Tuesday 1st June
Beth was back on the sausage rolls today. If I’d known, I’d have got one too and then tried to match her eating pace. Hopefully tomorrow.
It feels good to not be thinking about girls. They take up far too much brain space. When you haven’t got one, you spend all your time worrying about where the next one will come from, and when you’re with one, you spend half your time trying to ignore the things that piss you off. A break from all that stuff is what I need, and not just a ‘see what happens’ break. No more girls!
Actually cooked myself a proper dinner for the first time in ages. Did vegetables and everything. Felt nice to not go to bed starving or bloated from junk food.
Wednesday 2nd June
What happened to Greebos? No one mentions them anymore. Around 1998 they were all the rage. Todd was one. I wonder what happened to him? I wore a few bangles, but I don’t think I was classed as one myself. Not sure what I was… a ‘Rocker’? ‘Loser’? Perhaps the Emos destroyed the Greebos when they rose up, like an army of freaks.
Ed’s such a mother fucker sometimes. He can really do my head in just by talking.
Bought a sausage roll but Beth didn’t.
Thursday 3rd June
Bought a sausage roll on the way in, just in case Beth got one at lunch – she didn’t. It’s not a problem, because they taste delicious. The only worry is that if I keep having to eat one every day, just in case the blob has one, then I’m going to reach fourteen stone before I know it. Need to start running. I should buy those shoes. I saved money by not visiting that whore, so perhaps I should treat myself?
Friday 4th June
Sally asked if Martyn, Jack and I wanted to go down the pub with James tonight. As much as we got on with each other, since he left, I really haven’t been bothered about seeing him again. Funny how quickly people become irrelevant to you once they’re out of your life. I lied and told her I had family commitments, but another weekend for sure, as it would be great to see him again.
Ended up at Jack’s. His sister was in. She wasn’t nearly so horrible now that I was in context. She even apologised for being rude the previous time. In the flesh, she looks a lot like Jack. I don’t think they’re twins, but there’s certainly a resemblance.
Saturday 5th June
Tidied my room today. Threw out so much old crap. Don’t know why I was hanging on to half of it. Usually I’m really careful when I tidy my room, slowly sorting through each item, and dusting and polishing every surface – I never usually get further than completing a small corner. This time I just went in there with a bin liner and threw great handfuls of toot into the bag. The wardrobe was the biggest thing to sort through, as a lot of stuff had been put in there to give the illusion of tidiness for Kirsty’s visit.
I kept Hannah related photos and love letters, but put them in the box at the bottom of the cupboard, where I keep the memories of other girlfriends past. I chucked other mementos relating to her though, like the little head-spinning guy thing and the pairs of her knickers. Is it weird that I had a big smell of them before I cast them out? They were clean.
Had a load of old magazines too, which mostly contained pictures of women I used to knock one out over and couldn’t bring myself to throw away. The time had come for them to finally hit the sack – it wasn’t in the way I’d wanted, but at least we’d had some good times together. I can get them all on the internet now anyway – if I ever have a craving for Alyson Hannigan, FHM February 2001.
Found a pair of shoes at the bottom of the wardrobe that I’d forgotten I had – I’ll have to start wearing those beauties!
Put the rubbish lens on eBay. I’m sick of seeing it. It just reminds me of being ripped off and having my camera nicked. I hope the cow that sold it to me is dead… or her son is. I listed it correctly, describing all its faults (of which there are many). I’ll get less money that way, but at least the winner won’t have a nasty surprise when they open it up.
Panda’s seeing Rachel tonight! He just casually mentioned in passing that “that Rachel Bird and her boyfriend ‘The Mong’” are coming down tonight to hear his set. Neither of us can try it on with her because she has a boyfriend – and I’m off women altogether – but it still made me quite jealous. I said I’d come down too – the music may be shit… and the atmosphere… and usually the company, but… I’m not sure there is a positive. I’ll still go though.
Just got back. Joe’s still incredibly dull, but at least when he’s there, Rachel doesn’t go on and on about him. I really don’t get what his hook is. Next time I see them I should ask how they got together. If he didn’t save her life in some way and, out of gratitude, she went out with him, then she’s got a lot to answer for.
It’s a shame she quit work: she’s actually quite nice. Andrew was taking liberties though, piling on a load of extra things that James never used to have to do, so I don’t blame her for going.
We all swapped numbers… well, Rachel asked to take mine down, so I gave it to her, then she drop called me and I stored hers. Joe then asked if I wanted his. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, so said: “Sure,” and took it down. Won’t be needing that ever.
Can’t believe how tidy my room is. I even tuned my guitar. It needs new strings really, but I think I accidently chucked the fresh pack during the clear out. I should play it more. I miss not playing every week.
Sunday 6th June
Mark came round to knock out some PS3 action. I think he was having a nightmare with Liz and wanted to get away from it all. I tend to only hear from him when he’s having a bad time. Still, it’s good to actually have a reason to play games, I never seem to find the time to play these days, and when I do I feel guilty that I should be out there, making something of my life.
Note to self: stop going to The Ship. Only saw Rob and his friends there this time, but that’s still enough of a reason not to venture in on a Sunday. Stupid feeling like I can’t go somewhere just because he’s inside. He probably doesn’t know who I am, so I don’t know why I’m bothered. We’ve never met, and I doubt Hannah was showing him pictures of me. He might have seen a photo of me if he was ever in her bedroom whilst we were dating, there were pictures of me in there, although she’d probably cover them over if he did… I hope she covered them over.
I wonder if he knew she was cheating on me with him? I bet he did.
Monday 7th June
Finally coincided with Beth on the sausage roll front. I tried matching her bite for bite. Forty seconds in, I had to let her take the lead. She may most likely die young, but the rate at which she can consume sausage wrapped in pastry is something that will live on in my mind long after worms have eaten her flesh. Bravo Beth, bravo!
Tuesday 8th June
Mark came round again. Things must be going badly with Liz. Good.
Wednesday 9th June
Beth’s definitely put on weight. Jack reckons it’s comfort eating, because she misses him so much. I just think it’s greed.
Stayed up and watched Freddy VS Jason with Ed and Panda. I remember it being a lot better in the cinema. We’ve decided to watch all the Nightmare On Elm Streets. No doubt they’ll seem crap these days. Number one might stand up. Number six definitely won’t.
Thursday 10th June
Rachel texted, wanting to know if Panda was playing this weekend. I told her ‘playing’ was a very generous term for what he does, and ‘pressing play’ would be more on the money. That aside, he ‘plays’ most weekends, so I told her no doubt something will be going on, if she’s bored.
Her and Joe are having a barbecue on Sunday and she says we’re both invited. If Panda goes, I’ll go – I’m not turning up on my own, having to make small talk with people I don’t know is too exhausting.
Friday 11th June
Panda’s up for the barbecue. Not sure if I should extend the invitation to Ed. It’s not really my invitation to extend. He probably won’t want to go. It will give him a chance to have the house to himself with Lisp. He can bang her in the toilet like Panda sometimes does with the girls he brings back.
Saturday 12th June
There are so many dead flies and insects in the paddling pool that it looks like it’s been tarmaced.
Rachel’s barbecue tomorrow. I guess I should take some beers or something.
She’s going to regret inviting Panda, I know that much.
Sunday 13th June
Good barbecue! Decided to approach it with a positive attitude and it really paid off. I actually actively made conversation with people I didn’t know. Some of Rachel’s mates were really cute and going in with the attitude that I wasn’t going to try and pull any of them gave me the confidence to chat them up and make them laugh. A couple of them seemed interested in me… one of them definitely did, but I decided to just enjoy the flirting, rather than push for anything more.
I left alone at the end of the evening, but it was my choice. Weird how purposefully not pulling is the only thing that’s really made me happy in the last… god knows how long.
I was quite the hero when I arrived. Men were gathered around the barbecue trying to get it alight. As a seasoned pyromaniac in my youth, I could see the error of their ways immediately – not enough oxygen getting between the coals. It was another fifteen minutes (and two very quick cans of lager) before I sauntered over and said: “You need to re-stack your coals.” No man likes being criticised when he’s attempting to create fire, but I had beer-courage and as some of the girls looked on, I dismantled the pile of black rocks and half burnt firelighters and restacked them into a pyramid with a firelighter centre and space to breathe. All it took was one match to the firelighter entrance I’d made and it was done. I did burn my thumb quite badly as I restacked the coals they had been trying to light, but I didn’t let on, and managed to maintain my image as the ‘Fire Fonz.’
Was talking to Joe about how he got together with Rachel. Apparently they’ve been together for five years, but have had a couple of breaks in that time. They’ve been living together for two years and the last break was during that time. Must have been awkward living under the same roof when you’re not getting on. It’s bad enough when it happens to me with Panda or Ed, yet alone someone you’re nobbing. I didn’t ask what caused the breaks. Knowing women the way I do, it was probably someone else’s penis.
I still can’t work out what she sees in him. He’s not funny. Surely everyone wants to laugh in a relationship? I guess he’s quite intelligent, and I suppose that can be a turn on. He often brings up stuff from the news that I’ve seen as I pass the papers outside the little shop. Reading between the lines, I also think he’s got a cock-load of cash. They share the house with another couple, but it’s a huge pad. I could never afford to live there… I can barely afford to live where I do, and that’s with a special rate through Panda.
Panda did his usual thing of being the life and soul of the party, right up until he took the duvet and pillows from Joe and Rachel’s bed, jumped into the paddling pool with them and shouted: “Bed bath!” Rachel saw the funny side of it. Joe didn’t. Luckily I managed to convince Panda to leave before fists started flying (mainly Panda’s).
Monday 14th June
Saw Hannah today. She was in HIV at lunchtime, browsing the CDs. I’d gone in to see if they had the Nightmare On Elm Street box set for cheap. When I saw her, I initially walked out and went into Boots opposite to hide, but as I stood near the aisle where we once bought our first multipack of condoms, I realised I didn’t care if we saw each other. It would be weird, but at the end of the day, I didn’t do anything wrong – she’s the one who cheated, so she’s the one who should be hiding by the jonnies. I had to take a couple of minutes to come to that conclusion, but in the end I took my pride and went into the shop to find the boxset, and possibly my freedom. Hannah had gone by then, but I still consider it a moral victory.
She was looking really fit, annoyingly. I definitely look worse than I used to.
Jack was off sick.
Tuesday 15th June
Rachel texted me a picture of a mint Feast at lunchtime. We’d been talking about them at the barbecue and I was firmly under the belief that you could no longer buy them. She’d written: ‘I told you you could still get them!’ I texted her back saying: ‘That picture could have come from anywhere. I bet if I Google ‘Mint Feast’ that will be the first picture that comes up.’ She then texted a picture of her holding the Feast up to her mouth. ‘That could have been taken a couple of years ago,’ I replied. She then sent another picture of her eating the Feast and holding up a copy of today’s Sun under her chin. ‘You can get fake papers printed anywhere these days,’ I said. She responded with: ‘Bad loser :p’
I need to find out where they’re selling those mint Feasts. What I also need is a lemonade Sparkle, but I’m pretty sure those have definitely been discontinued.
Still no Jack. Ended up having lunch with Martyn and Beth. She seems much happier when Jack’s off.
Wednesday 16th June
Jack was back in today – came off his bike! He looked pretty messed up, with plasters and bandages all over him. Nothing was broken, but he said he left a lot of his skin on the road. Beth looked pleased. I haven’t used my bike in ages, should get back on it – although seeing the state of Jack now kind of puts you off. He’s lucky he was wearing a helmet.
Told him about the barbecue at Rachel’s and how weird Joe is. I told him I couldn’t understand why they’re together – “Big cock,” was his guess. Jack doesn’t remember her going on about Joe all the time – “I was probably too busy looking at her arse to notice.”
Thursday 17th June
Simon texted asking what I was up to this weekend and if I wanted to go for a pint. Thought about it for the day and in the end decided what the hell! If it all starts again, I’ll just leave. I’m at the point where I don’t need him, but if things can go back to how they were, then that would be nice.
Friday 18th June
Ed’s in his room having an argument with Lisp.
Lisp’s just left in a huff.
More PS3 with Mark this evening. I think this spells the end for him and Liz. Usually it starts with him seeing me every now and then for a few hours. They he’ll start sleeping over. Then I’ll see him every other day. Then he splits up with the girl, goes back to Mum and Dad’s and we’ll hang out a fair bit. Then he’ll meet someone new and I won’t hear from him for ages. Round and round, every time the same.
Saturday 19th June
Meeting Simon at one. It’s stupid that I feel nervous.
Back from seeing Simon. It was OK! Weird at first, kind of like when you see an ex, but it didn’t take long before we were talking away just like the old days.
We sidestepped any awkward points, which probably wasn’t the healthiest thing to do, but I think we both wanted to just have a nice time in each other’s company, just like we used to. He’s got a girlfriend now. He was shocked that Hannah and I had split. I didn’t tell him she cheated on me, just said her feelings for me had changed and the best thing to do was to move on.
We left saying we’d do it again, and I think we probably will. It’s good that he seems through the worst part of his depression. It’s hard to tell, but I think he’s re-evaluated what’s important in life and come to realise that you don’t have to tear everything apart to be true to what you believe in.
Sunday 20th June
I don’t know what was wrong with dinner last night, but I nearly killed Panda with a fart before only just making it to the loo.
Monday 21st June
Feeling better today, luckily. Nothing worse than bad guts at work.
Mark stayed over last night. I asked what was going on with Liz. He said her mum’s stirring things up between them. What kind of mum does that? He didn’t say what exactly she was stirring up – load of bullshit probably if she’s as big of a bitch as her daughter.
I need to find a few more meals to add to my repertoire – had the same meal three times last week. It’s good that I’m actually cooking proper things for myself, but I need to shake it up a bit. Might go into Waterstones and get a cheap cook book.
Tuesday 22nd June
Found a mint Feast! Couldn’t believe it. Sent a picture to Rachel with the message: “OK, you win.” She came back with: “I always win. How’s your day going?”
Exchanging texts made the afternoon go really quickly. Doesn’t sound like she’s enjoying her new job. I told her that if she quits, she can be my PA. I just need someone to pick what clothes I wear each day and keep me in a steady supply of mint Feasts.
She’s challenged me to a Feast eating competition. First one to eat all the ice cream off it, leaving just a solid, unbroken chocolate centre, wins. It’s so on!
Wednesday 23rd June
Went to the library. That man/woman nutcase on the mobility scooter was tearing around the aisles again. Just because he/she’s a backwards flid, the staff won’t tell it to stop it. They’re all nice to it, asking how it is and so on. Ban it you twats! It nearly knocked down an old woman!
Thursday 24th June
Beth looked really wide today, although it didn’t help that she was standing next to Sally, who’s so slim. Beth should stand next to bigger things to give the optical illusion that she’s thinner… like rhinos and barns.
We’re having a barbecue this Saturday. I was inspired by the fun I had at Rach and Joe’s, so suggested to Ed and Panda that we throw one and invite a few people. Ed and I made sure Panda understood there was a strict guest list and his untrustworthy, thieving, druggy, club friends were not to attend.
I’m going to buy a bolt and padlock for my bedroom door, just in case.
I’m so bored of The World Cup. People keep trying to talk to me about it.
Friday 25th June
Really nice hot day today. Girls everywhere were wearing very little. Everyone was in a good mood. The portable air-con units were delivered to the office so no one had to put up with wet patches under their arms – apart from Beth. I hope it’s like this for the barbecue.
It’s tough to decide who to invite. Ed’s got about ten people coming down. Panda has the same – including Big Steve! I invited Jack on Thursday, but told him not to let anyone else in the office know, as I wasn’t sure who I wanted to come. I don’t like the mixing of the friends. In the end I just invited Mark. I could have invited Martyn, but then I’d have to invite Beth, then Sally, then James, then who knows who else! Considered Simon, but it’s early days.
I texted Rachel, but Panda had already asked her. He didn’t mention Joe in his invite, so she asked if it was OK if he came. I don’t really want him sucking the life out of the place, but I couldn’t exactly say no.
Saturday 26th June
Jesus it’s hot today! Got to get things ready for the barbecue. Need a trip to Sainsburys to get meats, coals and booze. Need to fix the bolt to my bedroom door and need to sort out the garden, which means cleaning out the paddling pool. If all three of us just do it, then no one has to feel put out, and we get a nice clean paddling pool that people can go in. It’s been sat out there for about a year – it’s really time for something to be done about it.
The paddling pool is empty! Panda couldn’t be bothered to do it, but when we explained that girls will strip down to bikinis and get in a nice, clean, warm paddling pool, whereas they won’t strip down and get into a pool full of piss, sick and dead flies, he soon changed his tune and we picked it up and tipped that bugger out. Dead flies all over the fucking lawn!
Unfortunately, our old heavy lawnmower didn’t pick the flies up as I trundled it around. It cut the grass nicely enough, but just squashed the majority of the flies into the ground. Our broom had been destroyed long ago, and we never had a rake, so getting the dead flies up has proved problematic. We’ve kicked and scuffed them out of the way as best we can, but the garden still resembles a massive fruit shortcake biscuit.
Need to get changed and start the barbecue… maybe start the barbecue and then get changed, so I don’t stink of smoke all night.
Sunday 27th June
Good. Fucking. Barbecue! Usually there’s some kind of drama at these things, but this time it was all just nice. None of Panda’s arsehole mates turned up, so the place wasn’t trashed. All the girls there were sexy and, as predicted, some were happy to strip down and get wet in the paddling pool. Joe didn’t suck the life out of the place and actually seemed a little more lively than on previous encounters. The meats were good… well the ones on my shift were. People started cooking their own things later on in the proceedings, with varied success, but the sausages and burgers I was churning out, not to mention ribs, drumsticks and all that stuff, were done to perfection. I’m the king of barbecues.
Rachel was looking hot, and two of Panda’s friends were unbelievable! I stuck to my guns and concentrated on just having fun rather than chasing someone round and round, trying desperately (and no doubt failing) to get some kind of intimate interaction.
The only negative thing was all the dead flies, which some of the girls didn’t notice until they’d been standing on them in bare feet, and then had to pick them off. Panda also tried to heat the pool up by putting hot barbecue coals in the water. Luckily that was right at the very end of the evening, so the film of ash that covered the water didn’t spoil anyone’s enjoyment.
I’d bought two mint Feasts so Rachel and I battled it out in the ‘Mint Feast Fight’. She took an early lead, eating successfully around the edges before I’d cleared even the top (I think she’d been practicing). I caught up though when it came to scraping the ice cream off the front and back of the chocolate within – I think my teeth are better angled for that kind of work, where as Rachel’s are… straighter. I fucked it in the final few seconds though when I lost the bottom corner. I blame a structural default in the chocolate, Rachel says I’m just a loser.
Rach is into photography. I told her about my unhappy relationship with cameras over the past few months – I left out the whole driving to Brighton thing and vandalising that woman’s house, though.
Big Steve is still here. He’s staying down for the week, which is cool. I like Big Steve.
Lisp wasn’t there. Not sure what’s going on between those two.
Ended up watching England crash and burn out of the World Cup. I could not give less of a shit about all of it – Big Steve was nearly in tears, I’d hate to see him have to deal with a real problem.
Monday 28th June
Stop talking about the World Cup! We’re not in it anymore.
So hot today. Went into town but had to take refuge in the library to cool down. That man/woman nutcase was pissing everyone but the staff off by tearing around the aisles on his spaz-wagon. So annoying.
Tuesday 29th June
Updating my CV. Well I was, now I’m procrastinating by writing in here. Should get back to it really. Need. New. Job.
It’s nice having Big Steve in the house. Shame we don’t have a fourth bedroom, he could move down. He’s so easy to talk to.
Wednesday 30th June
Just about bumped into everyone I know in town at lunch today. First Claire Grover – luckily we didn’t stop to say anything other than ‘hello’. Then saw Rachel on her way to meet Joe. She invited me to join them but I needed to go to the post office. Saw James in the queue (he had the week off) and then saw Mum in the market. Mad.
Lisps of Fury is round and things seem to be fine between her and Ed, so whatever it was must have been sorted out. She’s probably cheating on him.
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