October 2009

Thursday 1st October

Overheard the tail-end of a pep-talk Martyn was giving Beth in the kitchen about how they can get through the dieting together, they just need to be good. Quite sweet really, and Beth seems to be trying hard. Didn’t spot anything bad pass her lips today.

No lens!!! No word from Hannah either.

Rubbish day.

Friday 2nd October

No lens! Emailed the seller again.

Hannah dropped the camera back round. She came in for a drink but didn’t stay long. She asked what I was doing this weekend, so I lied and said I was going to the seaside to take some pictures. She didn’t bite at that and left shortly after. Looks like I won’t be going to the seaside to take some pictures after all.

Panda’s adamantly refusing to empty the pool, as are Ed and I. Maybe we could pay someone to do it, but then which of us would pay for it?… Panda should really, as it’s his sick.

Saturday 3rd October

No lens, no email.

Went into town and saw Fi. She didn’t see me though, I kept well away. I was hoping that the booze of that night had made her more attractive than she was. Sadly she’s as hot as I remember. Damn.

Sunday 4th October

Panda had sex on the sofa again. He denied it but the pair of his boxers on the arm, along with a pair of her knickers were the giveaway. His room is not that far from the front door – unless the girl is in a wheelchair, get her upstairs you freak. I have to sit there!

I assumed the girl was in his room, but it turned out she didn’t stay the night – what kind of rush was she in that she didn’t have time to put a pair of pants on!? Panda’s into some weird shit, maybe she ran off halfway through, appalled. “One for the memento box,” he said, putting them to his nose and sniffing deeply to deliberately repulse me. Disgusting boy… he’ll do that but won’t tip a bit of sick out of a paddling pool.

No email from the seller. I knew I shouldn’t have bought from someone with a feedback rating of 4. If they screw me over, they’re dead.

Monday 5th October

Sally’s mate, Jane, is going on holiday with another mate, called Esther, but Jane really wants to go with Helen but can’t because Helen’s going on holiday with her boyfriend, Dan. Sally’s annoyed that Jane didn’t ask Sally to go with her, and she’d be even more annoyed if she actually wanted to go on holiday with Jane, but luckily she doesn’t because she’s going with James. Jane doesn’t wax her legs so you can always see stubble on them when you’re on the beach. Besides, Esther’s welcome to her and even though Sally went on holiday with her last year, she wouldn’t again…

…That was Sally’s response to “how are you?” when I walked in kitchen this morning. When she’d finished, I left without saying another word. That girl is an imbecile.

Email from the seller – her kid took a turn for the worse and has been in hospital. BULLSHIT!

Filed a complaint against them. Just want my money back now.

Tues 6th October

Another email from the seller, this time asking why I filed the complaint. Why do you think, dipshit? She says she will post the lens to me today and sorry for the delay.

Wednesday 7th October

No lens. By the time it got to lunch, I was so annoyed that I bought a snickers and left it on Beth’s desk when no one was looking. She had a broken look on her face when she found it. She didn’t eat it, but did slip it into her drawer. I’ll have to keep an eye on it to see if it disappears.

Martyn’s doing well with his diet – you can always tell when a person is, because they look miserable.

Thursday 8th October

No lens. If it doesn’t come by tomorrow, I’m going to go round and kick their fucking front door in!

The Snickers is still in Beth’s drawer. Maybe I need to offer her something more tasty… some chicken nuggets in her pencil pot?

Friday 9th October

Lens arrived. It’s the right make and model but it’s fucking filthy! There’s bits of dirt stuck in all the nooks and crannies on the outside, and the actual arse-cocking glass itself seems to have some very small scratches running along it! Not exactly ‘like new’ as that bitch described it! I emailed her and complained to eBay. Absolute bastard arseholes… bastholes.

Saturday 10th October

No email from the seller. Pissing shits. I’m an idiot as well because I paid by bank transfer… I never pay by bank transfer. Apparently they were having trouble linking their Paypal account to their bank as it was already linked to another Paypal account at that address and they could only accept bank transfers. FUCKS! Now I don’t have any Paypal cover to get my money back and eBay won’t be able to help other than let me give them no stars and a feedback sentence slagging them off. I’ll try the bank but there will be bollocks-all they can do too. Fuck fuck fuck.

I’m so annoyed… Hannah texted in the morning and I didn’t even look at it until just now (4:50pm). She’s the reason I bought the stupid thing. She wanted to know if I was still going to the seaside today as she’d like to tag along. Fucking brilliant – too late now! Yet again the world slaps a steaming turd onto the mess that is my life. I told her that I’m going tomorrow instead but apparently she’s busy then so won’t be able to come along. The annoyances of the day made me forget my ‘play it cool’ attitude with her and I asked if she wanted to go get a meal this evening (she can’t), go to a bar (she can’t) or just grab a quick 10 minute catch up down the pub (she can’t).

I need to punch something but Ed is out.

Sunday 11th October

No email from the seller. I emailed again. I’ve so been conned. The lens is an absolute joke. I’m usually so wary of these things as well. Why did I pay by bank transfer? It’s because I was desperate to impress Hannah, that’s why. I’m a complete prick.

Email from the seller. Apparently it was sold ‘as seen’ and if I have a problem with its condition then I shouldn’t have bid on it. She and her husband, who is in the armed forces (she made sure she pointed that out), absolutely won’t refund my money. CUNTS! ‘Sold as seen’?! The only thing I saw of it were some photos they took and it didn’t look anything like that. They probably just found some pictures on the internet. She even slipped in that her child is very sick… that doesn’t give you permission to rip me off!

I’m gonna kill them. I know her name and that she lives in Brighton, but not their full address. I’ll find them even if it means I have to knock on every single door.

So angry…

Our back garden still has the pool of sick art installation sitting in it, maybe we could charge people an entrance fee. It’s better than the usual bollocks people pass off as art.

Monday 12th October

Spoke to the bank, the upshot is there’s nothing they can do. I was told very nicely, but could tell they thought I was an idiot for paying via bank transfer for eBay goods.

Busy day at work today so I was only able to do a small amount of Googling, it was enough to give me hope though… Apparently anyone can look at the electoral register. I just need to work out if I’m allowed to look at Brighton’s, even though I don’t live there, and, if I am allowed, how I go about doing it – that way I can get her address… Ha!

Beth still hasn’t eaten that Snickers.

Tuesday 13th October

Copies of the Brighton electoral register are held in Brighton Town Hall and the central libraries. I know what I’m doing this weekend… (going to Brighton).

There’s some websites that say you can search the register through them online. They’ve got loads of bad reviews though and people saying it costs loads. A day trip to Brighton seems like a nice jaunt anyway. Maybe Hannah could come?

Wednesday 14th October

The week’s dragging on as I wait to take my revenge, in some form or another – it’s a different fantasy each time. Ideally, I’d like to drive a car through their front window as they’re watching TV, get out, hand them the lens and take my £250 from her purse as they sit there in shock. Sadly I don’t live in a film.

Thursday 15th October

Not sure when’s best to ask Hannah if she fancies a day trip to Brighton. Don’t want to do it too early, as it needs to seem like an afterthought, but don’t want to leave it too late or she’ll be busy. Maybe Friday morning is best.

Loving Frosties right now. Two dinners running I’ve had them. The milk has to be ice cold though. I even put it in the freezer for twenty minutes before I eat to make sure it’s at the optimum temperature. Tony the Tiger has to be gay – I can’t imagine many straight tigers wearing a neckerchief.

Friday 16th October

Hannah would love to come to Brighton, but she can’t. Didn’t give a reason as to why not, but I read between the lines and think I was a bit too needy the other day when I kept asking her to see me. Ed and Panda might come – they both love a bit of Brighton, especially Panda.

That Snickers bar is still in Beth’s drawer! I decided that there must be something I could do to break her – not in a horrible way, just in a scientific way. I bought a tub of mini flapjacks from Marks and Spencers and left them in the kitchen. I watched her closely as I fired off the email inviting people to tuck in. She read it and, whilst people around her cooed at the generosity and headed off to grab one, she remained resolute at the computer. I felt strangely proud of her.

Saturday 17th October

Absolute waste of time that was! Got to Brighton library at about 11:30 after parking in my favourite car park and working my way down through the lanes. The lady at reception said I had to speak to the guy at the enquiries desk on the top floor. I was a bit nervous asking to see it, expecting him to be suspicious of my motivations (and quite rightly too), but he handed it over no problem – a big, bound book. I wasn’t allowed to take it away from the desk, which felt awkward, but he explained that it was to make sure no one makes copies or takes photos. I was, however, allowed to make handwritten notes. As he explained how it worked, my heart sank. Sure it lists everyone, but you can’t just look up a name and see what their address is – it’s organised by street. If I had an address, I could find out who lived there, but not the other way round. Arse.

I had a flick through for about fifteen minutes, hoping I’d come across her name. It quickly became obvious that I hadn’t a hope in hell, so I thanked the guy and gave it back. Not sure what I can do now to trace those eBastards.

Despite feeling disappointed, I had a walk round Brighton. I had asked Ed and Panda if they wanted to come – Ed already had plans though and Panda was hoping a better offer would come up. Fair enough.

I always worry when I’m in Brighton that people will look at me and think: “There’s another stereotypical young person, coming to Brighton to show how cool and individual he is,” because that’s what I think when I see most of the people that swarm round every corner, constantly getting in the way. If Brighton wasn’t such a nice place, I’d gladly hate it and all who go there.

Went in the gun shop. Nice selection of Co2 airsoft guns. Maybe that’s what I should do when I trace the lens sellers – bust into their front room and shove a gun in their faces. Maybe I won’t, if the husband really is in the armed forces, he’s probably got an M16 hidden under the sofa.

Got some doughnuts from the pier. It’s incredibly satisfying watching the batter plop into the oil and then sizzle as the conveyor belt moves them along, flips them over and then takes them up a little ramp into the collection tin. I wonder if I could get one of those for at home? I tell you who would like one – Beth! She could have it on her desk.

Went round the arcades and got fifty pence worth of 2ps. Came away with over a quid’s worth! Should have just spent them really – who wants a load of old 2ps? No one.

Got back and had lager for dinner. That wasn’t the plan, but I opened one whilst I waited for some chicken to defrost in the microwave and by the time it was done I’d almost finished my second. By then I couldn’t be bothered to cook so just kept drinking.

Sunday 18th October

Popped round to Mum and Dad’s. Mark was there, haven’t seen him in ages. He was telling me about his new girlfriend, Liz. I’m not one to judge a book by its cover, but he showed me a picture and she looked like an absolute cunt. She’s got a really wide face, you could park a boat on it with room to spare.

When Mark had left, Mum tried to be positive: “She’s lovely. I mean, when she’s here, she doesn’t do much, just sits in that chair and doesn’t move. Doesn’t even offer to help bring the food through to the dining room when we’re going to eat. But she’s lovely.” Nice try Mum! You live in your world of denial. Mark’s chosen a stinker once again.

Monday 19th October

If Martyn eats much more pineapple, he’s going to turn into one. Mind you, he has lost a bit of weight so it’s probably worth the risk. Beth looks like she has as well, although there’s still a very long way to go. She’s going to be so disappointed when she finds out that there isn’t an attractive, thin Beth inside, waiting to get out. I still can’t figure out what Martyn sees in her. I can stare and stare at her and not get it. The way he talks, you’d think he’d landed a model. The only thing she could model is toilets.

Sally, on the other hand, is looking so fine. I can’t believe James gets to sleep with her. I hope he makes the most of it. If I had my way with her, there’d be nothing left by the time I’d finished… that makes it sound like I’m gonna kill her and hide the body.

Hannah’s got an amazing figure. Her boobs are so perky. I wish she still loved me. Heard nothing from her lately, she must have got bored of photography. My camera is slowly gathering dust… not literally, it’s in a bag.

Tuesday 20th October

Still need to find those bastards who sold me that joke of a lens – it’s important to get your own back. ‘Sow what you reap’ I say. Maybe I should register on one of those pay for search sites that find addresses. The only problem is that if they’re not on there, and it’s ridiculously expensive, then I’ll want to get my own back on the people that run it and I’ll have two scores to settle. So annoying. Maybe I should sell the lens on eBay, do to someone else what they did to me.

Wednesday 21st October

That Snickers is still in Beth’s drawer. I might steal it back.

Martyn kicked a pigeon in the head today. We were walking into town and ended up cutting through a swarm of pigeons (is that the right collective term?). In order to clear our path, he did a very gentle kick through the air, just to get them to flap off a bit. One really stupid one walked right into it and got a black eye for its trouble. It was OK, a bit dazed maybe. Martyn felt really guilty. It would have been mean to laugh at him, but sometimes you’ve just got to be mean.

Collective nouns for pigeons include ‘flock’, ‘flight’, ‘passel’ and ‘kit’. I think a more realistic term would be ‘disease’, – a disease of pigeons. Filthy flying rats.

Thursday 22nd October

Beth decided that we should all go to the cinema tomorrow to watch The ‘Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus’. She kept banging on about how gorgeous Heath Ledger is and that he’s her ideal man – I think because he’s dead and she could eat him. I’m not really bothered about watching it. I’m more intrigued to see ‘This Is It’ next week, which I’m hoping makes the show look shit. If it’s amazing I’ll be even more annoyed that Jacko died… although probably not as annoyed as him.

Friday 23rd October

Martyn was eating sticks of pineapple today – yesterday it was cubes. …Noticing pathetic details like that is what really highlights just how tedious and uninteresting your job is. I really should start looking in the paper for something new. I’ll buy one tomorrow.

Didn’t go to the cinema with everyone, had a last minute reprieve when Hannah texted asking to borrow the camera again. She’s just left after staying for about an hour. She’s looking so gorgeous. I’d obviously prefer it to be my penis rather than my camera, but at least her hands are all over something of mine.

It’s weird to see her in new clothes. When we were going out, I knew every item she owned. Now every time I see her she’s in something unexpected… I don’t like it. They’re nice clothes, but it’s a kick in the nuts-reminder that I hardly see her any more. She might come with me to see the Jacko documentary next week – it’s only right seeing as we were supposed to be going to the concert together.

Saturday 24th October

I’ve got a plan to get revenge on that lens bitch. It’s a long shot but the only thing I can think to try. Was looking at her profile page again and all her feedback (except the one slating I gave her), was for her buying Lego and Action Man figures – presumably for her kid who may or may not be very ill. She’s only had an account for a couple of months and the last purchase she made was three days ago – some more Lego. I’ve set up a new eBay account so that she doesn’t know it’s me, and I’ve stolen some Google images and put up some fake listings for both Lego and Action Man figures. The honeytrap is set.

I can’t believe our paddling pool is still sat out in the garden.

Sunday 25th October

Already had some bids on the fake toy listings, none of them her though.

Hannah returned the camera. She was wearing a new pair of jeans and top. She didn’t stay long. Her pictures hadn’t been deleted off the memory card. Sadly there was nothing interesting on there – I was hoping there’d be some experimental nude shots of herself. Instead there were a lot of close ups of trees and plants. Went into town to buy some new clothes. Hannah seems to be making the statement with her clothes that she’s moving on… I need to do the same – it’s the only way I can win her back. Got some T-shirts, a couple of shirts, two pairs of trousers and a coat. My only slight concern is that they may be too similar to the clothes I’ve already got.

Monday 26th October

Had a few more bids, none of them her. It’s a shame I don’t actually have any toys to sell, it’s a good way to make money.

Pineapple chunks for Martyn today – three tubs! I like pineapple, in fact it’s one of my favourite fruits, but I wouldn’t want to do some crazy pineapple weight loss scheme like him – you’d never want to see another pineapple again, and then the joy of the pineapple will have left your life forever. That would be a sad day.

I hate people who have no awareness of what’s around them. Why do people suddenly stop dead in the middle of the pavement so they can look in their god damn bag?! Move over to the side you dipshit, or don’t get annoyed when I mutter “Fuck’s sake!” loudly under my breath at you!

Tuesday 27th October

Still no bids from her.

Texted Hannah to see if she wanted to see ‘This Is It’ on Friday. She said yes! Very happy about that. In my head it’s kind of a date. Hopefully we can sit with our legs touching, although that would only work if we’re in the cheap seats. I should offer to pay for us both and get the luxury ones, although she might find it a bit weird if I’m offering to pay – like I’m treating it as a date (which I am). Well she knows I’m booking the tickets, so if she offers to pay me back, I’ll take the money, and if she doesn’t I won’t say anything. So excited. I’ll wear the new clothes to show that I’ve moved on.

Wednesday 28th October

Important not to get disheartened that the eBitch hasn’t bid yet. Got to give it time.

Stole that Snickers back. Later in the day, Beth was rummaging in her drawer for it. She seemed a bit stressed by its absence. She then asked the people on her table if they had seen it. After lunch she came back with a new one and placed it in the drawer.

Thursday 29th October

Got in early and stole Beth’s second Snickers from her drawer. Spent the rest of the morning staring at her, waiting for her to discover it had gone. ‘Panicked’ is the best way to describe her reaction as she emptied the drawer. At lunch I heard her in the kitchen with Martyn, laying into whoever did it: “It doesn’t matter if I wasn’t going to eat it. It’s mine and some arsehole’s nicked it.” I then put it back, but at the very back of her drawer. She found it at about 5pm and looked very relieved.

I wonder if I can make her think she’s losing her mind by continually doing this?

Friday 30th October.

Just got ready for the big date with Hannah. She’s meeting me there, but I’m dropping her home. At lunch today I went out and bought some new aftershave – if I smell different, she might think I am different and take me back.

Just returned from the film. The show looked like it was going to be amazing, which is annoying. I should learn to dance. Girls love a guy who can dance with them properly – I move like a sack of angry cats.

As soon as Hannah walked in, she commented on how nice I looked – hah! Walked right into my trap. One nil! Hannah offered to pay for her ticket and I accepted. We were in the expensive seats, so there was no leg touching, but we did share a popcorn, so there was the occasional, accidental bumping of hands as we both went for a fistful – and by accidental, I mean I waited for her to make a move and did so too, so that we’d touch.

Afterwards we walked to the car park and I did my usual thing of checking the coin refund slots on the two barriers… nothing this time, but I must have earned about thirty quid over the years from forgotten change that for some reason always gets left there.

Got back to hers and before she got out of the car, she gave me a little peck on the cheek. Something in her eyes told me she wanted more, but something in her body (as it exited the car and headed to her front door without looking back) told me that it wasn’t going to happen. Maybe next time though!

I’m definitely making progress.

Saturday 31st October

My eBay auctions ended. I bid on them all in the last few minutes, using my other account, to make sure that no one else won and expected to receive some goods. No bids from that whore. I relisted a few other fake Lego and Action Man items – I’ll get her.

Had a house meeting about the paddling pool. Decided to play Game of Life and whoever came last had to empty it and put it away. Panda lost, but instead of emptying the pool, he threw the board across the room and screamed that it was a set up and that he wouldn’t empty it until an inquiry was held. Maybe I should just empty it… no.


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  1. Amy says:

    This is totes-amazeballs!!!!

  2. Andy says:

    Love it!

  3. Gareth's Missing Lens says:

    I don’t have facebook or twitter, but if I did I’d both like and follow you (Who would have ever guessed that one day that sentence wouldn’t be creepy?)

  4. Gareth's Bank Transfer says:

    This needs to be a book! Properly hillarious.

  5. fiona says:

    friggin love this 🙂

  6. Barry says:

    Love the saga with the camera lens and Gareth’s plot to get his own back!
    Funniest comment has to be on Thursday 15th October about Frosties and the gay Tony the Tiger – hilarious!!

  7. Panda's pool sick says:

    I’m going to be sad when I catch up and have to wait for more…

  8. Hallie says:

    I found myself nodding my noggin all the way thgruoh.

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