Monday 1st March
Just burnt myself with a spoon. Panda was making a cup of tea and asked why I was moping around the house “like a complete mong.” I told him Hannah’s pissed me off. He paused before saying: “Right… still moaning about her. Didn’t she dump you like a year ago?” It was seven months you complete prick! I didn’t say that to him. I didn’t say anything, and eventually he went back to the festering pit that is his room.
I poured some water from the kettle into a mug and placed the spoon he had been using inside. I then took it out and pressed it into the back of my hand. It really hurt.
Better go to work. Really don’t want to deal with it, but if I don’t turn up I’ll get fired.
Awful day. The others pussyfooted around me, which only served as a reminder that something was wrong. The new girl replacing James, Rachel, is an idiot. She got on well with Beth, so she must be an idiot. She said hello to me, but I avoided contact with her for the rest of the day. Last thing I need is another idiot in my life. They’re all idiots. I’m an idiot.
Jack kept commenting on how fit she was: “she’s gonna get ruined,” he kept saying. Snakes with tits, that’s all they are.
Tuesday 2nd March
Went in the Co-op this morning. All the shelves had been neatly stacked, obviously by some worker last night earning two pounds an hour. I pushed all the tins in as I walked up and down the aisles.
Burnt myself with a spoon again in the work kitchen. I also punched the sharp metal runner bit on my drawer. I chickened out of hitting it as hard as wanted to, but it still broke the skin.
They’re all going out for welcome drinks with Rachel on Friday. I’m not going – she’s not welcome. She’s one of those annoying girls who finds a way to bring her boyfriend into every conversation.
Wednesday 3rd March
Drove to Mum and Dad’s for dinner. Didn’t put my seatbelt on. It felt weird but strangely liberating. Briefly considered smashing through the front of Hannah’s house as I passed her road. I could have crashed into the living room, sending my body flying through the windscreen. I would have landed in a bloody heap on her lap where I could have told her to go fuck herself, before dying. I didn’t know if she was in though.
I need to go to the doctor about my finger. I think it’s going to fall off. If it does, I’ll send it to Hannah.
Thursday 4th March
I’m so miserable. I wish I could just erase it all. I just want it all to stop.
Beth kept asking if I was coming out for Rachel’s welcome drinks tomorrow. I fixed her with a dead look in my eyes and told her in a sinister tone that I might not be around. She said that would be a shame and went back to her desk. If I killed myself I hope she’d feel guilty for being so ignorant and failing to spot a cry for help. I feel like doing it just to spite her.
Sally seems lonely without James here anymore. Good.
Friday 5th March
Stupid bloody drinks tonight. I just know I’ll get bullied into going.
Back from the drinks… I don’t know why I do it to myself. It was an awful experience, as expected.
I kept worrying that I was going to see Hannah. Luckily I didn’t. I don’t know what I would have done if I had – probably attacked her.
Martyn didn’t go. Not sure why. He did tell me, but I didn’t listen.
For someone who’s new to the company, Rachel didn’t make much effort to socialise with me. In fact, it felt like she was purposefully keeping away from me. Stuck up bitch.
James was there. I didn’t really consider that, because he’s still going out with Sally, and isn’t actually moving to London for his new job, I’d still see him nearly as much as I used to. If you’re gonna leave you should leave properly.
The dick joked about how upset I was at his leaving drinks and hoped I wouldn’t cry now that I’m seeing him again. Everyone laughed, even the new girl laughed. I left after that. Didn’t even say goodbye. There was a pint glass on a table outside The Ship when I walked past. No one else was around so I pushed it over. I ran off as it smashed on the ground.
Saturday 6th March
I keep fantasising about being dead. Imagined conversations keep popping into my head where friends say: “Have you heard about Gareth?… he’s dead!” I’m not imagining me killing myself, I always die in some kind of accident, like getting hit by a car or shot during a robbery at the paper shop. It would be easier to be dead. I’m sick of being miserable.
Ed and Panda don’t help things – almost every night one or the other of them can be heard fucking in the next rooms. Ed with Lisp-o-tron, and Panda with whatever he manages to lure back. Ed did ask if I wanted to talk about it, but he looked so bored with the whole thing that I said no. I’d rather he just ignored me than feigned interest, at least Panda doesn’t do that, although he did tell me to “stop moping after that stupid twat,” which isn’t exactly any better.
Sunday 7th March
In such a miserable mood. Needed a piss but couldn’t be bothered to go upstairs, so pissed out of the back door.
Ed and Panda are going to The Ship. They asked if I fancied joining them. I said no.
Just slammed my fingers in my desk drawer – they’re all red and painful now with dents along the top of them.
Think I’ll go to The Ship after all, at least I’ll be distracted from the misery.
Rob was there! Can I not escape this fucking bullshit?!!!!! He was with a load of his mates who all looked like complete twats. They laughed at everything he said. I should have laughed my fist into his fucking face – instead I hid in a corner of the pub until he left, like the useless coward that I am.
Feel sick every time I think about it all. Been listening to Will You on repeat for about an hour, makes me want to kill myself, or others.
Just got a text from Jack. He’s been texting Beth all day and now he’s on his way to meet her down the pub. I asked if Martyn was going, his reply was: “No, the porker is all mine. Gonna cut me a side of bacon.” I took that to mean he’s gonna try and get off with her.
He won’t get off with her, she’s flirty but at the end of the day she does love Martyn.
Jack texted again – he just fingered her underneath the table and now they’re going back to his.
I used to secretly root for him to smash her, now the thought of it makes me want to cry – not because she’s a pig, it’s just a horrible thing to do. She shouldn’t do it to Martyn, and he shouldn’t lead Beth along. He doesn’t want to go out with her, he just wants to get his nob wet.
I should have told Jack to leave her alone when he started this whole stupid plan. I’m not even that close to Martyn but it’s not fair on him. It’s not fair on anyone when it happens… can’t believe this is actually making me cry. Women are bitches, and Jack’s a douche.
Think I’ve lost my mind – going to Jack’s.
Back from Jack’s. His sister answered the door, I hadn’t met her before – she looked at me like I was a piece of shit. I asked if Jack was in, she said he’d gone down the pub and didn’t know when he’d be back. I asked if I could wait for him, she said: “No. I don’t know who you are. Why would I let you wait for him?” Then closed the door. Arsehole.
I waited in the street for about half an hour before texting Jack to ask how it was going. Didn’t get a reply so went home. Failed at that too.
Caught my coat on the gate as I got to the house, ended up kicking it off its hinges.
I’m hoping they changed their minds, or she saw sense. It doesn’t take long to walk to Jack’s from town, so I can’t have missed them. Texted Beth asking if she knew where Martyn was, as I wanted get hold of him. Hopefully that will guilt trip her into not banging Jack.
Been hours and not heard anything from either of them.
Just gone eleven and Jack’s finally texted: “Mission accomplished. Fill you in tomorrow.” I don’t want to be filled in! The whole thing makes me feel sick. Maybe I’ll take tomorrow off.
Monday 8th March
Went into work, not been that long since my last sickies, so probably bad form to take another. Jack had a big smile on his face. Beth looked terrible, even more so than usual, and was quiet all day – if you want to get away with your infidelity, love, then you better stop acting so guilty. Whore.
Martyn was the same as ever, so he obviously hasn’t noticed anything’s up. Jack was all smiles around him in the kitchen, laughing at his jokes and then giving me a wink when his back was turned… it was pretty nasty, actually. Don’t flaunt it in the guy’s face!
The new girl said hello. Jack said I should try and bang her, I told him she has a boyfriend and it wouldn’t be right. He said it’s down to her if it’s right or not and that I’m a single man and should try to get whatever I can. She is fit, I guess, but I still won’t.
Jack kept trying to give me the gory details of his session with Beth. I managed to avoid them all day. I don’t think I want to know, not any more.
Chipped one of Ed’s favourite glasses. It would have cut your lips open if you’d tried to drink from it, so I took it down the end of the garden and fucked it against the back of next door’s shed. Ed will assume Panda lost it, or sold it. The paddling pool stinks and looks absolutely foul. I’d gladly help pack it away if the other two would, but Panda’s such a little bitch that he won’t.
Ed asked if I knew what happened to the gate. I played dumb.
Tuesday 9th March
Rachel was well pissed off today. I was stuck in the kitchen with her and she was bitching about Andy giving her a load of work not mentioned when she took the job. She managed to bring up her boyfriend three times during the conversation.
Wednesday 10th March
Rachel didn’t come in today – she’s not going to make a very good impression if she’s playing hooky this soon.
Jack’s desperate to tell me what went on with Beth, I’ve never seen him so excited. Managed to avoid the conversation – had to pretend I had a lot of work to do, which I have, but I didn’t do any of it – just pretended I did.
Thursday 11th March
No Rachel again, I wonder if she’s alright. I asked Beth if she’d heard from her – she hadn’t. Beth looked awful. On top of the usual mess that is her physical appearance, she looked completely distraught. If ever there was proof that you should watch what you wish for, then she is it. I’m surprised Martyn hasn’t worked out something’s been going on – you only need to look at her to know something’s up. It’s her own fault she feels so bad. Rule one, don’t cheat on your partner.
Friday 12th March
We all had an email from Andy, Rachel has quit and won’t be coming back. He didn’t say why, but we all know it’s because this company take you for a complete ride by making you do things that don’t fall under your job description.
Jack was disappointed – after having Beth, he’d turned his attention to Rachel. I’m not bothered; it’s one less person to rub their happy content life in my face.
I’m so annoyed at having to keep working through my lunch hour just to avoid Jack telling me what he got up to with Beth. He tried to get me to go out for a pint after work to fill me in about how he filled her in. Luckily I had real plans at Mum and Dad’s, so I could turn him down. I had to say I’d meet him in town tomorrow though. Unfortunately, like Beth’s fat-person-smell, there’s no getting away from it.
Saturday 13th March
Woke up to Ed shouting through my door telling me to tidy the kitchen. I ignored him and am waiting in my room for him to go out before I head downstairs to get breakfast. Panda asked what was up with me leaving the kitchen in a state – he’s one to talk! I could have burdened him with my misery, but after his comments the other day, I decided it’s best not to tell him anything. Panda can’t be trusted to react with any kind of sympathy – he once told someone with Cerebral Palsy to get over themselves.
Got to go and meet Jack. Arse.
I now know more about Beth than I ever hoped to. I told him I didn’t want a blow by blow account of their time together, but he took great pleasure in filling me in on every single blow.
Firstly, what the hell is wrong with her? If I was a girl and he’d tried to do half the stuff he did with her to me, then I would have slapped him and walked out, especially as it was their first ‘date’.
After they’d touched each other up in the pub, they were going to go back to his, but when Beth revealed her house was empty the plan changed, which is why I missed them.
Apparently, whenever he gets a ‘pig’ in the sack, he likes to see how far he can push them before they say no to something. He scored Beth nine out of ten, because she wouldn’t let him piss on her, but she did let him put her mobile phone inside her, and then call it on vibrate. Disgusting. FUCKING DISGUSTING! The worst part is that I texted her after I left Jack’s place and there’s a very good chance that my message helped bring her off. Gross!
I’m trying to blank it all out, I’m not sure I’ll ever sleep again after his description of her fingering her own… I’m not even gonna write it down – they don’t deserve the ink it will waste.
I’m not against any of it, I did loads of stuff with Hannah, it’s just giving me haunting images of Beth that I could do without.
Sunday 14th March
I’m so sick of my life!!! Had a fight with Panda and Ed this morning. Woke up in a really bad mood and when Ed asked if I’d seen his glass, I confessed I’d smashed it. He had a massive go at me. I told him to fuck off and stormed back to my room. He followed and pushed me on the stairs making me stack it. I saw red and pushed him back before storming into the kitchen and smashing the rest of his precious glasses.
Panda heard all the commotion, came downstairs, saw what was happening and then proceeded to clothes-line me onto the floor. Ed was still trying to attack me, so Panda had to let go of me and get Ed in a headlock. I then ran out of the house, fuming and shouting abuse at them both as I left. I walked into town and was still livid by the time I got to The Ship. Somehow I knew that prick who stole my girlfriend would be in there, so went in ready to kick his face off. He was in there alright, surround by all his mates with Hannah hanging onto his arm and gazing lovingly into his eyes.
I left and walked home, feeling like a complete loser and an arsehole for being a dick to Ed. It takes a lot to make him angry, and he was fuming, so obviously I’m the biggest douche in the world. We’ve made up now, although it’s still pretty tense.
Someone should just put me out of my misery. I’m pointless.
Monday 15th March
Back to work. I hate my job. I really should start looking for something new. Beth’s still moping around like the cheating scumbag she is. She deserves Martyn finding out, and then him dumping her. I wonder who would win in a fight between Jack and Martyn? Martyn has an obvious weight advantage, whereas I think Jack would have the speed. If I told Martyn what they’d done, I’d get to find out… it’s tempting.
Saw Beth using her phone at lunch – absolutely disgusting!
Tuesday 16th March
A replacement for Rachel started today, an Indian lady called Meena. She seems nice enough… not as fit as Rachel was, but at least she doesn’t go on about having a boyfriend every ten minutes. She must be about the same age as Hilary. She isn’t as fit as Hilary either. I should try and penetrate Hilary again – if I don’t have sex soon I think I’m going to die. I’ll have to resort to a hooker at this rate.
Wednesday 17th March
Things are still tense between Ed and me. It’s like being in the bad books with your mum and dad. I’m finding myself having to tiptoe around him. It was only some glasses. Even if they were his favourite ones, it’s not a reason to make me feel bad constantly.
Thursday 18th March.
Hannah’s birthday next week. I hope she gets cancer.
I’m still worried about how she might have given me some awful STD or something. If she’s the kind of person who fucks around behind your back, then god knows if she was using precautions. I bet Rob’s AIDs’d up to the max and now I’ve got it.
Just spent ten minutes looking at my nob. There is a part of it that’s slightly redder than I remember. I bet that’s it – some hideous infection. I should go to a clinic if I’m worried, but I really don’t fancy it. Knowing my luck, I’d bump into someone I know.
Friday 19th March
I can’t do this anymore. My fucking camera’s been nicked!
Haven’t used it for ages so thought I should literally dust it off and have a play around with it. Turned my room upside down but couldn’t find it anywhere. My first thought was that Panda had stolen and sold it, but he hasn’t done anything like that for ages – that we know of. Then I thought it might be Ed in retaliation for the glasses. Both of them deny all knowledge.
It must have been during Panda’s party. Whilst I was downstairs looking for that girl that jizzed in my mouth, someone must have snuck into my room and taken it. This is un-fucking-believable. I’m so angry! It cost me £550! All I’m left with now is the shitty extra lens I got off eBay – even the thief knew that was a worthless piece of crap not worth taking.
It’s typical of the scumbags Panda hangs out with. I should have stayed in my room like Ed.
I’m so fucking angry!!!! I hope Hannah dies. It always comes back to that bitch. If she had never left me I wouldn’t have been sniffing around that blonde-haired snake at the party.
Saturday 20th March
Pretty much stayed in my room all day. Didn’t even open the curtains ‘til 2pm. Just sat in the dark-light watching Ever Decreasing Circles. I’m like Martin, only more pathetic… although he is banging Anne, and she’s definitely a MILF… although they don’t have kids, not until the last episode anyway.
Jack texted asking if I wanted to go to the pub. Fuck off Jack. Ask Beth if you’re desperate for company.
Sunday 21st March
Went into town. Moped about in a really bad mood then bought a massive box of chicken nuggets from McDonalds and stuffed the slaughtered meats into my fat, useless face.
It really worries me that the official logo for the Ronald McDonald House Charity depicts a gloved hand leading a child away. I don’t think they properly thought that one through.
Monday 22nd March
Hannah’s birthday today. I went into town to get her a card. Couldn’t find a card with ‘whore’ written on the front, so I went with the traditional ‘Happy Birthday’ and wrote ‘I hope you die in a horrific car crash’ underneath in big black letters. I posted it, but only addressed it to ‘Hannah’, so it will never get to her. Made me feel a bit better though. I wish she would die. I hope the pair of them do.
Tuesday 23rd March
Panda’s DJing in Norwich next weekend and asked if Ed and I wanted to go. I initially said no, but then I saw how keen Ed was to have the house to himself, so he could do God knows what with Schindler’s Lisps, so I said I’d go – to help make amends for the glasses. I remember how much I used to love having the house to myself when I was with Hannah – of course the fact that she was fucking someone behind my back at the same time has since taken the shine off it all.
Wednesday 24th March
Can’t believe someone nicked my camera. I never have any luck. Only time I’ve ever had any luck was when Hannah agreed to go out with me… there was also that time I won two grand.
So down today. Pushed a fork into my hand as hard as I could. Strangely it didn’t just make four little indentations as expected – they were all joined together by an indented groove running between them, but no part of the fork had touched it there. Stabbed myself again to see exactly what was going on to make the mystery mark. Turns out that as the prongs pushed the flesh deeper, the skin between them also pushed down but sort of folded in around the edges as well, causing a mini trench… analysing this is just one of the many reasons why I’m a loser.
Had lunch in a cafe on my own. An incredibly stupid woman was sat at another table with her friend. A bloke came in and the woman asked him seven times: “Are you coming tonight Paul?” The man eventually answered: “Yes I’m coming.” He then asked if she was coming – she wasn’t. What the fuck waste of space, pointless, crappy, boring, meaningless-arsed conversation was that? If she wasn’t going wherever the hell it was, what did it matter if Paul was going? His phone then rang: “Your phone Paul,” she said. He can fucking hear it! I wanted to punch her. I think Paul wanted to punch her too. I hate people so much.
Bought some Start for dinner. Looking at it sat in the bowl reminded me of Hannah, so I gave it to Panda. He says he’ll get me laid when we go to Norwich. Good. I’m sick of not having my penis in anyone all the time.
Thursday 25th March
Meena keeps flirting with Jack. Why does everyone always flirt with Jack? I asked Hilary what she was up to this weekend. She didn’t have any plans. If I had an ounce of courage in me, I’d have suggested we do something together. Instead I just said: “I’m sure you’ll find something,” and walked away.
Mark and Emma are going to Mum and Dad’s this Sunday, I guess I should go too. I hope Liz isn’t going.
Friday 26th March
Spent the whole day waiting for the inevitable email from Beth, inviting me out for drinks with everyone. It got to the end of the day and nothing! I guess she doesn’t want to initiate anything that could lead to her having to spend time with Jack.
With no group outing planned, Jack asked if I wanted to hang out. He suggested I go to his. Now I’ve met his sister I don’t really want to go to his ever again, but I couldn’t be bothered to make alternate plans, so I’m heading over there in a bit.
Saturday 27th March
Just ended up watching TV at Jack’s last night. Luckily his sister was out. She’s actually quite attractive, I’ve realised after looking at some photos of her. It’s a shame that as soon as she opens her mouth you just want to kick her in the head.
Went to the library to see if they had ‘Indian in the Cupboard’. Remember reading it years ago and enjoying it. They had it so I took it out.
Someone had dropped some cake, or something, on the floor and a member of staff was trying to tidy it up with one of those small push vacuums that you don’t plug in. She smashed the cake into a million tiny fragments as she dragged the hoover back and forth over it, spreading them across an area a meter wide. She then walked off. Nice one love. Job done!
Panda saw Indian in the Cupboard on the table when he got in. “Why did you never read about the boy having to clean up little shits that the Indian had left around the place?” was his comment.
Sunday 28th March
Went to Mum and Dad’s. Liz was there but luckily she was happy to ignore me, so I could return the favour. I could tell the effort of having to play happy families was stressing Mum out.
We all thanked them for the lunch, and commented on how nice it tasted as we sat around the dining room table. All Liz said was that chickens were ugly animals. How is that an appropriate thing to say????!!! I hate her.
Monday 29th March
I’m so sick of these ‘Keep Calm And Carry On’ things. When is someone going to say enough is enough? Just seen ‘Keep Calm And Buy A Sausage Roll’ in a baker’s window! It’s shit like that that makes me surprised we ever won a war.
Tuesday 30th March
Not long now. Luckily it’s Bank Holiday on Friday, so I don’t have to use up a day off to travel up to Norwich with Panda. I hope he’s as good as his word when he says he’ll get me laid.
I’m really hungry. I’ve got to start having more than just sandwiches for lunch and dinner.
Wednesday 31st March
Martyn’s an idiot. He greeted me this morning with this little piece of genius:
Martyn: “It’s April the first today.”
Me: “No it’s not.”
Martyn: “April Fool!”
Me: “That doesn’t work.”
Martyn: “Or are you just a sore loser?”
I think the response he wanted from me was: ”Is it?” Unfortunately for Martyn, I own a calendar.
He’s such a ridiculous man. I sometimes think a car crash would be a kindness to him.
I’m getting nervous about the weekend. I’m tempted to blow it off – I hate clubs and, as a rule, people that go to them. It’s not the most tempting recipe for a fun few days.
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