Wednesday 1st July
Started my ‘Get Martyn Laid’ campaign. Today was mainly about getting my facts together, which unfortunately meant emailing Beth a lot to try and get her opinion on him and what her ideal guy is. It took nearly 4 hours of inane babble before I managed to get what I wanted – ‘Martyn’s sweet’ and she likes tall guys with dark hair, clean shaven, medium build and green eyes – fucking bitch described me! I hope she doesn’t think I was sniffing around for my own intentions.
Thursday 2nd July
Today was ground work, trying to big Martyn up to Beth whilst also trying to get Martyn to shave off his stupid goaty beard. By 5:30 Beth wasn’t biting and Martyn was resolute that “chicks dig the beard.”
Friday 3rd July
Just got back from an evening in the pub with the work colleagues – I owed Martyn after letting him down so badly last Friday – his words, not mine. My ‘Wing Man’ role consisted of me saying: “Just go and fucking talk to her!” about every ten minutes and him resolutely refusing. Meanwhile, she spent the whole evening looking at me.
James and Sally seemed to be getting along well – not a single argument and they went home together.
Saturday 4th July
Seeing Hannah later. I’m depressed. I think it’s because last week we had the whole weekend together and now we’re back to seeing each other on one or two evenings. Maybe I’ll suggest moving in together.
Sunday 5th July
Didn’t ask her to move in with me – chickened out. Maybe I should start saving for a bit first.
Got a text from Martyn asking me what he should do next about Beth. I told him to grow a pair. He didn’t text back.
Monday 6th July
Sat at my desk for an hour this morning, thinking how best to help Martyn. In the end I emailed Beth and asked her if she fancied him, because he fancied her and would she like to go out with him some time? She said she would go out with him sometime. I emailed Martyn the good news – he immediately went into panic, well first he went into outrage that I’d given the game away, but once I explained that the way to get a girl to go out with you is to ask the girl out, he soon calmed down.
He asked for some suggestions on where to take her, he thought I was joking when I said KFC. Anyway, it’s out of my hands now, they can sort it out amongst themselves.
Tuesday 7th July
Martyn and Beth are going to an ‘all you can eat’ Chinese buffet on Friday – I think it will be a long night for Martyn.
I’ve no idea what he sees in her – sure he’s desperate but surely not THAT desperate! I spent about ten minutes looking at her through the monitor tunnel and just couldn’t see one attractive thing about her. On top of that, she’s got the most annoying, self-involved personality I’ve ever known. Good luck Martyn.
Wednesday 8th July
Had a bizarrely productive day today. My backlog of work had reached critical mass and was about to explode all over my face. There have been threats of corporate involvement to run an investigation into the productivity of its various branches and there was no way I wanted some suit giving me a bollocking, so I sat down, got on with it, and cleared the lot. After the first half-an-hour I really got into the swing of it and then it was like riding a bike downhill. It’s like a weight has been lifted – something had been niggling at me for some time and now it’s gone. It’s like I’m in heaven.
Thursday 9th July
Sat back and did nothing today – think I burnt myself out yesterday.
Panda is in his room having sex very noisily. Not sure if I should be turned on or pissed off.
Friday 10th July
Today is the day of the big date for Martyn and Beth. They’re going straight after work and so brought in their fancy ‘I’m going out on a first date’ clothes. Beth went for a skirt and top that made her look like a prostitute, Martyn brought in a second suit that can only be described as identical to the one he was wearing. He then put his original suit in the suit bag and took it with him on the date – he said he didn’t trust the cleaners not to steal it. Imagine that! I’m picturing them having a romantic walk by the river after the meal, arm in arm, Martyn holding his suit bag at shoulder height in the other so as not to drag it on the pavement. I’ll text him tomorrow to see how he got on.
Saturday 11th July
Texted Martyn this morning to see how his date at the buffet went. Didn’t get a message back – what the hell does that mean? I bet he slept with her and they’re still in bed. He’s desperate, I’m pretty sure she is too, plus she was probably on a deranged high from all the MSG in the Chinese food.
Seeing Hannah later, she’s not sleeping over though. I can’t believe Martyn’s getting more sex than me.
Sunday 12th July
I’m actually looking forward to going back to work! What the hell has Martyn done to me? I’ve pretty much wasted a whole weekend with disturbing thoughts about him and Beth.
Monday 13th July
Annoyingly, Martyn played things close to his chest. I spent all morning badgering him about how things went and all he kept saying was: “It was fine.” Where’s the thanks in that? Without me setting it up, accompanying him on the nights out and giving him the courage, he wouldn’t have had a nice time with anyone! I had to email Beth in the end – she was more than happy to open up about it. They spent a good couple of hours at the buffet and then went to that bar opposite it. At 10 o’clock he realised he’d left his suit in the restaurant and so they had to leg it back only to find someone had stolen it – HAH!
Tuesday 14th July
Martyn was still refusing to give any details about his date. Despite knowing the details, I kept on at him – I set them up and so deserve to be told, and if he doesn’t tell me by Thursday I’m going to break them up again. Martyn you have been warned… well he hasn’t, but he should stop being such a dick.
Wednesday 15th July
Drew a huge nob on the page three girl today. David has had unadulterated pictures recently and now it was time to crack on with the campaign again. He went all red in the face with anger when he saw that big cock and balls between her legs. Absolute gold!
Thursday 16th July
David’s had another heart attack! Happened in the early hours of this morning. He’s in a stable condition in hospital. I hope to God it wasn’t my artwork on his page three girl that pushed him over the edge! Actually I don’t care.
Martyn still refused to give me any details on his night out with Beth, so tomorrow I’m going to see what I can do to ruin it. I don’t care if he’s embarrassed about losing his suit – he owes me details, even if I know them already.
Friday 17th July
Emailed Beth today, probing her for information on her relationship with Martyn. She wants to see him again but he hasn’t suggested another date (I think he’s too nervous too). She asked me what that means. I told her that it probably means he’s not interested.
Saturday 18th July
Put my shoes on this morning and went outside. Could feel an annoying stone, or bit of something in the toe so I shook my foot to try and get it in a more comfortable position – that moved it to under my foot so I undid my laces and tipped it out. Fucking great big crushed spider fell on the floor! I almost threw up. I hate spiders. Still keep imagining I can feel it in there, I may have to chuck the shoes away.
Sunday 19th July
Put the spider-shoes in the bottom of my cupboard – I’ll give them a bit of space. Annoyingly the incident has developed a sense of paranoia in me and I’m shaking my shoes out before I put them on each time.
Off to Hannah’s now.
Monday 20th July
Checked with Martyn again to see if he was going to finally tell me how his date with Beth went. He fobbed me off one more time so I emailed Beth asking if Martyn had asked her out on a second date. He hadn’t so I told her if he doesn’t do it by the end of the day he’s shown her no respect and she should say no if he finally does. Took a few emails but eventually planted the seed of contempt in her head.
Tuesday 21st July
Martyn emailed, wondering what his next move with Beth should be. He thought it best to play it cool because he didn’t want to scare her off. I told him to do what he thinks is right. He emailed back at the end of the day – Beth had told him he had no respect for her and he should jump off a bridge. Do I feel guilty? No, he could have avoided it.
Wednesday 22nd July
Martyn’s down in the dumps. He tried to console himself with me, and even started to tell me about the one date they did have – I told him I was interested the other day but now it’s over I’m not bothered.
Went round Hannah’s for dinner. Her dad started vaxing the living room carpet after the meal. Who vaxes a carpet at 8pm?
We quietly had sex whilst they watched Big Brother downstairs.
Thursday 23rd July
Just woke up and found Panda asleep at the kitchen table. I managed to prepare and eat a bowl of Start and balance four ice cubes on the back of his T-shirt without him waking up. I did start to worry that he was dead but didn’t want to disturb the ice cube fun by waking him up. If he’s still there when I get back from work, I’ll call an ambulance.
Back from work, Panda wasn’t dead. He told me he was so hungover this morning that he had had terrible cold sweats.
Hannah came round for a cuddle.
Friday 24th July
Beth emailed me – Martyn asked her if she wanted to go out with him tonight and she wanted to know what I thought she should do. I was in a good mood after the stuff I’d done with Hannah last night, so I told her to give him one last chance – forgive and forget. If he doesn’t thank me on Monday then I will ruin it for good.
Hannah’s coming round for the weekend.
Saturday 25th July
Woke up and Hannah had thrown the covers off her. Couldn’t resist taking a picture of her bare bum on my iPhone.
Went on a trip to Colchester. We decided to catch the train so that we could both drink booze with dinner. An old man with the hairiest arms I’ve ever seen squeezed in the seat next to me. I was wearing a T-shirt so his hairs stroked against my bare arm every time he breathed. I thought I was going to puke, but there was no way I was giving in and moving my arm.
Sunday 26th July
Watched the Back To The Future trilogy with Panda and Ed. We all had to drink a shot of port every time Doc said “Great Scott,” Marty said “Heavy” and Biff said “Butt-head.” I’ve drunk a shit-load of water but I think I’m going to pay for that tomorrow.
Monday 27th July
Miracle – woke up this morning and felt fine! God bless water.
Even more of a miracle – Martyn found me as soon as he got in and filled me in about his second date with Beth. They went bowling, his choice. There is a KFC within the complex – her choice. He won and afterwards in his car they felt each other up – through their clothes. I’d love to see Beth trying to bowl – they had to ask for special balls because her fingers were too fat for the ones on the stand! Hahahahaha!
Tuesday 28th July
Beth kept emailing me about Martyn – ‘Has he said anything about me? Did he have a good time? Is he going to ask me out again?’ Jesus – why must I be a filter system for people’s love lives? Can’t they just email each other?
Hannah said we should arrange a double date with them – I think she was joking. I hope she was joking.
Wednesday 29th July
Martyn confided in James about his relationship with Beth. Apparently he asked James to keep it quiet as they didn’t want anyone else knowing – by the end of the day everyone was talking about it. I’ve never seen Martyn so angry. There was a shouting match between the two of them outside after work and I was stuck in the middle – well, I say stuck in the middle – I was stood a couple of metres away hoping it was all going to kick off, sadly it didn’t.
Thursday 30th July
I had James and Martyn emailing me all day, slagging off the other one. To begin with I enjoyed reading the rants, but it soon became tedious and I was forced to email them both back with the message ‘THIS PERSON’S MAILBOX IS NOW FULL. PLEASE CALL THE IT DEPARTMENT OR RESEND AT A LATER DATE.’ It worked a treat, although Gus from IT did turn up at the end of the day and ask to have a look at my PC.
Friday 31st July
No Hannah this weekend, she’s seeing a friend.
A few people from work were going for drinks, but a lonely night in easily won that competition.
Like what you’ve read? Then ‘Like’ it below!