Monday 1st June
Hannah’s parents were out last night so she cooked a meal – a sort of pork dish with rice, it was very nice. Both of us had the back to school blues so we just watched TV for the remainder of the evening. Hannah didn’t really talk much; I think she’s as bored of her job as I am of mine.
Tuesday 2nd June
Sent Hannah a picture of my bed hair this morning to cheer her up before work – she likes it when it’s fluffy. She didn’t send a picture back but I got a couple of xx’s.
Was feeling spiteful this morning so when reception wasn’t looking I coloured the eyes of the page 3 girl in The Sun, black. Spent the rest of the day waiting for David Wilson to head downstairs, steal it and bring it back to his desk. The look on his face when he saw it was fantastic – annoyed and searching the room for the culprit but having no idea who it was. He didn’t tear it out to keep. I might have to do it again tomorrow – this could run and run.
Wednesday 3rd June
New security guy wasn’t in today so the best spot on the bike rack was mine once more – felt good to be back.
Coloured the page 3 girl in – this time I gave her some glasses. David slung it into the bin when he saw. Absolute gold – I’ve got a new hobby!
Thursday 4th June
Found David Wilson in reception when I arrived. He was examining the page 3 girl – no doubt checking for graffiti. He casually flicked through to the sport pages when he saw me. At around twelve o’clock I crept down and drew a big hairy bush over her muff and a Hitler ‘tache, he ripped it into about 30 pieces when he’d snuck it back to his desk.
Went to Sainsburys to get something for dinner, ended up buying Waffles – I haven’t had those for about ten years! I wonder if they still do Alphabites, they were great.
Friday 5th June
Saw Hannah this evening. She didn’t want to stay round which was disappointing – fancied a night in her own bed, she said. I told her that I don’t know whose bed she’s been sleeping in then, because it certainly isn’t mine – she didn’t laugh, whoops. I’ll be lucky if I see her for the rest of the weekend.
I really dislike the colour of the walls in my room.
Saturday 6th June
Just stood naked in front of my mirror for about ten minutes – when did I get so fat? I’m not like Rik Waller, or those fat fucks you see on Channel Five documentaries, just not very flat in the stomach. I need to buy some scales, or even better open a set in a shop and use them for free. I guess I’m around eleven and half stone.
Went into the local hardware shop and ponced a go on their scales – 13 stone! I was so miserable I had to comfort eat in McDonalds… maybe there should be a documentary on me.
Rang Hannah and told her my woes, she said it’s just a bit of a beer belly and that she likes me the way I am anyway. I’m not convinced. How do those men get a six-pack? It’s got to be steroids. I wonder if Panda can get me any steroids? He’s got a load of dodgy club mates who blow all kinds of funny shit up their arses.
Hannah came over this evening to cheer me up, but didn’t stay over again. She offered to go for a run with me, but after all the worrying about being fat I was too tired.
Now I know how Beth at work feels!
Sunday 7th June
Set my alarm last night to wake me up at 6:30am. I thought I could go for an early morning jog before the streets got filled with annoying twats. I let it snooze for five hours, eventually rising at 11:30. My alarm is set to play ‘Take On Me’ by A-ha, so I must have heard that annoying fucking pop intro 60 times before I decided enough was enough and turned it off. Panda said if I do that again he’ll kick the alarm down my throat – temper temper!
Decided to cook a roast for Ed, Panda and myself. Never cooked one before and I thought it was time to learn. Tasted fantastic, but my timings were a little off. Started off with peas and carrots, half an hour later the roast potatoes were ready, half an hour after that the chicken still wasn’t done so I turned the oven up. Found the gravy I meant to serve with the vegetables, so we had that in cups whilst we waited – a kind of meaty soup. Finally tucked into the chicken an hour and a half after starting the meal. Hannah laughed her head off when I told her.
Monday 8th June
Was woken up at 4am by Panda coming home and playing ‘Take On Me’ as loud as he could. Spiteful bastard!
I’m so tired of looking at the dirty and depressing walls of my office. I really need to find a better job.
James has kept himself to himself regarding his joke of a relationship. I actually found myself hoping he’d come over and bore me with how it’s going, just for some entertainment.
Beth ate a six pack of doughnuts for lunch – maybe I’m not that fat after all. I wonder if she’d eat something if I just left it near her desk?
Tuesday 9th June
Stopped off at the shop on the way to work this morning, bought a Snickers. No one was in when I got into the office so I put the Snickers on Beth’s desk – I wanted to see if she would eat something that wasn’t hers.
She spotted it as soon as she got in (must be some kind of radar). I watched as she casually glanced about the office and then placed it in her drawer. She waited until 4pm before she took it outside to eat. I watched through the window as she gorged herself on its nuts.
Hannah’s coming over this evening, managed to convince her to sleep over, even though it’s a school night. She’s gonna get a damn good seeing too.
Wednesday 10th June
After yesterday’s successful trial run, I decided to continue with the Beth experiment. I bought another Snickers and placed it exactly on the dividing line between hers and Kerry’s desk, highlighting that this, and indeed the previous Snickers, could well be Kerry’s.
Kerry got in first, noticed the Snickers but left it where it was. When Beth arrived, Kerry asked her if it was hers. Beth promptly said it was and had it with her morning coffee. Cheeky greedy bitch!
Thursday 11th June
Stepped the experiment up a gear. Chose a Twirl as the temptation, but this time I opened it and took a bite out of one of the sticks. I left it on Beth’s desk once more and waited for her arrival.
She noticed it straight away, but to my disappointment put it in the bin. Half an hour later she had fished it out and eaten the untouched stick. After lunch she consumed the other.
I’ll test her again, but need to leave it for a while first, otherwise she’ll think some secret admirer’s leaving her chocolate treats as some kind of romantic gesture.
Told Hannah all about the experiment. For some reason she ended up judging me more that Beth! This is a legitimate scientific experiment – I wonder if I can get her to eat something I leave in the toilet?
Friday 12th June
Hannah couldn’t see me tonight so I went down the pub with Martyn after work. Two planned pints turned into about six and now my diary is spinning arou…
Just been sick.
Saturday 13th June
Fuck I feel bad. Honestly, so bad. Didn’t do my trick of drinking my body weight in water.
Sunday 14th June
I have never had a hangover last as long as that one did. All-fucking-day long! It’s never been that bad! Is this what happens when you get older? I think it was the vodka Martyn suggested we finish the night off with. He told me something really strange or shocking or funny about his love life situation… I can’t for the life of me remember what it was though. I’m sure it will come back to me.
As I felt refreshed after my ‘lost day’ yesterday, I decided to go to a bootsale on my own. There’s something depressing about looking through other people’s shit when you don’t have a friend there to laugh about it with. I got half way round and felt like a complete pikey, so left.
Monday tomorrow. I must start looking for a new job. I feel like this every week and promise myself I’m going to do something about it, then a week goes past and I’m still in the same shithole.
Monday 15th June
Martyn got sucked off in a carpark! That’s what he told me on Friday. He met another girl on the internet and this one turned up to the date. Unfortunately she was really ugly and apparently nothing like her pictures, so he didn’t fancy her, he did, however, let her blow him at the back of Tescos, between two vans!
He was quick to find me this morning and make me promise not to tell anyone. I said only if he showed me the pictures of her she sent him before the date. I can see how he got duped – with the angle and the lighting, and the possible fact that it was a different person, she did look fit.
James is speaking to me again. I found him in the kitchen and to break the ice asked how it was going with Sally, “On and off,” he replied. I waited until he had left before I laughed. Still, he’s emailing me again – I never thought I would miss his random bullshit!
Tuesday 16th June
I’ve opened the flood gates; James is once more filling me in on every tedious detail of his relationship (or lack of one) with Sally. Apparently they’ve had sex twice but neither one of them has the courage to talk about if they are a proper couple. I bet she’s a good fuck!
Martyn emailed: ‘Do you think I should see that girl again?’ ‘The ugly one?’ I replied. ‘Yeah, I think you’ve just given me the answer though.’ Poor guy, all he wants is a girlfriend to love and care for him, and suck him off every now and then in a car park.
Wednesday 17th June
Felt more bored than normal today so decided to put another ‘Beth test’ into operation. Bought a box of 12 (cheap) doughnuts and put them in the kitchen. I then emailed Beth with: ‘Hey everyone, free doughnuts in the kitchen, help yourselves.’ She took the bait (literally), and by the end of the day 5 had gone – considering no one else received the email I can only guess that she ate five.
Thursday 18th June
Beth ate another 4 doughnuts today (I had 3). I’m going to stop the tests – I think she was crying in the toilets again.
Martyn spent most of the day emailing me pictures of girls from dating websites, saying: ‘What do you think of this one?’ Some of them were pretty fit; others looked like they’d passed through a bell jar and reformed on the inside.
David Wilson’s been getting a clean sweep of the page 3 girls this week – I think tomorrow I’ll have to do something special.
Friday 19th June
Glued a picture of Dean Gaffney’s face over the page 3 girl today. The noise of the paper hitting the bin when David saw it made everyone in the office look around in confusion. Get in there!
Exciting day today – boring weekend this weekend, but on the one after, Panda and Ed are going to be away and Hannah is staying over from Friday to Monday! Fucking yes! God I love that girl.
At the opposite end of the scale, Martyn is still having trouble finding someone to mate with. I suggested Beth, which he scarily considered as he walked away from my desk. Five minutes later he was over at hers, talking to her. He really is desperate.
Saturday 20th June
Tidied my room, washed my sheets, bought some new aftershave, bought Hannah some sexy underwear and changed my DVD arrangement from certificate to alphabetical order – a much better system I’ve begrudgingly come round to seeing.
Simon texted again, going on about how miserable and lonely he is – I think I’ll give him some space until he snaps out of it.
A batch loaf is just the best kind of bread, but you’ve only got about a 2 hour window from purchase to consume it, after that it tastes like stale shit.
Sunday 21st June
No back to school blues today – I want Monday to come and then the rest of the week. Quicker it comes the quicker Friday arrives.
I’d like to go away with Hannah on a proper holiday, but her work is so up in the air at the moment that we can’t book anything. Maybe I could get her fired and then it wouldn’t matter – she certainly steals a lot of stationary and I have a video of her accidentally scraping the pool car along the side of a van!
Saw Hannah today, went for a walk in Danbury woods. Nearly got our faces ripped off by a pack of rabid dogs owned by a family of retards. They had a 4-year-old daughter – she’ll be dead within the year, you mark my words – it’ll be all over the news: ‘dog death daughter disaster.’
Monday 22nd June
6 times Martyn went over to Beth’s desk today to engage her in conversation – I can’t believe he’s actually going for this. I only suggested it as a joke, I presumed he found her as repulsive as I do. He hasn’t actually asked her out yet, but he hopes to by the end of the week. I can’t wait to see how this one plays out!
Tuesday 23rd June
This week is dragging on. Literally had the slowest Tuesday on record. Tried to make it go faster by playing games on my phone for the majority of the day – it didn’t work, although I did get some pretty high scores!
Martyn’s assault on Beth continues, he actually made her laugh today! To be honest I’m not sure what she’d see in him… although his dad does run a bakery or something! Perhaps I should slip that into conversation to help him out.
Wednesday 24th June
Beth emailed a bunch of us today wanting to know if we fancied drinks on Friday. I explained my weekend with Hannah and then spent the rest of the day getting begging mails from Martyn asking me to go for just a couple – to help give him confidence to make a move. I told him no chance. Nothing’s going to ruin this for me, especially not him trying to get his nuts into a chubster.
Two days of work to get through. Need to decide what to cook us on Friday. Going out for a meal on the Saturday but might as well make the most of the empty house on the other days.
Thursday 25th June
Martyn is still hounding me to be his ‘Wing Man’ on Friday. I told him if he turns up with some deep fried chicken wings for Beth that’ll solve all his problems.
Nearly here – I wonder if Hannah’s as excited about it as I am? I love it when I get her all to myself for a weekend – I haven’t been this excited since Michael Jackson announced his comeback dates.
Friday 26th June
Michael Jackson is dead! Fucking cunt!
A heart attack, a fucking heart attack! Took me hours to get those tickets… won’t see that money again! O2 have probably been planning this for months. First they screw me over with the iPhone and now this! Hardly any work got done today, we were all too busy talking about Jacko. I think I received the first text joke at about 8:30 this morning.
Can’t believe it.
Saturday 27th June
Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, and she’s all mine.
Sunday 28th June
Can’t really write much because Hannah’s staying over until tomorrow. Whoop whoop!
Monday 29th June
I feel lonely now. Ed and Panda have come back, but it’s not the same – they don’t look pretty and I can’t fuck them… well I could try, but they wouldn’t like it… well Panda might.
Had the most amazing weekend and it didn’t even involve doing anything that special. On Friday I cooked a nice meal and we cuddled up in front of the TV with a bottle of wine. Then we went to bed a bit giggly and feeling amorous.
Saturday went to Bluewater shopping. Not many shops I was interested in, but Hannah had a good time and bought some things and that’s what counts. Went out for a meal in the evening to Pizza Express. I’ve never found a restaurant who’s ‘hottest chilli pizza’ is actually that hot. Anyway, after that came home and did all sorts of things in bed.
Sunday was a bit melancholy because it was school the next day and our last day together, but we made the most of it by driving into the country for a walk and then a nice pub lunch. Had sex in the evening, the nice goodbye sort rather than sticking a deckchair up her arse (not that I’ve done that).
I wonder if she’d get a place with me if I asked?
Tuesday 30th June
Martyn didn’t make his move on Beth last Friday, he blames me for not being his ‘Wing Man!’ James asked me if something was going on between the two of them, because Martyn kept following her round for the entire evening, but not actually talking to her. I told him Martyn’s a bit of a stalker on the sly – only he’s not very good at it. Not sure if he believed me.
After having possibly the happiest weekend of my life, I’ve decided to help Martyn out and get him a girlfriend – even if she is fat and looks like a pig.
Like what you’ve read? Then ‘Like’ it below!