July 2010

Thursday 1st July 2010

Had lunch with Hannah today.  Didn’t mean to, it just sort of happened.  Was going past the library and she came out up the steps.  Awkwardly said hello and made a bit of small talk.  Very awkwardly, actually.  I don’t know if she knows I know, but I think she does know, because it was much more awkward than it probably would have been.  Also, I haven’t heard from her since I found out, so she must have been keeping her distance out of shame… although I did also humiliate myself that night, so maybe that’s the reason.

I remembered what I’d decided the last time I spotted her and just tried to be normal, which wasn’t easy, as it felt so odd.  I asked if she was out for lunch – she was.  I don’t know why I suggested we get something together, I guess I was stuck for words and it was the only conversation my brain could find.

She said catching up would be nice, so we headed off.  It was weird, the whole thing was weird, but the weirdest part was that it was OK.  I didn’t punch her.  I didn’t feel like I wanted to punch her.  I just felt over it… I think I was over it.  I mainly felt numb if I’m honest – a numb kind of over it.

We didn’t mention that night.  She didn’t mention Rob and I didn’t bring it up.  She didn’t ask if I was seeing anyone.  It was all very safe.

She told me about her mum and dad, and the mad things her brother’s got up to.  I told her about the barbecue, and the dead flies in the paddling pool.  She really laughed at that, in a slightly disgusted way.  It was good to hear her laugh again.

I think I still love her.

Friday 2nd July

Fuck.  I can’t go down this road again.  I was doing so well.  I keep telling myself she doesn’t want me, but myself keeps telling me that I want her.  Arse.

Work’s going to be a killer – 8 hours with no distractions – apart from the actual things I’m paid to do, which let’s face it, won’t get done.  I’m going to end up going over and over this in my head.

I should have punched her when I saw her.

I’m pub drunk.  Was driving myself insane at work, trying not to think about it all, so ended up texting Rachel.  She’s such a good distraction – properly funny.  I managed to bully her into dropping her plans and coming to the pub with me instead.  Met her and Joe in The Ship and had three pints within about forty minutes.  As I swapped my blood for alcohol, I ended up telling them both all about Hannah – what had happened in the past and the strange place our recent meeting had put me.  Finally realised why Rachel’s with Joe – he’s nice!  He’s just a nice guy.  He might not have much of a sense of humour, or one that I can tap into that is, but he listens to what you say and seems genuinely interested.  He also offers some advice which appears from the heart and well thought out.

He left before Rachel did – to continue his original plans before I’d convinced his girlfriend to see me.  Rach stayed in The Ship to finish her drink, saying she’d catch up with Joe later.  Dunno how many I’d had by then, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret it tomorrow.  The world isn’t spinning at least, so that’s a positive.

We talked more about the Hannah situation.  I don’t think she wanted to, but I kinda steam-rolled the conversation.  It was good of her to listen, and try to help.  I feel guilty about pretty much ignoring her when she first came to work.

She made an interesting point, saying that just because someone’s with someone, it doesn’t always mean they want to be, because sometimes being with that person is easier than not being with them.  She also said that if there’s someone you really like,  you should show them, because they might just feel the same.

I think I’ve shown Hannah how I feel enough times, and she’s done the same in return, without the happiest of results.  It was an interesting point though – do I love Hannah enough to try again?  To try again and again?  I don’t know if I can be happy without her.

Saturday 3rd July

Spent the entire day wondering what to do.

Rachel texted, asking if I had a sore head.  I apologised for bending her ear so much last night.  She said it wasn’t a problem and she meant what she said – that I should think very carefully about who it is that I want in my life and if I truly want them, I should show them how I feel, because the chances are they feel the same.  I’m not convinced.  Hannah’s made it pretty clear how she feels

Big Steve went home today.  I said we’d come up and see him in the next couple of months.

Sunday 4th July

Was looking at old photos of Hannah and reading the love letters I unearthed in the ‘great bedroom tidy of 2010’.  She’s so beautiful.  I honestly don’t know how I got her.  We were so in love.

Monday 5th July

Rachel texted, asking if I’d managed to get things straight in my head.  Told her she was right and I needed to follow my heart and try again with Hannah.  “OK. Well if she’s the one you want, then you fight for her. x”  Rach is a good friend.

God knows what I’m going to do about it all.

Tuesday 6th July

Don’t know if I should text Hannah, just to say hello, or try and ‘accidentally’ bump into her.  I don’t think wheeling out ‘Confident Gareth’ is going to help at all.  The only thing that’s really going to help is to split her and Rob up, or have Rob killed – either option doesn’t sound that easy.

Wednesday 7th July

Was bored at lunch so went into the library to see if that nutcase with the scooter was in there.  1:30 he sped in – I’m taking a punt that it’s a he.  I listened in on him talking to one of the staff.  It’s not even like he’s backwards or anything like that… maybe a tiny bit backwards, but not in a proper full on way.  I think he’s just one of those lazy people who can’t be bothered to walk anywhere.  He spent ages looking at the books on fishing.  I’m surprised he can read.

Thursday 8th July

Couldn’t help going into the library again.  Didn’t see him, although I was earlier than yesterday.  Will try again tomorrow at about half one.  I just want to punish him for being such a dick.

Went for a wee and managed to unknowingly put my nob back in my flies with my headphone cable caught underneath it.  Was walking out the building thinking the cord was very short and gave it a tug, which made it pull on my penis.  Couldn’t get my cock out in the street to untangle the situation, so had to go home with the lead looping in and out the front of my trousers.  I don’t think anyone noticed.

Friday 9th July

1:30, that’s when Speedy Mongzalas gets to the library.  What I need is a police ‘stinger’ – unfurl it in front of him as he goes by, popping his tyres.

We should empty the paddling pool before it gets too gross again.  We should try and remember to tip it out after every time we use it, otherwise it gets too manky and none of us want to touch it.  We’ll want to use it more now summer’s here.

Saturday 10th July

Going to go to The Ship tomorrow.  Still don’t have a plan to get Hannah back, but I think it will help to see and study the competition.  He probably won’t be there now that I actually want to see him.  This whole things is doing my head in.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  It’s hard to focus on anything else. Work is really suffering.

Sunday 11th July

I’m not telling Ed and Panda I’m going to The Ship – they’ll want to come and I need to keep a low profile.  They’ll think it’s weird if I creep in and hide in a corner.

He was there!  His friends were there too.  Hannah was there also.  I could keep control of myself when it was just me and her, but seeing her with him was like being stabbed in the heart over and over again.  It was hard to sit there and watch, but I stayed until she left, and then for about half an hour after that.


Fucking World Cup.  Glad that shit’s over.

Monday 12th July

Maybe I could make Rob punch me.  If he took a pop at me, unprovoked, and Hannah saw, she’d realise what kind of man he is.  That of course requires me to make him angry enough to punch me, without outwardly showing that I’ve goaded him on in some way.  I don’t think it’s feasible.

Had to work through lunch today because I’ve been slacking off so much in the last couple of weeks.

Tuesday 13th July

1:30, regular as clockwork, the fat div raced into the library.  It really pisses me off.  I hate it when people think they can get away with being a prick and just thinking about themselves.

Wednesday 14th July

I should be coming up with a Hannah game plan rather than ways to punish the freak on the scooter.  I wonder if I can make him crash into a bookcase or something?  He never gets off his cart for me to tamper with his brakes, unfortunately.

Will have a barbecue on Saturday if it’s nice.  Won’t be a massive one as Panda’s working in the evening, just the three of us probably… and maybe Mark if he needs cheering up.

Thursday 15th July

Haven’t heard back from Mark.  I hope Liz hasn’t killed him.

The Thing came in on its scooter at half one again, and as usual went straight to the fishing books.  It must be a man, women aren’t that into fishing – I don’t know why anyone’s into fishing, really.  I’ve tried fishing, it’s dull.  Five hours sat in the sun and all I caught was a small gudgeon.

Followed him out of the library, but had lost him by the time he’d raced into the precinct.

Friday 16th July

I’m covered in bruises.  Nothing’s broken, but I look like I’ve been set upon by a gang of yobs.  It was worth it though to teach that library nutter a lesson.

I got to the library at about twenty past one and hid round the corner to the fishing section.  I could hear the racing engine of the mong-mobile and just as he was about to shoot round to where I was, I quickly stepped out, making sure I was right in his way.

He was definitely taken by surprise, because he didn’t even have time to swerve – he just drove straight through me.  I’d planned to really exaggerate my fall, preferably stumbling backwards and taking out a shelf or two whilst screaming.  As it went, there wasn’t any acting required because his four-wheeled tank knocked me flying to the floor in a daze.  I was so shocked by the force of it that I didn’t scream upon impact with the cart or the floor.  Once I realised I’d survived, however, I shouted: “Are you fucking stupid?!!” at him as I winced with genuine pain.

Staff came running over and he got a bollocking.  I was annoyed when they said: “How many times have we told you not to drive fast in here?”  I’ve been listening in on their conversations for a while and I’ve not heard them say it once.

The guy started to cry and said sorry.  He then started to really cry.  I felt a bit bad, but was still pleased with the result.  I exaggerated my limp as I headed off, but there was no need to exaggerate the carpet burn I’d got on my arm.

I’ll go back on Monday, see if it’s made any difference.

God I ache.

Saturday 17th July

Will go to The Ship again tomorrow.   It paid to research the scooter man’s movements, so I’ll take the same approach with Rob.  Will get there earlier and see what’s what.

I’ve got some kind of weird heartburn thing going on.  I hate it when that happens.  I should get some Remegels, or whatever it was that Hannah’s mum used to have.  They worked well.

Just been eating cooked meats – mmmmm.

Still no word from Mark.  I bet he’s made up with her.  He always ditches me when his love life is functioning properly – well… as properly as it can for Mark.

Sunday 18th July

Arrived before Rob and his friends… about an hour before, so I was pretty pissed by the time they bowled in.  No Hannah this time, which made things easier and allowed me to move closer to the action.  It was a risk because I still didn’t know if Rob knew who I was.  Turns out he didn’t, because I spent five minutes chatting to him at the bar and he didn’t bat an eyelid.

I didn’t know what I was going to say, but as he went up to get some drinks, I decided to follow his lead.  I’m not very good at making conversation at the best of times, so this was especially hard.  In the end I asked if he had a light – he hadn’t, which means he’s probably a non-smoker.  Not sure if I can use that to my benefit, but every bit of info helps.  I can’t even remember what we said, but it was the smallest of smallest small talk.  Annoyingly, he wasn’t a dick.

I made a big deal as I was leaving and managed to catch his eye.  Gave him a raise of the eyebrows as I turned to head out and was pleased to see it reciprocated.

I should follow him home some time, see where he lives.  Burn it down whilst he sleeps.

Monday 19th July

Went into the library.  That shit-head raced in again on his scooter.  I’m not going back in there, it’s too annoying.  He won’t stop until someone’s dead.  Maybe I should throw myself in front of him again, keep doing it until he gets the message.

Tuesday 20th July

Not sure if I should be texting Simon or not.  He hasn’t text me, but he texted last time.  Is it supposed to alternate?  This is more confusing than dating!

…The thing is, it’s been so long that I’m not actually bothered about seeing him anymore.  I used to love it, and when we fell out it was really weird not speaking all the time, but now I just feel… meh!

Wednesday 21st July

Beth seems to be getting over her infidelity – doesn’t look so miserable anymore.  She still tries to avoid speaking to Jack, but will communicate when forced into a corner.  Looks like she got away with it.

I still ache.

Thursday 22nd July

Splinter’s come down for the weekend.  I fucking hate Splinter, and he makes me hate Panda for liking him.

Friday 23rd July

Go home Splinter!  Go home!

Ed’s gone to stay with Lispy whilst Splinter’s here.  He put a lock on his door before he went.  Where’s the solidarity and strength in numbers, ehy?  Now I’m left on my own with him.  Someone really needs to tell him that he’s not a gangster, or gang member from the West Coast.  Little shit.

Saturday 24th July

Stop rapping.  You can’t rap.  Your lyrics are shit.  Rapping about killing people and shagging does not make you a ‘playa’ or a ‘gangsta’, nor does peppering every conversation with the word ‘nigga.’  Why has he never grown up and realised he’s acting like an offensive little turd?

Oh god, this is doing my head in.  I never properly got my own back from last time he was down.  It can wait… revenge is a dish best served cold, and secretly, and repeatedly until the cunts are fucking dead in the ground.

Back to The Ship tomorrow.  I need to think of some topics of conversations I can use on him.  I bet he likes football – people like him always do.  Are they still playing football now that the World Cup’s over?  When’s football season?

Sunday 25th July

Bye Splinter!  Fuck off and die!

Really cracked it with Rob.  Turned up at The Ship and did my usual thing of cautiously entering, just in case Hannah is sat with him.  She wasn’t so I got myself a pint and sat on a table within earshot of his.  I’d brought a paper with me to help deflect from me looking like a nutter alone in a pub, but I didn’t read a single word of it.  Every moment was spent eavesdropping on Rob and his cronies.

I waited (quite a long time) for Rob to make his first trip to the bar (tight-arse).  As he did, I was up there too.  Luckily, his reluctance to get a round in gave me plenty of time to work out what the hell I was going to say, and more importantly, what I was hoping to achieve by even doing this.

Whilst making sure he could see it was me, I pretended I hadn’t noticed him.  I was quite nervous, but there was no time for that when he spotted me and said hello.  I think I gave a reasonable performance as ‘a guy who was being spoken to by someone he didn’t recognise, but half a second later remembers that he’d met him briefly in the pub the week before.’

We exchanged “how you doings?” and stuff like that.  I had my story ready and when he enquired about me I hit him with: “Really good mate.  Literally, just this morning, won three grand on a scratch card!”  (Obviously I hadn’t really).  He was all congratulations and saying he didn’t think anyone won the jackpots on those things.  He asked what I was going to do with the money, so I told him: “Save a grand, blow a grand in one go and fritter a grand.”  I then offered to buy him a drink, but he turned me down, saying that he was getting a round in.  I told him I’ve got to start frittering a grand away at some point, and offered to buy his friends drinks too.  It took a little bit of convincing, but finally he agreed, saying: “Maybe some of your luck with rub off into the pints.”  I said: “No, that will be the eczema,” which tickled him.  He then asked if I wanted to join them.  I made it look like I was unsure, before graciously accepting.

They looked like dicks from afar, but after spending about half an hour in their company, I realised they’re just a bunch of ridiculous geeks.  We ended up talking about TV and films and music.  I’m actually annoyed that they weren’t a load of wankers.

One annoying moment was that beforehand, whilst I was sat at the table on my own, concocting a method of introduction and an elaborate back-story, I didn’t think to give myself a new name.  I obviously wasn’t going to use ‘Gareth,’ but when Rob asked my name, I panicked and stupidly introduced myself as ‘Bob.’  It wasn’t exactly a problem, because some people are called Bob, and it wasn’t like he was going to question it, he just laughed a bit, told me his name and helped carry the drinks to their table.  It’s just annoying because I wanted the lies to be really carefully constructed, and that was a rookie mistake.

I left them to it after a bit and went home.  I did sow the seeds for joining them next week, by saying if I hadn’t blown all the cash maybe I’d shout them another round sometime.  They seemed receptive to that and all said goodbye.

Need to use this somehow.  Need to find out more about Rob rather than debate the merits of the Transformers movies and the inevitable disappointment the next instalment will bring.

He was very friendly, maybe he’s secretly gay.  I could try and ‘out’ him?  That would split them up.

Monday 26th July

Pretty much wasted the day today trying to plan whatever the hell it is I’m going to do.  I’ve come up with nothing.

Had a really bad urine leak moment.  I don’t want all that to start again.  Went for a piss and it was fine until I bent over to put my shoes on, then suddenly a disturbing amount of wee came out.  I don’t know why it can’t all come out of the pipe when I’m in the loo, I’m standing there pushing and shaking, it’s not like I’m hurrying it along, or thinking ‘OK, that will do.’   Annoying.

Tuesday 27th July

Nailed a plan to get some more background info on Rob.  Just bought two tickets for The A-Team on Sunday.  Hopefully I can ingratiate myself onto their table again, and then, when the moment strikes, I pretend I’ve got a text from a friend bailing on me.  I throw the ticket out to him, and hopefully he’ll take me up on it.  That way I’ll get him on my own so I can pump him for information – but not up his arse… unless that helps split them up.  Just got to hope he’s not busy Sunday night, or if he is, the thought of spending an evening with someone he hardly knows, watching a film that is definitely going to be terrible is alluring in some way.

Wednesday 28th July

Just spent about two hours watching old A-Team clips on YouTube.  Man I used to love that show.  I was always Murdoch, a character who seemed cool and zany back in the day.  It’s interesting now to see I was drawn to the one with mental health issues… still, what would it say if I was drawn to the big black guy covered in gold?

Fuck!  Mr.T and Hannibal hated each other in real life!

And Hannibal didn’t like women!  Not in a gay way, just didn’t want them on the show.

Dunno why they remixed the theme tune for later seasons, it sucked balls after that.

Got to stop Googling ‘The A-Team’ and go to sleep.

Thursday 29th July

Cooler today, so Beth was less sweaty.

Friday 30th July

Went to the pub after work with Jack.  I need to stop drinking beer, that’s why my gut is on a collision course with obesity.

Saturday 31st July

Texted Hannah a picture of Mika, saying: ‘I still think he looks like Steve.’  She texted back with: ‘Yes definitely!’  I didn’t reply to that – don’t want to get sucked into conversations at the moment, just want to keep me ticking over in her mind.


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  1. Dead Fly says:


    (not that it’s relevant advice, what with it happening 3 and a half years ago!)

  2. Film of ash says:

    Gareth is definitely going to bang Rachel

  3. Gareth's Paddling Pool says:

    I definitely think Gareth will get with Rachel. Behind her boyfriend’s back. Thus becoming everything he despises about Rob. And Hannah. Poor form.

  4. Satan says:

    Do it Gareth. You know you want to.

    1. Your ma says:

      What kind of a name is ‘Satan’?!

  5. JT says:

    This is starting to feel a bit too scripted now, he’s obviously going to fuck Rachel. That “just because someone’s with someone, it doesn’t always mean they want to be, because sometimes being with that person is easier than not being with them” bit she is talking about herself right.

    I’m starting to doubt that this is a real diary.

    1. The Ship says:

      I disagree. I dont think she’s interested in Gareth. we know she loves Joe. I think she’s just telling him to go for it with Hannah.

      1. Anonymous says:

        She’s totally telling him she’s interested!

    2. another dead fly says:

      I’m inclined to agree….seems so obvious, surely he can’t be so oblivious. Or can he?

      1. Multiple Dead Flies says:

        I’m not sure. If she was single I’d be more inclined to think he’d spot it, but the fact is that she’s in a relationship with someone and appears to be happy, so why would he think shes sending him messages?

        Either way trying again with Hannah is a bad idea. I need to re read the night it all kicked off. what date was that?

        1. JT says:

          Saturday 27th February

          Reading it back it defiantly seems too scripted to be real.

          Maybe this is what real life is actually like and its my mundane life thats scripted.

  6. dead fly says:

    AAAARGH Gareth you dopey twat

  7. Cuckold Jone says:

    What a total idiot! Deserves to sleep alone for being so stoopid!

  8. Beth's lardy arse says:

    I agree – feeling way to scripted at the moment. Also the repetition of Rachel’s advice. Had really come around to thinking this was real but I’m doubting again.

    1. Gareth's stupid brain says:

      Gareth’s too in love with Hannah to notice anyone else. He’s if he took a step back from his obsession he might notice that Rachel is (possibly) into him. I’ve been there – chasing after the wrong person.

      1. Nice guy Joe says:

        I still think its real

        1. Anonymous says:

          I never thought it was real… does it matter either way though? It’s still one of my favourite things.

          1. Anonymous says:

            Exactly! The thing is, nothing in it is really strange enough to be fake. How many times in your life have you been like wow this is like a movie. bad sitcom? I just wish Garret would get back to his old ass-hole self.

      2. Anonymous says:

        As someone equally oblivious to advances from the other sex I can absolutely see this as something that really happened. I’ve kicked myself so many times over very obviously missed opportunities. Hind-sight and all that.

        1. Speedy Mongzalas says:

          Rachel is perfect for Gareth. The reason she talks about Joe so much is because she wants to make Gareth jealous. He needs to give her the D soon before Jack does. I do hope he gets over Hannah. What about Lispy? He has said that he is into girls with lisps. Arrggh I just want the next update to come out!

  9. Gareths's oblivious mind says:

    Just when I really begin to think it has to be real, these last few days happen. It just sounds too much like a film or something. I like reading it so I guess that’s all that counts? 🙁

  10. Rachel's obvious hints says:

    For all you people falling over yourselves saying it’s feeling “too scripted for you now”. Do shut up. Great up date Ed.

  11. Rachel's Texts says:

    No man, I don’t care how stupid you are, would be so in love with a girl, that he’d miss those signals. Men think with one thing – and for that reason he’d never miss those signals regardless of his love for Hannah (that he hasn’t mentioned for ages). A writer knows his audience 😉

  12. Speedy Mongzalas says:

    I disagree – it’s very possible to miss signals like that. God knows, I’ve done it.

    Great update again Ed BTW 🙂

  13. Sam silly says:

    Can we see a pic of you ed x

  14. renoir says:

    Stupid advice from Rachel. Let’s not sugar coat the fact that Hannah is not coming back and even if she did it does not erase the fact that she cheated on him. Ed, please slap Gareth in the face

    1. Rachel's Texts says:

      Rachel was definitely not taking about Hannah…

  15. The Thing says:

    Beautiful. Thanks Ed 🙂

  16. Broken legs. says:

    Waiting for an update…

  17. Martyn's Stolen Suit Returns says:

    Top work on transcribing these Ed, I only discovered this site a few days ago from a friend and spent the last two work afternoon’s reading through the whole thing.

    It really is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages, made even better for me as I grew up in Chelmsford so recognise all the pubs and landmarks he refers to! My friend and I are convinced he works at the same place we worked 10 years ago as well.

    Keep up the good work!

  18. the landlord of the ship says:

    i wish this bunch of bell-ends would fuck off and drink elsewhere ! (the birds can stay)

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