Sunday 1st November
Managed to get an Amiga 500 emulator working on my PC. Spent most of the day playing ‘Escape From The Planet Of The Robot Monsters’. Had to pop into town at lunchtime to get a PC compatible joystick. Bumped into Sally, Beth, Fi and another couple of her friends in Boots whilst I was getting a sandwich.
They all said hello (even Fi) and despite the elephant in the room (not Beth), the meeting was pleasant enough. Fi’s very pretty, but I’m not going to get back on that one. I can’t be pining after two girls.
Monday 2nd November
That filthy, dirty bastard Martyn! I was sat at his desk, talking about my chance meeting with Fi, and he was tucking into his sticks of pineapple. He offered me one, which I graciously accepted. I asked him how the pineapple diet was going and he responded: “The pineapple isn’t part of the diet, although it does help. No, Beth’s got me eating the pineapple because apparently it makes your jizz taste nicer.” Needless to say, I spat my half chewed stick of pineapple into his bin and walked away appalled. Why tell me that?! Disgusting. Fucking disgusting.
Tuesday 3rd November
Martyn’s put me off pineapple for life. Thanks for that Martyn! He sat at his desk like a fat slug today, guzzling down glass after glass of pineapple juice, just so Beth can guzzle down glass after glass of his festering funk… is there anything she won’t eat?
No bids from the witch yet.
Wednesday 4th November
All this Christmas stuff everywhere is making me depressed. It’s nearly two months away!
I guess it’s off to Mum and Dad’s this year – unless I’ve managed to woo back Hannah by then. We could go away somewhere together. Christmas in a fancy hotel could be fun.
Thursday 5th November
Still no bids from her. I’ll do one more round of listings next week, and if I haven’t found her by then, then I think I’ll have to call the whole thing off.
Our dishwasher’s broken. This is an absolute nightmare, but none of us can afford to get it fixed. Panda, Ed and I have made a rule that everyone has to wash up their own things straight away. If you leave anything dirty on the side, then you pay a fine – which goes towards getting the dishwasher fixed. With Panda’s shockingly low standards of living, it should be mended in no time.
Guy Fawkes night. Going to a display on Saturday with Beth and that lot. Sally’s going to invite her friends, which means Fi could possibly be going. I could get Ed and Panda to come along… and Hannah!
Friday 6th November
It’s like a warzone outside! Never known so many fireworks to be set off. Fireworks are great, but much more fun when rockets are shoved head first into various pieces of fruit, Catherine wheels aren’t nailed to anything and chase people around the garden and air bombs are carefully dismantled and used to blow up various action figures… which is precisely what will be happening on Sunday when Ed, Panda and I have our own display in the back garden. It’s a dangerous time, but accidents can be avoided, so long as you’re not an idiot… which is precisely why Matthew Bird can count the total number of fingers he has on one hand. Wonder what he’s up to now? Maybe he’s got a job as the claw in a crane machine game down Southend arcades. Prick.
Our kitchen is an absolute tip. So much for everyone washing up their bits and pieces. I’m as much to blame as the others though.
Saturday 7th November
eBay auctions ended. Once more I bid on them all to avoid angry buyers. None of the bidders were her. Relisted one last round of items. This time!
Texted Hannah to see if she wanted to come to the fireworks. She’s going to a display somewhere else. Oh well, her loss. At least it means I can work on Fi again without getting distracted. Ed and Panda are coming along. I started to regret the invite as soon as I asked them, well, I regretted asking Panda – he’s too unpredictable around people that don’t fully understand him.
We bought a large bottle of vodka and a few bottles of fizzy pop each to put a generous slosh into – that way you get let in with booze and don’t have to pay about four quid for a pint (that’s if they even sell booze). Headed down to Admirals Park at about 6 as everyone was meeting around 6:30. Six quid to get in! Cheaper to buy a house on Rainsford Road and watch from the window (although not really).
Why do these events feel they need some poxy DJ from a shitty radio station dishing out what they call ‘musical fun and great entertainment’? I’d call it ‘pop shite and inane babble’. Why don’t they just stick a CD on, that way they could use the DJ as the Guy.
Found the others. Fi was with them, somehow managing to pull off looking incredibly sexy whilst wearing hat, gloves and a big coat. We all set off round the ‘entertainments’. If there hadn’t been hundreds of people getting in our way, we could have seen it, and been bored by it all in about five minutes. Instead it took about half an hour to be underwhelmed.
Beth and Martyn ate three bags of candy floss between them. I asked if the diet was on hold for the night, but they responded that candyfloss isn’t that bad, it’s mostly air. They also had a toffee apple each – technically it’s one of their five a day, I guess.
Whenever I spoke to Fi, she’d answer me, but then the conversation would dry up and she wouldn’t make any effort to re-wet it. I started to get annoyed when she began laughing at everything Panda said. My anger grew when he kept touching her. I’ve never known a man to be so comfortable with invading other people’s personal space. What’s weird is that he gets away with it. He just has this knack of getting physical contact with people he hardly knows – like with the girl in that queue in Lowestoft.
Fi seemed to be really impressed that he makes music and DJs. It was sickening how giggly she was around him. He kept shouting abuse over at the Heart FM DJ which everyone, especially Fi, found hilarious. I just found it annoying. This is why I never mix different groups of friends, they either humiliate you or your other friends end up preferring them to you.
The fireworks were good – as fireworks go. I couldn’t really enjoy them though as my eyes were firmly fixed on Panda and Fi who were getting very cosy. Ed could see I was getting pissed off, but his only advice was: “If it’s annoying you, go over there and break it up,” which seemed impractical seeing as she wouldn’t give me the time of day.
Luckily my saving grace was Panda’s all too predictable spiral of self-destruction when he’s been drinking, and the impression of him it leaves on the women he’s around. Fi and everyone found his shouts of abuse at the DJ incredibly funny, but as the vodka mixed with orange Lucozade settled into his system, the shouts at the DJ soon turned into over exaggerated ‘wanker’ hand gestures, which everyone found less funny, and finally ended with Panda pissing up against the side of the booth in full view of everyone (luckily not the DJ). After that, he’d lost Fi completely. When he’s at that stage though, Panda’s more interested in creating as much chaos as he can, rather than flirting with women, so he charged at the bonfire, leaping the low flames of one corner of it and disappeared into the night, followed by some men in fluorescent jackets. That was the last we saw of him. It’s 11:30 and he’s still missing. He’ll turn up though, he always does.
With Panda gone, the evening was left wide open for Fi to ignore me, which she did.
All in all a fairly typical evening.
Sunday 8th November
Found Panda asleep on the sofa this morning. He was surprisingly unscathed from the previous night.
We all went to Tescos to snap up some reduced firework bargains for our own fireworks display tonight. We then went round all the charity shops, looking for things to blow up. Luckily there was quite a large collection of action figures and children’s toys.
As is the tradition, we started a barbecue and opened the booze before inspecting the explosives. When things go badly, like last year, you realise that flames, fireworks and alcohol can be an incredibly stupid and potentially deadly mix – but when things go well, it’s the best evening in you can have.
Highlights of the display have to be the small plastic gnome that was slowly raised about ten feet into the air by a rocket before exploding; the eight-shot airbomb we used to successfully puncture one of those flying lanterns we set off and the incredibly impressive underwater display. Who’d have thought fireworks would work in a paddling pool! I’m glad we left it up now, although I’ve just realised that the splashes of water that covered us when things detonated would have been a disgusting combination of about 2 month old water mixed with chemicals from the bath bombs, spent gunpowder and Panda’s sick. I may have to burn the clothes I wore.
Monday 9th November
Everyone was talking about Panda today – Beth and Sally in an unimpressed way, James and Martyn in a very impressed way. You can’t please all of the people all of the time… or whatever that stupid saying is.
Every time I see Martyn eating something, no matter what it is, I can’t help thinking: ‘Right, that’s what his spunk tastes like today.’ I really think he’s put me off food! It was an egg roll this morning.
Tuesday 10th November
What is it with pigeon’s feet? Why do all of them have mangled stumps instead of toes? What the hell are they doing? Scratching about on landmines?
There was 10p on the floor outside work. I couldn’t decide if picking it up made me a massive scav or not. Does that just apply to coppers? Or do silver coins count as well? Maybe there’s a minimum value. If it was a pound I’d definitely pick it up, even if it was 50p, actually. Anything less than that just seems a bit undignified. I left it in the end. It had gone by the time I got back from lunch. Could have bought a Chomp bar with it.
Wednesday 11th November
Martyn had mackerel sushi for lunch. Poor Beth.
Thursday 12th November
So bored of washing up! Plus the water’s making my hands really sore. I think we all need to chip in to mend the dishwasher. It’s not like emptying the paddling pool, this is something we all really want, so hopefully there won’t be any complaints.
Panda complained. He can’t afford it. Typical that the only tight arse is the one who creates most of the washing up. Ed and I aren’t going to front the costs ourselves for something that helps all three of us, so it will go unfixed, the washing up will grow in volume, it won’t get done, hideous diseases will form, we’ll all get ill and then we’ll die. I hope then that Panda will be satisfied.
Friday 13th November
Simon texted. Started off rather jolly, which was a surprise. He then started reminiscing about college and the happy times. That led to the darkness setting in. I’m not sure what his problem is… well I do… but he should just get on with it. No point looking back and moaning – look forward and moan, I say!
Still no bids from that cow on my Lego and action figures. And looking at her profile, she has bought some since the last time I looked, just not from me. Just luck I guess. Need to keep trying.
Hilary is so middle-class. Over heard her telling Tessa that the next time she’s in Waitrose, she’s going to get some more of those disposable wine glasses.
That Snickers is still in Beth’s drawer. I can’t believe how well she’s doing with this diet. The arsehole in me wants to sabotage it, just to see if I can. The nice part of me thinks I should just leave her alone. It would be interesting to see what she’d look like thin. I wonder if I’d shag a thin Beth? I certainly wouldn’t in the state she is now. If she was thin and shut up during it, then maybe I would. Actually the thought makes me feel a bit queasy – I keep picturing all of Martyn’s pineapples up there.
Saturday 14th November
Feel a bit down today. I wish Hannah would text me. I keep telling myself that by playing it cool, she’ll come running back to me. I’m starting to think it’s just showing her that I’m happy that she’s moved on, and so have I. If I tell her how I feel though, she goes quiet on me. I don’t know if I’d rather just be friends, or not have her in my life at all. How things are at the moment is no way to conduct a friendship – analysing every text, phone call and meeting we have. It’s exhausting, but at least I get to see her this way.
Maybe she does still love me, but feels she has to ‘live’ a bit more first, before making a proper commitment. When we’re together, I’m sure I can tell that she has feelings for me still. I’m sure she wants me to hold her as much as I do. I just wish she’d give in to those feelings. If she wants to ’live’ a bit more, that’s great – I’ll do it with her. We could both quit our jobs and go travelling. I don’t understand any of it. I don’t know what I should do.
Fucking eBay listings didn’t have any bids from that whore.
Sunday 15th November
Put some fresh listings on eBay – I won’t be beaten by this cow.
Had the house to myself all day. Spent some time nosing about in Panda and Ed’s rooms – if they don’t want me going in there, then they should put a lock on their doors.
Most exciting thing found in Ed’s: letters from ex girlfriends, including some raunchy ones. Most exciting/disturbing thing found in Panda’s: a drawer full of assorted sex toys. Now, Panda refuses to wash his bowl when he’s had some cereal, so the chances of those plastic and rubber weapons getting a rinse-off after use are slim to none. Glad I’m not on the receiving end of one… although Panda would probably like it if I was.
Spent the rest of the day deciding what I should do with a day to myself. In the end I did nothing.
I need to have sex. Maybe I should hire an escort – it’s all the fun of a relationship with none of the ties… although I like the ties. Perhaps the hooker and I would fall in love and I could let Hannah go for ever. The main problem with that is I’d spend the rest of my life wondering how busy she was in her job as a whore: “Darling, just how many penises have you had inside you?” “6000 dear, it’s not a problem is it?” “No, it’s fine,” I’d say, grinding my teeth with bitterness and resentment.
Monday 16th November
Bought some rubber gloves today. Was talking to Sally in the kitchen and she asked why my hands were so dry. I explained the dishwasher situation and she recommended the gloves. James came in and I told him his girlfriend was suggesting I use protection. He joked back that Sally won’t let anything happen without protection – she didn’t like that! After she’d shot him an angry look, she huffed and puffed back to her desk. “Things going well?” I asked. “That time of the month,” he said before heading off after her. I don’t think a permanent lack of a sense of humour can be blamed on menstruation. Interesting that they still use condoms though. How long have they been going out? Surely long enough to know if James has got a septic cock?
Just tried pulling open the pack containing the rubber gloves – it wouldn’t rip so I chopped the top off with our big kitchen scissors. Managed to cut the tip off of a finger from each glove. What a pathetic moment of my life that was.
Tuesday 17th November
Martyn burnt his fingers on his soup today. He put a brave face on but I could tell it hurt. My sympathy soon wore off though because I kept telling him to run his fingers under the cold tap and he refused to do so for longer than 30 seconds. I explained that it needs to be for about five minutes for it to have any effect, but he wouldn’t do it. He did ask if I could go to the chemist and get some burn spray he’d used before. I’d already been out once but said yes anyway, because I’m a lovely guy. He gave me a tenner. The box containing the spray had a sticker on it saying £7.95, but when the chemist put it through the scanner, it only came up as £3.95. I got back and gave Martyn the spray, along with £2.05 change.
I tripped out of the main door today when I was leaving work. Of all the people to see me, it had to be Beth. “You have to admit that that was funny!” she laughed as I picked out a few bits of gravel that had pierced into my hand. “Yeah, whenever I’m feeling down, fucking my hand and knee up are always a guaranteed way to get me smiling again,” I said as I limped off away from the fat fuck. I didn’t look back, and she didn’t say anything else to me.
It really, really hurt.
Wednesday 18th November
When Beth arrived, I went over to her desk and gave her a cinnamon swirl bun I’d got from the bakers as a way of apologising for snapping at her yesterday. She didn’t say sorry for laughing, and seemed to think that me having to apologise was entirely necessary – and it’s exactly that kind of selfish attitude that has forced me to bring her diet to its knees as payback. She struggled against the gift at first and reminded me of the diet, but I eventually managed to convince her that “it’s important to have one off treats”, that “one bun isn’t going to hurt”, and my favourite: “cinnamon has weight loss properties in it, that’s why it tastes of cinnamon.” She seemed perplexed by this last one, but it sounded like I knew what I was talking about, so she took the bun. I watched her eat it with her morning coffee – it lasted ten seconds. Got ya!
That ‘you need a treat every so often’ thing that people say when dieting is such bollocks. That’s what causes most people to fail. If you really stick at it, and eat healthily then you get into a routine of healthy eating and exercise, but as soon as you give yourself a treat, it resets everything and you think: “well I’ve had one bad thing today, I might as well have another and just start again tomorrow.” My point is proved because Beth tucked into the Snickers with her afternoon coffee.
No eBay bids.
Bought some more rubber gloves. Opened these ones carefully.
Thursday 19th November
Got a text from Hannah! Might be seeing her this weekend! She’s at a loose end and I guess she wants me to tie her up.
It was Greg’s birthday today, he brought in a load of doughnuts for everybody. I waited until Beth was in the kitchen alone before making my move. She was being good and not having any – until I suggested we go halves on one, which she agreed to. Later in the day I asked if she wanted another half – of course she did.
No eBay bids.
Friday 20th November
I got a McDonalds for lunch and purposefully went over with my pack of chips and ate them in front of Beth. She turned down my first offer of having a few, but eventually she gave in, and must have had about half the packet in the end. I’d bought three hamburgers knowing I only wanted two. I emailed Beth and said: ‘Got one hamburger going begging. Do you want it? If not, it’s going in the bin.’ She said no to begin with, citing the diet as an excuse, but I soon won her round by telling her that it would get burnt off on the treadmill at the weekend in about fifteen minutes. I doubt she’ll go on a treadmill this weekend.
Saturday 21st November
Went down The Ship with Hannah at lunchtime. I still don’t know why exactly she wanted to meet up. It was very nice. In fact it was amazing to see her, but all we did was talk. She didn’t ask to borrow the camera or anything like that. I hope she just misses me and wanted to hang out.
I’ve looked at her face so many times over the years, and even since the break up I’ve looked at her pictures, but it amazes me that each time I see her in person, I’m reminded and surprised at just how beautiful her smile is.
She was wearing a top that I had bought her. I don’t know if that’s because subconsciously she wants something I have a connection with to be close to her, or because it’s the only one that goes with her red shoes. She also had the tight jeans on, the ones that really show her arse off. I noticed I wasn’t the only one in the pub checking her bum out as she stood at the bar. I was the only one in the pub who had ever done anything to it though, which cheered me up immensely. I just need to work out now if she wore the jeans to please me. She knows how much I like the way they make her arse look. She could have easily worn another pair. Also, she kept playing with her beer bottle. Isn’t that meant to represent wanting to touch the guy’s cock, or something? I should Google that.
She said we should see each other again soon when we parted company. She gave me a small kiss on the cheek. I’ve no idea what to make of any of it. Probably best not to make too much, but no doubt I will.
Sunday 22nd November
No bids from the bitch. Relisted.
Spent most of the day looking at my photos of Hannah. I’m so glad I didn’t destroy the nude shots of her like she asked me to. I hope she destroyed the ones she’s got of me though.
Mark was in the area so he popped round to play a bit of Call of Duty. Five hours later we were still playing. Apparently that evil looking witch he’s dating is going to move in with him. He kept suggesting I come round when they’re settled. I told him I would, and from then on I pretended that every person I shot was her.
Monday 23rd November
David’s not coming back to work. They all thought that once he recovered from his second heart attack he’d be back, so kept his job open for him. Turns out his health isn’t getting any better and he won’t be returning. Sandra will be pleased – she’s been doing both their work for about four months. Now she’ll finally get a replacement for him. Having said that, Andrew and the company are so tight, they’ll probably just let her carry on. They did that when the other David left – Sophie took on his responsibilities, just until they found a replacement they said, but because she coped with the workload, they didn’t find anyone else, just let her get on with it. Her walking out remains one of the most spectacular things I have ever seen. I wonder what she’s up to now. She was pretty.
Beth had a mint Aero today and I didn’t even have to prompt her to do it. Mission accomplished. I wonder if Martyn knows she’s off the wagon… or is it ‘on the wagon’? No it’s off.
Tuesday 24th November
Beth is back on the fruit. I think Martyn had a go at her about the unhealthy snacks because there was a definite atmosphere between the two of them today, with her refusing to make eye contact with him. I composed an email to her saying I was going to KFC and did she want to come, because I really needed to talk to someone about Hannah, but in the end I didn’t send it. Can’t be arsed with it anymore. I realised I could be spending that time thinking of ways to win Hannah back, rather than making a fat girl fatter.
The best way I could think of to win Hannah back was to really concentrate on the photography and try and get an exhibition somewhere. She loves things like that and I think it would really excite her to see me as the centre of attention. The most ridiculous way I could think of was to save her from some kind of car fire. Neither of those things are particularly easy though, so I probably won’t do either.
Wednesday 25th November
Been thinking about my exhibition idea. I think it’s got potential. Some people exhibit their work in the foyer outside the library. That always looks shite though, so I won’t do that. But I must be able to hire some kind of ‘space’. Of course the first thing to do is work on my photography, because at the moment all the pictures I’m taking look like shit. The problem is that I don’t have a ‘thing’. I need a theme and a style on which to work, otherwise it’s hard to concentrate. Could possibly do band photography; go down to a few gigs and take some shots. Where do bands rehearse these days since Amber Studios closed?
Sandra was fuming today. As expected, Andrew asked her if she could continue with her current workload. We could all hear the shouting as she told him it wasn’t on and if they don’t find a replacement for David, then they’d have to find a replacement for her. Tessa looked worried – if Sandra goes then she’ll have to do David and Sandra’s work, as well as her own.
Thursday 26th November
Beth is still eating healthily. Boring. She seems to have made up with Martyn.
Sally commented on how my hands were looking better, which was weird, especially for Greg who overheard her saying it.
Just been playing with the camera. There’s too many settings. Where are you supposed to start? Maybe I should do some sort of course… maybe Hannah would like to do it with me?!
Texted Hannah to ask. No reply as of yet.
Friday 27th November
Still haven’t had a reply from Hannah. I hope she’s OK. It would be just my luck if she’s stuck in a car fire and I’m not there to rescue her… what a horrible thing to think.
Still no bids for my Lego and action figures. It’s costing me a fortune in selling fees. Might have to knock it all on the head. Just give in.
Went out for a drink with everyone after work. Beth was on the gin and slimline tonic. Martyn was having vodka and pineapple juice. Gross.
I had a few too many and ended up sat next to Sally asking her if I stood any chance with Fi. It turns out Fi now has a boyfriend, but even if she didn’t, Fi has said that she 100% would not go there again with me.
After that little bit of news, the evening sort of fizzled out for me, so I went home. Ed was watching the director’s cut of Alien. I only meant to watch five minutes of it, but ended up watching it all. Such a good film. We should watch all the films, actually, they’re all great. People go on about Alien3 being the worst, but I really like it. It’s better than Resurrection – especially the director’s cut of it. Although the chestburster coming out of her at the end of the theatrical version is a better idea than it not. The greenscreen’s really ropey though.
Saturday 28th of November
Hannah called. She has a new boyfriend. She wanted to tell me last Saturday in person, but couldn’t bring herself to do it. He’s called Rob and works with her. That’s all she said about it. She didn’t apologise, I guess she doesn’t really need to, we’re not going out, it’s her decision. It does make a mockery of the “I just need to be single for a while,” speech she gave me when we split up though.
I’m so fucking miserable. I thought she still loved me.
I feel sick.
Sunday 29th of November
Nothing happened today. It was shit.
Monday 30th of November
Got on with my work today. Doing anything I can to distract myself from it all. Unfortunately nothing is working and I feel like smashing things up.
Feel sick every time I think about it.
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