August 2010

Sunday 1st August

Great plan poorly executed.

I knew things weren’t going to go right when I entered the pub to find Hannah and another girl sat with Rob and the boys.  Luckily I’d crept in like a cheetah hunting its prey and went unnoticed as I made my way to a concealed spot.

After half an hour I considered going home, but a last minute decision to give it ten more minutes paid off and Hannah and the other girl left, leaving it wide open for me to get a pint, give Rob a nod and spend the rest of the time as Bob.

I was with them for about twenty minutes before I put the plan into action.  I texted Ed asking if he was in tonight, so that I would have a reply text to which I could feign my indignation at being being stood up for the cinema.  Ed didn’t respond, and nor did Panda when I texted him.  Luckily Jack seems to be more of a friend and as soon as his answer beeped in, I cursed his name until Rob asked what was up.

I explained the two tickets to see The A-Team, and how one of them was now going spare.  Rob didn’t bite, so I said: “What you doing this evening?  Busy?”  Before Rob had a chance to answer though, Stu (my least favourite of the group) piped up saying: “I’ll go with you.  I used to love The A-Team.  I’ll give you money for the ticket.”  There wasn’t much I could do after that.  It would have been weird to say no, and then extend the invitation to Rob, so I was stuck with Stu.  At least he paid for his own ticket.

All in all, a wasted afternoon… and the film was shit.  So shit.

I hate it when a plan fails to come together.

One good thing that came out of it, actually, was I could see Rob checking out the arse of a stunning girl standing at the bar.  We were all checking it out to be fair, though.

Monday 2nd August

I’ve become obsessed with going to the library and seeing that nutcase race around on his scooter.  Half one, on the dot, he sped in.  I hate him.

There was a lad of about 12 in there with a few mates.  He spent his entire time trying to impress them with how many books he’d read.  One lad said he liked a particular series of books, and this lad said: “Yeah, yeah, I‘ve read them all.  Well, nearly all of them, I stopped when I got too old for them.”  Shut up!  Another kid said: “I like the ‘Gone’ books.”  He was met with: “Yeah, I’ve read all of them. I’ll be honest with you, they’re not my favourite.”

They left after one of the lads said: “Who’s up for an ice cream?  Want one Nick?”  This Nick lad then said: “I’ll go with you but probably won’t have one… actually I will.”  OH FUCK OFF YOU SHIT!

Tuesday 3rd August

I’ve got an idea about how to split Hannah and Rob up, although it’s pretty weak, and dependent on some unknown factors, and I need outside help, and it’s never going to work.  Arghhh!

Wednesday 4th August

Texted Rachel to see if she fancies a pint on Friday.  She said yes.  Unbeknownst to her, I’m actually going to ask her to help with Rob, initially anyway.  If she can come to The Ship one Sunday and flirt with him, then I’ll know if he’s the type to play around, or if he’s as loyal and boring as me.  Hopefully she’ll be up for it because there’s no one else I can ask – I’m not exactly going to turn his head if I stick Beth in a short dress and get her to lean against the bar… that’ll more likely turn his stomach.

Thursday 5th August

Been a year to the day since Hannah dumped me.  That’s a bit of a wakeup call.  One year ago she dumped me and here I am today, still obsessed with her.  In that time I’ve snogged three people, one of whom I gave a semi-erotic massage to before she left in outrage.  I can’t believe it’s been that long and here I am, still hoping she’ll come back to me.

I’m going to get drunk.

I’m Drunk.

Friday 6th August

It might have been a year, but we had many years of happiness before that, and that’s something worth fighting for, I’ve decided.  I loved her so much, and no matter what I try, I can’t make that love go away.  I’m not sure I can be happy with anyone else, and I certainly can’t be happy on my own.  I just need her.

Meeting Rachel later… I hope she doesn’t bring Joe!  “Hi Joe, do you mind if I get your girlfriend to flirt outrageously with a complete stranger in a madcap bid to get his girlfriend to dump him and go out with me again?”

Rachel’s onboard.  Well, she says she is.  She looked at me like I was mental when I told her what I’d been up to and what I wanted her to do, but after explaining what Hannah means to me, she agreed.

She asked what she should wear.  I told her something slutty – “so any of your regular clothes will do.”  Luckily she laughed at that, most girls would have slapped me.

Saturday 7th August

I need better access to Rob.  Once a week isn’t enough.  I could follow him home, then ‘accidentally’ bump into him outside his house, see if he invites me in.  Maybe that would be too weird…. maybe not…

Sunday 8th August

Rachel is fucking great!  She played the whole thing perfectly.  No Hannah so I was able to join Rob and the lads straight away.  After about fifteen minutes, I texted Rachel to say: ‘Ready when you are.’  She was hanging about in town waiting, so after ten minutes she walked in.  I needn’t have worried about Rob checking her out or not, the whole pub checked her out, she looked ace!  I’ve noticed her arse before, obviously, but she had these tiny tight shorts on that just wrapped it up in an incredible tiny package.

Stu was the first to say: “Woah!  Look at that!”  They all stared at her as she walked across to the bar and leant seductively over the counter.  I kept an eye on Rob (with occasional glances at Rachel’s bum), to see what his reaction was.  Like everyone, there was obvious attraction, but it was hard to put into any kind of infidelity context.

Rachel and I made eye contact, but she was such a pro that she didn’t even blink, just continued looking around the pub as she ordered her drink.

Annoyingly, it wasn’t time for Rob to get a round in, so she had to wait at the bar until it was.  I’d already described what he looked like, but as he got up to order the pints, I gave her a tiny nod to point him out.

He didn’t stand near enough to her really, so she was forced to move closer to him.  Luckily her approach didn’t scare him off  or look suspicious though and when she started talking to him, his responses were proper conversation, rather than yes and no answers.

I wasn’t sat close enough to hear what they were saying, but she laughed a lot and gave him plenty of eye contact and understandably, he couldn’t take his eyes off of her.

When he came over with the drinks, he whispered under his breath to us: “Jesus Christ, she’s hot!”  “She was all over you!” I said, egging him on.  “It’s the summer, I’m telling you.  Girls love it.”  He then asked if I was single, and when I said yes he said I should go and chat her up, which was a bit annoying.  I panicked and didn’t really know what to say, so I just said: “I wouldn’t know where to begin!”  “I would.  I’d stick it in her mouth and then her arse, and then probably back in the mouth again” said Stu, longingly, which was met with a moment’s silence before we all laughed.

Rachel stayed for another half an hour; bless her, until Rob left.  She gave him a wave and cute smile as well as saying to him: “Maybe see you another time.  Nice chatting with you!”  All the men in the pub gave Rob daggers as he bowled out the door, wondering what was so special about that guy – if only they knew!

Rachel left shortly after that and I followed five minutes later.  We met up in Smiths at the train station to debrief.  I said thanks and bought her a lolly – I’m not sure if accepting payment for what she had just done makes her a prostitute or not.

In analysis, she thinks he would probably play away, as most men would if they thought they could get away with it.  She said that even if he wouldn’t sleep with someone behind Hannah’s back, the chances are that at the very least, he would flirt, take a down a number and text on the sly.  That’s fine with me, I don’t want him to fuck her, just have some fun over texts.

I asked if she was free next Sunday.  She said yes, but I could tell from her voice that she’d rather not be.  I told her it will be worth it if it works, and then I’ll be indebted to her forever.

Monday 9th August

Had too much to drink last night and was sick this morning.  Made it into work, but I was even less productive than usual.  Had a sausage roll at lunch – Beth’s got me addicted.  Is this how obesity starts?

Tuesday 10th August

Heard ‘Lump’ by the Presidents Of The United States Of America on the radio.  Haven’t heard it for about 15 years.  Reminded me of Amira, she always used to sing it at school.  She looked so cute as she bopped her head from side to side in time to the music, miming the lyrics.  She was so pretty.  Awful song though.

Wednesday 11th August

I’ve got to stop going into the library at lunch, it puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

Either Gold bars have become harder to eat or my teeth are less dexterous than they once were.  Bought a pack at lunch and tried to eat just the chocolate off of three of them, leaving the biscuit intact – kind of like a biscuit-based ‘Feast challenge’.  Impossible – I used to be so good at it.

Thursday 12th August

Dad texted asking if I wanted to come round for lunch this Sunday.  Had to fob him off – the sooner I can get Rob in the shit with Hannah, the better.

Today was the first time I’d ever drunk Lilt from a glass.  There’s a lot of bits hidden in it.

Friday 13th August

Friday the 13th.  Unlucky for some, but mainly me – a big chunk of my filling fell out.  Need to book a dentist appointment.  Not sure when my next one is – I always end up losing the appointment card.

Saturday 14th August

Just got back from Jack’s.  Ended up staying round last night with Martyn.  I could tell Beth wasn’t happy at all about him going, but saying something would have brought questions, and there’s no way she wants Martyn to find out that Jack inserted a phone inside her vagina.

It was a good night.  His sister was there, but she spent the majority of it in her room.  I’d liked to have joined her!  So would Martyn judging by the terrible ‘bloke’ comments he was whispering to me when Jack was out of earshot: “Don’t get many of them to the pound!” and so on.  Sometimes I’m embarrassed to be near him.  Luckily he didn’t do anything too weird in front of her – just tit squeezing gestures behind her back.  I don’t get his obsession with large breasts, I’d much rather have a small pair of tits to play with – just one of the reasons why Hannah was so perfect.

Sunday 15th August

Rachel phase two, here we go.

This is good.  It’s going well, too well!  Either Hannah’s gonna turn up and catch me on their table one week – a genuine worry, or I’ll die of some AIDs related illness, although since meeting Rob, my worries about that have subsided – he doesn’t seem like the AIDs type.

I’ve actually become ‘one of the lads’ amongst that lot, with them checking if I’m coming down the next week, which is good because I don’t have to feel like I’m forcing myself onto them – they actually want me there!  Rob even lent me a DVD of The Thing today because I mentioned last week I hadn’t seen it all the way through.

Rachel returned to the pub after a quick text from me.  She’d gone for a short skirt this time, and another top with thin shoulder straps.  This time she didn’t wear a bra, which meant you could really see the outline of her little boobs.

Adam was the first to spot her – well I was, but I pretended not to.  “Look she’s back!” he said as they stared at her walking to the bar to order a drink.  “My turn to talk to her this week.  Who wants a pint?” asked Stu.  We all did, so off he went to get them, making sure he stood right next to Rach.  After five minutes, he returned to the table with the drinks and Rachel!  I wasn’t expecting that, but had to roll with it.  Stu was a bit put out when she took a seat opposite Rob rather than him and I have to say she played it very well, fixing Rob with a huge beaming smile as she sat down, leaving him in no doubt what her feelings were (even if the feelings were false).

They exchanged pleasantries before Rob introduced the others on the table.  I nearly laughed when he introduced me as Bob, but Rachel somehow managed to keep her cool and said:”Hi, Bob, great to meet you!”

It was interesting to watch their little dynamic.  Rob was playing it cool, but I could tell he couldn’t believe his luck that this stunning girl was so interested in him.  She does flirty very well.

The majority of my time was spent fielding questions to Stu, Adam, Craig and Nump, so that Rachel and Rob could have as much time together as possible.  It wasn’t easy, what with the other boys so desperate to talk to her, but they eventually got the picture that she wasn’t interested in them or me.

No one mentioned Rob having a girlfriend, and Rachel and I had decided she wouldn’t ask, as that way the flirting wouldn’t have the shadowy figure of a girlfriend hanging over it.  Also, if Rob didn’t mention Hannah, then the prospect of him being unfaithful in some way was far more likely.

Aside from all-out flirting, Rachel’s primary objective was to swap mobile numbers.  I felt like punching the air when I saw her taking his down out of the corner of my eye.  She told me afterwards that he’d shown her a funny picture and, to get his digits, she asked him to text it to her, which he did.  She then immediately texted back: ‘Thanks. 😉  x’.  Fucking bongo!

I left before Rachel, saying it was nice to meet her as I headed to the door.  She stayed another ten minutes with them before heading off too.  We’ve both agreed to meet up Tuesday night and plot the next move.

What kind of fucking nickname is Nump?

Monday 16th August

Tired.  Was up ‘til gone 2am watching The Thing.  Such a good film – got to love those old-school effects!  I’ll give it back to Rob on Sunday, along with the two FX films I said I’d lend him… no I won’t!  Why the fuck am I lending my DVDs to the man who stole my girlfriend?  Also, I’d started to feel a bit bad about what I’m doing – I can knock that on the head too!  That mother fucker tore Hannah and I apart – it’s time for some payback!  He deserves what’s coming.

Tuesday 17th August

Just spent the evening with Rachel, texting Rob.  I thought we’d have to devise a reason for her to text him – my thought was to find a funny picture on Google and send it over, but she’s laid the ground work since Sunday night for me.

She showed me the texts, just normal banter, but each message ended with an X, which is promising.  I got her to send ‘Hi, what you up to? x’  He got back instantly saying he was round Nump’s and asked what she was doing.

In her reply, I got her to put two xx’s.  I knew he’d come back with two as well… actually I thought he’d come back with three, in a move I’ve played in the past where you add one more kiss than the girl does.  If she does the same and it escalates ridiculously, then you know you’re definitely in.

Our next message to him topped the previous by one kiss, and his message back replied with three also.  It went on like that, finally peaking at twelve.  He so wants a bit of her.  Just need to work out the best method for using this.

Texted Hannah, saying: ‘If they don’t, it won’t matter anyway.’  I then immediately texted her again with: ‘Sorry, that was supposed to go to someone else.’  She texted back saying: ‘I did wonder.  Thought I was losing my mind!’   I said: ‘Fear not, your mind is intact – unlike mine, Panda is deafening the house with his ‘music’.  *Sigh’ (he wasn’t really). ‘Oh dear.  Stick some tissues in your ears and try to get some sleep,’ she said.  ‘Yes.  It’s either that or kill him.’  ‘That works too, lol.’  I stopped texting after that.  I just wanted to keep myself at the forefront of her mind.  God I miss her.

Wednesday 18th August

I’ve got a real hardon for grapefruit juice at the moment.

Thursday 19th August

Went for lunch with Beth.  Wasn’t my idea, I was supposed to be going for lunch with Martyn, then he invited Beth, then Andrew had a go at Martyn for being late with something, so he had to stay behind and do that and I was left to take her out for feeding time.

I let her choose where to go.  She chose Burger King and ate almost an entire cow.  On the one hand I was repulsed. On the other, I was kind of impressed.  I wish Jack hadn’t told me all those things about her though – it’s very hard to make eye contact anymore.

Friday 20th August

Texted Rachel to check she’s still in touch with Rob.  She is but is worried Joe will find out and think something’s really going on.  I said we should meet up this weekend and discuss the final part of the plan, because I’ve got a few ideas how it could work.  She said OK, so I should really try to fine-tune those ideas.

The best one at the moment is for her to just put it out there and ask him out.  The downside is that if he says no, it could end the whole thing.  He hasn’t admitted to having a girlfriend, so if she did ask him out, he might just try to have her as a bit on the side, and not dump Hannah – then he’ll have two girls!

She’s busy Sunday so can’t come to the pub, which isn’t a big deal as she can keep setting him up via texts, but it would have been nice to remind him what he’s playing for.

Saturday 21st August

Went to Mum and Dad’s for lunch with Emma.  Mark was supposed to be there but cancelled at the last minute.  That witch probably told him he’s not allowed out.  Found all my old comics in the loft!  It’s quite disappointing that reading them isn’t as much fun as it used to be.  I used to love The Bash Street Kids.  The Bash Street Kids annual was a Christmas highlight when I was younger.  It sucks to get old; all the things you loved become boring.

Sunday 22nd August

Sorted my plan for operation ‘Relationship Death,’ so off to The Ship.  Will take him the FX films, he was really keen to see them and as I’m tearing him and his girlfriend… my girlfriend… apart, it’s the least I can do.

Hannah was with him at the pub, so I had to keep a low profile.  Nump nearly spotted me when he went to the loo, but luckily I remained undetected.

Rob and Hannah were all smiles and touchy feely, which made me want to be sick, so I thought I’d do a test.  Texted Rachel and asked her to text Rob ‘hello’.  She said OK and a few minutes later Rob’s phone pinged and he looked at it.  He quickly put it back in his pocket when he saw who it was from and continued his conversation.  Hannah didn’t pay any attention to the message he’d received, but it was enough to give me faith in my plan

I’ve realised that before all this started, I should have bought a cheap mobile phone and got Rachel to use that, so I could take it off her and be the one texting Rob.  It would have meant she needn’t have had to deal with him away from the pub (and worry about Joe finding out), and I would have had total control over what was going on.  I’ll know for next time.

When Hannah went for a wee, I watched Rob quickly tap out a message.  I texted Rachel to forward on to me what he says if he texts her.  I then got the message through that he had sent: ‘Hey lovely.  Can’t talk right now as just in the middle of something.  Spk laters tho, ok? Xxxxx’.

Why’s he calling her ‘Lovely’?  Fuck off!  Cheating cuntbag.

Rach asked what I wanted her reply to be.  I waited until Hannah was back before asking her to send: ‘OK honey, text me when you’re free. Xxxxxx’.

I watched him closely but didn’t he didn’t check his phone.  I asked if she’d sent the message, and she had.  It wasn’t until he went to the bar to get a round in that he looked at the screen, quickly typed something and placed it back in his pocket.  A few moments later, a forwarded message came from Rachel saying: ‘xxxxxxx.’  You dirty bastard.  Hannah deserves better than you.  She deserves me!

I still feel a bit guilty and sick when I think about what I’m doing, but then I also think that Hannah should know that the person she’s with can’t be trusted.

It didn’t look like Hannah was leaving any time soon, so I snuck off without saying hello.  I’ve still got his DVD.

Monday 23rd August

Met Rachel for lunch and filled her in on the pub action yesterday.  Also filled her in on how we need to proceed.  If Hannah’s in the pub on Sunday, it would just need some well worded texts to come through on Rob’s phone and their relationship could be over by Monday.  Of course, if she isn’t at the pub, it’s another week of anticipation and feeling sick.

Tuesday 24th August

I got Rachel to ask Rob if he will be in The Ship on Sunday.  He said he might be, but wasn’t sure, so he would let her know on the day.  My guess is that he’s going, but doesn’t know if Hannah will be in attendance and wants to play it safe.

He asked if she was free on Saturday at all!  Fucker!  I wonder if Rach would kiss him if they met up, so I could get a photo of them together?  Doesn’t have to be a proper snog, just a well-timed peck would do.  I could then arrange for Hannah to see the picture somehow.  Perhaps print it out and post it to her?  That would finish them off, surely?!  I don’t think Rachel would meet up with him though, she’s worried enough as it is about Joe finding out.

Wednesday 25th August

This is turning into the slowest week since records began.

Thursday 26th August

I hope Hannah’s there on Sunday.  I can’t go through another week of all this waiting and planning.  I want my head to be empty again.

Panda’s playing loud music.  I think I jinxed it the other day by telling Hannah he was making a racket when he wasn’t.

Friday 27th August

Want to text Hannah again but can’t think of a good excuse.  I’ve already used the accidental text tactic.

Saturday 28th August

Going to The Ship tomorrow.  If Hannah’s there, Rachel’s going to come and join me to send some well-timed texts.  It’s tempting to get her to go up to Rob and expose him in the flesh, but I don’t think I can do that to Rachel – Hannah might punch her!  If Hannah’s not there, then no doubt Rob will text Rachel himself to invite her down.

Not exactly a boiling hot day, but having a barbecue anyway.

Emptied the paddling pool all on my own as I need things to keep me distracted – thinking about tomorrow is doing my nut in.

Sunday 29th August

Ship time!  Please don’t let this go badly.

Hannah wasn’t there, but I’ve got another, possibly better, shot at it tonight.

I joined the boys and gave Rob back his DVD.  He noted that with my absence last week, he thought I’d done a runner with it.

Not wanting to have to wait another week to find Rob and Hannah together, I pressed everyone on what their plans were for the evening.  I didn’t really pay attention to what Stu, Adam, Craig and Nump said, but I listened very carefully to Rob explain his meal out with his girlfriend.  “Where you going?” I casually asked.  The Lion Inn, it turns out.

I’ve been to The Lion before, it has a weird no booking policy.  I told him this and that it can get rammed, which led to me being able to innocently ask him what time he was going.  “7:30,” he said, to which I replied: “Oh, you’ll probably be alright at that time.”

I stayed for a bit and then made my excuses and left.

Rachel’s picking me up in ten minutes.  We’re going to The Lion in her car, so that Hannah can’t spot mine.

Here we go…

Got to the restaurant at about 7:15 and waited for them to arrive.  We were both quite nervous, as we had no idea how it would all play out.  I knew how I wanted it to go, but there were many reasons why it could go wrong – the main being Hannah and Rob both spot me, she calls me Gareth and he calls me Bob.

We saw them arrive and head inside, arm in arm – which was enough fuel to convince me to go ahead with it.  I waited fifteen minutes (a decent enough amount of time for them to get seated) before creeping in and searching the room, whilst at the same time seeking cover by the bar.  It was hard to spot them at first, it’s pretty dark in there (they really need to sort that out, it’s annoying when you’re trying to eat and can barely see the plate), but eventually I found them over at the back.

I returned to the car to get Rachel and then we both sought cover inside.  The plan was that Rachel would drop him a text, and Hannah would see it.  We did and she didn’t.  The problem was that Rob had a pretty good poker face whilst checking his screen, and even managed to reply, telling Rachel that he was in the middle of something but would get back to her shortly.

Rachel replied to that: ‘OK honey. Xxx’, and Hannah didn’t question that one either.  We waited a few more minutes before she texted again, and immediately followed that with another.  He didn’t pull out his handset this time, so must have silenced the phone.

He waited until Hannah had gone to the loo before checking the messages.  He didn’t reply though, I guess not wanting to encourage more.

It was looking hopeless, but finally we had a stroke of luck when I noticed Hannah take his phone.  She didn’t seem angry, so it obviously wasn’t down to the texts, but whilst she held it in her hands, Rachel quickly tapped out a message saying: ‘Can’t wait to see you again. Xxxxx’.

It arrived as Hannah held the handset.  Being so far away, we couldn’t hear what was said, but we saw her show the screen to Rob, who quickly tried to take it from her.  She pulled it out of his reach and did not look happy.  I quickly told Rach to text again, and within a few seconds, a furious and confused Hannah was once more showing the screen to Rob.  That’s when Hannah got up, still holding the phone.

Rachel and I panicked, legged it outside and jumped into the car, slumping down in our seats to hide further in the shadows.  We peered above the dashboard to watch Hannah storm into the car park, followed by Rob who kept pulling at her arm, trying to calm her down.

I nudged open the window and we both listened to the shouting and the tears, and that’s when I felt awful.  Really, really awful.  Occasional bubbles of rage at what the pair of them had put me through in the past would occasionally float to the surface and make my actions feel just, but they’d eventually pop and the sick feeling would return.

Hannah kept asking Rob what was going on.  He kept explaining the texts were just a friend having a laugh, and nothing was going on.

Rachel asked me if I wanted to ‘finish them’.  They looked pretty finished to me, but in a rage-bubble moment, I said: “Finish him!” in the style of Mortal Kombat.  That’s when she pulled her top open at the neck, took a picture of her left boob and sent it over.  It was a risky move, as she had to use the flash, but her clothes were thick enough to conceal it.

It seemed like an eternity waiting for that picture to land on Rob’s phone.  I was beginning to think we’d been beaten by poor signal and it would bounce back, but finally Hannah checked his screen again.  That’s when she really started crying, and then threw the phone at him.  He looked at the picture and rubbed his head.  He knew it was game over, so his denials turned to apologies.

Hannah asked who she was and he explained it was just a girl he had met in the pub.  She then asked if he’d fucked her.  There was a pause, before he finally said “yes” – what in the cunting-fuck?!!!!!!!

That’s when I looked at Rachel, who cowered even lower in the car.  I whispered: “When did that happen?” and she whispered back: “Saturday.  We ended up hanging out.”  “What about Joe?” I asked.  She shrugged her shoulders before saying: “We haven’t been doing well for a while.”

That revelation was too much to take in right then, and I returned my focus to the car crash happening outside.  Hannah was telling Rob to fuck off whilst he repeatedly apologised and tried to hug her.  He eventually got the message after the fifth time she pushed him away and swore at him.

She then made a very teary phone call to her dad, asking to be picked up.  Rob tried to convince her to have a lift home with him, but she wasn’t having any of it.  Eventually he got in his car and left as Hannah waited outside on pavement for her lift to arrive.  Her face wet with tears.

“I think it worked,” Rachel said, rather awkwardly.  I agreed, my mind flipping between the horrific break up I’d subjected the girl I love to, and the disturbing thought that Rachel had had sex with Rob.

Rachel suggested we go, but I wanted to wait to make sure Hannah got picked up OK by her dad.  Once he had collected her, we set off, not saying a word until she dropped me outside the house.

I keep telling myself that in some ways, Hannah deserves to have a taste of her own medicine.  For some reason, though, that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Not sure what to do next.  I want to comfort her.  She’s my baby and I want to make her feel alright again, even if I’m the reason she feels like shit in the first place.

Just texted her: ‘Is it me, or does Start taste different these days?  They better not have messed with the recipe; ruin it like they did with Kia-ora.’  She didn’t reply.

Monday 30th August

Terrible night’s sleep.  I didn’t dream about any of the traumas of the previous evening, but they were still pretty messed up.

I hope Hannah’s OK.  It’s a Bank Holiday today, so at least she doesn’t have to go into work and see Rob.

Ed asked if I was alright as I seemed a bit quiet.  I obviously didn’t tell him the truth, just lied and said I had a headache.

Hannah just texted back.  All she said was ‘Haven’t had Start in ages.’  I replied that she should try it and let me know.  I then asked how she was.  ‘Been better,’ she said.  I asked what was wrong but she didn’t divulge any information, even when I really pushed her.

I tried a different tact and asked what her Bank Holiday plans were.  She said she didn’t have any.  I told her mine were the same, so we should make the most of it and go for a pint.  She said she wouldn’t be much company, but after about fifteen minutes of relentless persuading, where I was even beginning to bore myself, she agreed.

Going to pick her up now.

Possibly the most awkward drinks experience ever!  We went to the Horse and Groom.  It crossed my mind to suggest the Lion Inn, but that would have been cruel.

She didn’t mention Rob, or any of what happened, and when I asked what was up, she said: “Just work stuff,” so I didn’t push.  I was hoping that our glorious reunion would be a more cheerful event, but if I’m being honest, it was a wretched experience.  I took her home after about an hour.

Still can’t believe Rachel shagged Rob.  I’m really annoyed about it.  She said they ended up hanging out on Saturday – hanging out the back of her it seems.

Tuesday 31st August

Not sure what to do now.  Hannah won’t open up to me, so I can’t play the knight in shining armour, as I’d planned.


Like what you’ve read?  Then ‘Like’ it below!


  1. Beth in a short dress says:

    Sweet update!

  2. Stu's ticket says:

    Love this thing! I’ve been reading “My Housemate’s Diary” ever since I stumbled upon a link on Reddit about a year ago.

  3. Stunning Girl''s Arse ( I ) says:

    I hope this leads to our hero getting with Rachel in front of Hannah in the pub. The drama that could come out of that would be great.

  4. beths dress, wider than long says:

    the up-dates are much too short, it was much better when i first stumbled upon this site and could read at my pace, however i’m sure this is down to a collection of random factors !

  5. Library Scooter Nutcase says:

    I think I can safely say that every reader is willing there to be a big “D’oh” moment where Gareth realises Rachel likes him, and (probably after a bit of romcom strife) they get together.

  6. Rachel's arse says:

    Hoooowwww stupid is Gareth! Even writing down “Rachel’s ace”, “Great arse” blah blah and doesn’t realise he actually fancies her.

    Poor Rachel.

  7. well read 12 y/o says:

    This really was a tasty update, Ed. | suggest pairing it with a nice Chilean Merlot.

  8. A2M says:

    This is getting good.

    We need more!

  9. Rob's Mate Stu says:

    Gareth doesn’t realize that Stu is the ‘Gareth’ of Rob’s mates. lol.

    1. Slutty Clothes says:

      I do see the similarity. But his comment about Rachel was definitely more of a Martyn comment than a Gareth comment.

  10. Pool Fly says:

    This is amazing and I can’t wait for more. It’s starting to get so much more interesting.

  11. gareths insatiable appetite for drama says:

    cant believe it

  12. Bob says:

    Oh wow. Forget Tywin Lannister or Littlefinger, Gareth is the most Machiavellian villain of our time! His plotting is incredible. Cannot wait for the moment it all collapses.

    Also, has anyone wondered how Rachel has explained her trips out with Gareth in her ‘slutty clothes’ to Joe?

  13. Nump is a ridiculous nickname says:

    Brilliant updates – you just know that Gareth’s masterplan is going to collapse pretty sharpish…

  14. Thirteen x's says:

    I’m so looking forward to the time when Gareth is in the pub with his new “buddies” and Hannah comes in …

  15. Beth's Cow says:

    This is starting to get so good again.


  16. Rachel's bum says:

    Joe is defo going to find out!

  17. Creepy Gareth says:

    I sense a lot of drama coming soon..

    I hope Joe finds out!

    What if Hannah finds out that Gareth set this all up…

    Ugh. Updates plz.

  18. Beth's Frothy Mars Bar says:

    I need the update for Sunday 29th August, badly!

  19. The Ship says:

    I have a question, Ed. It seems like you and Gareth are nothing like Panda. How did you end up becoming housemates with him of all people?

    1. Ed (The Ed) says:

      Gareth knew Panda from school. I met him through Gareth. Despite his madness, he is a nice guy, honestly. Also his gran owns the house we live in, so we all get cheap rent 🙂

      1. the ship says:

        On a related topic, how did Panda get his nickname? There must be a story behind it.

        1. Ed (The Ed) says:

          It comes from his family. They all call him it. I’ve always known him as Panda.

  20. Pickle says:

    Fucking loving the regular updates Ed, you absolute legend.

  21. Rachel's Butt says:


    Used to be no updates for weeks. These regular updates are much better.

    I keep checking during the day for the Sun 29th update!

  22. Rachel's Left Boob says:

    Whoa! I did not expect THAT! Not only has Gareth broken them up, he’s led Rachel straight into Rob. Every way, Gareth’s looking like losing out.

  23. Mortal Combat says:

    HUGE update! I can’t! I really just can’t. Whatever I it was I couldn’t do, I certainly can’t do it now.

  24. DVD of the The Thing says:

    Latest update… it’s real out here

  25. rob says:

    i have to say…. that sex was worth it

  26. Dayum. says:


    That’s crazy.

    Surprised Rach went that far… Hrm. I can see her and Gareth shagging soon.

  27. Sleazy Rob says:

    Wooooah did NOT see Rachel sleeping with Rob!

    Think she likes Gareth and was getting sick of him not noticing her and so when Rob (who I presume is good looking) starts paying her loads of attention, I imagine she was like well, might as well, Gareth’s a lost cause.

    Gareth you are so stupid!

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