December 2009

Tuesday 1st of December

Absolute bitch. She must have known I still had feelings for her. Even if I was acting cool about it all, she must have known. I’m not a very good actor, so I very much doubt that she was taken in by my ‘I’m happy to just be friends’ attitude.

Freezing cold today – as cold as that fucking slut-witch’s cunting heart.

1st of December. Was looking at the Advent calendars in WH Smith’s. Hannah and I used to always buy each other one. Hers always contained chocolate. I just had a regular one with pictures because they’re more Christmassy and look better… plus the chocolate always tastes like shit. Had to buy my own this year. No doubt she’s bought one for this Rob and he one for her. They’ll probably go out together after work tonight for a drink and a meal and exchange them. She’ll be all excited and giggly, she always loves Christmas. No doubt they’ll both get a bit tipsy, go back to his and he’ll fuck her.

Hannah’s going to have sex with someone else. This is beyond depressing.

Panda asked why I was walking around looking like I was about to burst into tears. I told him about Hannah’s new boyfriend. His response was: “Wank it off, son. Wank it off.” Thanks for that, Panda.

Luckily Ed was more compassionate. Even though he was away, he offered some words of comfort – a very generic: “It’s horrible, but we’ve all been there. Things will get better. It’s important not to dwell on it.”

My not dwelling lasted 5 minutes – until I opened the first door of the Advent calendar to reveal two loved-up-looking gingerbread men holding hands. Texted Ed a picture of it with the message: “I know you said not to dwell, but even the calendar wants to rub my nose in it.” His response was that gingerbread men are men, so if the calendar’s saying anything, it’s that I should start a gay relationship. Things would probably be simpler if I did. I’m sure Panda would be up for it.

So miserable. Feels like I’ve been dumped again. I hope they both die.

Wednesday 2nd of December

It really wanted to snow today… I’m not a weatherman, I don’t know why I wrote that.

Instead of snow, it rained. How does it rain when it’s freezing cold? Surely the rain should turn into snow? Idiot wet.

Martyn asked if I was alright. He certainly has a knack for telling when I’m feeling down. Maybe he heard me crying in the toilets. As a rule, I try not to cry at work, but people were talking about what they were doing for Christmas, and the realisation that I’d spend it without seeing her got a bit much. She’ll be seeing Rob, no doubt. I bet he buys her sexy underwear.

She better not wear the sexy underwear I bought her when she’s shagging him! I bet she does. I can’t stand the thought of him undoing those knickers that tie up at each side with a bow. They were my favourite. I used to love slowly pulling them open. I’ve got to stop thinking about this stuff. Writing it down doesn’t help either.

Had Start for dinner.

Candy canes and lollipops in the Advent calendar.

Thursday 3rd of December

Need to work out what to get everyone for Christmas. Mum, Dad, Emma and Mark… surely I don’t have to get anything for Mark’s girlfriend? Sod her, I haven’t even met her so she’s not getting a gift from me.

At lunch, James, Martyn, Beth, Sally and I went to get food together – to take my mind off Hannah, they said. I was the first in the queue and ordered a tuna and mayonnaise toasted sandwich. The stupid woman serving refused to make it because it would be too messy in her sandwich toaster! What in the absolute arse?! Argued with her for a few minutes before taking a stand and declaring that it was fucking stupid and I’d go somewhere else. I tried to rouse the others into storming out and coming with me, but they decided it was too cold and they couldn’t be bothered. So I was forced to make my point by storming off on my own, leaving the four other people I’d arrived with to place their orders. Unbelievable. Ended up walking around for ages on my own, which was really nice actually because it gave me time to torment myself over the fact that I’d screwed up the most important relationship in my life.

I hope it snows tomorrow. Snow always cheers me up.

Christmas tree lights in the Advent calendar.

Friday 4th of December

No snow, not many clouds to make snow. I don’t know why I’m expecting it, it never usually snows this time of year. It always comes in February. I can’t wait that long.

I can’t stop thinking about it all. Picturing him and her together. Luckily I’m self aware enough not to bore everyone to tears with my problems. I can’t stand those people that go on and on. I don’t want to become like Beth, in both personality and body shape. People say you shouldn’t bottle up your emotions, but at least this way I’m not bothering those around me… until the day I go mad with a gun, that is. Note to self: don’t go mad with a gun.

A girl building a snowman in the calendar.

Saturday 5th of December

I’m now concentrating on other things, like getting my own back on the lens whore. I can’t believe I considered throwing in the towel. I want to hurt her, like Hannah hurt me. If she isn’t crying into her hands by 2010, then I’m a failure… more of a failure. I put some listings on for a bunch of children’s toys, similar but different to things she’s already bought.

Must think about present ideas – things to get people, and for them to get me. Maybe they could get me some kind of bear trap to leave out for Rob.

A jaunty reindeer today. A bit too jaunty if I’m honest. Feels like he’s mocking me.

Sunday 6th of December

A down day today… well… more of a down day than normal. I keep wondering what he looks like. That then inevitably leads to me picturing them together, holding hands with her laughing at something he said, just like the way she used to laugh at me. That then turns into me imagining them having sex. I still want her back. Why is it that despite her finding someone better and treating me the way she did beforehand, like leading me on by flirting and shagging me, that I still want her back? I wonder if I could get her back somehow? I wonder what her friends think of this Rob? They all really liked me, so maybe if they don’t like him as much, they’ll help get her to go out with me again? I’m mad! – firstly, why the hell would they do that, that’s not what friends do. Secondly, I don’t think they did actually like me that much.

Maybe if I find someone else, it will make her jealous? She was jealous when I was with Fi, so maybe if I got a girlfriend, it would make her jealous enough to realise what she’s lost. The trouble with that is that if she isn’t hotter than Hannah, then the plan is fucked, and I don’t think I can get anyone hotter than Hannah. I’m surprised I got Hannah. I remember when we started going out, Panda said: “If she looks like that and has chosen you, then she’s either doing it as a bet or is just an absolute div.”

Doves carrying holly today.

Monday 7th of December

Beth tried to get everyone in the office to take part in Secret Santa, but no one was interested, so it’s ended up being just James, Sally, Martyn, Beth, myself and Greg??! I got Martyn. The easy gift choice would be a novelty tie, he genuinely likes those, but I think I might go for something a little different. Not sure what yet.

Beth mentioned in passing that she onc

e had a colonic. How do you mention that in passing? Why would you mention it at all? She’s obsessed with her arsehole that girl. Disturbing thoughts of her on all fours with a pressure sprayer blasting out the contents of her rectum have been haunting me for most of the day. Disgusting. Fucking disgusting. I wonder what it feels like to have a tube up there? I should ask Panda.

Hilary gave me a smile today. She usually does, but this time is was a much nicer smile than I’m used to. She’s very attractive, for an older woman. As far as I’m aware, she’s single. She doesn’t wear a wedding ring. Maybe I should start flirting with her, see what I get back? I hate flirting: it takes too much energy and I usually end up insulting the woman or saying something stupid. Like the mackerel filleting conversation with Fi… although I did get a snog out of her, so maybe I’m better than I thought.

I wonder if dating an older woman would make Hannah jealous? It will either send out the message: “Look Hannah, I’ve dated an inexperienced girl before, but now I need a woman who knows what she’s doing.” Or it will say: “Look Hannah, this is all I can get now.” Worth a try though… maybe. She does have nice tits still. I wonder how old she is? Must be late forties.

No bids from the whore. No snow. No secret Santa ideas.

A disabled-looking robin in the calendar today.

Tuesday 8th of December

Still haven’t had any thoughts about what to get the family. I’ll just have to get things off their lists at this rate. No idea what they can get me either. The whole thing will be miserable anyway, should just stay at home in bed.

Operation ‘Hump Hilary’ was put into action today. I smiled at her when I arrived and she smiled back. Didn’t make eye contact with her for the rest of the day. Not the biggest leap forward, but ‘slowly, slowly hump the monkey’.

They’ve been interviewing people to replace David. Maybe it will be a sexy girl and we’ll start dating. That would be good… and never happen.

For someone with very dubious hygiene (for both himself and the things around him) and a very lax attitude to the conventions of regular meal times, when Panda does eat, he always warms his plate in the microwave first. He’s such an enigma. Surprisingly private too. I’ve considered getting to know him better, but I’m slightly worried what I’d discover, so haven’t bothered.

I wonder what would happen if you microwaved a plate for ten years? It would probably get so hot that it would time travel… back to when it was cool. See, if I had a girlfriend, thoughts like that wouldn’t keep popping into my head.

Picture of a snowflake today. No real snowflakes.

Wednesday 9th of December

No bids.

Martyn has got to stop saying: “That’s totally potato,” about things. I’ve no idea what it means, or where he’s picked it up from, but it makes him sound like a dickhead when he says it.

Beth looks like a potato.

Smiled at Hilary again. This time I held the smile for a little bit longer than normal. It possibly made me look a little simple, but she didn’t look away. A promising sign I think.

Dark evenings are so depressing. Normally I wouldn’t mind leaving work when it’s dark, but these days it makes me feel so down about all the Hannah stuff. I want to cuddle her so badly. Her neck smells nice.

A polar bear with rosy cheeks wearing a scarf – there’s so many levels of inaccuracy in that.

Thursday 10th of December

Martyn has discovered felching – well, he’s discovered the description of the practice rather than performing the actual act himself (I think… I hope!). Now it’s “felch-spoon” this, and “felch-straw” that. It’s so boring. We’ve all heard of it Martyn, and it’s not big or clever… or hygienic.

Maybe that’s what I should get him for his Secret Santa? A spoon and a straw. Beth would probably like it.

Keep thinking about Hannah. Ended up looking through all my old pictures of her. Wish I’d taken more. Taking photos never seems that important at the time. Now all I have left of her is a small box and memory card of snaps and a couple of pairs of her knickers.

Santa hat in the calendar today.

Friday 11th December

Fell asleep holding her knickers. I’m pathetic. Rob probably fell asleep holding Hannah in his arms; I was cradling a pair of her old pants.

Tried to redeem my pride by making progress with Hilary. Waited until she went to the kitchen and then I followed her… like some kind of awful serial rapist, I’ve just realised. I casually asked what her plans were this weekend and she didn’t mention a husband/boyfriend/male companion, so perhaps I could be in with a chance. There’s going to be some office drinks on Christmas Eve. I need to work on her a bit more before then, try and up the flirting, and then maybe I can make some kind of move.

It’s so not going to happen.

They’ve given someone David’s old job. We all got an email saying someone called Jack would be starting on Monday. Typical that it’s a bloke. There goes my plan of falling in love with a sexy, young work colleague. I’ll just have to concentrate on the attractive, older work colleague. Can Jack be a girl’s name? Jacky maybe? That means there’s still a chance the newbie is female. The smallest impossible chance the world has ever seen.

Christmas pudding today. It looked like Beth… only slimmer.

Saturday 12th December

That cow has bid on the Lego! FUCKING YES! You stupid Lego loving slut. Still a couple of hours for the auction to run, and there’s nine other bidders, but I’ve got her now.

I’m so happy. It seems the only true distraction from heartbreak is revenge. Maybe I should get revenge on Hannah – that might cancel out what I’m feeling and I could then be normal again. Panda says he knows someone who’ll break a person’s legs for four hundred quid, and it doesn’t matter if they’re a man, woman or child.

The auction ended and she lost. Thanks to the wonder of Second Chance Offers though, I was able to ask her if she was interested in buying it for her highest bid price – I just lied that the initial winner had changed his mind. Luckily she agreed and now I’ve got her address!

I can’t believe I’ve finally got her address!

She’s going to send me a cheque. I gave her a fake name and chose a random address to send it to – it’s not about the money, I just need to know where she lives, and this way I can’t be traced. I’ll close down the eBay account once this is all done.

Now I just need to work out what to do to her and also deal with the actual winner of the auction who’s expecting to be sent some Lego because I forgot to bid on it myself. Maybe I should send Panda’s friend round to her house?

The cheeky fuck said she really wants it before Christmas day, as it’s a gift, and also asked if I could do a discount on the postage as she’s really tight on money because she wants to get one more gift for her ‘ill son’ and every little helps. Discount my rectum, but don’t worry love, you’ll fucking get it before Christmas day alright.

A present in the calendar. That’s what I should send to the whore. A present with a bomb in it. She’ll regret conning me.

Had such a good day, but as soon as it gets dark I start thinking about Hannah. I feel like crying as usual. I need her back. I don’t understand what Rob gives her that I don’t. I used to make her laugh; I was really affectionate and told her I loved her, but not all the time in an overly clingy way; I used to make her cum every time we had sex, and often when we didn’t as a nice treat; I was adventurous in bed, but never made her do anything she didn’t want to, even if I really wanted to do it. When I write it all down I can see that it’s her loss, but I don’t know how I make myself feel that. I just want all these emotions gone.

Stole a bottle of Malibu from Panda’s room and drank most of it. Feel too drunk and lazy to drink loads of water. Hate everything. Ripped up the advent calendar into tiny pieces and then cried because I’d ripped up the advent calendar. Need to sleep and wake up when the darkness has gone.

Sunday 13th December

Hungover. Even though I knew I would be, I still feel sorry for myself. My head feels like a horse is kicking a fridge to death in it.

Gonna go into town as soon as I can move without throwing up.

Got back from town. Bought a tub of Lego to send to the eBay winner. I originally listed it as second-hand; that means I can spend the rest of the day playing with it.

Literally spent all afternoon playing with the Lego. Had a genius idea whilst doing so. Emailed the winner of the Lego and said it was no longer for sale and that there was no need to send payment. I then closed my fake eBay account. I’ve decided I will send the lens-witch some Lego, and I spent the rest of the day building the words ‘Fuck you’ with as many blocks as possible. I’m going to send it in the post to her tomorrow. I superglued all the pieces together so that it wouldn’t come apart in transit, and so that she can’t just dismantle it and give it to her kid – if she even has a kid. I’ll think of a better way to get my own back later, but as a starter, this will do.

Fished the remains of the calendar out of the bin. All that survived was door twenty four, so I’ve kept it and will open it on Christmas Eve.

Ed and Panda saw the Lego-swear, I think they think I have a problem… well, Ed does – I don’t think Panda thinks.

Monday 14th December

Posted the Lego ‘Fuck You’ to the con artist. Would love to see her face when she unwraps it.

Broke a bowl this morning.

Can’t believe our dishwasher still isn’t fixed and we STILL have a paddling pool full of sick in the back garden.

The new Jack at work is male, not female. Bang goes the dream of banging the new person.

I don’t know if I like him or not. He’s very confident. He walked in all smiles and hellos to everyone. On my first day I quietly took my seat and got on with my work. He made a textbook error within his first hour, though. He broke the golden rule: ‘don’t talk to the fat, ugly girl at the photocopier’. After that, she was emailing him within ten minutes, just like she’d emailed me when she started. I know this because every time he replied, she’d email me, telling me all the things he was saying.

I think she fancies him. I don’t think he fancies her though, firstly because why would he? And secondly because even though he was quite flirty with her, he was quite flirty with everyone, including Hilary. He got more of a reaction from Hilary in half a day than I’d got in the last… however long I’ve been trying. He’ll probably end up banging her at the Christmas party. I’ve been trying to up my game with her, but can’t seem to get past the ‘making slightly retarded-looking smiles at her’ stage.

Tuesday 15th December

Still need to get presents for the family. Also lacking a Secret Santa gift for Martyn.

I’m getting old. Went for a piss and, after putting my nob away, a bit of extra urine leaked out and ran down my leg! I’ve no idea where it had hidden – I’d pushed out all I thought was left and shaken it dry. Yet still I zipped up and felt a warm, wet trickle of piss leak out and run down to my knee. Had to try and dry the wet splotches on my trousers using the hand driers. My body is failing me. I really don’t need this.

Jack’s still flirting his way around the office. I had a quick chat with him in the kitchen. I don’t like people who are too confident. I can barely stand James’ level of confidence, and this guy is about ten times worse. Martyn seems to like him, as does Beth. Despite flirting with Beth, I think Jack has a thing for Sally. Sally’s too stupid to be able to read, so I don’t know what she’s thinking. I guess this all might be quite interesting to watch for a while. Perhaps Jack will end up splitting them all up, then I won’t have to be the single numpty in the group.

I can’t believe I just bunched myself in their group. I’m in my own group.

Wednesday 16th December

Got a Christmas card from Hannah. It had one kiss on it and was made out to ‘Gareth (and Ed and Panda)’. So depressing. At least she didn’t sign it from ‘Hannah & Rob’. Don’t know if I should send her back one? I could return hers, ripped to shreds. That would be rude though. If I’ve any chance of winning her back then I mustn’t come across as an arsehole.

That eBay slut should have got the ‘Fuck You’ by now.

Thursday 17th December

I feel worried every time I have a piss. I stand there for about three times the usual amount of time to make sure I have excreted every drop of fluid from my body.

Beth emailed to arrange for me, her, Sally, James, Martyn and Jack to all go out for drinks to celebrate his first week at work. He said he was busy – I’m starting to like him more and more!

Haven’t had an email from the Lego-shit. I’ve kept the fake Hotmail account going just in case she replies. I’m a little disappointed. At least she’ll be getting a bigger punishment later… no idea what though.

Found the perfect Secret Santa gift for Martyn on eBay – a book called ‘Encyclopedia Of Unusual Sex Practices’. If he’s going to obsess and go on and on about weird fetishes, then I’d rather he had more than one up his shit-sleeve. Just got to hope it arrives in time.


I need to have sex.

Friday 18th December

Can’t believe how much snow there is. Maybe we’ll have a white Christmas. Schools were cancelled and the roads and pavements were a nightmare, but most people made it into work.

Had a snowball fight round the back of the building at lunch. Jack got me in the face with one. He was really apologetic, but was semi laughing whilst he kept saying sorry. Prick. I was the bigger man and pretend it was fine. It wasn’t fine though. I wanted to punch his head in. Sick of the snow. Partially got my own back on him by stubbing out the points of the pencils in his drawer whilst he was away from his desk.

I decided to slip along (literally) to Jack’s ‘team-bonding-just-started-work’ drinks, mainly because he wasn’t going. If he did go we’d probably fancy the same girl, both make a play for her and he’d win because he’s got that annoying self confidence that girls like. Why isn’t self loathing a turn on?

Sally and Beth were both going on and on, in a ‘I’m joking, but not really’ kind of a way, about how much they fancy Jack. Martyn ended up getting really pissed off which really annoyed Beth. James didn’t react at all which really annoyed Sally. Those four should split up. It would be a kindness. Maybe I should do it for them as they seem unable to?

Saturday 19th December

More snow. My love for it has returned after the snowball incident – time’s a great healer. Ed, Panda and I had a three way fight in the garden of which I was undeniably the champion. The game was called off after Panda started throwing bits of sick-infused ice from the paddling pool. He’s such a bad loser.

Sat in front of a blank Christmas card for about ten minutes, trying to decide what to write to Hannah. In the end went for: ‘Hannah, Merry Christmas, Gareth X’. It was either that or: ‘Why have you ripped my heart out of my chest you shitting cunt-cocking piss fucker? Gareth X’. It would have been more to the point, although admittedly less traditional.

I seem to have got myself incredibly drunk and now I’m pissed off about Hannah, and the camera lens, and the new wanker at work, and Panda’s making a load of noise whilst I try to watch Due South, and Ed’s being a bellend about the dishwasher not being fixed and no one bothering to wash up. Why won’t everyone just go away?! I gladly welcome an apocalypse that leaves me the last person in the world. The first thing I’d do is drive to that Brighton bitch’s house and take back the money for my shitty lens. Although if everyone has suddenly died, then people driving would have crashed, rendering the roads impassable. I’d have to stop at every car that’s in the way, get out and try to move it. It would be easier with a motorbike… although I’d have to learn how to ride one first. Thinking about it, I’d probably just stay at home.

Need a piss piss piss.

Empty. No leaks.

Sunday 20th December


The sofa was suspiciously wet this morning. Panda denies all knowledge but I’d put money on him bringing back a ‘leaker’ last night.

Went into town and bought dull presents from the family’s lists. Let myself down this year. I’m normally so good at getting them something obscure that they didn’t realise they wanted. Shame. Still, at least it’s done now. No idea what they’ll get me – I didn’t give them any ideas.

Didn’t get anything for Mark’s worst half. Can’t believe he invited her over for the lunch. Can’t believe Mum let him either. Shitmas.

Still haven’t posted Hannah’s card. Think I’ll wait ‘til Christmas Eve, that way it’s an ‘up yours’ to her, and will hopefully spoil her Christmas by making her think I hate her, but she can’t hate me back for long because the card will arrive a few days later and the postman will get the blame.

What is it called when people have really dark gums that are almost black around their teeth? Was served by a woman like that in Boots and couldn’t figure out if it was some kind of gum disease or what? Her teeth were really long and massive. Horrible.

I get more and more excited the closer it gets to Christmas, but then I remember that I won’t get to see Hannah, and then I feel miserable. It’s so rubbish. I wonder if she misses me in any way at all? I wonder if I was better in bed than Rob is? I certainly have more years of experience at pleasing her – I know my way round her vagina like a Wookey Hole tour guide knows his cave.

I hope Martyn’s book turns up this week. If not I’ll have to run out and get him a novelty tie on Christmas Eve.

Monday 21st December

Martyn’s still annoyed with Beth after her teasing him on Friday. Jack swaggered in, cock of the walk (or should that just be ‘cock’), a few minutes after me. I noticed Beth checking him out. There was a time when she used to check me out as I walked in. I’m yesterday’s news, I guess. Yet another female has found someone better. Can’t believe I’m jealous about the direction of Beth’s attention. I wasn’t jealous when she started dating Martyn… I guess I don’t see Martyn as any kind of threat. What’s weird is that even though I’m jealous, I still find her repulsive. Odd.

Still snow on the ground. Although a lot of it is just a shitty sludge.

Tuesday 22nd December

No book for Martyn yet. This is getting worrying. I’m a fool for leaving it so late.

Everyone’s really excited about the Christmas drinks on Thursday. It will be fun, but Beth is making out like it will be some incredible event that we’ll talk of for years to come… she probably will talk about it for years to come. She talks about everything for years to come. She’s still going on about the time I tripped leaving the office.

Saw a girl about my age picking her nose in town at lunch. Absolutely disgusting.

Martyn and Beth were back on proper speaking terms. That means she either apologised or sucked him off. Whichever way, Martyn’s happy.

Could overhear Jack going on about how much he loves photography to Greg. Why does he have to be better than me at everything? It reminded me about my shitty lens too, and the fact that I’ve been ripped off. Been annoyed about it all day now. Need a drink.

Wednesday 23rd December

Just got back from Brighton. Drank too much last night which resulted in me getting more and more wound up about the lens. I then started getting annoyed that I’d lost Hannah. At about 1am I realised I needed to do something about these things, rather than just dwell on them. I’m at a dead end with Hannah, but I thought I could sort out that wankstain who ripped me off. Ended up waking at half-six, getting up and driving to her address. Took over two hours because the roads were slow and icy. I was annoyed before I left and I’m even more annoyed now because I didn’t do anything when I was there – just sat outside her house for half an hour staring at it, hoping she’d show herself, which she didn’t. I then drove home. I rang work at half nine and said I had a doctor’s appointment. I guess I’d better head in, otherwise they’ll think I’m taking the piss.

…I should have knocked on the door and had it out with her.

Martyn’s book turned up today – that’s one good thing. It’s quite funny. I’m tempted to get him a tie and keep the book for myself, but I think Martyn needs it more than I do.

Ed’s gone to his parents for Christmas. Panda says he’s going to sleep in Ed’s room tonight to see if it feels any better than his.

Thursday 24th December

Work drinks today. Gonna have celebrations in the office in the afternoon and then everyone’s going on a pub crawl through town. Tomorrow morning I could be waking up next to Hilary. Knowing my luck I’ll wake up next to Panda.

Must remember to post Hannah’s Christmas card.

Friday 25th December

Next year I’m not going to the Christmas drinks.

Day started promisingly – not much work got done and everyone, except Andrew, accepted that that would be the case.

Exchanged Secret Santa gifts in the morning. Martyn’s found a new best friend in the book and everyone else who was male enjoyed it as well. It went down less well with females who were appalled rather than amused by descriptions of such practices as ‘Autopederasty’, which is when a man inserts his penis into his own rectum.

James was my Secret Santa. He got me one Odeon ticket to see Alvin and the Chipmunks 2. Thanks for that.

Went out for lunch on my own but about one minute down the road I received an almighty slap on the back from Jack, which almost sent me flying into the road. I was initially really pissed off that he’d invaded my lunch, but by the end of it I was surprised to find I actually liked him! He’s quite funny once you cut through all the confident bullshit. I realised I’d perhaps judged him too harshly when he offered up a conversation starter of: “Beth keeps going on all the time about how much weight she’s lost on her diet. So if this is her when she’s lost loads of weight – how big was she?!” After that I began to realise that maybe he isn’t too bad. He also congratulated me on the Secret Santa gift I’d got Martyn, so that put me in a good mood.

We got back to the office and pretended to do some work until the drinks and nibbles came out at four. Hilary had helped out with the food and I decided that going up to her and saying: “Very tasty,” might be a good way to kick off the torrid fling we were destined to have – ideally she’d come back with: “The food or me?” And then I’d say: “You of course!” …and then we’d fuck… or something like that. Unfortunately I didn’t say it loud enough and she walked off back to the kitchen with a plate of undercooked sausage rolls without even noticing me. I tried again when she returned, but I stumbled and said: “Nice food” which can only be taken one way. What a prick.

The only drink they had was wine! Not a single beer. So whilst everyone knocked back their plastic cups of free plonk, I had to make do with water. Even as a means to get pissed, wine is too foul tasting to consume I’ve decided… unless it’s rosé of course – which it wasn’t.

Everyone stood around chatting and I tried to summon up the nerve to talk to Hilary and continue my so-called seduction. It was half five by the time I’d worked my way over to her and everyone was heading off to the first of what was to be many pubs. I asked if she was coming to the pub, only realising afterwards that I should have just asked if she was “coming”, which could have achieved what the “Nice food” line failed to. She said she wasn’t as she was off to her sister’s in Norfolk for Christmas. With that kick in the balls ringing in my nuts, a load of us headed off to the pub where I promptly saw Hannah sitting with a bunch of her work colleagues. As shit starts to evenings go, it was definitely up there. All I needed was for someone to diagnose me with cancer to complete the hatrick of crapness.

There were several guys amongst their group, but she wasn’t interacting with any that made me think they were Rob. She came bounding over when she saw me and gave me a hug. Her hair smelt so nice.

She’d obviously had a few drinks because she didn’t give off any air of awkwardness – unlike me who was sober and feeling very uncomfortable. She asked what our plans were. I told her we’d probably just stumble from pub to pub. She said she would be doing the same and hopefully we’d bump into each other again. She asked what I was doing on Christmas day and I told her. I asked her the same and she said just hanging out with family and that she might see a friend later. By ‘friend’ I took her to mean Rob.

She asked what I’d been up to and I wanted desperately to impress her with a string of brilliant things I’d done. All I could muster was that I’d been selling a lot of things on eBay. She asked how the photography was going. I managed to lie and said I’d entered a few competitions. She seemed impressed by that, but then wished me luck, said it was great to see me and went back to her friends.

Overwhelming feelings of anger and misery accompanied me as I drunk my first pint. The only positive was that those types of feelings are a very good breeding ground for thoughts of payback. From then on, I talked to my co-workers, but didn’t listen to what they had to say – I was too busy working out how I was going to get revenge on the eBay bastard for ripping me off over the lens. I came up with a belter of a plan, the only downside being that I had to stop drinking, which isn’t a problem in itself, but when you’re with people who are drinking, they get very nervous when someone isn’t, and spend most of their time trying to convince you you should.

I kept my eye on Hannah from across the bar, and several times I caught her looking at me. I hope that means that deep down she still has feelings for me. They kind of seemed like longing looks, although admittedly it’s hard to tell.

We finally left the pub for the next. I tried to get Hannah’s attention so I could wave goodbye, but she didn’t notice me – she was too busy laughing at something some arsehole was saying.

People are so boring when they’ve been drinking. It’s fine if you’re drunk as well, but if you’re not it can be really tedious listening to people go on and on about the same things and struggle to form coherent sentences. Beth’s painful enough to talk to when she hasn’t drunk her body weight in wine, when she has, it’s like trying to converse with a fridge. I would have thought that someone with a body mass equivalent to a small farm would be able to handle her drink, but no, she was as shitted as the next person.

Our group haemorrhaged colleagues as we moved from pub to pub and by around half ten, I was pretty much left with Beth, James, Sally, Martyn and Jack. Despite drinking a lot, Jack was still pretty with it and able to hold a proper conversation. He has some interesting views on just how hungry for penis Beth seems to be and why. He thinks fat girls have more sexual hormones because they’re larger and there’s more room for them inside. I think it’s nothing more than she’s just a bit of a slut – as some girls are.

Jack’s actually really funny. We compiled a top five list of names Beth could call her exercise video. The only one I can remember though is ‘Fuck Away The Flab’.

At half eleven I bumped into Hannah again, walking down Moulsham Street with a gaggle of her work numptys. There were a few blokes amongst them, but she wasn’t holding hands with any, or doing anything that suggested that one was Rob. She was really drunk and came running over and threw her arms around me and gave me a squeeze. It felt so good and for about three seconds, as I squeezed her back, buried my head in her neck and breathed in deeply, filling my head with the gorgeous smell of her soft hair, it was like we were still together. She then pulled away, said she’d text me tomorrow and skipped off back to her friends.

Jack asked who she was. I told him an ex. His reply was: “Nice arse.” He was absolutely right. As she walked off, her arse looked so small and cute. The blues then began to hit me again as I considered how Rob would be unwrapping that arse on Christmas morning and have all day to play with it. All I’d get to unwrap was a CD, and I don’t mean a cross-dresser.

I left the group after that. I only said goodbye to Jack, who tried to convince me to stay. The others were so drunk that they wouldn’t even notice I was gone. The walk home did nothing to shift the feeling that I needed to smash something and when I got through the door I was more convinced than ever about my plan for the eBastard. I took the rusty hedge-cutter-things from our shed, jumped in the car and drove to her house.

The roads were so free from traffic that I did the journey in just under an hour and a half. Must have been around 2am that I got there, not really sure as I didn’t look at the clock. I sat outside for about fifteen minutes to make sure all was clear, and then I snuck out of the car with the hedge clippers and cut a chunk out of the wires coming from their SKY dish and TV aerial. I made sure I removed an actual piece from both so that there would be no chance of them joining the two back together. I then drove home, my mind turning over and over with the thoughts that I’d either taken revenge on a person who had wronged me, or stopped a very sick child from watching TV on Christmas day.

It’s 10am now. I feel knackered, but more positive that last night’s act of vengeance was justified. Really not in the mood for playing nice with Mark’s girlfriend at Mum and Dad’s though… maybe I won’t play nice.

Saturday 26th December

Just got back from Mum and Dad’s. Ended up staying the night as everyone was too drunk to drive and I didn’t fancy paying over the odds for a cab on Christmas Day.

Actually had a really nice time. Liz didn’t come in the end, which was great, but also disappointing as I was actually looking forward to winding her up. Apparently she and Mark had an argument on Christmas Eve – looks like I wasn’t the only one who had a shit time. I’ve never seen Mum so happy. I think she hates Liz more than I do, although she has met her, so that’s probably why.

Hannah texted, as promised. I’d been building up my hopes that she’d say she wanted me back, and I was to come over and see her. She was so affectionate on Thursday, and Rob was nowhere around that I thought maybe they’d split up and she was having second thoughts about us. All the text said was: ‘Merry Christmas everyone!’ It must have gone to her entire phonebook. I didn’t reply. Sod her.

My Christmas presents consisted of CDs, DVDs and a bit of money. I’d already got two of the DVDs. That’s what happens when you don’t write a list.

Now I’m lying on my bed and the festive period is over. Ed and Panda are both at their mum and dad’s, so I’ve got the house to myself. If I had a girlfriend, she could come over and we’d have a really romantic time. Instead, I’ll probably look at some porn.

I’ve eaten and drunk so much recently that I must have put on a stone. I think I’ll go on a diet and try to get in shape. Getting a really fit body might be a good way to impress Hannah – I’d just have to find an excuse to show it to her. I could invite her swimming. I’ll start in the New Year, that way I can eat and drink like a pig until then.

Sunday 27th December

Ed and Panda returned. They were sensible and told their family what gifts they wanted, so they came back with a fairly decent haul. We spent the day on the PS3, playing Assassin’s Creed 2. Not much else got done.

Monday 28th December

Bank Holiday. Went to Tescos with Ed and Panda. We were supposed to be buying the shared house essentials, but ended up blowing the majority of our combined cash on reduced Christmas crackers. Just finished playing a drinking game where you pull a cracker, and if the loser of the pull can’t guess the punchline of the joke, he has to do a shot. It was fun, but now we all feel like we’re going to die.

Tuesday 29th December

Back to work. Apparently after I left, James and Sally had a massive row. I would have liked to have seen that. Beth says they’re still together, but not really talking to each other.

My inbox was filled with emails from Beth as she gave me every possible detail about her Christmas. I didn’t even ask! She asked what I got and I told her a puppy. Her reply was: “Aw cute!” I then told her that I gave it to a dog sanctuary on the Sunday because I was done playing with it. She didn’t reply back to that one.

Went for lunch with Jack. Spent it trying to remember the top five names Beth could call her exercise video. We didn’t have much luck. I’ve got no excuse really as I was sober when we came up with them. Shame, they were good, too.

Wednesday 30th December

James and Sally still aren’t talking. If they split up, I could go out with her. She’s stupid and annoying, but I think I could put up with those things if it meant I got to see her naked.

Actually, I don’t think I could put up with those things. She’s really annoying.

Beth’s going on and on about New Year’s Eve and how we should all do something. Does she not have any friends outside of work? I’ve just realised that she never really speaks of any, and if it’s a big calendar event where people are expected to have fun, she always wants us lot to have it with her. She’s got Martyn now, surely he has friends? He can be a fool, but he’s OK. Intriguing. Friends or no friends, I don’t fancy spending New Year’s with her… I don’t really fancy spending it with anybody, except Hannah. We’ve had some great New Year’s together… except that time the condom split and I was convinced she’d get pregnant, so we tried to find a chemists on New Year’s day to get the morning after pill, but none of them were open, and nor was the doctor’s surgery so we spent the whole first day of the New Year terrified that she was up the duff. That was a shit one, but the others were great.

Jack asked if Beth had asked me out for New Year’s Eve. Turns out he doesn’t want to hang around with her or any of the others either. We decided that we’d do something on our own that doesn’t involve being stuck in a stinky bar or club. No idea what it will be. I’d rather just stay at home.

Realised that I forgot to post Hannah’s Christmas card. Stuck it in the box today.

I wonder what Hannah’s plans for New Year’s are?

Thursday 31st December

Arranged with Jack over texts last night that he’d come over to mine. Panda’s DJing and Ed’s seeing some girl with a lisp, so we don’t have to worry about being interrupted… although that makes it sound like I plan to fuck him. I definitely don’t plan to do that.

I really can’t be bothered to do any work today.

Didn’t do any work today. Instead spent my time emailing Jack and we compiled a list of classic chat up lines that we’d altered to be insulting, ruder, or just offensive. He was pleased with: ‘Did it hurt… when you fell on the ugly stick?’ I feel I won with: ‘Nice arse… what time does it open?’ Jack also had: ‘If I could rearrange the alphabet… I’d F U.’ That one sounds like it should make sense, but doesn’t really, so I didn’t award him a very good score for that.

He’s coming round about half seven. I’ve bought a load of cheap, yet probably delicious food and we’re going to watch an FX and FX2 double bill. Should be fun.


Like what you’ve read?  Then ‘Like’ it below!


  1. Gareths Tuna Sandwich says:

    Nooooooo!!! Post more, this is the best thing I have found at work all week.

  2. Beth's Colonic says:

    Please add more – how will the year end????

  3. Martin says:

    Please finish of the month at least, you cant keep us hanging like this

  4. Ed (The Ed) says:

    I’m trying!!!!

    1. kdtanner says:

      give the guy a break. i doubt he is stringing us along purely for dramitic effect.

  5. Alex says:

    Haha – It’s literally like your updates are heroin and we’re all smackheads.

  6. Jaunty reindeer says:

    Serious withdrawals!!!!! Come on ed smuggle a book pretty please

  7. Superglued Lego says:

    Fantastic! Need to know what happens with the eBay saga!

  8. Charity L says:

    Thank you for adding what you can when you can.

  9. Gareth's Leaking Cock says:

    Can’t wait for the Christmas party

  10. zara says:

    Love it, update more often please. Wounder if hanna will get back with gareth. My fav charcter has to be panda ! He is soo funny. Xx

  11. MJ says:

    Please, God give us more!! This is the most addictive thing I’ve ever read.

  12. tommid says:

    I want to know what Garth looks like.

  13. Hndzus says:

    I felt so dirty when i started reading this, but 4 hours later i am literally drooling for more.

  14. Anonymous says:

    brill, cant wait for 2010

  15. handzus says:

    i am curious if Jack is gay?? would make an interesting new years

  16. Ed's girlfriend's lisp says:

    25th, best entry ever.

  17. Handzus says:

    i think the ongoing struggle with the kiddie pool is the funniest thing ever

  18. Kevan X says:

    I’m a little worried that Gareth’s losing his mind. I mean, obviously he was always a bit, y’know, but staying sober to drive to Brighton and cut a TV cable?!? Christ and this is 2 and a half years old! Is he in care now?

    1. Sally (not THE Sally) says:

      I don’t think he’s in care, as Ed still has to wait for him to go out before he can steal the diaries, but unless Gareth sorts himself out he’s definitely going to end up in a padded cell!

      Do you think he ever got Hannah back? Even though it;s what he wants, I hope he didn’t. She;s a cow.

  19. Melissa says:

    I read all of this in one sitting. After I finished, I couldn’t even remember how I found this to begin with.

    All I can say is, please post more!
    I see the first plea of writing more was in June, and I’m very concerned!

    1. Ed (The Ed) says:

      Updates are small and slow, but there will be more. Ed

  20. Hannah's Dirty Underwear says:

    I love this site, the life of a middle aged guy desperately trying to win his girl back and maintain his life is enthralling. I cant wait for more.

  21. Person who loves pickles says:

    Ed, are you and Panda brothers?

    1. Ed (The Ed) says:

      No. No relation.

  22. Weird gums lady says:

    I’m definitely going to have to start using Martyn’s ‘that’s totally potato’ line

  23. angie says:

    “Beth looks like a potato”


  24. DJ says:

    Im hoping gareth ends up with jack

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