April 2009


Wednesday 1st April 2009

Between leaving work yesterday and getting in today I had 21 spam emails. NO I DON’T WANT A NEW BELL-END!

A fat, ugly girl has started across the office to replace the old, fat, ugly girl who left. She was wearing one of those long, white coats that has a pattern of the same small, black shape repeated lots of times all over it. Looks like a Magic Eye picture.

April Fools’ day – I convinced Martyn that James had once been up on a rape charge.

Yet again this morning, someone parked in my bike slot and I was relegated to further down the rack. Thought I’d got the message across by getting to work 5 minutes early and blagging the best space. I guess not. Reset watch alarm to 7:15am rather than 7:30am. This will not do!

Thursday 2nd April

Arrived at the bike rack at 9:10am. Not another bike in sight so I claimed the spot as my own. I beat security and had to wait outside the building for ten minutes. Spent the time changing my watch alarm to 7:25am and texting Hannah a picture of my bored looking face.

The new, fat, ugly girl is directly in my eye line across the desks. I moved my monitor to try and block her out but it made working awkward, so I was forced to move it back. I don’t like her hair: short, a boring shade of brown and slightly curly. It reminds me of a mouse nest I once found in our old loft – the mice had pulled apart a fake fur coat and fashioned it into a matted ball of shit.

James asked me if I knew why Martyn keeps looking at him funny. I said I didn’t know.

Friday 3rd April

The office was full of the usual Friday extravagances: people smiled more, chatted more and girls wore their more revealing work outfits – everyone loves the Friday feeling, yet I’m still seen as strange for gluing the word ‘Friday’ over every day on my desktop calendar. If only that had worked and taken me to some kind of spiritual calm where every day I’m safe in the knowledge that the weekend was to follow – instead I keep missing meetings and can’t remember what the fuck’s going on.

The new, fat, ugly girl had two bananas for breakfast. One was almost brown, the other green – I couldn’t tell which one she preferred. She cut the top with a craft knife before peeling it. She didn’t clean the blade – that’ll be rusty in a couple of weeks if she’s not careful. At lunch I saw her in the window of KFC, stuffing dead chicken into her face.

Hannah’s coming over soon; we’re going to that pub where you get about ten meals and a vat of wine for a fiver. Could have gone somewhere better but we didn’t want to walk right into town. She offered to drive but what’s the point when she’s been working hard all week and is sleeping over.

Saturday 4th April

Last night’s food wasn’t too bad after all. Hannah had the spaghetti, I had the scampi. Got back quite early but watched TV ’til late so we just went to sleep. Both woke up with a headache but we did it anyway.

Hannah left after breakfast. She finished my Kelloggs Start – wish I’d never got her onto it now. Panda’s doing the big shop later so he can get me some more.

Panda went to Sainsbury’s and they don’t do Start, so I’ll have to make a special trip to Tescos to get it. I drew a big, sad face on the empty box with a marker pen and texted a picture to Hannah, she replied with ‘sorry, it’s just too yummy – I’ll make it up to you 😉 xxx.’ That either means she’ll dress up in something kinky tonight, or give me the money for another box.

Tescos was full of the usual scum, but at least they had Start. I bought a box for Hannah – I’ll take it with me tonight. Hopefully her parents will be out.

Sunday 5th April

Hannah’s parents were in so we watched Slumdog Millionaire on pirate. Apart from the heads walking past the screen, it was a good copy. Hannah cried when they got together in the end and then decided we should have Bollywood dancing lessons. I think she was joking.

We checked her Facebook whilst I was there, she wanted to show me a picture one of her friends had tagged me in. It was of last year’s camping holiday with Steve and Emma – I was force-feeding Steve a sausage that had been on the barbecue all night. That’s the problem with Facebook, everyone gets to see you acting like a penis and you’ve got no control. Thank God I’m not a part of it. Maybe I could try and get their profile banned?

I hate Sunday nights. When I don’t see Hannah I find it difficult thinking what else to do. There’s nothing on TV, Panda’s always out DJing and Ed locks himself in his room doing god knows what.

Ended up picking off all the ‘Fridays’ that I’d glued onto my calendar. I’ll have to leave the ones at work on and keep pretending the system works – bollocks.

Monday 6th April

Arrived at the office at 9:20 this morning and the bike space was mine once more. When will people just accept that it’s my spot? I understand it’s the most desirable – it’s nearest to the door, it’s got the best shelter from the rain and the space next to it is broken, so no one parks right next to you – BUT IT’S MINE!!

I watched James talking to the new, fat, ugly girl today; they seemed to get on quite well. Martyn could see them both from across the room and looked worried. He obviously thinks James is capable of that sort of thing.

The newsagents next to us have started selling Lucozade in cans. Ideally drinks come in glass bottles, next in preference is cans, and last choice is plastic bottles. The problem with plastic bottles is they don’t get cold enough, although the problem with cans is rats can piss on the rim. I always clean the rim with my T-shirt though, so it doesn’t matter.

Tuesday 7th April

The new, fat, ugly girl keeps smiling at me through the tunnel between the monitors. I smiled back the first time because I was caught off guard, didn’t the second and third, but did the fourth and fifth because I felt bad. After that I was too afraid to look up and had to work non-stop ‘til the end of the day. Hannah says I should blow her a kiss and see what happens. Thought I’d send Hannah a picture of me blowing a kiss, but I looked disabled, so deleted it. I just sent her some x’s instead.

Wednesday 8th April

Was on the phone to Hannah for an hour last night. Her work gives her too much to do. She’s going away to see her Granddad this weekend, so I’m gonna get a new game on the PS3 and play it solidly.

Saw the new, fat, ugly girl in KFC again – I wonder if she goes in there every lunchtime? I’ll have to make sure I walk past for the next couple of days. She still has her habit of smiling at me whenever I look up. I always seem to attract the attention of the weird, ugly girls (with the exception of Hannah).

Thursday 9th April

Some fucker parked in my bike spot. I still got there at twenty past but whoever it was had sneaked in early. Security were there too so the bastard didn’t even have to wait outside in the cold. Might be a one off though, so I haven’t reset my alarm.

The new, fat, ugly girl was in KFC again.

Saw Hannah this evening. She’s going off early tomorrow so I won’t get a chance to say goodbye. Her dad’s so mental – it’s great. I left at 11pm and he was outside hoovering his car.

Friday 10th April

Bank holiday. Thought I’d make the most of it but ended up sleeping a lot. Got up at lunch but was so tired I went back to bed. I’ll try and make the most of Monday’s bank holiday.

Saturday 11th April

Went into town this morning to buy a game for the PS3. Bumped into Clare Grover, haven’t seen her for about 14 years. For some reason, instead of walking past and giving me an acknowledging nod, she actually stopped and said: “Wow. How are you?” I think we both immediately knew it was a mistake – I don’t think we had a conversation the entire time we were at school so there was even less in common over a decade later. I confirmed I was good and then asked how she was – she was fine. There was then an awkward pause and, to fill the silence, I asked her how she was again. I think that weirded her out as she quickly made an excuse and left.

The queue in HMV was ridiculous. The man in front of me wanted to order The Matrix on VHS; I think the cashier thought it was a wind up.

Left the shop and immediately bumped into Clare Grover again. “How are you?” I asked for the third time.

Spent the rest of the day on the PS3, twatting pedestrians on the front of my car.

Sunday 12th April

Got up at 6:30 this morning – bootsale season has started. Panda wanted to hunt out the old records and I can’t resist seeing what shit people have to offer. Panda won the ‘Board Game Challenge’ – correctly guessing there would be 8 sets of ‘Go For Broke’ and ‘Game of Life’ for sale. I went for 3 – I guess a lot of people got them for Christmas.

Someone was selling a hamster cage that hadn’t been cleaned out. To start with I thought the hamster was included, seeing as the sawdust was covered in piss and shit, but no, it was just a filthy cage. Wonder how much they got for it?

In the end, Panda got some old vinyl and I got a power-pack for an Amiga 500 – all I need now is the Amiga.

Hannah’s not back ‘til late tonight, so won’t be seeing her ’til tomorrow night.

Monday 13th April

Bank holiday again. I’ve slept for most of the day. Got up so I can go to Hannah’s.

Got to Hannah’s at about 8pm, her dad was vacuuming the car. She bought me a keyring with a push button that makes a little man’s head spin round and reveal either a happy or sad face – she said I can use it when I’m feeling indecisive: a smile for yes, sad face for no. I asked it if I should put my hand down her top… 🙂 …down her trousers… 🙂 …she then asked it if she should put her hand down my trousers – the son of a bitch said no!

Ended up having a row over what we’re doing next weekend. I want to decorate my room – like she’s been suggesting for the last year. She wants to go to some butterfly sanctuary. I asked the keyring if Hannah was being unreasonable… 🙂 …she didn’t like that! I then asked if I should go home and leave her to moan on her own – it said no but I went anyway… I’m not having a piece of plastic tell me what to do.

Tuesday 14th April

Phantom biker beat me once more. I walked up and down both floors but couldn’t see anyone in before me. I reset my alarm to 7:20.

Within 5 minutes of her getting in, Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl emailed me: ‘How was your weekend?’ I waited ‘til lunchtime before I replied with, ‘Yeah, it was fine.’ Despite not asking, I still got four paragraphs of detailed synopsis about hers. Apparently she goes to the gym Saturday and Sunday morning for a swim – that must explain why she eats so much, she’s on a high calorie diet like Michael Phelps. I’ve never known someone write so much about doing so little, I know I keep a diary but at least I don’t email it to people!

She had an apple and banana for breakfast. She used the craft knife on the banana again and didn’t wipe the blade.

Had an awkward moment at the printer with her when she picked up my sheets – she found it hilarious and saw it as another excuse to email me – ‘sorry about taking your sheets, they all look the same! lol. Beth.’ I wanted to write back: ‘They all look the same because they are all white pieces of A4 paper – the way to tell them apart is to look at the information that is printed on the fucking front of them!’ Instead I just wrote: ‘no problem.’ To anyone else, that would be the end of a conversation, yet she still manages to come back with: ‘lol, how are you?’ Jesus!

She wasn’t in KFC this lunchtime. I made sure I walked past all the other fat joints to try and find her but didn’t see her in any.

Hannah texted to apologise for getting annoyed last night. I asked the keyring if I should forgive her… 🙂

Wednesday 15th April

Got my space on the bike rack… well worth the earlier start.

Sally at work is so fucking stupid: Martyn is off with conjunctivitis – “Isn’t that that thing rabbits get?” she asked. Idiot!

Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl continues her assault on my email inbox. She also continues her assault on her body, arriving to work with a McDonalds breakfast thing and then getting a KFC at lunch.

An annoying day, forgot to email some stuff to Andrew yesterday so got bollocked for that. Popped into Sainsbury’s at lunch. A little son-of-a-bitch kid was being an arsehole, so when his mum wasn’t looking I told him that if he bashed his trolley into me one more time I’d lock him in one of the freezers until he froze solid and then smash him on the floor so his mum couldn’t reassemble him. Gave his mum a friendly smile as I walked on.

Thursday 16th April

I’m still king of the bike rack.

Martyn was back today, Sally asked him if he had a rabbit – he looked confused.

Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl, asked if I was on Facebook. Luckily I am not. She said: “What? Everyone’s on Facebook!” I told her that’s what puts me off.

Friday 17th April

James received a ‘hot racing tip’ from a ‘very in-the-know’ contact, so at lunchtime James, Sally, myself, Martyn and Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl, went down to Ladbrokes. We all put on £5, except James who, in wanting to show off to Sally, put on £50. We waited in there for the result… it didn’t even finish. They’re probably shooting it in the head as I write.

Hannah’s staying over, we haven’t seen each other since the argument so tonight we get to make-up properly… hopefully in her arse.

She’s going to help with the room painting tomorrow. I spent most of my time after work distributing all my stuff between the living room and Panda and Ed’s bedrooms. Apparently if it’s still in their rooms after 48 hours, ownership automatically reverts to them… ha fucking ha!

Saturday 18th April

My room is now a very light sort of biscuit colour, except for one wall which is a darker sort of biscuit colour… apparently one darker wall makes the room bigger. I measured the floor space to show Hannah that that really isn’t the case – “It’s a technique to trick the mind,” she said. “It’s a technique to get you to buy two tins of paint,” was my opinion. Still, she’s happy and says it’s a “very soothing colour.”

I slept in the living room to avoid suffocating on paint fumes.

Sunday 19th April

Spent most of the morning lugging everything back into my room. Ed and Panda gave a hand with the big stuff and then went out, so I had most of the day to myself to get it all straight. It’s now 11:05pm and I still haven’t finished.

Monday 20th April

Fucking arsehole in my bike spot again this morning. I set my watch alarm for 5 minutes earlier.

Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl, sneezed so loudly today that everyone stopped what they were doing to look. She looked embarrassed and used it as an excuse to email me for the rest of the day. She’s going to a pub for dinner tonight and asked if I wanted to come. I told her I was a recovering alcoholic so wouldn’t be able to. I guess she believed me because she emailed back with ‘Aw 🙁 poor you.’

Tuesday 21st April

Still someone in my bike spot! Typically, security are in early to open the doors when someone else wants to get here and grab the best spot – when I do it I have to wait 10 minutes for them to turn up. Set my alarm five minutes earlier – 7:10 now.

Sorted out my pen pot – went from about 30 different things to two pens and a pencil… strangely therapeutic. If work’s as boring tomorrow I’ll move onto my drawer.

Wednesday 22nd April

Still beaten at the bike rack! I’m not gonna get in any earlier, it’s gone far enough… the fucker’s won.

Needed a highlighter today for the first time in about six months, unfortunately I threw it out during my big therapeutic clean up yesterday. You have to fill out about six forms to get a new one so I waited until Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl, went to KFC and nicked one off her desk when she wasn’t looking. Her craft knife is all rusted.

Thursday 23rd April

Woke up at 3am this morning and changed my alarm to 7am. Got to the bike rack at 8:50, just in time to see one of the security guards getting off his bike and park it in my spot. FUCKER! I’m not getting in before security just to get a better space.

Changed my alarm to 6:55.

Friday 24th April

Got to the office at 8:45am. New security guy opened the doors at 9am. He gave me very strange looks. I sat at my desk for half an hour before everyone else arrived but couldn’t leave half an hour earlier. I might walk in next week.

Had an email from Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl, she wanted to know if I had a craft knife she could borrow. Unfortunately for her I threw mine in the bin on Tuesday.

Saturday 25th April

Spent the day with Hannah – we went to the butterfly sanctuary. I accidently trod on one of the big ones. I didn’t say anything and just scraped its body off onto the door frame. It probably wasn’t that rare and I’m sure it was miserable living indoors all the time.

Sunday 26th April

Went to a cafe round the corner for breakfast with Hannah. I ordered poached eggs on toast. The woman on the table behind made such a wheezing noise when she breathed in that I wrote ‘get an asthma pump’ on a napkin and left it on her table when she went for a piss.

9:35pm – finally finished putting my room back together. I don’t like the new colour – is it brown? Is it cream? I’d rather have had the darker shade on every wall, at least then it would look like we’d made a decision on which to go for, instead I have to languish in this middle ground.

Monday 27th April

Walked to work today – it took far too long. Tomorrow I’ll cycle again but resign myself to the fact that the best parking spot is gone.

I need to look for a new job. I’ve been doing this for about three years now and I’ve been bored every single day. Problem is what do I do? It’s okay for Ed and Panda, they’re doing jobs they like. I need to turn my hobby into a paying career like them.

Hobbies: PS3, cycling and doing Hannah – looks like I’ll have to become a game-playing cycle fucker.

Tuesday 28th April

Got to work at 9:25 and had to squeeze my bike into one of the shittier spaces right down the rack. Fucked about with the security guy’s gears to cheer myself up. Now, when he gets on it later, hopefully the chain will fall off – petty, but he started it.

David Wilson is back after his… I’m not sure what it was, he was in hospital, we signed a card. He’s still up to his old tricks – he doesn’t think anybody notices, but I see him every lunchtime steal the office copy of The Sun from reception, sneak it up to his desk and at the end of the day, tear out page 3, fold it up and put it in his bag.

He once got a disciplinary for telling Hilary that he likes it when she stretches.

Wednesday 29th April

Pissed about with his gears again.

Turns out David had had a heart attack. I overheard Hilary and Tessa talking about him in the kitchen. They’d both hoped he wouldn’t come back. Funny to think of normal middle aged women wishing someone was dead.

Once again he took home page 3. I love it on the days when they don’t print a pair of tits, it puts him in a bad mood for the entire day.

Thursday 30th April

More emails from Beth, the new, fat, ugly girl. I wonder if anyone else gets subjected to this. She sends hundreds of words and I reply with one line, you’ve got to be pretty self-involved to not get the point.

Martyn still has a worried look in his eyes whenever James talks about girls he’s shagged. I should tell him the rape charge was an April fools’ joke, but it does make me laugh to see his face.

Went round Hannah’s this evening for dinner. Her mum and dad were annoyed at her brother for something. Hannah didn’t know the full story. It certainly made the meal awkward, I was glad to get out of there.


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  1. Sally laughton says:

    This is brill!

  2. Anna says:

    Wow. Part of me wants to believe this is a work of fiction so I don’t feel like such a voyeur.

  3. Richard says:

    Amazing! He’s so deadpan in everything he says. You could get this published, no bother.

  4. Mark says:

    I found this via a link on Chris Starks 24 years at the tapend blog and its very Chris stark in style. What is the connection? Is Gareth Chris stark? Anyway, it’s bloody funny, keep up the good work.

    1. Ed (The Ed) says:

      No link to Chris Stark (who is Chris Stark?). Thanks for reading.

  5. Kieran says:

    Its Like its been written by Alan Partridge.

  6. Rye says:

    If I win Gareth’s present will you just give it to him? I’m sad he never got any birthday gifts…in 2010… D:

    1. Ed (The Ed) says:

      I’m afraid that would be unfair to Panda – plus, he’s not getting me anything, so screw him.

  7. harvey says:

    Loved it…on to episode 2

  8. Ally says:

    This has made my day. So glad other people think like this too…

  9. Ellie says:

    Hahaha! My mate suggested this to me and tis hysterical!

  10. Sam says:

    “I know I keep a diary but at least I don’t email it to people!”

    Haha oh geez. You might as well be…

  11. lucy says:

    what is Gareth’s job?

    1. Ed (The Ed) says:

      I’m afraid I can’t say.

  12. Cam says:

    This is genius! I love how prophetic Gareth is with the knife. The dull things in life are the funniest.

  13. ags says:

    fuckin shame it has taken so long for me to randomly stumble upon this, (via pointless web sites then about six links off that, partner sites etc) but better late than never !

  14. Jim says:

    A very entertaining read. Thoroughly enjoyable and riveting!

  15. Oh God says:

    So funny, can’t believe this is actually real.

  16. Will says:

    Every month is like an episode of Peep Show, I love it!

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