Friday 1st January
2010! Things feel exactly the same as they did yesterday. I promised myself I wouldn’t make resolutions, as you don’t need the first day of a new year to spur you on to better yourself – do it anytime if that’s what you want. That said, I’ve become caught up in the moment and decided on these:
1: Win Hannah back. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but it’s essential. Without her in my life, I don’t have a life.
2: Lose weight. Weighed myself at Mum and Dad’s and I’m thirteen stone. Ideally I’d like to get down to twelve. Getting some abs would be nice – just one would do.
3: Get a new job – ideally a job I enjoy and can be proud of.
4: Learn to use my camera properly. It’s gathered dust for long enough (this could be my way of winning Hannah back).
5: De-clutter my bedroom. I’ve got far too much shit in here and it’s time it went.
If I only achieve getting Hannah back, I’d call that a successful year.
Jack left at about ten this morning. He had to go to his mum and dad’s for lunch. We had a good time last night, although we only got to watch FX1, so we’re going to do the other next weekend. Most of the evening was spent on the PS3. Jack’s only got a PS2, so it seemed only fair to let him make the most of it.
We didn’t get through half of the food I’d bought. Got platefuls of sausage rolls, chicken wings, pizza, mini burgers, crisps, party eggs and chocolate fingers left over. So far I’ve managed to hold off from eating any of it. Panda and Ed better get back quickly, then they can eat it, otherwise I’ll break one of my resolutions before the first day is out.
Jack’s resolution is to sleep with Beth. I don’t know if he’s joking or not. I’m guessing he is.
Jack says I should join his gym, that way you have a wingman when you workout to make sure you stick to your goals. I don’t know if I fancy wasting money on a building filled with running machines when I could just go outside and run.
6: Don’t waste money on pointless things.
All in all I had a good day, right up until five minutes ago when I got a text from Hannah, saying: ‘Happy New Year everyone!’ Cow. Why doesn’t she give a monkey’s testicle about me anymore? We were so good together, but now it seems like she thinks it was a waste of time. She doesn’t appear to cherish any of our years together. I just wish I was still special to her, instead of just being the recipient of a mail-shot.
7. If I can’t win Hannah back, I must make sure she never finds happiness with anyone else.
Saturday 2nd January
Ed and Panda both returned this morning. Within an hour, all the leftover New Year’s food was gone. I didn’t have a single crisp – so well on the way to a healthier me. I asked if either of them had made any resolutions. Ed hasn’t – he’s sick of making some every year and failing at them all. Panda said his are to eat more healthily, take one night off from drinking a week and to fuck my mum so far up her arse that she chokes on the tip of his cock. Luckily no one achieves their resolutions… he better not achieve his resolutions!
Started clearing the clutter out of my room. I only managed to sort through one drawer, but it’s a start, and technically I have the entire year to do it. I could leave it all until this New Year’s Eve, and I’d still have kept the resolution. The drawer mainly contained notebooks – old ones that had been partially used, and a lot of new ones that I’ve bought to become future journals. Some of them are really cool – I can never resist a nice notebook. I think I’ve actually got more potential journals than I could fill in a lifetime. If I was being really strict, I would have got rid of some of them. Having them stacked neatly will do for now. I pulled out the used pages from the old notebooks. The only thing I kept was the children’s story Panda, Ed and I wrote one drunken night a couple of years ago. I’d completely forgotten about it. I’ve never known such a dark, child-unfriendly piece of work, although that was the point. They both laughed their heads off when I read it to them.
Sunday 3rd January
Jack came over. I suggested we just go into town, but he really wanted to watch FX2. Panda and Ed were in. There’s always concern when I introduce friends to other friends. I worry that they’ll like each other more than either of them like me. That’s why I try to keep friend mixing down to a minimum. Luckily Jack, Ed and Panda got on, but not so much so that I had to worry. We did all watch the film together, but after that, they did their own things and so did Jack and I.
I questioned Jack about his Beth resolution. He says there’s something very liberating about having sex with someone you don’t find attractive. I’d say there’s something very off-putting about it! Apparently some of the best sex he’s ever had is with ugly girls. He says you last longer because you don’t fancy them, care less about impressing them so can worry about yourself, and they’re more grateful, which means they’re up for being experimental. I can understand his logic, but I’d still rather have sex with someone I was attracted to. The thought of doing anything with Beth makes me want to cry.
Monday 4th January
At last I could throw away my desktop calendar with all the Fridays glued onto it. I won’t be doing that again. Greg made some mocking comment about it being stupid, so I had to pretend that I wanted to do it again, but couldn’t be bothered with the cutting and sticking. Greg’s an arse, I really dislike him.
Beth was emailing me all day. She didn’t go out for New Year’s, she stayed in for a romantic night with Martyn. There was no need for her to say ‘romantic’, all that did was highlight the fact that Martyn banged her to pieces.
Went for lunch with Jack. He invited Martyn and Beth. Luckily Martyn wasn’t bothered by the obvious flirting between Jack and his girlfriend… either that or he’s too stupid to notice it.
I had a baked potato with some beans on it. Martyn had one with tuna and Beth had a sandwich. Jack had a toastie. Martyn and Beth are still on their diet. I didn’t tell them I was on one too.
I’ve got a sore arse.
Tuesday 5th January
I couldn’t decide today whether I should concentrate on getting Hannah back, finding a job or doing my work. In the end I didn’t do any.
My shoes are falling apart.
Wednesday 6th January
Need to buy some scales to keep check on the diet’s progress. I’ve been good so far – no alcohol, healthy lunches and I’ve pretty much skipped dinners. I’m permanently hungry though and feel a bit weak.
Had lunch with Jack. He’s still determined to “penetrate Beth.” If he did, it would be awful for Martyn and I’d feel bad for him, but the idea intrigues me more than I thought it would, so I’m hoping he nails her. It’s kind of like a car crash, or seeing an otter attack a sparrow – it’s awful, but you can’t help watching, and also it’s kind of cool and you’re glad it happened.
Thursday 7th January
Despite the fact that I’m now using rubber gloves when I wash up, my hands are still really dry. I’m going to have to buy some moisturiser. There’s a small patch on a finger on my right hand that’s really bad, and gets very itchy. I bet I’ve got leprosy…. I probably caught it from Panda, he’s the type to have it… and every other disease going.
Had lunch with Jack. He says he still doesn’t have a main game plan to get Beth into bed, he’s just going to: “chip away at her until I’m balls deep.”
I haven’t done any more tidying of my room. Already the resolutions are going to pot.
Really miss Hannah tonight. Ended up going through old photos again. I’m desperate to text her, but know I shouldn’t.
Texted her. Said hello and asked how her 2010 was going. She got back straight away, saying it was going great. That’s made me feel worse than before. She feels great, I wish I was dead.
Friday 8th January
Dreamt about Hannah. It was nothing sexy, sadly. She was at the office for some reason. That was about it.
So bored of work. The only good thing about it is I get to have a laugh with Jack, but that’s no reason not to look for another job.
Think I’ll take Monday off as a sick day. They’re really suspicious of sick days, so I’m laying some ground work. Rang first thing and said I had a doctor’s appointment. I’m now gonna go in late and say he recommended I stay at home. I’ll then act ill for the rest of the day, slowly getting worse, which will get me brownie points for coming in even when I’m under the weather, and no one will think twice about me taking Monday off… and possibly Tuesday.
Beth and that lot were going out for a drink after work. That’s good because me saying I just wanted to go home helped my ‘I’m very ill’ cause. It’s a shame though because Jack was going and I wanted to watch his progress with Beth. He’s promised to text me afterwards and report on how it went.
Saturday 9th January
Three day weekend! Possibly four! I need to be careful what I do. Mustn’t go into town in case someone sees me and realises the illness is a lie.
Jack called. I had to put on an ill sounding voice. I trust him not to dob on me, but the best way to successfully get away with a lie is to tell absolutely no one and lay so much groundwork and back story that you almost believe it yourself.
He didn’t wake up with Beth this morning, but she was very receptive to his flirting, apparently. He got lots of money from the cash machine and made sure she noticed it sticking out of his wallet – “She needs to see just how many Big Macs I can buy her.”
Did a bit of tidying of my room. Found door twenty four of the advent calendar I destroyed. It had a star inside it. Also found the Alvin and the Chipmunks 2 ticket that James got me. I’d missed the performance, luckily. I’ve no interest in watching CGI ferrets dick about on screen for two hours… although admittedly the cartoon used to be good.
Haven’t been out all day. Think I’m getting cabin fever. Will drive somewhere tomorrow, nowhere round here though. If I get spotted out of bed, then I won’t be able to successfully pull off Monday’s sick day.
Ed’s still seeing that girl with the lisp, although I don’t think they’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend. He should make it official – judging by her pics, she’s worth sticking with… also, he definitely couldn’t do any better. I quite like a lisp on a girl, it’s cute. I’m strangely drawn to lazy eyes as well. For some reason, I found Dawn’s lazy eye really adorable… it’s a shame her hair was like wire-wool, otherwise I might have asked her out. At least if she eyed up other fellas there would have been a medical reason.
Sunday 10th January
Took the train to Colchester. Could have driven but thought it would be more of an adventure to use public transport. Also, it meant I could get pissed. Browsed around the shops in the morning and then had a pub lunch, accompanied by four pints of beer. A pub lunch and beer isn’t exactly the best meal for the diet, but I did another big walk around the town before catching the train home. Didn’t buy anything.
A man on the train back was hungrily tucking into a pack of sixteen seafood sticks. Where the hell can you buy packs of sixteen seafood sticks? Why would you want sixteen? He didn’t even save any – just guzzled them down, one after the other.
Monday 11th January
Called in sick to work. Not sure what to do with the day. Even if I do nothing, it will still be better than being at work. Even Panda’s out so I’ve got the house to myself. Might nose about in their rooms again – that’s always fun.
Been playing on the PS3 all morning. Might do some tidying of my room in a bit.
Panda really needs to empty his bin, it’s overflowing and something in it is stinking out his whole room. I dread to think what it could be. It smells like a dead trout. Knowing Panda, it probably is.
Didn’t tidy my room in the end, pretty much played on the PS3 all day.
Just brushed my teeth whilst I was in the shower. Never done that before – it was quite liberating. It meant I was free to dribble the toothpaste down my chin and it didn’t matter, because afterwards I could just pop my head under the water and it was gone… although it did leave an odd, cold tingling sensation where it had been. I’d definitely be tempted to do it again.
Think I will call in sick tomorrow. I’ve really gone off the idea of working this week.
Tuesday 12th January
Jack texted asking if I was coming in to work today. I told him I feel awful and just want to stay in bed and die. He offered to come round after work with some grapes, but I told him no. It’s bad enough having to pretend on the phone, I don’t think I have the energy to do it in person.
I wonder if Hannah will get me a birthday card this year? I think I’ll get her one. Hopefully we’ll be going out again by then.
I need to work on getting her back. It’s already the 12th of January and I haven’t made any progress.
I’m in a quandary about what should I do on Valentine’s day next month. Hannah won’t get me anything, but should I get her something? The thought of it makes me feel a bit sick.
My finger’s really itchy today. It’s got strange, tiny little lumps on it which leak a clear residue when squeezed. I should have made a real doctor’s appointment last Friday, not a fake one. It will be too late to get one for today now.
You can smell Panda’s bin from the landing. I’ll tell him to empty it when I see him. I’m sure Ed will back me up if he starts getting shitty.
Mark texted, asking when I wanted to come round now that he’s moved in with Liz. I told him next weekend. I really don’t want to meet this witch, but brotherly duty I guess. They’ve only been going out a couple of months, why’s he moved in with her already? Wish I’d asked Hannah to move in with me, we might still be together if I had.
Better go back to work tomorrow. That’s a drag. I bet my desk’s piled high with stuff and I have to spend the next three days working my balls off to catch up. I haven’t even achieved anything over the two days at home to make it worthwhile.
Wednesday 13th January
Had to pretend I was still a bit ill to complete the final part of the sicky lie. That way I got credit from Andrew for coming back before I was totally recovered. I should win employee of the month for my dedication.
I really need to look into getting a new job. Apart from having a laugh with Jack, that place has nothing to offer me anymore. I’m bored of the people and the work… although I’m not sure I was ever interested in either, if I’m honest.
Sally’s a prime example of why I can’t handle it anymore. She was shifting some boxes of printer paper and said to me: “I can never remember if it’s lift with your knees, or lift with your back.” I told her the back – she’s got to learn the hard way.
I asked Panda to empty his bin. Amazingly, he complied. He said the smell of used condoms was beginning to get on his nerves too! I can’t believe that’s what I’ve been inhaling all weekend. I hate that guy sometimes. Disgusting. Fucking disgusting.
Thursday 14th January
I should have taken the whole week off sick.
Everyone’s going out on Friday night. Jack’s going so he can continue trying to get Beth into bed. I’ve got to hand it to him – he really sticks to his resolutions. My resolutions aren’t exactly broken, but I know nothing about my camera, my room’s a shit-heap, my waistline is still too big for some of my boxer shorts, I’m still sat at the same desk and Hannah’s fucking somebody else. Still, I haven’t bought any pointless things, unless The Beano annual counts, which it probably does. At least it was in the sale though, and I haven’t read one for years, so it was nice to have a trip down memory lane.
Really need to go to the doctor about my finger but can’t because I supposedly went last Friday and had Monday, Tuesday off sick. They might get suspicious that it was all fake if I go again so soon, especially as I’m not acting ill anymore – I don’t think they’ll buy a relapse.
I think someone’s stealing our stuff. A load of bowls, plates, glasses and cutlery are missing. I had a look in all the rooms but no sign of them. I bet it’s Panda, selling them – it’s the kind of thing he’d do.
I saw a grown man on a push scooter today. A grown man! I think that’s one of the signs of the apocalypse. I don’t care if it is quicker to get where you’re going – you look like an idiot.
…I also bought a sticker album and some stickers, so that resolution has definitely gone out the window.
Friday 15th January
Work drinks tonight. I hope I pull someone. Just a cuddle would do. I feel really lonely.
Saturday 16th January
Woke up alone. Went to bed alone. Despite the company, spent most of the evening feeling alone.
It all started well. I decided I was going to be positive and have a good time. For about two hours I laughed and joined in the conversations. Everyone got drunker and drunker and Jack got flirtier and flirtier. He deployed a lot of gentle touching on Beth – hand on the bottom of her back whilst they were at the bar, hi-fives at every given opportunity and he even stooped so low as to give her a palm reading. Her fortune read: “A treat is coming your way. You’re going to get something massive and you’re going to love it.” Martyn was sitting with us and slurred to her: “Yes you are,” with a drunken look on his face that can only be described as ‘rapey’. Beth didn’t even acknowledge his comment, just continued to stare into Jack’s eyes as he held her hand. He’s so gonna bang her. She wants it so much. Why is Martyn so blind to all this? He needs to pay attention a bit more, otherwise he’s going to get a very nasty shock.
A small bit of me thinks I should get Jack to stop his pursuit of Beth. He obviously doesn’t want anything more than a quick shag, so that means Beth will get hurt when he rejects her and if Martyn finds out that his first girlfriend in five years has received the penis of a work colleague… I’ve no idea what he’d do. If anyone’s the sort to go mental with a gun, it’s him.
I guess that apart from the obvious gross fascination of Jack tempting Beth into bed – and Beth is gross – Martyn only has himself to blame. He’s obviously not a very good boyfriend, otherwise she wouldn’t feel the need to stray. Also, how stupid do you have to be to not spot the signs that funny business is going on? Sometimes you have to learn the hard way. If that involves Beth getting it the hard way from Jack, so be it. Also, she really shouldn’t have laughed at me when I fell over that time, so fuck her.
By about ten, we ended up at The Ship. I was ready to go home, but Jack convinced me to stay. I wish he hadn’t. Entered to see Hannah sat at one end of the pub with some guy. It became very apparent (because she kept touching and kissing him) that this guy was Rob. It’s weird that my initial reaction was outrage that this guy was touching my girlfriend. A split second later, the reality that she’d left me and torn my heart out in the process returned to me. After that I just felt sick.
I made my excuses to Jack and tried to leave, but he made me explain what the problem was. After I’d filled him in, he persuaded me to stay. His advice was to march up to them, all smiles, say hello to Hannah, introduce myself to Rob and be the bigger man. That way I might exorcise the feelings I have for her, or at the very least it will help me come to terms with it. Also, it might piss her off knowing I was cool with it. It made sense, but instead I decided to hide in a corner on the opposite side of the pub and hope they didn’t see me, which luckily they didn’t.
Full of drunken gusto, Martyn said that Rob needed a bloody good hiding, and if I gave him the nod, he’d kick his head in when they left the pub. I could see Beth was enjoying her ‘hero’ offering to defend my honour. I knew it was all bullshit though and Martyn would no more beat a man up than Beth would stop being a fat idiot. I said to him: “You’d do that for me?” Knowing he wouldn’t. He was all: “Yeah. He needs a bloody good hiding,” so I accepted his offer and told him to go for it. The look on his face was priceless, and we could all see it. He immediately started back-peddling: “But then, what’s it gonna achieve? Hannah won’t immediately run back into your arms.” I agreed that she wouldn’t, but explained that knowing he was getting a pasting would make me feel better. Martyn finally withdrew his offer, saying: “I’d do it, man, but I think you’d regret it in the morning. It’s the drink talking. I’ve got to save you from yourself.” He then quietly finished his pint, as Beth looked at him with slightly less love in her eyes.
I hid behind a menu when Hannah came to the bar. She didn’t spot me, luckily. I really wouldn’t have been able to act like everything was fine.
I’d never have done it, or let anyone else do it, but the thought of kicking Rob’s face into the back of his head was certainly appealing.
He didn’t look any more attractive than me, in fact he didn’t look that different at all. I would have thought if Hannah wanted to try something new, she would have gone for something completely different. Mind you, that’s Hannah all over. Whenever we went out for meals she always had the same thing.
I’m surprised I didn’t pass out with the rate my heart was beating. Luckily Jack kept me distracted. We made a top five list of names we’d call an erotic novel. He won with ‘The Furious Wetness Of Hot Love.’ I came a close second with ‘The Cummer.’
I hid once more when Hannah and Rob left. Through the small gap between Martyn and Beth’s heads, I could see him helping her put her coat on – she can do it herself! She’s not a fucking idiot! He then kissed her on the lips and they disappeared into the night. Probably to go home and screw each other.
They’re probably having sex right now. All I’m having is a bag of Tangy Toms and a breakdown.
I need her back so badly.
Sunday 17th January
I’m supposed to be seeing Mark today to check out his new gaff and girlfriend. I’m really not in the mood for it. Think I’ll text and tell him I’m ill. I can’t put it off forever, but I’m sure I can delay it for a week.
I’m so pissed off after seeing Hannah last night that I might have a pub lunch. Screw the diet! Might blow some cash on something pointless too.
Just got back from the pub with Ed and Panda. I had a Cajun chicken breast, topped with cheese, a big mound of coleslaw and a stack of skinny fries. It felt good not to care.
When we arrived, there was an absolutely stunning blonde girl behind the bar. Panda decided that we’d all have a go at getting her number, and if any of us did, they wouldn’t have to pay for their lunch. Feeling reckless, I went first. The obvious place to start was to order the round of drinks. I asked for three pints of Kronenberg and she replied: “Sorry, I don’t work here.” She then walked off. Now, I’ve been rejected by barmaids before, but this took it to a whole new level! A couple of minutes later, the actual barman appeared and got me my drinks. As I walked back to the table, Ed and Panda looked at me in confusion and I had to explain what had happened. Needless to say, I was immediately a laughing stock.
As we drunk our first pints, we watched the fake barmaid flirt endlessly with the barman. We assumed she was his girlfriend until a second girl turned up, a gorgeous brunette, and she too went behind the bar and was all over the barman. I’m guessing he was banging both of them, or hoping to. They were certainly into him, so if he wasn’t screwing them, he was missing out on a golden opportunity. Undeterred by their obvious affection for the barman, Panda finished his meal and third pint and thought he’d try his luck with the brunette. He wouldn’t disclose what he’d said, but I’ve never seen a woman look more appalled. We left shortly after.
I wonder what a threesome’s like? I bet it’s confusing.
Monday 18th January
The diet’s officially out the window – I had chip shop chips for lunch. No point carrying on with the other resolutions now I’ve broken one. It would be too depressing to watch them tumble one after the other, so I might as well just knock them on the head now – except the winning back Hannah one, that’s too important not to continue with. Besides, with no other resolutions to get in the way, it will give me more time to focus on my Hannah mission.
I need to work out what it is that Hannah wants in a man and become that, because she obviously doesn’t want me as I am. Jack’s coming round in a bit to watch Bernard and the Genie, so I’ll contemplate this dilemma tomorrow.
Tuesday 19th January
Decided to stop pussyfooting around and go all guns blazing to win Hannah back. No more crying at night, I need to man up and take the fight to her. After a lot of thought, I’ve decided the two areas I can actively change in myself, in an attempt to win her back, are my clothes and my personality. Everytime I see her, I’ll sport a new outfit and a new attitude to life. I’ll then keep notes on how she reacts to the various incarnations of me until I can see which one she responds to the best. I’ll then assume that role until she’s mine again. After that, I can gradually slip back into the old me.
Texted Hannah when I got into work: ‘So bored of work this week and it’s only Tuesday!’ Surprisingly, she replied straight away: ‘Tell me about it!’ With the lines of communication open, I continued with ‘Operation New Gareth’ (not the most catchy title, but it’s all I can think of). ‘What you up to this weekend? Fancy a pint and a catchup? – I’ll even pay (but only for the first one, after that you’re on your own).’ My confident, but breezy method of attack paid off and she agreed! Seeing her on Saturday.
As confidence won me the date, I think I’ll road test ‘confident Gareth’ on her. Usually we’re both terrible at making decisions about what to do and so on – by the time we’ve decided what our plans are, it’s usually too late to do them, so for me to say we’re doing this or that at this time, will be quite a departure for me, and hopefully one she’ll like. If she doesn’t like it, there’ll be a different Gareth the next time she sees me.
Jack still hasn’t bedded Beth. I sometimes catch her staring at him from across the office. She used to stare at me.
Wednesday 20th January
Went into town at lunch to find inspiration for a new outfit for the date with Hannah. On Friday night, Rob was wearing some grey jeans, a jumper and a smart jacket/coat thing. I hate jumpers, but if that’s what Hannah wants, that’s what she’ll get. I don’t know what it is, but jumpers always feel itchy – that’s why I’m a hoodie man. Went into Debenhams and chose a nice looking one. It was itchy, but it was similar to what Rob was wearing, so I’ll just have to grin and bear it… and itch on the sly. I also bought a black jacket-coat thing, which, if I’m honest, really isn’t suitable for freezing cold January temperatures. I’ll probably win her back and then get pneumonia.
Jack asked what I was up to this weekend. I felt too embarrassed to let him in on my Hannah plans, so I said: “Seeing you, you big loser.” He didn’t push any further after that, so I’ll see him on Sunday, I guess.
Shit… I’m supposed to be seeing Mark this weekend at some point. Maybe Saturday morning, then I can get home around about lunchtime and prepare for Hannah.
Beth had a McDonalds for lunch. Looks like her diet is as dead as mine. I wonder if Martyn is still pursuing his? He still eats a lot of pineapple. Maybe I should eat some pineapple before Saturday – you never know how well things will go. Actually I won’t. I don’t want to jinx it, and besides, it’s never bothered her in the past… or if it has, she’s certainly kept her mouth closed.
Thursday 21st January
Had so much to do at work today. I actually got it all done, which is a miracle. I kept a close eye on Martyn. His diet seems to be off the cards as well. Looks like the three of us are quitters. Thirteen stone isn’t so bad for my height, I’ve realised. Beth can’t say the same, she’s as wide as she is tall.
Those cups, bowls and plates are still missing. Panda and Ed deny all knowledge. If I had to put money on it, I’d say Ed is telling the truth, Panda is lying through his teeth. If he’s selling our stuff on eBay again, I’ll pull his arms off.
I need to go to the doctor about my finger – I’m really worried it’s going to rot off.
Friday 22nd January
Just got back from the pub. Jack wanted to continue his seduction of Beth, so he emailed around asking who was up for a pint after work. Martyn and Beth were, but James and Sally already had plans, so at the end of the day, the four of us walked to The Fleece.
Jack asked me to keep Martyn distracted on the fruit machine whilst he upped the intensity of his flirting. I didn’t really feel comfortable with that – I don’t mind him trying to get her into bed, but I don’t want to be an integral part of it. If he does screw her, and Martyn finds out, I don’t want to get done for aiding and abetting. I didn’t want to seem like a pussy though, so I said: “So I have to hang out with Captain Boring whilst you get your nuts in? No chance!” He laughed at that and let it go, so I didn’t end up looking like a coward, luckily.
Aside from his usual innuendo, Jack didn’t seem to make any more progress and the night fizzled out at about eight thirty, with Martyn and Beth going to get a Chinese takeaway and Jack coming back to mine to watch Critters.
I’m really nervous about tomorrow, which doesn’t help me in my mission to be cool and confident. I’ll be at Mark’s in the morning, so I guess that will take my mind off it for a couple of hours.
Please let her fall back in love with me.
Saturday 23rd January
Jesus Christ Liz is weird. Considering the main reason for going to Mark’s was to meet the woman he’s now set up home with, you would have thought that she’d bother to get her lazy arse out of bed to say hello!
I got there at nine and Mark answered the door looking a bit sheepish. He gave me the guided tour downstairs before explaining that I couldn’t go upstairs as Liz had had a late night and was still asleep. It got to ten O’clock and she still wasn’t up, so Mark went upstairs to rouse her. I could hear hushed, argued words through the ceiling before Mark came down again, alone. “She’s dead to the world,” he explained. If only she was dead, I thought.
I stayed until eleven, playing on his Xbox, and then left. What a waste of the morning. The other annoying thing is that because I didn’t meet her, he’ll want to organise another visit. It’s fucking weird, but I’m not bothered. I didn’t want to meet her anyway.
I’m just lying on my bed waiting to pick Hannah up at seven. It’s 3:30.
5:30. Starting to get really nervous. Don’t know if I should trim my pubes or not… I won’t, it will only jinx things. This is just a legitimate social experiment – as soon as I start wondering if I’ll end up getting sucked off then the whole plan goes to balls.
5:45. I wonder if Hannah’s told Rob that she’s meeting up with her ex? If she hasn’t then she’s definitely interested in me still. If she has told him, I wonder if he’s jealous? I was jealous when Hannah saw her ex those few times when we started going out. I soon put a stop to that though.
Fuck it. It’s only 6:30 but I’m leaving. I can just drive around until it’s time to arrive.
Sunday 24th January
Success!… sort of. Really nice evening with her. Just like old times… only we didn’t have any physical contact and when I arrived at her house I felt like I was going to throw up.
I was initially disappointed that when I got to hers, her dad wasn’t vacuuming the car, but when I got inside to find him polishing some cutlery, I knew everything was right with the world.
Both her parents seemed happy to see me, and I had to spend five minutes filling them in on what I’d been up to. It would have taken longer but I quickly realised that since Hannah left me, all I’ve achieved is stalking a woman on eBay – and I certainly didn’t want to tell them that.
Hannah looked amazing and I couldn’t help smiling to myself as I remembered the time I slammed her up against the kitchen worktop where her mum was standing right at that moment.
We got in the car and Hannah asked where we should go. That was my first moment to unleash ‘Confident Gareth’, so I told her I’d already booked a table at the Horse and Groom. All she said was: “OK, great.” So it was hard to judge her thoughts on my new, no nonsense approach to life.
When we got there, and went inside, I was a bit embarrassed because it was practically empty, and there was absolutely no need for the rather crudely written ‘reserved gareth’ sign placed on one of the tables. They didn’t capitalise my name on it! They also didn’t think to put us in a corner, or against a wall. We were bang slap in the middle of an empty room. I took the lead again and led Hannah over to a different table. Tearing up the reserved sign whilst also not trying to look like I was annoyed.
Rather than directly ask what she wanted to drink, I said: “Glass of white?”, which wasn’t as rude as just ordering her something outright, but still had the air of confidence about it that I was going for. She said thanks and I went to get the drinks. As I stood at the bar, I could see her in a reflection. I was delighted to see that she was checking me out – looks like the clothes were a success. I made sure to stick my arse out a bit more, she always liked my bum.
As well as the drinks, I also ordered a bowl of chips and a pint of prawns to share. I didn’t tell her I’d done this, just let them arrive. She said: “Oh, I’ve eaten,” so I came back with: “That’s Ok, they’re for me,” and proceeded to tuck in. I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist the dead crustaceans though, and very quickly she was ripping the heads off them and dipping her fingers in the side bowl of tepid water.
We made idle chit chat to begin with – things like: “Isn’t it cold?” “How’s work?” “What did you get for Christmas?” and so on. I was worried that what I’d been up to recently wouldn’t seem interesting enough. Luckily those concerns were laid to rest with simple lies. I didn’t pretend I was doing anything big, I just wanted to say I’d done things like go to a dry ski slope, rather than admit the truth – that I hadn’t been to a dry ski slope, and hadn’t, in fact, done anything of any worth since she dumped me. Admittedly saying I’d taken up free-running was a mistake, especially when she asked me to demonstrate one of my moves outside. I rolled across a table like a goat with no legs slipping off a mountain. Luckily I pulled it off with enough comedic performance for her to take it as a joke, rather than the shameful effort at parkour that it was.
I was annoyed that the conversation wasn’t throwing up enough opportunities for my confident persona to shine. It’s hard to pull off an air of confidence when you’re just sitting and listening to someone.
I knew there was one way to drop a confidence bomb, and that was to ask her about Rob. The thought of doing so made me want to cry, but so long as I didn’t actually cry, I knew it would be worth it.
My opening question was: “How’s the love life?” The question worked because she definitely looked surprised. As she shifted in her seat, feeling slightly awkward, I remained casually sat back in mine, one foot rested on the chair diagonally across from me. Inside I felt a mess, like bubbles of sick were rising up and bursting just before they got to my throat, but I’m pretty confident I didn’t crack my confident exterior… pretty confident.
She said things were going fine and then asked after mine: “Well, as I’ve got this chance to be single, I might as well make the most of it,” I said with what I hoped was a wry look on my face. I wasn’t explicit, but hopefully she read between the lines and realised I was fucking everything in sight… if only that were true.
As she seemed to be feeling awkward, I forced myself to push her further. I asked what he did at their work, where he’s from, what he’s into. I kept it light and made sure she thought I really didn’t give a shit. In reality I really did, and at one point went into the toilet and punched the condom machine.
After a couple of hours, I cut the evening short by saying I needed to head off and make an appearance at a friend’s party. I think Hannah was half hoping I’d invite her along, but I didn’t – the reason being that Confident Gareth doesn’t want his ex at a party where he’s going to get off with some sexy bird –the other reason being that there was no party.
I dropped her home and we said good night. I told her it had been great to see her and that we should do it again sometime. My heart did a summersault when she agreed, but I managed to keep my cool. There was a brief moment when I think she was expecting me to lean in and kiss her on the cheek. There’s nothing I would have liked more at that point, but I didn’t lean in and after a slight uncomfortable pause, she got out and closed the door.
As she walked up her drive, I pretended to be on the phone to my friend at the party. I faked some laughter and pulled away, only giving Hannah a quick wave as I did so. I then went home to an empty house and started series three of Ever Decreasing Circles. All in all, a good evening.
Hannah just texted: “How was the party?” I replied with: “It wasn’t the best party I’ve been to recently, but it certainly wasn’t the worst.” Hopefully she now thinks that I’m going to a lot of parties. I asked how her evening was. She said: “Predictably dull 🙁”
Predictably dull? Does this mean things are going sour with Rob? Did my plan of unveiling a new me work on the first go? My brain is full of so many questions and I don’t have any answers. I must find out the answers, it’s imperative.
Please let me get her back. I’m nothing without her.
Monday 25th January
Panda’s birthday on Wednesday. I think he’s depressed that he’ll be twenty-nine. At least he won’t be thirty like me and Ed. I’m still not getting him a present, not after the time I got him some really nice, expensive headphones, and then for my birthday he got me Wham Bars. He hasn’t mentioned what he’s doing. Maybe he’ll have drinks at the weekend. Maybe I could invite Hannah!
Mum keeps asking what I want for mine, but I’ve no idea. I’ll probably just get money. Maybe I’ll ask for Lego. I love Lego.
I’ll see what Ed gets me before I buy him a gift for his. I hope he gets me nothing. I can’t afford all this.
Went to lunch with Jack. He says he just needs an evening on his own with Beth and then he could seal the deal. He asked if I could invite Martyn out somewhere on Friday, then he could invite Beth somewhere else. I still don’t fancy being an accomplice in this, so I said I had plans on Friday night. Also, I’m not sure I want to spend an evening alone with Martyn.
I can’t decide when is best to get in touch with Hannah again. I think I’ve struck gold with Confident Gareth, so I want to fine tune him until I have a me that she can’t resist. I wonder if I could stage a fight to defend her honour, surely that will get her wet.
Tuesday 26th January
Asked Panda what he was doing for his birthday. He said: “Having sex.” I asked who with and he replied: “I’ll find someone.” You’ve got to admire his confidence, although the way he said it makes it sound like he’s not necessarily going to ask that person’s permission. I’m sure it will all be above board and completely legal.
I’d like to have sex on my birthday. The only chance I’ve got is to hire a hooker.
Overheard James arguing with Sally. The thing with those two is that it doesn’t necessarily mean that their relationship is in trouble, I’d be more worried if they weren’t fighting all the time.
Beth looked absolutely gross today, like an inside-out stomach stuffed into a blouse and skirt. I don’t know what Jack is thinking – I would rather be bummed by a thousand maniacs than sleep with her.
Wednesday 27th January
Our house has been invaded by Panda’s ‘friends’. He didn’t warn us that the place would become an impromptu club this evening, but then he doesn’t tell us anything. As more and more people I’d never met before swarmed into the house, I quickly grabbed anything that was dear to me and barricaded myself in my room. I swiped a bottle of vodka and a carton of apple juice too, because if I don’t get drunk, I’m just going to get more and more angry. This way, it will stop me worrying that the place will get destroyed and I’ll hopefully relax enough to go and see if anyone fit has turned up.
It’s not working. I’m drunk and more angry. I think I’m going to go downstairs anyway – someone’s got to protect our things.
Fucking chaos! Shit everywhere! – not literally, but it’s only a matter of time. Would it hurt for one of these cunts to empty the bin when it gets full? It’s not hard. Instead they just throw their empty cans and bottles on the floor beside it.
Ed’s really pissed off, but he’s just hiding in his room. I keep hearing him shout ‘fuck off’ whenever someone tries to get in.
Unbelievable! Just had this guy and girl burst into my bedroom. They looked a bit confused when they saw me, but instead of saying sorry and leaving, the guy asked if it was alright if they used my bed! Yeah! Sure mate! I’m not using it at the moment, be my guest, spunk all over it! I told them I’d rather they didn’t and with that they left. A minute later I heard Ed telling them to fuck off.
I keep drinking vodka and apple juice but I’m no more jolly.
Ventured out again to check the TV hadn’t been nicked. Drunk blokes were trying to impress drunk girls by jumping in our paddling pool. Knowing what the water contained lifted my spirits; I hope they all catch some hideous, killer disease. Maybe one of them will put it away for us!
There’s a really fit, blonde girl down there. Blokes are swarming around her like flies round a beautiful turd. I can’t get near her, but I caught her eye a couple of times and gave her a smile. She didn’t smile back the first time, but she looked away coyly. The second time I got a really cute smile, so that’s a good sign. I’m just having some more vodka before going back out and trying again with her. It feels like I’m cheating on Hannah a bit, especially taking into account how well Hannah and I got on last Saturday, but I guess a one night stand won’t hurt.
There are men being sick and pissing in our paddling pool. Other men are watching and laughing at these men. What the hell is wrong with the world when this is seen as entertainment? Luckily the ‘piss and puke show’ meant that most of the blokes were outside, whilst the females hid inside to escape the immature losers refilling the pool. I stalked the blonde girl around for a while, hoping to get the confidence up to say hello. Even with what must be half a litre of vodka coursing around my veins, I haven’t yet been able to do so – so much for ‘Confident Gareth’! If I can do it with Hannah, I should be able to do it with this girl. I got a another smile from her, but when she did it, I broke eye contact, and when I looked back at her, a big hairy guy wearing a plaid shirt was standing between us.
Ed still hasn’t come out of his room.
Popped out again but couldn’t find blondie. I bet she’s gone home and I’ve missed my chance. I don’t blame her for not staying – men were daring each other to jump over the paddling pool – some made it, others didn’t. No woman in her right mind would want to witness that kind of imbecility.
It’s 3am. I really need to get some sleep but no one’s leaving. I can’t just close my door and hope for the best like that coward Ed. Someone’s got to keep checking on our shit.
Just texted Hannah about what’s going on at the party. She’ll be asleep now, but hopefully it means she’ll text back in the morning and I can try to set up another date.
3:15am. I’m going downstairs again, maybe I just missed her and she’s still here. If I can’t find her, I’m going to have to get some sleep and worry about what happens to the house in the morning. Shit though – what if they smash all our stuff? What is Panda playing at? He should be kicking these fucks out. I bet he’s unconscious in the paddling pool.
4am. People are leaving. There’s still a few casualties strewn about downstairs, but they seem too ravaged by alcohol and god knows what else to cause a problem. I think one guy might be dead, but I was too tired to check. I couldn’t see the blonde girl. Panda was rummaging around looking for more booze. I told him he’s clearing up the house in the morning. He said: “I’ll clear you up in a minute.” In his wasted condition, that probably sounded like a good comeback. I couldn’t be bothered to argue with him.
Fuck it, I’m going to sleep. I won’t survive work if I don’t get at least a couple of hours.
Thursday 28th January
My brain feels like a burger that’s been stamped on. I shouldn’t have drunk so much vodka.
The house sounds quiet. That either means everyone’s gone home, everyone’s asleep, or I died in the night from alcohol poisoning and am in some kind of limbo. I doubt I died when my head feels like this.
It’s 8am. I had about three hours sleep. Work today is going to be hell.
I’d better get dressed and assess the damage to the rest of the house.
This has to be the most bizarre morning in history. Went downstairs and was immediately pissed off because the place looks like it’s shifted into the Otherworld from Silent Hill. From what I can see, it’s only cosmetic damage, but there’s no way I’m repainting the walls or putting up new wallpaper. Apart from a few broken glasses, bowls and plates, everything else seemed to be where we left it, and in good working order. Still annoying though, because it means that with the breakages and the missing crockery Panda may or may not have sold, we’ve only got one cereal bowl left.
I went back upstairs and who should greet me as she came out of the bathroom? The gorgeous blonde girl from last night! We said hello and I was surprised to find that having a hangover was great inspiration to unleash Confident Gareth. I think having a thumping headache meant I was unable to over think or worry about what I was saying, which meant I could just hold a normal conversation. I told her I had been looking for her last night and thought she’d gone home. I was shocked to find that she’d been looking for me too, but when I was nowhere to be found, she assumed the same of me. I explained that I lived here and then, unexpectedly, she said: “Well I’m glad I’ve finally found you,” before leaning in and kissing me.
Even a splitting head can’t take away the enjoyment of kissing someone. Predictably, my nob was over the moon to have some female interaction, and it was rock solid before I’d even put my tongue in her mouth. As an added bonus, she rubbed it through the outside of my trousers as our tongues explored.
She pulled away after a couple of minutes and gave me one last squeeze before saying she needed to get home and go to work. She said her name was Faye, told me to take down her number and give her a text and then she was gone. I’ve certainly had worse starts to the day! Better go to work.
As expected, work was a total grind. Three hours sleep is no good when your job is as mind-numbingly boring as mine. Luckily I had the dilemma of when to text Faye to deal with, otherwise I would have definitely fallen asleep at my desk.
Hannah texted at midday, wanting all the gossip from the party. I didn’t say there was a fit blonde girl there who snogged me the next morning, but I made it clear there were attractive girls around – it’s important I make her think I’m having the time of my life, if even deep down I kind of hate myself pretty much all the time.
It’s 7pm now and I still haven’t texted Faye. I Googled ‘how long should I wait before texting a girl?’, in the hope that there was a hard and fast timeframe for optimum impact. The general consensus in one forum, from men and women, was to give it a day, so as not to seem too keen, but also so that she doesn’t think you’ve gone off her. One person’s suggestion was to never text back, because ‘women are snakes with tits.’ Obviously a messy break up somewhere in that guy’s past – and I thought I took things badly! Ed says if I want to text her I should just do it. He’s really got no idea how these things work.
I wonder what would happen if I texted her that I love her? I don’t, obviously, but it’s been so long since I’ve been able to tell someone that, and I’d really like to. Ideally I’d say it to Hannah, but until she realises that she loves me too, I just have to hold off.
That’s another worry. What do I do about Hannah if this Faye wants to go out with me? I guess I could hang out with Faye until I win Hannah back. Maybe Faye’s just looking for a bit of fun. From the way she was rubbing me up, it certainly seemed like she just wanted a bit of action.
Panda’s in his room. I don’t think he’s come out all day. Ed said we should check he’s not dead, but the last time we did that we found him naked, face up on his bed, and neither of us wants that image again. If his room starts to smell like a rotting corpse, we’ll call someone… although his room always smells like a rotting corpse.
Fuck it, I’m gonna text her.
No reply. Should have waited a day like people said. Once again I screw up another potential relationship.
Friday 29th January
I’m so fucking angry! That absolute cunt Panda! Woke up and saw I had a text from Faye, so that was a great start to the day. Her reply was quite breezy: “Great to meet you too. Hangovers are the worst. You guys throw an awesome party. When’s the next?” but I think I’m safe in assuming that she’s still interested. I got up and went downstairs for breakfast. Ed was using the only cereal bowl and surprisingly Panda was up too, although he still looked like shit.
Inevitably, it quickly became Ed and I versus Panda in a battle to get him to clean the house up. Typically, Panda declined, stating that it was our party too; he didn’t know most of the people there anyway, so they’re not his friends to clear up after; and it’s his Gran’s house and if we want to keep living in it then we need to play a part in keeping it respectable. I hate it when he plays the Gran card. One day Ed and I will move out, then he won’t have anyone to stop him raising the house to the ground.
As we sat around the table, talk turned to that night’s events. Having locked himself in his room, Ed didn’t have much in the way of stories to offer up. Panda of course had a wealth of stories, the most horrific being that he pulled ‘some bird’ and took her back to his room, where he, and I use his words now: “humped her so hard that I think I’ve ruptured a nut.” Who was this girl I asked, knowing the answer. “Some blonde bird called Faye” – of course it fucking was! No wonder I couldn’t find her! She was too busy getting fucked by Panda.
The absolutely awful icing on the fucking cake though was when I asked if he’d see her again and he said: “Why? I’ve done her now. She gave me a nice goodbye blowjob before she left and now we’re both free to see other people. Just how it should be.” Ed asked the question I really didn’t want answered – “Cum in her mouth?” Before I could escape upstairs, Panda revealed all: “Filled it up and she swallowed every drop.” Ed immediately gave me a knowing look, a look that knew that moments after she’d used Panda’s spunk as a mouthwash, I’d licked whatever remained of it from her teeth.
I don’t think I can actually write about this anymore. It’s making me too angry and sick.
I’ve just brushed my teeth for ten minutes. I keep thinking I can taste it. Ed better not tell Panda… or anyone. I’m not texting that salty-mouthed bitch back again either.
Disgusting. FUCKING DISGUSTING!
I’m going to work before I throw up.
Saturday 30th January
James has quit his job! I did not see that coming – he’s worked here longer than me.
He was in Andrew’s office in the morning and we just thought he was getting some kind of bollocking. He came out though and announced he’d given his month’s notice. Apparently he’s got some job in London. Sally was pleased. She kept going on about how her birthday present should be better this year now that he’s on a proper London wage.
I’m jealous. It should be me moving up the career ladder. Instead I’m stuck in this crappy building, having to socialise with a money-grabbing dumb-arse, Captain Boring and a girl so fat she belongs in Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. At least Jack’s OK, although he does have dubious taste in potential sexual partners.
Naturally, as soon as there was a reason for us all to hang out together and celebrate, porky suggested drinks. Jack was immediately in, obviously, and the others very quickly agreed too. I would have said no myself, but going home to an empty room, with nothing but the visual image of Panda essentially jizzing in my mouth was enough to make me seek the distraction, so I agreed. I also thought it was another good reason to text Hannah, to see if she fancied meeting up.
It took Hannah a few hours to get back to me, but the fact that she apologised seems like a promising sign. When we first broke up, she’d take forever to get back to me and never say a word about it. It seems that she doesn’t want to upset me, which can only be a good thing.
She said she was in town herself for the evening and would be starting off in the Fleece after work, and I should say hello if I could. Fucking bongo!
I hadn’t gone to work in my ‘confident Gareth’ clothes, so I told the others I needed to pop home after work, but I’d meet them in the Fleece. Jack took me to one side to check I definitely would be coming. I think he was worried about having to spend an evening with the others without someone normal there. Little does he know, I’m not normal, and one day I’ll destroy them all.
My heart was beating really fast, but I bowled into the Fleece in my new clothes and tried to give off an attitude that said: ‘don’t worry, I’m finally here. Hang out with me tonight and you might just have the time of your life.’ I think I just gave off an attitude that said: ‘I’m walking into a pub.’
I tried to search the room for Hannah without making it obvious that I was frantically searching the room for someone. I clocked Jack with the others in the corner of the pub. He gave me a wave to come over. I raised an arm in his direction in an accidental salute that can only be described as ‘Nazi.’ That’s when Hannah appeared behind me.
She tapped me on the shoulder and said hello in what seemed like a more enthusiastic manner than normal. I thought to myself: ‘be confident,’ and then said: “I’m getting you a drink. What are you having?” I thought it would be good to tell her I’m getting her one, rather than ask if she wanted it. She tried to say no because she already had a drink, but I said: “And now you’ll have two, so what’ll it be?” After that she relented and I got her a glass of wine. She asked if I was coming over to say hello, and I glanced at her table and saw a gaggle of her friends that I hadn’t spoken to in ages. There weren’t any men on the table, so it must have been a girly night out.
I kept my cool and said I’d come over and say hello in a bit as we are celebrating James’ new job. She asked what the job was, but I had no idea, so I said: “Same thing, just in London.” He could be working the till at a brothel for all I know.
At our table, it did make me laugh to see Jack sandwiched between Beth and Martyn. Beth talked excitedly to him as Martyn tried to be involved in the conversation. I sat next to James and asked what the new job would involve. He said: “Same thing really, just in London.” If I was to get a job in London I’d want a change of career. Our jobs are shit no matter what postcode you do it from. He will be getting more money though. I haven’t had a pay rise for ages. Maybe I should ask Andy for a one.
I managed to hold off for half an hour before I went to the bar to get another drink and then sidled over to Hannah’s table.
Her friends seemed pleased to see me. Rose was very drunk. She was friendly, but in a really aggressive way. Hannah had to keep telling her to be quiet, which made her even more aggressive.
I talked to them all for about ten minutes, and think I did a pretty good job hanging onto my confidence, despite feeling like a nervous wreck on the inside.
Just before Hannah and her friends left, Hannah came over to say goodbye. She made a point of telling me what their plans were, and even said if we were bored at the end of the evening, then we should come and find them. There’s nothing I would have liked more, but as the evening drew to a close, I went home without seeing her again. Hopefully she thinks I was having too much fun to be bothered to find her. It also meant I was able to text her this morning to say sorry, and since then we’ve been firing texts back and forth. Nothing sexy, or even flirty, but it’s so nice to actually be talking to her.
She wants to know what I’m doing for my thirtieth. I told her nothing, that I hope it will just go away. I don’t want to be thirty. Twenty five, that’s the best age. Old enough to know what you’re doing, young enough to go crazy and not feel the boney fingers of old age dragging you into oblivion. I just wish I’d gone crazy when I was twenty five – instead I was as restrained as I always am. Fun shouldn’t make itself so hard to have.
Jack didn’t end up pulling Beth. It’s ridiculous how Martyn can’t see what Jack is doing. Instead, Beth and him just fight over Jack’s attention. I think Martyn has a bit of a man crush on him. Beth just wants to crush him, which she could do very easily.
I’ll miss James when he leaves, although I don’t think I’ll bother to stay in touch.
Sunday 31st January
I’ve slept for most of the day. What with Panda’s spontaneous party, and going out last night, I feel emotionally and physically drained.
I still can’t shake the image of Panda’s sperm swimming around inside Faye’s mouth before I went in there and fished them out. I’ve essentially sucked Panda off. He’d probably like that. I need to clean my teeth.
Had a look in our paddling pool. I’ve never seen such a disgusting sight – and I’ve seen Beth!
Had a missed call from Simon. No way I’m calling him back. Depressing freak. It really annoys me when I think about how much fun he used to be before he went right ahead and fucked it all up for us both.
Jack’s just left. We watched Brain Dead – it reminded me that we need a new lawn mower.
I hope no one at work remembers it’s my birthday on Tuesday. That would be boring. I just want to pretend it’s not happening. Maybe I should suggest going for a meal with Hannah… although that might scare her off.
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