Monday 1st February
It’s February. Tomorrow I will be thirty years old. It sucks getting older. You don’t appreciate being young when you are young. If only there was a way I could suck out all the young from someone and put it in myself… that sounds like I’m going to give a blowjob to a child.
No one mentioned the birthday at work. Usually a secret card goes around for everyone to sign. I didn’t spot any suspicious behaviour, so maybe I’ve got away with it. Beth would be the one to make a fuss – any excuse for some celebrating… and cake. She didn’t work here when it was my last birthday, so maybe she doesn’t know.
Ed asked if I was going to see Faye again. I can tell he’s really enjoying this. I’ll get him back somehow. Maybe I could split him and Lispy up? He seems pretty into her. Maybe I could somehow extract some of Panda’s jizz and squirt it into her mouth whilst she slept, then, when they woke up for a morning quickie, he’d end up tasting Panda’s filthy goo. I bet there’s loads of used condoms in Panda’s bin – his room’s starting to stink again. I could empty them into a glass and do it that way. That would be the weirdest image to see if Ed woke – me force-feeding cold sperm into his sleeping girlfriend’s mouth: “Morning Ed, don’t mind me. Milk?”
Tuesday 2nd February
I am thirty years old. I haven’t been this depressed since yesterday, when I was nearly thirty years old.
I have never bungee jumped. I haven’t been in a proper fight. I haven’t achieved a six-pack. I haven’t slept with enough women – I definitely haven’t had a threesome. I haven’t seen two girls kissing, except on the internet. I haven’t put out a fire with my piss. I haven’t told a stranger who’s annoying me to ‘shut the fuck up’. I haven’t climbed a mountain, or even a really, really big hill. I haven’t dived off the top board at Riverside. I haven’t apologised to Jenny. I haven’t set fire to a car. I’ve never done the trilogy of lawn mows (horizontal, diagonal and vertical) in the same cut, giving the grass a lovely, short trim with a pleasing pattern. I’ve never made a citizen’s arrest. I’ve never been arrested. I’ve never completed Circus on the Acorn Electron. I’ve never got a tattoo or piercing. I’ve never punched a horse. I’ve never slept with a prostitute. I’ve never seen Blade Runner. I’ve never tried more than two different brands of aftershave. I’ve never shop-lifted. I’ve never read an adult’s graphic comic. I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend. I’ve never copped off with a friend’s girlfriend. I’ve never owned a SNES. I’ve never named a cat. I’ve never smashed up a guitar at the end of a gig. I’ve never roller-skated. I’ve never tried cocaine. I’ve never cycled to Suffolk. I’ve never had an STD. I’ve never eaten oysters. I’ve never microwaved a marshmallow. Most of those things I’d never want to do, but the fact that I haven’t is still depressing.
Ed and Panda aren’t rushing to bring me breakfast in bed, so I guess I’ll have to go down and get my own. No texts from anyone yet.
One of those two must have our only remaining bowl in their room, which meant I had to eat my Start out of a pint glass. Still, that’s something to tick off the list of things I haven’t done before.
Had a birthday text from Mum, Emma and Mark. Nothing from Hannah, yet.
Not a single person at work remembered it was my birthday. I know I didn’t want any fuss, but how self-involved are they?
I had lunch with Jack and let him in on the secret celebration. I told him I didn’t go in for all that happy birthday crap, but I was pretty sure he’d whisper the news to others in the office. Turns out he’s good at keeping a secret and the working day came and went and I eventually walked out sans card, cake and song. Who would have thought that no fuss is worse than people remembering?
At least I got a text from Hannah. She asked what my big birthday plans were. I really wanted to tell her nothing was planned and ask if she fancied a meal, but that would seem to needy, so I just said I was going out with a friend. Hopefully she’ll read ‘friend’ as ‘sexy female.’
It’s my 30th birthday and I’m currently watching the Christmas special of Dear John. This is beyond tragic.
Panda didn’t get me a present or a card because I didn’t get him one. Ed got me a card but no present. I haven’t had a present to open all day. I should have gone round mum and dad’s. Hopefully they’ve got me that Lego I wanted.
I wish I’d just asked Hannah if she wanted to go out. I can’t text her and say the plans tonight have fallen through, and ask if she fancies a quick pint, because that would make it seem like I’ve been stood up by the ‘sexy female’. Balls.
Wednesday 3rd February
At least birthdays are done within a day. Now I can just bide my time until the next one rolls around.
Our kitchen is starting to smell really bad. I bet one of those freaks at the party has puked in a cupboard somewhere and now we’ve got to try and hunt it out. Oh god… what if it’s worse than puke?
Got a birthday text from Marc. I texted back, telling him he was a day late. He said he wasn’t late, I was born a day early. Not much you can say to that.
He wants me to come round again to meet Liz and suggested Saturday. I said I was busy this Saturday seeing Mum and Dad. He said: “OK, cool. We’ll see you there.” Damn. Still, maybe they’ll have a birthday present for me.
Hilary’s low cut top reignited my passion for her today. It’s a shame nothing happened there. I guess that’s what comes of being unable to talk to women. Maybe I should try again. If I get back with Hannah, I’d be a taken man, so until then, I guess I should make the most of being single and try and pull a few people… mind you, last time I pulled someone I ended up with Panda’s sperm between my teeth. I still think I can feel them wriggling in there. He’s ruined kissing for me.
Beth must have been bored today. She sent me 34 emails. I sent her 3, all under 10 words.
Thursday 4th February
Got a date with Hannah!
She texted at lunch, asking what I was up to this weekend. Her asking me was a real breakthrough, so straight away my heart went into overdrive. I didn’t text back straight away – I needed to work out my plan of attack. If I said “nothing”, then that paints me as the social pariah I am. If I said I had plans, then that goes along with the party lifestyle I’m portraying, but means I wouldn’t be able to see Hannah. In the end, I said I was supposed to be going to a party Saturday night, but now another party has come up on Friday. So I might ditch the second so I can go mental at the first.
The plan worked and she texted back with impressed coos about how she never knew I was such a party animal. She actually never knew I was such a liar, but if it impresses her, I’ll keep up the act.
After a bit if idle text chat, she asked if I fancied the pub on Saturday night – if I wasn’t too hung over. I replied with “sure, why not”, so as not to seem too keen.
Can’t believe I’ve got a date on Saturday with the love of my life. Hopefully she’ll have a birthday present for me – some kind of sexy feel-up in the car park would be good.
I really need to book a doctor’s appointment. I think my finger’s going to fall off. The skins all flaky and there are tiny, raised, red lumps underneath it that pop and release liquid when squeezed.
Friday 5th February
Woke up at about 3am this morning worrying about my plan to win Hannah back. It’s exhausting enough just pretending to live this confident, constantly partying lifestyle – if she likes this version of me enough to date me again, then I might have to do it for real. I don’t know if I have the energy, or the want to do it. When we were together, we used to go out every now and then, which was manageable, but recently I’ve been making out that I’m doing something exciting almost every night, and she really likes it! If we get back together and I can’t keep up the act, she might dump me again. Is it better to be with the one person you truly love, but have to constantly put on an act around them, or be free to be yourself but have a girlfriend you know you can never love as much as someone else? Most people would probably choose the second option, but I’d rather be in love than happy.
I could always try and break my leg if we get back together, then I’d have a few months of not having to do anything… and Hannah might dress up as a slutty nurse again, with that skirt that doesn’t quite cover her bum.
I’ll just have to see what happens on our date tomorrow. I can’t figure out if she’s split up with Rob or not. Please let her have done!
Had a baked potato with tuna for dinner. It was undercooked.
Saturday 6th February
I need some more confident clothes. She’s seen me in the ones I’ve got a couple of times now. I need to go into town and get a new shirt or something. The jacket will be OK for another wear, I think. Really it should be a new jumper and trousers, but the jumper’s all itchy, so it will have to be a nice shirt. Shitters, I can’t afford this.
Got back from town, bought a white shirt with thin black lines running down it and a pair of black corduroy trousers. I’m a little worried that it’s only children of about five years old that wear corduroy. Still, they look smart and a confident person doesn’t care what other people think… it’s only people faking confidence that do.
Going to Mum and Dad’s tomorrow. Haven’t seen them in a while and need to get my birthday present. Mark’s still planning on popping by with Liz. Balls
I feel really nervous about tonight.
Sunday 7th February
Amazing night with Hannah. No kissing or anything like that… well… there was a goodbye peck on the cheek, but I really think we’re getting closer.
I did the usual things that seemed to impress her on our previous dates: I chose where we were going, suggested what she should drink and ordered some food without asking her first.
One good thing was that we agreed to meet in town, which meant we could both drink, although after a few pints my confident persona for some reason started channelling Ray Winstone and when Hannah turned down the offer of a fourth drink, I said to her in a slightly husky voice: “Just fucking drink it!” Luckily she thought it was a joke and laughed it off. It’s a fine line between confident and threatening, thankfully I managed to get a handle on things again and retreated safely to the confident side of the line.
She was really chatty and much more flirty than normal. I’m definitely getting there with her. It felt like we were back together. I could have easily just ignored the fact that we weren’t a proper couple and just had a nice evening, but I forced myself to ask about Rob – to put her on the back foot, and also because it will help me decide what steps I need to take next. She said they were still together, but I definitely detected a note of unhappiness, or something like that, in her voice. I pushed her a bit more, and asked what he was up to tonight. She said rather dismissively that she didn’t know. It really sounds like their relationship has gone to shit – hooray! Now I just need to be a shoulder to cry on, she can vent her frustrations about Rob, I can tell her he’s a fool if he treats her like anything other than a princess, she’ll say I’m too good to be her friend after all she put me through, I’ll tell her that she just needed time to work out what she truly wanted, whereas I always knew what I wanted – her. Then I’ll look her deep in the eyes and lean in for a kiss and before you can say ‘erection’, she’s mine again. I should have done this months ago instead of moping about like big loser.
Hannah’s dad picked her up at about 10:30. He offered me a lift home and Hannah seemed quite keen for me to take him up on the offer. I lied though and said a friend of mine was somewhere else in town and I’d agreed to go find her. I made sure Hannah knew it was a female, but I didn’t make a big thing of it. That’s when she gave me the peck on the cheek. I said I’d send her a text tomorrow before closing the door and watching them drive away. I then walked home alone and in the cold.
Will text her a bit later. Don’t want to seem too keen.
Off to see Mum, Dad, Mark and that cunt.
Fuck me what a retard! Liz has got to be the most abhorrent piece of shit I have ever met. Not once whilst she was there did she crack a smile – she just sat on her arse whilst Mum made her cups of tea and offered her bits of food. She said please and thank you, but why bother if you’re not going to look like you mean it. I asked her questions, like what she does for a living, what she’s into, how she met Mark, how things were going at the new house and about a million other topics of conversation, all them met with very short answers. She didn’t ask one thing about me. She didn’t even give me a belated happy birthday when I unwrapped my present from supposedly the pair of them – it was a gift card for HMV – not the most imaginative gift, but I’ll be able to find something to spend it on.
Mum and Dad got me the Lego I wanted. I haven’t had a Lego project to build for years – unless you count the ‘Fuck You’. I can’t wait.
What the hell does Mark see in Liz… apart from the size of her tits? I really hope she dies soon.
I wonder how many times Hannah’s had sex with Rob?
Monday 8th February
I’m really happy about how the weekend went and have been texting Hannah on and off all day.
I thought reminding her of some of the good times we had might help make her fall back in love with me. I didn’t want to be the one to say: “do you remember the time we…”, the reminiscing needed to come from her, so I planted the idea in her brain by saying: “might be going to Center Parcs next month.” She took the bait like Beth takes a sixth biscuit from the tin. “Cool. I love Center Parcs. Remember that time we went?” she asked. Remember? How could I forget! It was probably one of the happiest weekends of my life.
I gladly recalled those days with her as we sent texts back and forth – the little chalet we had; going down the rapids and her top nearly coming off; the herd (is it herd?) of ducks that kept visiting our patio; learning archery where I nearly killed one of the group with an unexpected ricochet. There were so many happy moments and we excitedly exchanged the memories, although I thought it was probably best not to remind her that Center Parcs was the first time she let me put it up her arse – she knew though!
Hannah eventually asked who I was going with, as I thought/hoped she would. I told her that a friend I’d recently made had never been before, so I was going to be tour guide. I made very sure that I didn’t state if this new friend was male or female, and hopefully me not mentioning will lead Hannah to presume it’s a girl. She tried to get her own back by saying she’ll have to get Rob to take her sometime, but I came out on top when I said: “Well if you do end up going, I’ve got a discount voucher, so tap me up before you book anything.” In your face Hannah! I’m making you jealous now, not the other way round – although if she does go to Center Parcs with him, I think I’ll cry myself to sleep. Actually, if they do go, maybe it will burn down again like the first time I went, and Rob will be tragically lost to the flames.
Collective noun for ducks is ‘Flock’, you can also use ‘Brace’, ‘Plump’ and ‘Waddling’.
Tuesday 9th February
Fucking Panda! For weeks now our kitchen has gradually started to smell worse and worse. We’ve also been thrown into our own Hercule Poirot novel: ‘The Case of the Missing Crockery.’ Got home from work to find Ed searching all the cupboards for the mongoose that obviously had climbed inside one and died. We eventually discovered the stink’s origin – the dishwasher! That filthy Panda has been putting his dirty cups, plates, bowls and cutlery in there for months on end, just because he can’t be bothered to wash up. He didn’t even bother scraping all the food off them first – there were piles of rotting breakfast, lunch and dinner sat at the bottom of the machine. Even when he’d filled up the racks he continued to balance extra items on top, like some fucked up game of Buckaroo.
He’s out at the moment, but when he gets back he’s going to get a serious twatting.
Went for lunch with Jack. He’s convinced he’s getting close with Beth – but he keeps saying that and they still haven’t banged. To his credit, they were texting all Sunday. He showed me some of the messages that were being sent back and forth. They started off normal enough, but as they went on, the level of Carry On-style innuendo became ridiculous. I got to one where Beth admitted ‘I love a big sausage’ and that was all I could stomach.
Valentine’s day on Sunday. I know Hannah won’t get me anything, but should I send her a card? Need to think.
Wednesday 10th February
Ed and I both left before Panda got up this morning, so we left the dishwasher open with a note on it saying that if he didn’t wash it all, we’d dob him in to his gran. Amazingly it worked and when we got home we found all the offending items washed and back in the cupboards. A lot of them hadn’t been washed very well, but considering we didn’t expect him to do any of it, that was quite a result.
Beth’s got a cold – she kept sneezing very loudly. She hates sneezing in front of people because she doesn’t seem to have any control over how loud they come out. The entire office looked up every time she did one.
I’ve come up with a Valentine’s plan for Hannah – one that will hopefully split up her current relationship. I’ll put it into action tomorrow.
Thursday 11th February
Ordered Valentine’s flowers for Hannah. Interflora will deliver them tomorrow. I’m sending them from a man she cheated on Rob with. Obviously she hasn’t cheated on Rob, but hopefully when he reads the card: ‘Hannah, I had an amazing time. Let’s do it again soon? xoxoxox,’ then he’ll start to doubt her loyalty, which will lead to arguments, which will lead to them breaking up, which will lead to me being a shoulder to cry on, which will lead to holding her in my arms, which will lead to dating, and finally marriage. I’m getting ahead of myself, but it’s a good plan.
Hannah mustn’t know that I’m behind it, and there’s a chance she might have her suspicions. Hopefully I’ve pre-empted any suspicions by sending them to her work the day before – because, unlike me, this guy she slept with doesn’t know her home address, so he had to send them to her work. Of course there’s always the chance that she’ll work out that I sent them to her work to cover up the fact that I sent them in the first place. If she asks me I should be able to style it out – I’m a pretty good liar.
Friday 12th February
Jack was trying to organise some drinks after work, so that he could continue working on Beth. I’ve no idea why – her cold has made her face go all big, red and puffy. I told him that that should turn him off her completely, but he says: “More face to disgrace.” I’m not quite sure what he means by that, and I didn’t ask. I would guess he means jizzing on it.
Martyn was moaning that Beth had told him she might be too ill to go to the restaurant he’d booked for Sunday. She must be ill if she’s turning down free food. He can’t get a refund on his deposit for the table, so he asked if I wanted to go with him. Hmmmm… I don’t mind people thinking I’m in a relationship with a man, but I do mind people thinking that my partner is Martyn. I could do much better.
No contact from Hannah, hopefully she’s in tears after being dumped by Rob. Obviously her being in tears is a horrible thing, but it will be good in the long run, in a, ’I want Gareth back,’ kind of way.
Saturday 13th February
No contact from Hannah. Maybe she didn’t get the flowers. Maybe she was off work. I bet she’s gone for a romantic long weekend with Rob. Or I bet Rob pretended they were from him! Didn’t plan for that eventuality. I bet that’s what happened.
Sunday 14th February
I was beginning to think that operation ‘send Hannah some flowers so that the cock she’s going out with dumps her’ wasn’t going to work – it got to 6pm and I hadn’t heard a thing. Then, just when I’d given up hope, Hannah texted asking if I sent her flowers to work! Luckily I was prepared and came back with: ‘No. Was I supposed to?’ She pushed a bit further, explaining that some mysterious flowers had turned up with a strange card. I told her I swore on my mum’s life that I didn’t send them, and that seemed to convince her. She wasn’t offering up how Rob had reacted to them, so I dug a bit by asking: ‘Were they not from Rob?’ She quoted the cryptic message and my heart leapt when she said they’d had a massive argument over them. FUCKING BONGO! In your face Rob.
I made sure not to show my delight, and offered comforting words that I was sure things would be fine between them. I then said I had to go because I had a date and left her alone to contemplate if she was with the right man.
I can’t believe it fucking worked! Mum will probably get hit by a bus tomorrow.
My excitement has worn off now that a lonely night in is on the cards. In fact, my excitement is rapidly turning into depression. Panda’s out DJing and Ed’s out with Lisp Head. Jack keeps calling but I feel too low to talk to anyone.
I need to have sex. I wonder how much hookers charge? It’s the kind of thing Panda will know.
Just Googled it – about 120 quid for an hour, and that’s a cheap one.
Monday 15th February
Sent Hannah a text asking if she was OK? She said she was seeing Rob later, but didn’t let on if they’d made up or not. Hopefully they’re going to have a heart to heart and split up. Please let them split up – I was so lonely last night, I’m not sure how much longer I can stand it.
Beth’s feeling better, I can tell because she sent me about a billion emails. It was nice when she was riddled with germs – she hardly emailed… she barely even spoke… if she could stay like that and also lose all the flab then we might have a Beth I could get on board with…. although I’m pretty sure I still wouldn’t want to nob her.
Beth spent Valentine’s evening sleeping, so Martyn went to the restaurant on his own. I feel a bit guilty that I didn’t keep him company now. The other bonus of going is that it would have stopped me spending the entire night hating myself for being such a waste of space.
Jack went to a singles party on Saturday night and ended up having sex with some girl! That’s why he was calling – to invite me to go as his friend pulled out on him. I can’t believe I was sat alone on Valentine’s night, depressed, when I could have been at a party for other depressed people, all desperate to have intercourse and prove to themselves that they’re not going to die alone.
Tuesday 16th February
Went into town and bumped into Rick Scanlon. Hadn’t seen him since we were at school. I always hated him, mainly because he hated me. Why do people think that just because nearly fifteen years have passed it means you have to forgive and forget and pretend it was all schoolboy fun and games? It wasn’t fun and games when you put that match out on the back of my neck you cunt!
I was in such a low mood after my miserable evening the night before that I didn’t even bother to make any effort when he came over to me. ‘Hey Gareth! How are you? What’s new?’ he asked. I said: ‘Not much.’ He didn’t really know what to say to that, but eventually came back with: ‘What you driving these days?’ I said: ‘A car.’ He then made his excuses and left. No doubt he’s still in touch with all his old crowd of friends from school and will delight in telling them ‘Gareth’s still a fucking weirdo.’ Yeah?… Well at least my dad didn’t get caught wanking-off in a car park.
Wednesday 17th February
My nob leaked wee again.
Thursday 18th February
I can’t believe James is still working. If I was leaving in a week for a better job, I’d be pissing about on the internet all day… I do that and I’m not even leaving.
I’m so sick of people – people talking to me, expecting a conversation. I have no energy for it, and it’s getting harder and harder as I get older. If I’m like this at thirty, what will I be like at sixty? Either a recluse somewhere or dead. I can’t even be bothered to talk to Panda and Ed.
I’m so low. I want to know what’s going on with Hannah, but if I keep asking she’ll work out that I was the one who sent the flowers.
I need to watch Gremlins 2, that’ll take my mind off it.
Friday 19th February
A Friday at work came and went without anyone suggesting we go for drinks. Ed’s in his room with the Packet of Lisps. I know what they’re up to, but luckily they have enough respect for me to keep it quiet… either that or neither of them is enjoying it. I think they were hoping I’d be out for the evening – Ed had the same look of disappointment on his face that I used to have when Hannah would come round for the night and we weren’t alone. You want to be able to pretend that you’re living together, not have to hide in your room because your housemates might say something stupid.
Jesus Christ. They’ve finished whatever they were doing to each other and now they’re downstairs making their own guacamole! They’re so weird.
I take it back! Just tried what was left in the bowl – fucking lovely! Makes the stuff you buy seem like the rectal discharge of a diseased pony. I’ll have to get him to show me how to make it.
Saturday 20th February
Hannah texted and asked if I wanted to go for a drink tonight! Yes yes yes! Result! I told her I was busy and asked if she could do tomorrow lunchtime, luckily she can. It was a risky strategy but it will firstly help make her even keener on me, and secondly, if I’m saying no to her then she’ll definitely be convinced that I didn’t send the flowers.
Please let her have split up with Rob. I bet she hasn’t.
Sunday 21st February
She hasn’t split up with Rob, but she says that things are still a bit tense between them. Rob’s gone away on some job for a few days and apparently before he left, he told her everything was fine with the flowers, and it didn’t matter, but Hannah says the way he said it definitely came across like he did mind.
She actually thanked me and said it was good to have someone to talk to! Ha! Keep talking Hannah, hopefully I’ll convince you to drop that loser.
I have a few days on which to work on her. If I ever had a chance to get her back, then this is it.
I can’t believe how beautiful she looked today. She gets better each time I see her. It will be a shame when her looks start to go… she’ll still be the most beautiful girl in the world, but every girl reaches a peak and then it’s downhill from there.
I wonder what Beth will look like when her ‘looks’ start to go? She already resembles one of those puddles of sick you see on the high street pavement early in the morning, the kind that wasted clubbers leave containing eight pints of beer and a half digested packet of chips.
Monday 22nd February
Ridiculous day. I was sat at my desk, minding my own business, when Hilary and Beth came over to me. Hilary said: “Gareth, isn’t it your birthday this month?” I was a bit taken aback by this, and then she said: “We were just talking about birthdays in the kitchen and I could swear yours is in February.” I could have easily styled-out an answer, but just as I was about to tell them it was at the start of the month, Jack came over and said: “It’s his birthday today. He told me on the stairs.” Thanks a bunch, Jack! Needless to say, suddenly Hilary and Beth were both all over me, lambasting me for not having spoken up sooner and I was having to make excuses for why I didn’t tell everyone. Jack had a huge grin from ear to ear and all I could do was give him looks that said: ‘You’ll pay for this’… and he will.
So, twenty days after my birthday, I had to endure people offering their congratulations, being dragged out for lunch by Martyn, Beth, Jack, Sally and James, and finally, at the end of the day, a sing-along of Happy Birthday where I was presented with a card and cake. It felt utterly ridiculous and I am now working on my revenge plan for Jack.
The only good thing to come out of it was Hilary gave me a peck on the cheek. Her lips were really warm and soft – I’d love to kiss them properly. Beth then ruined it by wiping off Hilary’s kiss with one of her own, which felt like having the sticky, oversized lips of a horses vagina pushed against my face… probably. I still really want to have sex with Hilary – shame it will never ever happen, not even if I tried really hard..
Panda’s started putting his dirty plates back in the dishwasher again! What the hell is wrong with that numpty? We’ll have to nail it shut at this rate. I told him to either get the dishwasher fixed, or wash things up properly.
Texted Hannah, but not had a reply yet.
Tuesday 23rd February
James leaves at the end of this week. My main feeling is sadness, but when I try to analyse why, I realise that I only ever see him at work, and occasional drinks after work with work people. I never really text him outside of work, or think about him. I think it’s just a case of him being good value in the office, especially his relationship with Sally, and when he goes, so does one of my work-based distractions.
Andrew emailed to say a new girl, called Rachel, will be starting on Monday as James’ replacement. I hope she’s fit – as Jack put it, ‘there’s too much troll and not enough tasty in this office.’
I wish Hannah would get back to me. I’ve got precious few days in which to win her back whilst Rob’s away, and I can’t very well do it if she won’t speak to me.
Texted again and told her about the fake birthday at work, hopefully it will make her laugh.
Still no reply from Hannah. What the hell is she up to? Maybe she’s broken up with Rob? Maybe he was so annoyed about the flowers, that he’s ended up fucking someone else whilst he’s away. Hopefully she’s found out about it and dumped him. That would be so good.
She’s texted back. She apologised for the delay but didn’t say why. She seems fairly happy, which is annoying.
I asked if she fancied the pub tomorrow night and she said she’ll come out for one. I also mentioned that it’s James’ leaving drinks on Friday and he’d love to see her there if she fancies a night out. She’s actually out on the town on Friday night anyway for Rose’s birthday, which she said she didn’t want to go to, but she said if I’m going to be around to say hello then it will make it worthwhile! I make her feel worthwhile!!!
I fucking love you so much Hannah. I don’t want to be with anyone else. If I don’t have you in my life, then my life is literally a husk containing a dried up soul.
So excited. On Wednesday I’m going to place plastic explosives around the foundations of her relationship with Rob, and then on Friday detonate the fuck out of it. I’m going to bring that building down and then carry her away from the rubble in my arms, like some clichéd Hollywood movie.
Wednesday 24th February
So excited about tonight. Obviously it won’t go according to plan, or I’ll fuck it up somehow, but the potential for success is making me feel a bit lightheaded…. I might have to go to the shop and get a Lion Bar.
Went for lunch with Jack, Martyn and James. As usual, talk eventually turned to sex. Jack kept asking Martyn what he and Beth get up to between the sheets. Martyn didn’t say exactly what hideous activities they indulged in, but was full of bravado about how much they do it. He did say, however, that they don’t actually do it between the sheets, because it gets too hot… I bet it does – all those sweaty rolls of flab between them. I bet by completion it’s like two exhausted walruses glistening with salty sea water.
I was hoping James might let us in on what Sally likes to get up to in the bedroom, but other than saying: “She really knows her way round the penis,” he kept quiet.
Luckily they didn’t ask me when I last had sex. I think it was in July. That’s about seven months, which is really depressing, but hopefully it will all change after tonight and Friday.
I’d better go and pick her up.
Thursday 25th February
Had a really nice evening with Hannah. She was really chatty and we were quite flirty. To strangers in the pub, we probably looked like we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I played the role of confident Gareth, but the whole thing was a lot more relaxed than it had been, and at one point she even gave me a hug.
Feeling her squeezing her gorgeous body into mine was probably the most erotic moment of my life. Annoyingly, as we were at the bar, I was side on to her, so couldn’t properly get both arms round her to pull her even closer. It’s probably for the best, as I’m pretty sure her feeling a developing erection against her leg would have spoilt the moment. I did manage to get a deep sniff of her beautiful hair though. I managed to refrain from planting a kiss on top of it like I would have done had we been dating, though.
Rob comes back tomorrow, but not until the evening, so she’ll be without him when she goes to Rose’s birthday drinks. Sounds like her and Rose have really fallen out over the last few months, and it’s really put a strain on their group of friends. Rose has always been quite mouthy, if she was my friend I would have ditched her a long time ago.
I would have normally told Hannah that her attitude should be ‘fuck her!’, and to not go to the drinks if Rose is being a bitch, but then she might have stayed in and waited for Rob rather than going out where I can meet up with and pull her, so I said nothing.
She admitted that she hasn’t really spoken to Rob that much since he’s been away. Hopefully absence hasn’t made the heart grow fonder… hopefully Rob will get decapitated.
Friday 26th February
Fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucks. I’m gonna fucking kill myself those fucking cunts.
Saturday 27th February
I wish I was fucking dead. Why does everything hate me so much?!!! I’m such a loser. Why am I always the loser?
I should never have gone. That bitch Rose has always been a cunt.
It all started off nice enough. Everyone went straight to the pub after work, but I went home first. I wanted to look my best for Hannah, so had a shower and changed into my confident clothes. I wasn’t stupid enough to think that winning her back was a dead cert, but I did put on the boxer shorts that I know she likes, just in case.
Got to the pub and made sure I bought myself a pint before joining the others – so that I didn’t have to buy a round. I don’t mind getting the drinks in for everyone, but it’s better later in the evening when the numbers have thinned a bit. I hate all that round crap. I don’t care if people buy me a drink, I’m happy enough to buy my own. I’d rather they didn’t offer, to be honest.
I made sure I kept an eye on my phone as Hannah was going to text when she and the girls had settled somewhere. I then had to either try and convince the group to move on to where she was, or I was going to ditch them and find her on my own.
It wasn’t long before the more grown-up members of the party made their excuses, said goodbye to James and left. Despite my plans for Hannah, I was disappointed to see Hilary leave. James said: “See you later gorgeous,” and gave her a big peck on the lips and a hug before she went. Annoyingly, she seemed to enjoy it. If only I’d had the courage to flirt with her all those times… maybe I wouldn’t feel like slitting my fucking wrists right now if I had.
James was pretty drunk. Everyone was pretty drunk, actually. I was fairly tipsy – I must have been because I even started enjoying myself. On a number of occasions I actually forgot to check my phone for the Hannah text.
Martyn was sickeningly all over Beth. Every time she leant forwards, her arse crack would rise up out of her knickers and ridiculously short skirt. Martyn would then push one of his fingers down, along the crack’s length, until it was trapped between the stretched flesh of her two cheeks and the even more stretched material of her underwear. Each time I got a glimpse of it, I’d look at Jack and he’d give me an over exaggerated ‘phwoar!’ look.
It got to about eight and everyone was itching to move on. I assumed fate was smiling on me, because I finally got a text from Hannah saying they were all in The Fleece and it would be great to see me. Obviously that made me even more nervous and excited than I already was. To my surprise, everyone else was up for a stop at The Fleece before going on to somewhere much more twatty (my words, not theirs).
I clocked Hannah as soon as I walked in, but didn’t acknowledge her and made sure I didn’t make eye contact. I was desperate to see her, but still wanted to maintain my cool air of confidence. It was important to make her do some of the leg work – even if really it was me taking hold of her legs and making them move.
I managed to side step buying a round again, not because I’m tight, but because I wanted to save my money for buying Hannah and her friends a drink. I wouldn’t say Hannah’s materialistic, but I think every girl likes it when a guy splashes some cash about. They especially like it when their boyfriend splashes cash about in front of their friends, showing them what a catch they’ve landed… fucking witches.
Hannah came bouncing over to me as everyone crowded around a table that was far too small for the amount of people on this excursion. James got a seat as he was the centre of the celebrations, and obviously Sally had to sit next to him. Beth and Martyn then both pushed in and took up the rest of the space, the fat fucks.
Hannah gave me a hug and I put my arms around her little waist and gave her a big squeeze, at the same time getting a deep smell of her beautiful hair. She talked about how good it was to see me and I said the same to her. I asked who she was with and she suggested I come over and say hello. My plans were going perfectly and after all her friends had said hi, I offered them all a drink. Hannah said: “You don’t have to do that,” but I insisted, saying: “I know I don’t have to, but I’d like to, so will. So who’s having what?” When I finished taking their orders, I said: “So tap waters all-round?” as I walked off. It’s a shit gag, but always gets a laugh.
I returned to their table with a tray of drinks, not entirely sure if I had ordered everyone the right thing, but at the end of the day I was there to impress Hannah, not make sure all her stupid fucking friends got the right alcoholic beverage inside them.
I was on quite a roll, and worked the table well, asking questions about what her friends are up to now, and pretending to care when they answered. The only question I really wanted to ask was if Hannah still loved me, but with all those idiots around I had to bide my time. She was very touchy feely towards me, and rested her hand on my leg at one point, so that filled me with confidence – and real confidence, not the sort I’ve been manufacturing for weeks on end.
Rose was really drunk – much more so than the others. I know it was her birthday, but she was pretty shitted.
I kept getting eyes from Jack across the pub, desperate for me to come back over. He was either bored of having to socialise with the work idiots, or Beth’s arse had risen so far out of her skirt that he could see her sphincter. I didn’t head back though as I needed to stick close to Hannah and work out how the hell I could get her on her own.
After half an hour, and still with no plan, the answer came when Martyn bowled over and asked if I wanted a drink. As he had already bought me one earlier, I had a pang of guilt and said I should buy him one. He refused, but I took my wallet out anyway and saw that after buying drinks for the girls I was short of cash. I saw a trip to the cashpoint as a perfect opportunity to get away from everyone and reasoned that if Hannah agreed to come with me, then that was a definite sign that things between us were where I wanted and I should make my move.
I placed my order with Martyn and told him I’d return the favour next. I then said to Hannah: “I’m going to the cashpoint. You coming to make sure I don’t get mugged?” I got butterflies in my stomach when she readily agreed.
I was tempted to try and hold her hand as we walked to the bank, but chickened out. As we stood at the machine, she mentioned how cold it was and that’s when I thought ‘fuck it!’ I put my arm around her and pulled her close to me. As our bodies met, she placed her hands on my waist, inside my jacket, and commented on how warm I was. This was obviously the moment we had both been waiting for and I decided to make my move. Annoyingly, all I could come out with was: “I never feel cold when I’m around you.” It was a sickeningly cheesy line, but it kind of worked in the moment. As she looked up at me, with her big brown eyes, I just had to kiss her soft lips, so I leant in, and just as they touched, she pulled away.
I was so convinced that she wanted it too, but she let go of me and stepped back saying: “We’re just friends Gareth.” I lost my cool, calm and collected air of confidence and all the emotion I’d been holding back for so many months came out. I told her I still loved her, and I thought she felt the same way about me again. She said she was sorry if I thought she was giving me signals, but there really was nothing intended other than friendship. With everything fucked, I shamefully begged her to take me back, and when that didn’t work I cried in front of her. A fucking useless loser crying in the street on a Friday night.
Through my tears, I asked if she loved Rob. She said yes – so much for the fucking flowers splitting them up! Another example of my inability to do anything right
As a final kick in the balls, she said I was amazing and that she really hoped I could find someone. She then walked back to the pub alone, leaving me crying on the pavement.
People were walking past me and saw me crying, so I quickly dried my eyes, blew the snot out of my nostrils and onto the pavement and started to walk home.
I hadn’t even got halfway up Duke Street when I heard Martyn calling behind me. When Hannah got back in the pub, he brought my drink over to her. She told him I was a bit upset and would be back shortly. Martyn, the big soppy bear, came out to find me and make sure I was OK. He might have a dubious taste in women, but he certainly ticks all the boxes when it comes to being a friend. I’d like to think I’d do the same for him… I worry that I wouldn’t.
It took about ten minutes of convincing before I agreed to come back to the pub. It would have been easier to go home and hide… much easier… I don’t know why I didn’t. I wish that I’d gone home like the coward that I am.
Hannah and her friends left pretty quickly after I returned. I don’t know if it was because of me or they’d planned to move on anyway. Hannah didn’t say goodbye and we didn’t make eye contact. She was just suddenly gone.
Martyn kept an eye on me after that, and I think he told Jack because the two of them were unusually nice… mocking, but not in a nasty way, more in a ‘if we’re nice to him he might cry, so we’d better make a few jokes at his expense’ way. I’m still not sure why I stayed. I wasn’t very good company. I barely spoke to anyone. I just moped about, watching Martyn fawn all over Beth, and when Martyn was at the bar or having a piss, watching Jack fawn all over Beth. Beth seemed more receptive to Jack than she did to Martyn – she even let him grab her tits at one point. I’m not sure what they were talking about, but they both laughed afterwards.
We moved on to the ‘Twat Factory’ and at about half eleven I bumped into Hannah’s group again. By that point the rift between Hannah and her closest, and Rose and her closest had separated them into two splinter cells. Hannah’s was nowhere to be seen, luckily, but that didn’t mean I was happy to see Rose – far from it. She was drunk. Really drunk. Hard to understand drunk. There was a lot of swearing and I wasn’t really in the mood to decipher whatever the fuck she was going on about. She mentioned Hannah a lot, and the swearing was mostly directed at her. Despite feeling incredibly resentful to Hannah, I wasn’t in the mood to hear her being bad mouthed by a drunk bitch. As I tried to leave her to get to the bar, she followed me, literally shouting: “You think she’s so fucking perfect! She’s a fucking bitch!”
I’d had enough by that point and just wanted to go home like I should have hours earlier.
It’s all a bit of a blur now. I wasn’t that drunk, but I’ve been playing it over and over in my head ever since and none of it makes any sense anymore. She kept repeating how much of a bitch Hannah was, so much so that I had to tell her to calm down. That made her even more irate and she hit me with a verbal barrage: “You think she’s fucking amazing! You’re a fucking idiot! You’ve always been a fucking idiot! Only a fucking idiot would be blind to the fact that she was fucking Rob behind your back for three fucking months!”
I nearly punched her in the face. I genuinely think I would have if Rose’s cohorts hadn’t noticed the drama and come over to intervene. Even with her friends pulling her away, a torrent of abuse aimed at myself and Hannah flew from her lips. I was in shock at first. I don’t think I believed or disbelieved. The words were a jumble in my head. Rose kept screaming. She asked the others to confirm that she was telling the truth. They didn’t say anything, other than “Rose I think it’s time we went.”
From the way they looked at me, I knew it was true and I immediately started crying, right in the middle of the bar. I don’t think anyone noticed – I was out of there long before the wet eyes turned into a river down my face. I was out of there and on my way home – where I should have been after she turned me down at the cashmachine. I should never have fucking left home in the first place.
She fucking cheated on me with that cunt. I loved her so much. I would have done anything for her. I really thought I’d get her back. I was sure she felt the same way. I hope she gets fucking face cancer the bitch. I hope they both die.
Can’t believe I’ve wasted half the day writing this shit down. Thought it would make me feel better. I just feel worse. Wish I was fucking dead. I deserve to be dead, I’m such a useless piece of shit.
Sunday 28th February
Barely left my room since I got home on Friday night. I’m starving hungry and don’t have an appetite at the same time.
I hope she hasn’t given me AIDS. If he has AIDS, and they were screwing without condoms, then I’ve got it too. Oh God, I’ll have to go and have STD tests now.
I can’t stop picturing them together in bed – laughing at me behind my back. It must be why she was working late all those times and going on ‘trips’ with work… she wasn’t on a trip, she was wrapping her lips round his cock the slag.
I hope she dies so much. I hate her.
Ed’s got friends round for his birthday drinks. He asked if I wanted to come down and join them. No I don’t, I just want to be left alone.
Maybe I deserve to be miserable. I hate me.
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