Monday 1st November
Luckily Hannah wasn’t after sex last night – so I was free to curl up into a ball and hope the world would stop spinning.
Felt rotten when I woke up, but I put working to one side when I got to the office and concentrated on drinking lots of water and taking a regular course of paracetamols. Everyone else who went to the party was in a similar position to me. I felt cheered when Martyn showed up considerably worse.
There was lots of talk about the previous night, mainly instigated by Beth who was keen to remain the centre of attention for as long as possible.
The biggest revelation for Jack and I was her sister, Vicky. Who would have thought Beth would have a younger, more attractive and, more importantly, thinner, sister. From what I observed they didn’t seem particularly close. I’m not surprised really – if it’s possible, Vicky is much more annoying than Beth, having an irritating confidence that only comes from having a massively overweight, older sister.
Beth answered the door when we arrived. I’d found it hard keep my eyes off Hannah in her sexy tutu thing, even if her makeup was odd, so being greeted by Beth, looking like a gooseberry with wings, snapped me back to reality. “Oooh. A monkey and a ballerina,” she said. Hannah informed her she was from Black Swan. Beth asked if that was a Ballet. “It’s a film,” Hannah replied. “I haven’t seen it,” Beth said. I informed her it wasn’t out yet and that I was from Planet of the Apes. She then recognised it was me and admitted she hadn’t seen that either. Idiot.
I’m not sure what I was expecting from the party really. Actually that’s a lie – I did assume it would be a painful experience, but actually it was quite fun. Hannah grew tired of people asking her who she was, and after about half an hour I gave up drinking through a straw and took the plastic monkey nose and mouthpiece off, but other than that we had a good time.
I’d already spotted Vicky and eyed her up from across the room before Beth introduced us. She isn’t stunning – I don’t think Beth’s parents have strong enough genes to make anyone stunning, but she definitely had a cute face and alright body. She’s not super thin or anything like that and, to be honest, if you didn’t have Beth to compare her to as an example of your body going badly wrong, then you would say she was marginally on the chubby side. She definitely had everything Beth didn’t though, except a nice personality. Not that Beth’s got one of those, but it’s definitely better than Vicky’s.
Anyway, needless to say Jack fucked her in the garden. “Just got to do the mum now,” he whispered to me as he re-entered the house.
Beth didn’t look happy that Jack was paying so much attention to Vicky – or at least he was before he banged her – but there was nothing she could do about it.
Martyn was sinking beer after beer. He’s a soppy drunk which meant he kept trying to hug everyone. By the end of the night everything and everyone was covered in blue make up from his fucking Avatar costume.
Beth’s housemate was a plump girl who spent most of her time eating and then topping up the bowls of crisps. I spent the first half of the party avoiding her, not wanting Hannah and I to get cornered by the heffer. When she did finally trap us, it turned out she was really nice and funny, so we stayed talking to her for quite a bit. She even knew of Black Swan, which pleased Hannah.
We left about half one, knowing we’d be paying for it at work. She should have had it on the Saturday night. Ridiculous.
James was there with Sally. I ran out of easy conversation with him after about four minutes… we continued to chat for another twenty.
Tuesday 2nd November
Booked Center Parcs! We’re going Monday the 10th until Friday the 14th of Jan. Very exciting! What’s even more exciting is Panda’s Gran has paid for the dishwasher to be fixed. Admittedly the novelty wore off when I had to unload the fucker that night.
Wednesday 3rd November
Can’t get hold of Hannah. Been texting all day and had nothing back. Tried calling this evening and it went straight to voicemail. She’s probably cheating on me.
Was sorting through some old crap in my room and found the CD for Theme Hospital – ended up playing it until 2am.
Thursday 4th November
Hannah’s granddad has died. That’s why I didn’t hear from her yesterday. He was pretty old and lived in a home, so I don’t think it was too much of a shock. Still upsetting for her though. She was crying on the phone. I told her she should have called me yesterday when she heard. I said it in a nice way but, to be honest, I was annoyed that she didn’t. I’m supposed to be her boyfriend – the one person she can go to when she needs comfort, but no, she’d rather deal with it on her own. I said I’d come round after work. She said OK, but didn’t sound that bothered. She hasn’t got any grandparents left now.
Jack keeps going on about how he’s banged Beth and Vicky. It’s pretty tiresome.
Friday 5th November
Poor Hannah was really upset.
Annoyingly, when I got there after work I realised I didn’t know if it was her mum or dad’s dad that had died, so I had to be a bit vague with a general “I’m really sorry for your loss,” to both of them. I toyed with the idea of the more personal: “Sorry to hear about Granddad,” but as I barely knew the man, it sounded too creepy.
Just ended up cuddling Hannah as we watched TV. She fell asleep in my arms at about half ten, so I left her under the covers and headed off. It would have been nice to stay there, but it’s weird with her mum and dad – I can never figure out what the rules are.
Got home and Panda had bought two massive bags full of fireworks. We’re going to have our annual ‘let’s try and blow up the street’ party tomorrow.
Saturday 6th November
Hannah’s still upset. I asked if she wanted to go out somewhere to take her mind off it. She snapped back: “It’s not something you can just forget about, Gareth!” That’s totally not what I meant, but I couldn’t tell her that and risk another cunty remark, so I made an excuse and hung up. Fuck her, I’ve got better things to do.
Just got back from town with Ed and Panda. We raided the charity shops in search of things to blow up. Got a nice selection of action figures and crockery. Someone’s so going to lose an eye.
The barbecue had just come up to temperature when Hannah rang me in tears. I was worried she’d want me to go over there, but luckily she just needed to cry down the phone for a bit. I was still annoyed by her comment this morning, so found it very hard to offer sympathy. I also made a bit of a faux pas when I mentioned we were about to start cremating the burgers. She can’t have noticed through all her sobbing and sniffing though, otherwise I’d have been blasted with the usual: “Can you not take anything seriously?”
That was possibly one of the most fun displays yet. Ed had a load of flying lantern things that he’d bought to light during a romantic night with Lispother Biggins. We started off just sending them up into the sky as expected, but when the novelty of that wore off, we ended up holding lit rockets by their sticks in an attempt to launch them at the rising lanterns. Rockets aren’t the straightest flyers, but we managed to take out a few, sending flaming bundles of tissue paper and wire crashing into the surrounding gardens. We haven’t heard any sirens so I don’t think they burnt anything down.
We’re now about to watch The Lost Boys.
Sunday 7th November
Texted Hannah. No word. Ended up looking at the website for that hooker I nearly banged. I wonder how many cocks she’s had inside since I blew her out? Ended up masturbating to her pictures. Can’t get AIDs that way.
Hannah finally got back to me. She was still upset. He was in his 90s I think, so it’s not as if he died young!
Monday 8th November
The funeral is on Thursday. Hannah hasn’t asked me to go, but then I don’t know if I’m supposed to just assume that I am. If I ask her, she’s bound to snap at me whatever: “Of course you’re coming, why wouldn’t you be coming?!” or “Why would you be coming? He’s my granddad!” I’ve booked the morning off work just in case. Waste of half a day’s holiday. I get screwed over so much that it’s starting to happen from beyond the grave! Although he’s not actually in a grave yet.
I wonder if he’ll be buried or cremated. I used to want to be buried because I didn’t like the thought of being burnt away to nothing. Then I realised the worms would probably eat my eyeballs so I thought maybe cremation was for the best. I think in the end I’ll be stuffed and put in Hannah’s room. A reminder to other men not to stick their dicks inside her.
Tuesday 9th November
You cannot find any video footage of Ennals Point anywhere online. The internet has let me down. I only want to watch the titles.
Wednesday 10th November
Turns out I am going to the funeral. Spoke to Hannah on the phone this morning and she asked what time I was getting to hers. Said I’d arrive at 10. Crisis averted.
She wasn’t angry today. Still sad though. The sooner her granddad is cremated the better. Not having done the proper goodbye, Hannah isn’t able to move on yet. If she’s like this with her granddad, I’m not looking forward to when her mum and dad die.
Simon texted. He wants to meet up again. I said I would, even though whenever a text from him comes through I end up wishing it hadn’t.
Thursday 11th November
The funeral was OK. Not as sad as I was expecting it to be, although I did have a bit of a lump in my throat and my eyes were considerably wetter. I think that was down to seeing Hannah so upset though. She was definitely the most emotional there, even more than her mum. She looked quite cute, grief-stricken.
Afterwards we went back to her aunt’s house for the wake. I could tell quite a few of her family were surprised to see me. I guess they didn’t know that we’d got back together, or if they didn’t know that we’d split up, were surprised that we were still going out. The one good thing about not having a girlfriend is you don’t have to attend stupid family gatherings and make small talk with people you wouldn’t choose to be in a room with… except your own family of course.
Hannah’s uncle was there. He lives in Australia. I’d only met him a few times before, maybe not even that many. He said what he said every other time I saw him – that Hannah and I should go out and stay with him and his wife sometime. I said that would be great and made all the right noises, but let’s be honest, the chances of that happening are fuck all to nil.
Hannah was annoyed that I hadn’t taken the whole day off work and had to leave early. I said I’d text her when I was done and come to wherever she was, but that did little to appease her. I did text, but she didn’t text back until 8pm. By that point I was wasted and playing Bubble Bobble.
Beth asked where I’d been in the morning. I told her our garden had flooded. Don’t know why, just really fancied lying to the big twat.
I wonder if she knows that Jack banged her sister yet?
Friday 12th November
I’m so overweight. I’m scared to weigh myself. I can really see it in my face. I should just think: ‘Right, time to eat healthily, cut down on the booze and get some exercise,’ and to be fair that is what I’m thinking. Unfortunately another part of me, the louder part of me that I listen to more, is saying: ‘It’s nearly the end of the year. Just have one last blow out and start fresh on the 1st of January.’ Why a date should make any difference, just because it’s the beginning of a new year, I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure that for the next 49 days I’m going to gorge myself on food, drink and dangerously low mobility, and then I’ll get into shape.
Another text from Simon. I really should text him back.
Saturday 13th November
Going round to Mum and Dad’s for lunch with Hannah. Dad had another moan about me not seeing them enough, well, he actually said not seeing Mum enough, I don’t think he’s actually that bothered if he sees me or not. It goes both ways though, not in a mean way, we’re just not that sentimental about it… or maybe we are but are too closeted in our emotions to admit it.
Picking Hannah up at 12. Going to spend the morning with Ed playing Midnight Resistance on the Amiga.
Liz is pregnant! Mark has gone and got that stupid, ugly, cunt-of-a-fuck knocked up. Stupid fucking prick. That is his life over. Now that witch bitch has got her baby claws into him and he’s tied to her for life… unless a miracle happens and she’s stabbed to death in a house invasion that goes wrong… or goes right, depending on how you look at it.
Mum was horrified, but obviously didn’t show it. Dad was horrified too, and obviously did show it. He didn’t slag off Liz (he did to me later), but he made comments about them not having been together that long, and not being married. He’s not even bothered about people being married first, I think he just wanted to show Mark that he should have waited – ideally for someone else. Turns out they are getting married though. A double whammy of shit falls on the same day.
Emma and Hannah played it the best, I could almost believe their excitement. I knew it was fake though and when we were alone together later, Emma said that “if that bitch hurts Mark or that baby, I will scratch her ridiculously wide face to ribbons.”
I knew I couldn’t do the sincere thing, even if he was having a baby with someone I liked, so I just joked that his life was over. The sad thing is that it really is. I can’t get over how much he’s messed up. It was probably her doing. I bet she was fishing the used condoms out of the bin and wringing them out inside herself to get knocked up. Cow.
I was driving so couldn’t drink much whilst I was there. Afterwards I drove Hannah back here and we both got straight on the vodka. I was too wasted to drop her home, and she wouldn’t stay over, so her dad had to come and pick her up. We hadn’t had sex for almost a month so, whilst she was watching TV, I undid her jeans and fingered her until what I was doing was more interesting than what she was watching. She lifted her bum up, slid out of the jeans and knickers and I shagged her with her top still on. It was simple but very effective. I love her so much. I just want to live inside her.
Sunday 14th November
Can’t believe I wrote that I want to live inside Hannah. That’s what vodka does to you, or maybe that’s what her pussy does to you. I wonder if Rob wanted to live inside her. He’s living inside Rachel now. I wish I was living inside Rachel. I might text her.
Spent pretty much the whole day texting Rachel. We’re going to go to the cinema this week. I won’t tell Hannah, and I doubt she’ll tell Rob. Maybe we’ll end up having an affair. I don’t know if that’s something I’d want or not. It would be good to do to Hannah and Rob what they did to me, and it would definitely be good to have sex with Rachel, but I do love Hannah and now that a bit of time has passed, it is definitely good to be back with her, so I don’t want to jeopardise it. If I could 100% guarantee that she wouldn’t find out, then I’d have one go with Rachel. They always find out though.
I’m definitely drinking too much vodka. Promised myself I wouldn’t have any today, yet here I am, pissed again on a third of a litre of the stuff. It’s because you can put it in a fizzy drink, and can’t taste the stuff. It’s the best. In the New Year I’ll knock it on the head.
Still texting Rachel. Told her about Mark and Liz. She said that if I was able to split Rob and Hannah up, then I could do it to those two easily. It’s certainly tempting. I’d rather have her killed though.
Monday 15th November
I need a new job. I’m sick of this.
Went for lunch with Martyn. I asked him how he gets on with Beth’s sister – fine it turns out. From what I saw at the party I thought there was something going on between them, but according to him, they’re quite close. Closer than Martyn realises really, they’ve even shared the same penis, and it wasn’t Martyn’s.
He wants to go on a lads’ night out – three words that fill me with dread. I told him “let’s not and say we did,” but that just confused him and he continued to whittle on about his tedious plan for the best Friday night we’ll ever have. The fact that the night started with me having to hang out with Martyn really didn’t fill me with confidence.
Unfortunately it was Monday and I’m not at the top of my game when it’s Monday and I’m hungover from too much vodka, so rather than come up with a convoluted lie about why I couldn’t do it, I told him I was in. When it comes to the actual day I’ll tell him Liz lost the baby and the family had to rally round to comfort Mark. After that I’ll just never mention that the baby was born.
I’m going to be an uncle. That’s such an old thing to be. Uncle Gareth. There’s no way I’m being called Uncle Gareth. I’ll have to think of a cooler thing to be. I guess it could just call me Gareth, I call all my uncles and aunts by their first names now. Maybe I’ll think of some cool nickname. Gathster. No that is awful.
Tuesday 16th November
Bumped into Tom The Contrary in town. Hadn’t seen him in ages, thankfully. He made me swap numbers and then he was gone. He’s going to text me. Why does he insist of trying to be friends? Ugh.
Wednesday 17th November
Martyn came up to me and asked what evenings I was free for the lad’s night out. I told him it’s hard at the moment because Hannah’s granddad just died. Not sure how long I can use that excuse, but it might buy me a couple of weeks.
Thursday 18th November
Ed’s such a twat-carriage. Came home to find him making his own bacon. He was literally pouring salt or something onto meat in a ziplock. Someone should tell him you can buy it in Sainsbury’s. Lispy was there too, giggling like a bacon-hungry whore. She’ll be getting meat out of his ziplock later, and I’ll have to listen.
Greg Egg’s birthday tomorrow. He wants us to go out for drinks. Obviously Beth was up for it, and that meant Martyn was up for it, which meant Jack was up for it because there’s nothing he likes better at the moment than making Beth feel uncomfortable. Because those three were up for it, Sally didn’t want to be left out, so she’s up for it. I’m not up for it, but Hannah’s out tomorrow night, probably having sex with someone else, so I might as well go – especially as Hilary is going. Even though I’m with Hannah, I’d still like to have at least one successful flirt with her.
I wonder what The Lisp is like in bed. She’s quite small. You could throw her around easily… although why throwing her around would be sexy I don’t know… I guess to bend her into new positions.
There doesn’t seem to be any more awkwardness after I saw her in her underwear. Maybe I should invite her and Ed to Center Parcs, then I’ll get to see her in her swimming costume – hopefully some small bikini one. I’ll have to ask Hannah if she minds – I won’t mention the wanting to see Lispy practically naked bit, will just say it might be nice.
Was supposed to be seeing Rachel tonight, but she had to cancel. Will see her next week hopefully. I miss her.
Friday 19th November
Going to buy Hannah a fancy DSLR camera for Christmas. She’s mentioned a few times how it’s such a shame that mine got nicked. It’s an expensive present, but she’ll love it.
I really don’t want to go to these drinks tonight.
Ed’s big lump of meat is sitting in the fridge, leaking pork-piss. Looks horrible.
Saturday 20th November
Had a good time last night! Even Greg Egg didn’t annoy me. The most exciting thing is that I actually got somewhere with Hilary. It was only flirty chat, but it was a hell of a lot more than I had achieved previously. Compared to how badly I did last time, it was pretty much the equivalent of fingering her this time.
Meena was there too. It was her that was spurring Hilary on. As well as being a bit of a party-girl…woman, she’s actually quite dirty, it turns out. Luckily, that dirtiness rubbed off onto Hilary. I think I could have probably done something with Meena if I’d wanted to. She’s not as attractive as Hilary, but definitely not unattractive. Maybe I could have had a threesome if I’d just worked it a bit harder. How do people actually get to have threesomes?
At the start of the evening, Beth was avoiding Jack, and trying to get Martyn to do the same. Once she’d downed a few pints, however, she was all over him again, as if nothing had ever happened. Jack was loving it, of course. I hope he doesn’t shag her again. I shudder to think what hideous practices round two would bring.
Started playing Age of Empires 2 at 4pm. It’s 11pm now and I’m still playing. Love it. Always be the Persians. Smash the other teams to dust with your war elephants. Textbook.
Sunday 21st November
Went to Hannah’s for lunch. Her parents and brother were out so she cooked a chicken. She’d make a great wife. Maybe I should just propose to her, snap her up before it all goes balls again. I wonder what she’d say if I did. Maybe if we were married she’d be up for the finger in her bum again – that seems to be completely off the cards at the moment, judging by the way she reacted today.
I guess her taking control that time and telling me what to do in bed was just a passing phase. It could be that she’s happy with what we do now, so doesn’t feel the need to instruct me in how to please her. On the other hand though, it could be that she thinks I’m not good enough in bed, and that I’ll never be able to give her what she wants, so has given up telling me what to do and just grins and bears it. There never used to be this many worries when it came to this stuff.
Monday 22nd November
Meena keeps smiling at me. I think I’ve opened a floodgate there. Jack came over this morning and asked if I banged them on Friday. “No,” I said. “I left with you.” He says he might have to try and have a go on Meena: “She seems nasty.” Must he sleep with everyone? I won’t be so bothered if he manages it with her. I’d be a bit put out if he got anywhere with Hilary. I can’t see that happening though. I think she thinks he’s a bit of an idiot. He is really. I wonder what she thinks of me? Probably an idiot too.
Tuesday 23rd November
Need to buy Hannah’s camera.
Would it be weird to propose at Center Parcs? We haven’t been back together all that long, but in total we’ve been together a long time. I won’t – it’s hard to read her at the moment. Some days it’s the old Hannah, other days it’s the new one that I used to see on our dates after we’d split and not really recognise anymore. Maybe I should just kill us both when we’re there. Drown in the rapids? I could drown her. Not sure how I’d drown myself? Stay in the plunge pool too long and get hypothermia? Cut the ropes on the high wires? Arrow through the neck during archery – “I love you so much Hannah!” Whoooosh, spwack, scream, dead.
Wednesday 24th November
Ed’s ‘bacon’ is still in the fridge.
He was out this evening. I went through the drawers in his room. Found some of Lispy’s knickers in one and ended up taking them out one by one to inspect. There were some plain boring ones, like the ones I saw her in, and then some really skimpy sexy ones. I wished I’d seen her in those ones. Made sure I put them back as I found them. I think this is how serial killers get started, especially considering I sniffed one of them.
Thursday 25th November
Went into Ed’s room again to look at Lispy’s knickers. I hope I don’t start masturbating with them – that really would be a dark avenue to head down.
Friday 26th November
Rachel cancelled on me again. Nice to see that I mean less and less to her with each passing day. Maybe I should just cut her loose.
Everything is back to normal with Beth and Jack, I see. So much so that she purposely heads to the kitchen when he does. I guess she’s decided that they got away with their previous fling and that as she’s already done it once, they might as well do it again. I could tell Martyn the truth. That would wipe the smile off her big, fat face.
Hannah’s coming over.
Saturday 27th November
Started having sex with Hannah whilst she was still asleep this morning. God it was hot. She didn’t stay asleep, but didn’t let on that she was awake, apart from the occasional moan of pleasure. I came and then we just spooned with me inside her until I shrunk out. It was so great, but obviously now I’m wondering why she wasn’t bothered about me giving her an orgasm. I really don’t want things to end between us. I don’t want to have to ask if she’s happy, but I need some kind of proof. If only she kept a diary I could secretly read. I probably wouldn’t like what I found if I did.
Sunday 28th November
Just spent £17 on a ‘Ghost in a can’ from eBay. Suddenly had the memory of them being sold in the post office near primary school. I think they were only 10p. Should have bought a load back then as an investment for the future. Oh hindsight you cunt.
Been reading about canned ghosts. Apparently they were promotional items in Burger King and Wimpy in 1989, but I swear that they had them in the Post Office. I can’t have seen them anywhere else because Mum and Dad never took us to Burger King or Wimpy. We didn’t even go to McDonalds. I can’t have dreamt I saw them, because how else would I know about them? I always wanted one but I seem to remember Mum telling me they were a waste of money, or I thought they were a waste of money. Either way, I’ve got one now!
Monday 29th November
Seeing Rachel on Wednesday, apparently. I won’t hold my breath.
Nob leaked wee again. I’m sure it’s happening more and more frequently. I should keep a list with dates. I’d rather have a leaky nob than lose my hair though, so if that’s what getting older is, then I can live with it.
Tuesday 30th November
Need to arrange an actual date to meet up with Simon. He keeps texting.
Fuck it. Told him we should go for a beer on Saturday. Want to get Hannah a present so can do that before or after.
Ed’s ‘bacon’ is now out of its disgusting bag of fluid and sat on a plate in the fridge without any clingfilm on it. That’s going to be rotten in a few days time and stink the place out. Nice one, Ed. It must be well past its sell by date. How long does pork last?
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