Thursday 1st April
April Fools’ day – Jack convinced Martyn that when I was a child, I’d been fucked by a Doberman. I only found out because Martyn told Beth, and Beth told me. I told Martyn it wasn’t true and that Jack wears his sister’s underwear. The game was on after that, so Martyn told Jack that I’d secretly been for a date with his mum. Jack’s mum’s dead, so that back fired. Jack then told me that Martyn had once soiled himself at his desk. I told Martyn Jack had once killed a horse for a dare and also told Jack that Martyn once unknowingly went on a date with a transsexual.
It continued like that for most of the day – each trying to outdo the other in the ridiculousness of our claims. It came to a stop when Jack told Martyn that he’d fucked Beth the other night. To make things worse, Beth was standing with us at the time. Luckily, thanks to all the untruths that had gone before it, Martyn didn’t believe him and laughed it off, saying: “You wish mate!” Beth’s chin hit the floor… although with that many chins, it doesn’t take much encouragement.
Got home and decided to continue the work fun, so I told Panda a girl had turned up at the front door claiming she was pregnant with his child. He was white with shock for a couple of minutes as I strung him along, and then I finally revealed it was an April Fools’. He didn’t look impressed. Ten minutes later he came up to me and said that he’d spoken to his mate, ‘Big Steve,’ who was going to the Norwich gigs. He said he’d told Steve to wait until I go to the toilets and then follow me in and give me such a buggering that I’d try to smash myself unconscious on the cistern just to get through the pain. I waited a few moments as the threat hung in the air before asking: “April Fools’?” “If you like,” he said. Maybe I won’t go tomorrow – the trouble with Panda is that could all very well be true.
Friday 2nd April
It’s Good Friday, I hope that’s the case tonight.
All packed and ready for Norwich. I’m pretty sure Panda wouldn’t really have me raped as revenge for an April Fools gag, so I’m going.
Just met Big Steve. Nice guy, definitely not a raper… although you never really can tell. Turns out he’s the friend we’re staying with.
It also turns out Panda and I are sharing a room! I asked Panda what we do if I do manage to get a girl back? “Why can’t you do the easy thing and just bang her in the car park like any other self-respecting bloke?” he asked.
I’m so not bringing a girl back here, I don’t fancy ‘banging one in the car park’ either though. If I pull, I’ll hire a hotel room. Maybe I should book a room before I go to the club? Panda said pulling was a certainty if I’m with him… I won’t jinx it; I’ll be doubly annoyed if the only thing I’ve spunked on tonight is a fifty quid, unused hotel room.
Just seen the posters Panda’s had done for this weekend’s festivties – they feature a picture of a zombie-fied Jesus with the words ‘The Dead Will Rise’. He’s really tapping into the Christian market, I see.
We’re off out now. Getting some Chinese before sound-checking at the club. Fingers crossed that before the night’s through, I’ll be having sex with someone, and I don’t mean Big Steve… although I’ve worked myself up into such a repressed sexual frenzy that if I don’t pull, it might just be him who gets followed to the toilets. Panda would probably like the thought of that.
Saturday 3rd April
Well that was a waste of time. It started really well – Big Steve is a lovely guy. If I had to go gay… I wouldn’t… but if I had to, had to, then Steve would get both barrels.
The Chinese was really, really nice, and Steve paid as a sort of welcome gesture – just one of the reasons why he’s a lovely guy. We then got to the club and Panda did his sound check, which seemed to comprise of playing some music. Wasn’t like that in my day, you actually had different instruments to plug in and mix the levels of, rather than just a fancy tape-deck. DJing is bullshit. You might as well just stick a fucking record on and leave it at that.
It wasn’t a big club, but they managed to squeeze enough wankers in to leave you praying for some flames and a blocked fire escape. Big Steve started off the night as people were let in, and then a couple of hours later, he announced Panda. I was pretty surprised at the reaction he got. It was like he was some kind of rock star, rather than a bloke putting other people’s music on in a certain order.
As the heady beat of smash anthems from DJs Luftwaffe, Megabhallz, and Wankstain filled the floor, girls of varying attractiveness started to occupy every corner of the club.
Panda told me to work the room and not come back until I’d entered someone. I prowled around waiting for one of the girls to get separated from her group so I could make my move. I saw a good one head to the bar on her own and decided to follow her and start a conversation.
I thought my opener was pretty strong – “Hey, you alright?” It wasn’t too cheesy or too full on – just a nice way to kick things off. Her reply of: “Look I’ve got a boyfriend so don’t bother wasting your time or mine,” was unexpected, but at least it left me in no doubt. Unfortunately that rather took the wind out of my sails and I didn’t have the courage to speak to anyone else all night.
By this point, Panda had the usual gaggle of girls around him. I could have joined him, passed the records to him or something to try and get some deflected pussy action, but by that point I’d already grown tired of the whole thing, so left and went to the cinema to watch Kick-Ass.
The film was good, although it annoyed me when they used the song from Sunshine in the slow motion action scene bit – get your own music!
Got back to Steve’s and let myself in with his spare keys. Had a look around his flat and went through a few of his drawers to see what was what. Nothing too incriminating – jonnies were probably the most scandalous things.
Went to bed but was woken up in the early hours by Panda and Big Steve both returning with a girl each. I vacated the room (in a move that hopefully means if I pull tomorrow night, Panda will do the same) and spent the rest of the night on the sofa, listening to Panda and Big Steve subject their respective partners to what I can only describe as some very effective sexual intercourse.
Off to the next club now. Panda says he’ll hook me up. I hope he does.
Sunday 4th April
I just don’t know what my problem is. Stuck close to Panda at the start of the night, and managed some good banter with a few of the girls. It was pretty obvious though that they were all just hedging their bets until he made it clear to them which ones would be treated to his pork sword that night.
Sat on an empty table with Big Steve and we swapped our favourite Panda stories. His tale of Panda pretending to be disabled was good, but I think I took it with the infamous ‘jumping into the penguin enclosure’ yarn.
As the place filled and seating became a more precious commodity, we were eventually joined by a trio of girls. One was very thin, and quite shy, another had a big head and didn’t take her coat off all night and the third was fat and ugly. As usual, the munter had her sights set on me.
Luckily she was cool to talk to, so it wasn’t bad in that respect. The main trouble was that the more I talked to her, the more she thought she was in, and the more awkward it became. If I could have had my pick, then the thin girl would have been the one, but she sat next to Big Steve and he quickly set to work on her.
My only option was the girl who had a big head. She was OK-ish. She had a pretty face; it’s just that the features were spread out over a wider surface area than they should have been. If she could have pulled them all in together a bit more, then I think she would have been more of a looker. She would have had to shave down the skull a bit too. She made the bad choice of wearing her hair in a bun thing. That just drew attention to how wide and high the head was. If she’d let the hair fall down on either side, then you might have thought that she just had big hair. Either way, I tried to make conversation with her (Sophie) as the big one (I think her name was Karen), made conversation with me, and Big Steve made conversation with the thin one (don’t know her name).
I should have asked Sophie for a dance, but I just couldn’t get over how big her head was, and also Karen would have been a bit put out, so after about an hour I escaped and headed back to Panda, hoping some of his flock would switch their attention to me. They didn’t. Even when Panda had breaks from the decks and he actively tried to turn some of the girls on to me, they still pretty much ignored me.
By the time the night was ending, I decided a big head was better than no head, and had a hunt for Sophie. I found her on the dance floor, getting off with some other guy. I was half tempted to bite the bullet and just go with Karen, but when I saw her again I quickly realised it wasn’t going to happen. I know Jack has his saying that ugly girls are more fun in bed, but I’m not sure I’d even be able to get it up with her. At least Sophie had a nice body to concentrate on… unless she had some hideous defects buried under that coat.
I slept alone again on the sofa as Panda had fun with two of his followers. For a while I thought Steve had struck out too, but it turns out he’d fingered the thin girl in the staff toilet that Panda had access to. I lose again.
How the hell does a threesome even come about? I just don’t understand how you get to the point where you say: “You know what? I’ll do you both, then everyone’s happy!” If I suggested that I’d get a slap – when Panda does he gets to see two gorgeous girls writhing around on top of each other.
I don’t know if I can handle another night out. Luckily it’s more of a pub than a club tonight. Hopefully it won’t be a late one either as it’s Sunday… although it is bank holiday tomorrow.
I should have stayed at home eating Easter eggs.
Monday 5th April
Back at home now. No luck last night. Spent ages talking to a really nice girl with short hair and a cute little grin. Bought her a few drinks and was really making her laugh at one point, but she just wasn’t receptive to any of my further seduction techniques. As we sat on the sofa, I rested my arm on its back and gently touched my fingertips to the bare flesh on her arm. She didn’t flinch, so I thought that was an OK to go ahead and gently stroke them up and down a bit. She carried on talking but shifted in her seat so that we were no longer in contact.
I tried again at the bar. We went up together so she could see what the options were, and as we stood there I put my hand on the nape of her back. To see what was in the fridges, she jumped up on the metal step around the bottom of the bar and leant over. For a second my hand stroked across her bum and then returned to its original position as she stepped down. I thought that surely must have been a green light, so I started stroking my fingers under the hem of her top, across her bare skin. She turned to me with that cute grin and I thought she was going to go in for a kiss. Instead she said: “Vodka and mango J20, please,” and skipped off back to the table.
I didn’t try again after that. What an arsehole.
Waste of a weekend. To think Jesus died for that. Mug.
Wonder what Simon’s been doing this weekend? Bet it was killer!
Tuesday 6th April
Beth’s really taken this cheating on Martyn thing badly. It seems that not a second of the day passes without her stuffing something in her gob (food, not penises). Must be comfort eating, I guess? I do feel sorry for her; she hardly moves from her desk anymore. I suspect it’s in fear of bumping into Jack. I’m pretty sure she’s been secretly crying too. I prefer her this way. She was always so loud and annoying, always in your face and essentially bullying you into doing things she wanted. Now she’s quiet and far less offensive.
Panda filled Ed in on our weekend, making sure to highlight my lack of success with the ladies and his very definite success. I think Panda was expecting Ed to laugh at me, but he actually told me not to worry about it, and that I’ll find someone when I least expect it That’s the problem with Ed – he’s so fucking likeable. I hate that about him.
Wednesday 7th April
I wonder if Beth will try to kill herself? She looks to be on the verge, and every day her condition worsens. She’ll either kill herself or feel the need to confess all. She’s so down that even Martyn’s spotted it, although he thinks it’s just because of her period – “Painters are in mate / surfing the crimson tide / it’s like the final scene from Carrie in there,” and other such euphemisms that pop into his head.
Can’t find Indian In The Cupboard. Panda and Ed say they’ve not seen it.
Thursday 8th April
Jack was chatting up Sally in the kitchen. According to him she’s gonna “get it” next. I don’t think she’ll be as easy to crack as Beth – Jack’s way better looking than Beth so it makes sense that she’d be desperate to get him in the sack, whereas Sally, although stupid, has got a body that makes you cry, and she knows it, so she’s got nothing to gain… apart from a possible STD, knowing Jack.
Friday 9th April
Another night alone in bed.
What’s so awful about being alone is the inevitable analysis of why you’re in that position. I lie on my bed, night after night, trying to work out what it was that made Hannah decide that I wasn’t enough. I usually come up with five or six pretty solid reasons, the main one being that I’m a loser.
Saturday 10th April
Panda gave me back Indian In The Cupboard. Having been reminded of its existence, he decided to borrow it from me like I’m some kind of sub-letting agency for the library. I’m surprised he got through it so quickly – what with all the sleeping and masturbating he has to cram in. I’m also fairly shocked that he still remembers how to read.
Sunday 11th April
I’m so bored of washing up. I wish our dishwasher worked. I used to be so bored of loading and unloading the dishwasher, but since it stopped working I’ve been stuck in another level of hell. Come back to me you gorgeous, salt-infused-water, miracle of cleaning!
I’ve put on so much weight, despite the fact that I’ve barely eaten a proper meal since Hannah revealed herself to be a whore. I guess the vodka doesn’t help, and I get through a hell of a lot of that.
Monday 12th April
Saw a young Japanese boy today who was dressed in rolled up trousers, a waistcoat, tweed jacket and was offering his mum a Fisherman’s Friend – you just don’t see that kind of thing very often. Funny to think that I’ll probably never ever see that sight again, even if I went to Japan. I’m not sure if that thought makes me happy or sad… it’s probably best if it evokes no emotion at all, yet it does… I just can’t put my finger on which emotion it is though.
Tuesday 13th April
Saw Martyn and Beth heading into MacDonalds at lunch. I could have easily knocked back a pack of nuggets, but was feeling so disgusted with my physical form that I just got a prawn sandwich from M&S.
Growing up, a prawn sandwich from M&S was the height of lunch satisfaction. It tasted good and prawns felt like a posh, special crustacean to be eating because I usually only had them in a prawn cocktail at Christmas. Now it just doesn’t hold the same appeal as it once did. I’m not sure if they’ve changed the recipe… like those bastards at Kia-ora did once… but then how much change can you inflict on them – it only consists of prawn, bread, butter and mayonnaise? I guess my tastes have just changed. My mouth has grown tired of prawn… good name for a single.
Wednesday 14th April
Think I saw someone I went to school with today. He was in the cash machine queue as I walked past. It took about a second for some kind of familiarity to set in, and by that point we’d both made eye contact. I immediately looked away and carried on walking, but only because I wasn’t sure we did go to school together and so didn’t want to be staring at a strange man. Feel a bit guilty now. If it was who I thought it was, then he was OK. We weren’t good friends or anything, but he was a nice enough guy. Now I’ve possibly just blanked him like some kind of prick. Wish I could remember his name… if it was indeed him.
Thursday 15th April
Feel OK today. For the first time in ages I didn’t wake up wishing I hadn’t survived the night – although now writing about how I feel better just serves to remind me that I was in fact miserable before, and why I was miserable, which has pretty much taken a dump on the perceived happiness I was feeling. Sometimes writing this thing’s more hassle than it’s worth. I should stop doing it.
Friday 16th April
I need to pull. Might see if Jack wants to go out tonight. Try my luck on the town.
Saturday 17th April
The town offered me no luck. Went to a couple of places and we even got chatting to some girls at one point. I just seem to be unable to close the deal. I either choose badly, and invest my time in girls that have boyfriends or no interest in me, or I just struggle to make the leap from casually chatting to going in for a snog.
How did I do it with Fi?… talked about filleting a mackerel. I think that was a one off. Also she was the one that made the move on me. It was nice kissing her. I’m such a cock for screwing that up. She was pretty, funny, and if I hadn’t been obsessing over that slut, then she’d be my girlfriend now, and she’d no doubt be lying naked next to me in bed at this exact moment, begging me to touch her. Instead I’m going to put my pen down and finish reading Indian In The Cupboard. My life.
What rubs it in even more is that Panda does so well! In some ways I respect Panda for not caring what people think, saying whatever he likes and just going for it. Of course he falls down in other ways because he’s a complete bell-end who can’t be trusted.
Went to the library with him to return Indian In The Cupboard. I enjoyed the book, as did he, so we both headed down to borrow another slice of nostalgia.
He wasn’t a member, so needed a card. I would have said to the middle-aged lady behind the counter: “Excuse me, can I get a library card, please?” Panda went with the less traditional: “Excuse me love, who’ve you got to fuck to get a library card round here?”
I think he did it on purpose to embarrass me, if I’m honest. He didn’t seem that bothered when I dragged him out of there, sans card.
Waste of time, I didn’t get to borrow another book. I’ll go in the week.
Sunday 18th April
Cock-pissing-shits. Never, ever go to the cock-pissing-Ship! Didn’t even think about it when I entered, but sure enough, over in the corner was Hannah, all over that wanker she left me for. They were surrounded by his friends again. Do they have nothing better to do than go to the pub every Sunday? I must have seen them about 4 times now.
That’s another thing ruined by the farce that was my relationship. No more going to The Ship for me. Thanks Hannah, thanks a whole bunch.
Monday 19th April
Spent the morning trying to think of books I’d enjoyed as a kid. There was one series about a young boy who was always getting into trouble. I think his name was Turtle… or he had a turtle… or he was a turtle. They were good – I should Google it and find out what they are. Ended up borrowing The BFG. Used to love that book. Panda asked me to get him something, so got him Matilda. I can read it when he’s done.
Jack saw the books in my bag: “You know you can get adult books at the library too?” he said, sarcastically. Screw you Jack. Screw you in the arse! If I want to read about a bald weirdo who creeps into children’s bedrooms and interferes with them, then I will. Put like that, The BFG becomes an entirely different story altogether.
Tuesday 20th April
Martyn was telling me about a friend of his who was caught in a house fire. No one was hurt but the house was destroyed. We should really replace our smoke alarm. It’s been broken for about a year and a half now. Really Panda should pay for it, but just like the dishwasher, he refuses to cough up any money for anything that he doesn’t see as important. This leads to Ed and I not wanting to pay his share for something he’d use, so we’re forced to go without. Perhaps, though, a smoke alarm is something Ed and I should suck up and just get. I really don’t want to burn to death. I’ll ask him about it tomorrow.
Wednesday 21st April
Told Ed about Martyn’s friend. Ed thinks we should get one. Might go to B&Q now, I’m sick of staying in every evening, dwelling on Hannah and my camera and all the misery.
Didn’t get a smoke alarm. All the cheap ones had gone and the next one up was twelve quid! We thought it would cost us a fiver, max. If they want people to survive a blaze then they should make smoke alarms more affordable, or just give them out free!
There was an attractive girl on one of the tills. Usually B&Q is staffed by the elderly. If I’d known there was going to be some talent, I would have dressed a bit smarter. Having not bought the fire alarm, I didn’t have a reason to queue up and speak to her. Should have bought something cheap, like one raw plug.
I need to have sex so badly. Or just a handjob, ideally performed by someone other than me.
Thursday 22nd April
Jack was winding me up today. Kept going on and on about doing something Friday night. I relented in the end and we’re going to the pub. I told him not The Ship, but I’m still pretty confident that wherever we end up, Hannah will be there with Rob.
Friday 23rd April
So drunk. Went to a few places with Jack. Didn’t see Hannah. Last stop was The Fleece – the home of bad memories. Ended up staring at the legs of this gorgeous girl with red hair. She was amongst a large group of males and females. She didn’t seem to be attached to any of the blokes, but there was no way I was going to try and infiltrate them. If they had just been girls then I would have been more tempted (but still probably chickened out), but the possibility of some bloke getting arsey and cock-blocking me was enough to keep me admiring her from afar.
Got home desperate for a shag and now I’ve spent the last half an hour Googling ‘hand-relief Essex’, ‘escort girls Essex’ and many other variations on that theme, just to see what’s out there. A hell of a lot it turns out! Funny to think that I could literally pick up the phone now, and within an hour I could have a stunning girl in bed fucking me. It’s tempting. Very tempting.
Saturday 24th April
Stayed up until about 4am looking up all sorts of ‘personal services’ in the local area. Didn’t hire one, thank god, but was pretty tempted in my drunken haze.
If I was to do it, I think I’d rather go to an ‘independent supplier’ than one of the bigger companies where you have your pick of lots of different girls – I think because the bigger companies seem even further detached from real life pulling than the independent women do. Although I guess the girls on the books of the bigger companies would have to have regular tests for STDs… or would they?
The other plus side of just dealing with one girl on her own is that she’s the only one who would know about it. There wouldn’t be some receptionist, or whoever it was, at the end of the phone knowing what I was up to and judging me.
Panda was out at some bar or club-thing last night and the door to the store cupboard was open, so he and a friend stole a load of bottles of booze. Got all sorts on our kitchen table now. The three of us are going to get pissed tonight and watch videos of Knightmare on YouTube.
Knightmare has the best theme tune ever! Used to love that growing up. Someone should cover it and make it proper rocky.
That Pickle elf used to piss me off. Maybe after a while they realised Treguard couldn’t be trusted alone with the kids, so they had to add in the little ponce.
Tried about eight different spirits, and had too much of all of them. Currently Googling more hookers on the internet.
Just emailed an escort called Sandra, asking about her services. Explained I was new to all this and just wanted to know a bit more about her and what she thought an hour for a nervous first-timer should involve. Hopefully she’ll send back something raunchy that I can knock one out to.
Her website says that for in calls she’s £120 for half an hour and £160 for an hour – buy in bulk save money! I’m not going to actually fuck her, but looking around her site and emailing her gave me a massive hard-on. I can see why some blokes do it – the thought of it’s quite exciting.
I can’t believe I’ve emailed a hooker. What the hell is wrong with me? I shouldn’t be allowed to get drunk – bad things usually come from it.
Just spent an hour Googling ‘Knightmare’. Should have gone to bed, instead I stayed up reading about the aborted reboot of the series in 2004 and trying to see what Treguard looks like now – the same, but older.
Sunday 25th April
No email from Sandra. I was disappointed, despite the fact that I know I’m not going to go through with it. Had another look around her site. She’s a lot more expensive than other escorts, but had in her favour the fact that in the photos her face wasn’t blurred out, so you could actually see what you’d be getting (assuming they are actually photos of her).
She’s in her forties, but very good looking. There were some great pictures of her in her underwear, and nothing seemed to be wrinkled or sagging. I considered emailing a younger girl, but thought if I was seriously going to meet up with someone, I’d rather they were older. I think I’d be too embarrassed with someone my own age. I think they would judge me more and assume I couldn’t get a girl through the normal routes. An older lady, I’m guessing, would think I just have a thing for older ladies… which I sort of do, although not massively.
Her site stated that she only sees guys aged thirty and above who are professional, working men. I guess that’s me. She says she wants your full, real name, for her security. I gave my real first name but said my second was Dahl – I was drunk and staring at The BFG when I came up with that one. Had to set up a fake Hotmail to email her from.
Her site says she doesn’t have multiple bookings in one day, doesn’t rush you and doesn’t mind what your reasons for visiting her are.
Monday 26th April
No email from Sandra. She’s not going to make much cash if she won’t respond. I’m not going to email her back if she does get in touch, I just want to know what she says. It better be dirty.
Panda’s finished Matilda! I haven’t even started BFG. He’s probably just looking at the pictures though.
Going to see Iron Man 2 of Friday with Jack and Martyn. Beth didn’t look happy about it. After his ‘joke’ the other week, I don’t think she trusts him not to tell Martyn all.
Tuesday 27th April
Had an email from her! She apologised for the delay in getting back to me, apparently she was away. Her response was much more business-like than I expected. It was friendly and warm and she called me ‘honey’ and put kisses at the end, but she didn’t describe what we’d do, as I’d hoped. She recommended that as it’s my first time, I should book a couple of hours, so that we can really relax and take our time. Up-selling right from the get-go, she loses points for that.
She suggested that after getting to know each other, perhaps we lie on the bed for slow kisses and cuddles before moving on to naughtier activities when I feel ready. I know it’s not real, and not something I’d do, but it did actually sound quite nice. Not nice enough to pay £160 for – or double that if she got her way!
Just been helping Panda wade his way through more of the booze he nicked. Luckily saw sense and stopped before things got too messy. It’s alright for him, he doesn’t have to get up early for work the next morning.
Was at a loose end, so emailed Sandra back. Told her what she suggested sounded very nice. Also said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have full sex – through fear of getting AIDs (I didn’t mention the AIDs bit to her). I asked if she minded, which hopefully will prompt her into describing what else we could do.
Wednesday 28th April
Sandra replied! ‘Hi Honey! We can do as much or as little as you like. If you don’t want to go all the way, there’s plenty of other things we can do, and I’m sure we can find somewhere else for you to finish 😉 Sx’
That’s more like it! Although a bit more description would have been good.
Can’t believe the only way I can get my kicks these days is via email correspondence with a prostitute. I’m such a pathetic loser. I didn’t email her back.
Thursday 29th April
Work dragged on today. I really need to find a new job.
Beth’s eaten a Snickers every day this week.
Friday 30th April
Iron Man 2 tonight. Really excited – loved Iron Man 1.
Iron Man 2 was shit. So disappointed. Why does the enemy have to be just another load of robots? It was like watching a computer game. A really boring computer game.
Drunk. Need sleep.
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