don’t go to The Ship anymore.
Monday 11th October
Wish I had a picture of Rachel. It’s stupid that I never took any. If my frigging camera hadn’t been nicked I’d have taken some. The barbecue would have been a perfect opportunity.
Tried searching for her Facebook page but couldn’t find it. Even if I did find it, you probably need an account to look at her pictures – there’s no way I’m signing up to it, I don’t care how pretty she is.
Trying to convince Hannah to come over for a cuddle.
Tuesday 12th October
Had the theme tune to T-Bag stuck in my head all day. I really hated the kid that was in it… something about his blonde hair and green clothes that really rubbed me up the wrong way. Twat.
Wednesday 13th October
Haven’t booked Center Parcs yet. I’m thinking maybe in January. Christmas is nice in itself because of all the presents, so we don’t need any treats on top of that. January, on the other hand, is a miserable time so any help we can get in not slitting our throats will be very much appreciated, I think.
Simon’s texted me three times in the last two days and I haven’t got back to him. I’ll text him later.
Ed’s been playing all our old shit.
Thursday 14th October
Even though we text a lot, I miss Hannah when I don’t see her. I think everything’s OK.
I do think about Rachel a lot though. Last night whilst I was falling asleep I was thinking about having sex with her, but then there’s a lot of people I think about having sex with lately, so I’m sure it’s not a big problem. Hannah’s the only one I want to date, and that’s what matters.
Friday 15th October
Martyn and Beth are having a Halloween party. They’re having it in the house Beth shares with someone – no idea who that someone is. I’m invited with Hannah. Sally and James are invited. Jack’s invited – due to Martyn I’m guessing, because I’m positive Beth won’t want him there – especially as that’s where they had sex. I really don’t want to go. I’ll just say I’ve got plans.
Changed my mind… I need to appear to be the socialite I led Hannah to believe I was during all those pub dates with ‘Confident Gareth’. I don’t want her to get bored and leave me again. I’ll ask if she wants to go… no, Confident Gareth would tell her she’s going… actually that’s too confident, he’d actually just say he’s going and say she’s welcome to come. I’ll do that.
Hannah will be over shortly. I’m going to try putting my finger up her bum without her asking. See what happens.
Saturday 16th October
Well that didn’t go down well.
Sunday 17th October
So hungover. I need to stop drinking, or at least limit it to not drinking on my own.
Hannah came over Friday night. She wasn’t miserable, but something wasn’t right. I asked if everything was OK and she said it was. It’s good that she feels comfortable enough to open up to her boyfriend.
Ed and Panda were watching Due South in the living room, so when she arrived we poured some wine (yuck) and went and said hello. It’s hard to walk out during Due South, so we sat there for a whole episode. It just goes to show how things have changed. Back in the day I would have been desperate to get her up to my room, but now I was more interested in how Ray and Fraser were going to get out of the vault, despite knowing exactly how they were going to get out of the vault.
When we finally did get up to my room, we both undressed ourselves and got into bed. There was a bit of touching each other up, but it wasn’t long before she was guiding me into her.
It’s probably my own fault that she got annoyed. Without much foreplay, I knew trying to touch her arse was a mistake, but I was so worked up about it possibly being a thing she enjoyed with Rob that I ended up just going for it. She only needed to say “leave it alone” once – after that I stayed well clear, and went through the motions until she said “I can’t do one, just do yours.” After that I had the most miserable of climaxes, passed her some tissues and then we went to sleep… it’s no wonder that on Saturday I started drinking straight after she left at 11am – luckily Panda joined me, so I didn’t feel like a complete scumbag.
Other than getting through about eight episodes of Due South and a shed-load of vodka, Saturday was a write-off. Today wasn’t much better – with a massive hangover, all I managed to do was stagger to the shop and buy some Red Bull. I’d hoped it would blast the booze from my system, but I think the sugar just made me hung-over and wired at the same time. I should switch to sugar-free.
Monday 18th October
I’ve found a new way to sleep. 30 years old and I’ve developed a new technique. I don’t know if that’s brilliant or tragic. I had cold feet last night so ended up flapping the bottom corner of the duvet under my feet, creating a duvet sandwich, with my feet as the filling. It was heaven!
Tuesday 19th October
Did another foot-shelf last night – it’s currently my favourite thing to do in bed, and that includes having sex with Hannah.
For the last two days Martyn has been stuffing himself with pineapple chunks. I guess it’s going to be a big weekend for him.
I told Beth that Hannah and I would be coming to her Halloween party. I know I’m going to regret it, but Hannah has to keep believing I’m not the boring loser I always was.
Wednesday 20th October
Decided that to appear more spontaneous to Hannah, I need to be more spontaneous – so I mixed some Rice Krispies in with a yoghurt. I thought it would either be a nice crunchy yoghurty treat, or taste like puss-filled maggots popping in my mouth. Luckily it was a success, which just goes to show that being reckless is sometimes worthwhile.
Thursday 21st October
I hate my job. I need to leave but I worry that I’d hate something else more. I know what I’m doing where I am, as I’ve been doing it so long, and I know all the people there and how to deal with them. I’m not sure I have the nerve to start again. The thought actually terrifies me.
Been texting Hannah. She asked if I wanted to come round as her folks were out. I’ve been drinking so had to turn her down. I tried to get her to send me a naughty picture, but she just laughed it off.
Simon just texted. It goes to show how drunk and pissed off I am that I responded straight away. We’re going for a pint on Friday night. I was going to check with Hannah that it was OK, but then I thought screw it!
Friday 22nd October
I’ve been trying to ignore it, but there’s no getting away from the fact that very few of my shirts fit me anymore. A lot of them look OK when I’m standing up, but when I sit down they do that ‘fat man-shirt spreading between each of the buttons’ thing. It looks like a line of splayed, material vaginas gaping open down the length of my chest.
Oh balls… meeting up with Simon tonight.
Saturday 23rd October
Another perfectly solid get together with Simon. At this rate we may get back to best friend status, although I think I’ll always be a little wary. I said he should come round sometime and that I’d text him in the week.
Sunday lunch at Hannah’s tomorrow with her family. I wonder what it’s like for her mum and dad – they have to sit and have a meal with me knowing that when they’re not around, I’m sticking myself in their daughter. I doubt they’re deluded enough to think she’s a virgin. It must be weird being a parent… horrible in fact.
Sunday 24th October
Got to Hannah’s and her dad was vacuuming her mum’s car. “You can do mine next if you want!” I called over the noise of the hoover. He laughed as he always does when I make that joke. Someone should shoot me. I’ve become a cliché of myself.
Hannah was in her room so her mum let me in. I wanted to head straight up there, but that would have been rude, so I went into the kitchen and talked to her mum about stuff I had very little interest in. It’s harder to do than it used to be. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older and more jaded, or that I’m just out of practise.
She offered me a glass of wine or a beer. A glass of wine seemed the more sophisticated thing to have, but I really couldn’t be bothered to fake enjoying it, so I went for the beer. She presented me with a can of Tescos 2% Everyday Value lager. Mmmm, delicious. I know I’m driving, but that’s just a slap in the face!
After about five minutes of idle chit chat, Hannah called me upstairs. I downed what remained of my drink as I headed up, hoping that speed would increase the impact of the miserable 2% of alcohol floating around inside it. As I passed the door of her brother’s room, I could see him inside, swigging away on a can of the useless booze. We nodded acknowledgement of each other and left it at that.
Hannah was in her room listening to the radio and putting flowery hair clips in. She gave me a big squeeze then went straight for a full-on kiss. As she took me by the wrist, pulled her trousers open at the waist and pushed my hand inside, I opened my eyes and spotted what remained of a large glass of red wine. It was certainly one of the warmest welcomes I’ve had in a while, and definitely the wettest. I doubt she would have been so keen on the 2% larger.
We broke off when her mum called us for lunch. I had a huge hard-on by that point but nothing could be done about it. Her brother was in the bathroom as we headed down, so I was forced to sit through the whole meal with my fingers covered in Hannah. I wiped them on my trousers to dry them off a bit and finished the job using my napkin – right in front of her dad who was sat opposite me. Despite the wiping, there was definitely residual residue covering them as I tucked into the roast chicken.
I wonder if Hannah’s got a problem with alcohol? Maybe that’s why she’s been so up for it and had very few inhibitions. It was a large glass of wine she’d had when I arrived, and that might not have been the first. I’m trying to remember how often she’s been drunk around me. We do usually end up drinking. I’ll have to keep an eye on it… although I do like this hornier Hannah. If I got her really drunk she might blow me in the car.
Maybe that’s why they’ve switched to low alcohol lager?! Although she was drinking wine so that wouldn’t make sense.
I left in the early evening after a quick and very quiet shag as Hannah bent over her desk. I just know her dad’s going to walk in one of these days. We need to buy our own place, or her family need to die and me move in there.
Monday 25th October
Had an email from Dad: ‘Just taken delivery of a half ton of pea shingle.’ That’s all it said.
Tuesday 26th October
Beth’s going on and on about her Halloween party. She keeps remarking how it’s so great that Halloween is on a weekend because people don’t have to rush about after work to get ready. She seemed so pleased with herself that you’d think she’d organised the whole frigging calendar. I decided to piss all over her parade and commented that really they should have had the party on the Saturday night, as people wouldn’t have had to go to work the next day with hangovers – which is actually a very good point. Her response was that “it’s not Halloween on Saturday, so why would we do it on Saturday, when we can do it on the actual day?!” I pointed out that if they did it on the Saturday, then after midnight it would technically be Halloween and they would be doing it on the right day, and people would also have the Sunday to recover. “But it’s not Halloween night then!” She said. “You’re right. The real ghosts won’t come out if you’re doing it 24 hours early,” I said as I walked away, leaving the wind in her sails well and truly spunked over. In your face, fat cow.
Wednesday 27th October
I can’t decide what to go as to the stupid party. I could dig out my old Planet of the Apes costume and do that again, but with that nose and mouth piece on, drinking’s a nightmare. Hannah’s going as thingy from Black Swan – not the most exciting costume, but she’ll look pretty sexy. As I couldn’t decide, she suggested hiring something. Does she not know me at all anymore?! She knows, or certainly use to, that I think hired costumes are for uncreative morons. There should be a rule that all costumes have to be put together by the person wearing it, not bought from a shop or over the internet. Anyone can go on Amazon and buy a rubber Freddy Krueger mask. If you want to go as him, take the effort to buy some make up and do the face yourself. If you don’t have the skills, then just smack your head on a hot hob a few times.
Thursday 28th October
I’m really not looking forward to the work colleagues mixing with Hannah. I know I didn’t choose them, but I still can’t help thinking they reflect badly on me. Jack’s OK, but I’m a little worried because he knows about the whole Rob thing. I know he won’t mention it, but it’s still annoying. Shouldn’t have told him really. ‘Don’t let anyone in,’ that’s the rule, and I should stick to it. Curse you alcohol!
Ed and Lispy are having a big row, so at least that’s cheered me up. I wonder if she keeps any of her underwear in his room. She stays over quite often so I wouldn’t be surprised if she kept bits and pieces here. I’d be interested to see it.
Friday 29th October
Got stuck in the kitchen with Beth. I asked what she was going as on Sunday. She wouldn’t tell me. I’ve been trying to work it out based on what films have come out recently – the girl’s so predictable that I’m sure she won’t have an idea that stretches any further than something that’s been on at the cinema in the last few months. On that note, part of me is praying she and Martyn will recreate The Human Centipede as their costume. The other part of me thinks the sight would force me to burn out my own eyes.
Hannah suggested I go as a zombie. What is wrong with her? A zombie’s too route one. It’s fancy dress for people with no imagination – wear some old clothes, whack a load of fake blood over yourself and walk like you’ve had a stroke. Easy. Pathetic. The only way to do it properly is to have some really good make-up effects – proper Tom Savini stuff. My make-up bits and pieces are all dried up and old and I don’t really fancy buying new stuff for one sodding party. Another acceptable Zombie option is Bub, but again, the make-up would need to be right. Also, I don’t have any clothes that match and I don’t fancy tearing my hair out trying to find the right stuff.
Saturday 30th October
I really need to decide what I’m going as. I could go as the Terminator – the only draw back is I’d need to borrow a leather jacket and buy some latex to do some facial battle damage with. I could be a terminator without endoskeleton showing, but then I’d just be a guy in a leather jacket – I’d probably look like someone from The Blue Oyster bar on Police Academy. I could use Copydex instead of latex I guess, but I’d still have to go out and buy Copydex.
I really can’t be bothered to go. Maybe I should go as Proctor from Police Academy. Just wear dark blue trousers and shirt and make a police badge with tin foil. I’m not sure anyone would guess it, but perhaps that’s reason to do it: “Who are you meant to be?” “I’m Proctor.” “Oh.” And then they walk off.
Fuck it. It’s nearly midnight. I’ll go as a Planet of the Apes monkey. I’ve got the costume already and I know it looks good. I just need to take a straw to drink through.
Thank fuck for that.
Sunday 31st October
You haven’t witnessed true horror until you’ve seen Beth dressed as TinkerBell. It’s ironic that the largest person in the office… and possibly the county, chose to dress up as one of the smallest literary characters ever created. Apparently she wanted Martyn to go as Peter Pan. Instead he went as one of the blue things from Avatar. He looked like a Smurf that had let itself go.
There were terrifying glimpses of Beth’s arse bundled into a pair of yellow knickers everytime she bent over – which was often as she was ‘accidentally’ exhibiting herself at every opportunity. It’s as if she purposefully chose an outfit which, if she pulled it down to cover her arse it exposed more of her tits, but if she pulled it up to hide the breasts, everyone got a glimpse of her butt cheeks and camel toe.
I just know I’m going to have nightmares tonight.
…and a hangover tomorrow. Hannah’s in the shower trying to get the white face paint off. If she comes back expecting to get laid I’m not sure I’ll be able to get it up.
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